Here's a question from a woman that many people are living with...
"How do you know WHEN the absolute right thing to do is to leave a relationship/marriage (with problems) or WHEN to say "Hmmm. I need to work on myself and allow him/her to work on him/herself" (while you remain in the relationship together)?
This is a tough one.
So when is the RIGHT time to leave or decide to stay in it and keep working at it?
Breaking up and having to deal with a broken heart is something that most people dread. They sometimes spend years putting it off when they know that it's really the "right" thing for them to do. While we're certainly about helping people create the relationships that they really want, we know that sometimes in order to have what you want in your life, you have to leave the partner you are with.
So the question is--Are break-ups really as bad as we all perceive them to be?
There's a new study out that seems to shed a different light on the topic.
Eli Finkel, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University, whose study appears online in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology says "We underestimate our ability to survive heartbreak."
He goes on to say--"People who are more in love really are a little more upset after a breakup, but their perceptions about how distraught they will be are dramatically overstated when compared to reality."
So if we "dramatically" overstate our distraught feelings before we break up, how can you look at your relationship and situation in a way that is more grounded in reality?
Here are some ideas to help you make your break up decision in a healthier way and to survive a break up if one comes your way...
One of the most painful events you can go through in your life is the loss of a partner--whether it be from death or from divorce. The effects of the stress of these life changing events are well documented and there are many variations of life stressor lists and what these stressors do to us.
At the top of most lists is death of spouse/partner and this particular list that we found includes divorce and separation as the #2 and #3 stressors.
So coming through a divorce or separation with ease and with as little pain as possible is usually a pretty difficult thing to do.
Here are a few things that we've found to ease the pain after a break up or divorce and help you to get on with your life...
Continue reading "Tips on Easing the Pain after a Break up or Divorce" »
A relationship resulting in a separation can be a very painful experience, no matter who wants it, and usually is life-alterating.
Here are a couple of questions from one of our readers that we're sure are on the minds of many other people who are in similar situations...
"What if when you focus on your life, you find that you'd love the company of the other, and their goal is to separate and 'find themselves'? How can you give yourself the gift of another's company when their gift to themselves is to be without your company?"
Separation is hard enough when both people agree on it but harder still when one person wants it and the other person doesn't. Here are a few thoughts adapted from our course "How to Heal Your Broken Heart" that may shed some light on this problem...
One of the biggest problems that many couples face is finding themselves in the situation where one person is happy with the relationship the way it is and the other person wants to make changes to make the relationship better.
Even if you are in a really good relationship, there's usually something that one person might want and the other person doesn't or isn't interested in changing.
Here's what one of our newsletter subscribers asked...
"If you are looking to change the relationship, whether it is for more passion or something else, and your partner is not interested, is the only option breaking up? I feel like if you stay together knowing you are looking for something different or more, you may have regrets later in life. Is that true?"
While the decision of whether to leave a relationship, for whatever reason, is certainly an individual one, we believe that there are some ways to explore to see if other options emerge if you are in this kind of situation.
Continue reading "Do You Have to Break Up if You Want Different Things?" »
One of the challenges in a long-term marriage or relationship is that the two people change through the years and these changes usually cause conflicts and disagreements.
Here's a question from a woman who is facing this kind of challenge in her long-term relationship and our advice to her...
"I have been battling with my husband of 25 years lately about the changes he has made in our marriage. He recently started playing poker with his buddies (which is fine). He stays at this guys house until 2:00 - 3:00 AM in the morning playing poker. I have come to deal with that since he doesn't do it often and not more than once a week.
"After that he started going religiously every Friday afternoon to sit and have a few beers with this same guy. He is never too busy to do this.
"I do not like this person. I feel he is a bad influence on my husband and I have asked him to curtail the amount of time he spends with him. Instead now - we are being invited every weekend to go hang out with him and his wife. I am okay with everyone now and then, but not every weekend.
"He thinks I am being ridiculous. When I ask him to do things around the house - he is too busy. I have compromised and told him that I will hang out with this guy once a month, but not every weekend. He tells me he will do what he wants and if I have a problem with it, I can pack my bags and leave.
"Remember - this isn't how my husband has ever acted in the past. He respected my feelings and at least tried to understand how I felt. Now, I just get this cold shoulder and he says he will do what he wants with no regard to my feelings or respect for how I feel.
"This guy goes to bars late at night without his wife and thinks that is okay. He drinks too much and is an alcoholic. He is dragging my husband right along with him and I do not like it.
"What do I do? We continually fight about this over and over and it just seems that my husband just hangs out with him more and more. What is it about this guy that he is willing to jeopardize his 25 year marriage over?"
Here's our advice...
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Continue reading "Marriage: How to Cope with Changes throughout the Years" »
We received this question from a woman and it seems to be one that many people face...
"I've been living with a man for 5 years. I love him very much, and want to spend my life with him. However, he still has not asked me to marry him, after 5 years. I have become resentful toward his lack of commitment, and acted out by "picking" on him. I've also made it clear that I want to get married, and not live together indefinitely. Due to the "picking" from my side, and his increased withdrawal from commitment, we are having problems (communicating and sexually). We are now seeing a counselor. We both want the relationship to work, but are both depressed and sad about the current situation. I fear my resentment toward him for not asking will never be healed, and now that we are having problems, the timing is not good. Any recommendations or advice on what to do? I have time and energy invested, but wonder if we are just in a down swing, or have irreparable damage."
This is a pretty common dynamic when two people want different levels of commitment in a relationship. The person who wants a deeper commitment ends up pushing to get it and like this woman, often "picks" at the other person. Like this woman's partner, it's pretty common for the other person to simply withdraw from the relationship.
Although this is a tough situation, there are some things that we'd recommend...
Continue reading "Should They Separate if There's No Marriage Commitment?" »
Recently we received this question and felt that it was something that many people face at some time in their lives...
"After 5 years together my husband told me one day he hasn't been happy for 5 months. He watched me hit rock bottem (ptsd) and he's afraid to see it happen agian. he's says he's too edgy and worried about me all the time. I came home from a weekend with my mom, and he just dropped this on me like a bomb. I threw the langere I bought on the chair beside him, and said "this is what I've been thinking the whole time I was away. How to rekindle things" he just set it aside and called his best friend. appearently he had this planned. He's not been a jerk about it, even paid half my rent for a couple months, yet I find myself wishing ill on him sometimes...very ill. He won't even try counsiling. any advice on how to move on?"
There are several aspects that we'd like to comment on concerning this woman's situation...
Divorce is probably one of the most difficult decisions that many people face in their lives. Here's one woman's struggle around this issue...
"My husband and I have been together for a total of 17 years. We have been married for 14 years. Through most of our relationship he has been very passive aggressive. In the relationship itself it eventually took on a form of it's own called, "emotional abuse". Several months ago I filed for divorce and told him that I wanted this and why. He said that he did not want out of the marriage. We are trying to reconcile now. He has since gotten counseling for his own issues and is no longer passive aggressive. I am still finding myself unhappy. I have discovered that the emotional abuse that I endured over the years was masking an even bigger problem. We really didn't know how to communicate with each other. It feels like we are now "peacefully co-existing". I am not happy in this marriage, but I am terrified of being single again because it's been so long that we've been together. We have a 12 year old child together. He does not meet my needs, nor does he know how to meet my needs. I am very lonely in this marriage. To make things worse, he no longer has any immediate family members. They either do not speak, or they have died. I do have some immediate family members, but they do not live near me. I am still undecided. I feel like we've been through this much already, why give up now?"
Here's the advice we give to her and to others in similar situations...
Continue reading "Divorce? Should You Hang in There or Leave?" »
Today we received this question and thought it was a good one for us to give a few comments...
"I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years- we were friends for five years before we dated. For the last year he has become rather difficult - not affectionate, when i talk about affection he gets angry and says I am not happy with him - I talk about us going out on dates - he gets irritated - he gets irritated easily anyway - stressed - I fell in love with this man cause he is a Christian or claims to be, His 17 year old daughter is rude to me and i talk to him about it and he tells me to talk to her - We are not married - so I feel it is his place to talk to her - a few weeks ago - we were talking and he told me i was not marriage or mom material - I raised two boys by myself on $10,000/year, they were in 4h and sports - then later he denies saying it. He says can you see something like that coming out of my mouth - well you said it, we had a discussion about it. Meanwhile, because I was upset about that - he told me he needed his space - I cannot hangout with him and his kids anymore - I have my dogs at his house and I had a fish tank at his house. I got the fish tank yesterday - He does not understand why I cannot sit with him at church anymore or why I have to move my dogs - 5 years of friendship and he just shuts it off. We also went to the Song of Solomon couples counseling. PLEASE HELP ME"
Here's our advice to this woman and any other person in her situation...
Continue reading "Separation--Knowing When It's Time to Call it Quits" »
When or "if" to leave a marriage or long-term relationship is a deeply personal decision that has to be made exclusively by the person involved. There are no "pat" answers and it takes a lot of introspection to come to your own best decision.
What it can come down to is this--Do I respect myself enough to expect no less than to be treated by my partner the way I should be treated?
We received two questions this week from two women with in our opinion, similar circumstances and similar issues to face around this topic of when is enough--enough.
Here are these two women's stories and our reply...
Since we've written the book "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" , we get quite a few questions from people who are trying to make that decision. Here's one woman's story and her question which is one that people who have found themselves in similar situations ask...
"I have been in a relationship with someone who I really love for 6 years. Although it has been one sided as support goes. We were so happy to have found each other at first, until I got pregnant, with protection. He tried every way to get me to have an abortion, but from being through it with a friend, could not, and just trusted God to do what was best. Thus, I had a miscarriage. He was cold and distant all through this time and I suffered the miscarriage alone. But I still loved him and tried to forgive and forget.
"I have been the pillar of support for him all this time. Along with other family problems, I feel overwhelmed. He has since moved and is being very distant and verbally and mentally abusive to me. I live with my Mother due to her illness and he now lives farther away, which makes it hard for me to just leave when he acts mean to me. I have not talked to him in 3 weeks, as I told him not to call me again until he can treat me right. I know in my heart, I deserve to be treated better after 6 years of being the care giver and supporter. Never once has he been there for me when I needed help. I know the answer you are going to give me: Stay or Go?
"At first I felt angry, then hurt, and now numb, as he has made no attempt to call me and apologize or anything. I now find myself bitter and abusing myself with drinking and drugs, which I didn't use until I met him. I feel helpless because I can't fix this, Me or Us. I just feel in limbo or in the void so to speak. I know I need to fix me first, but I'm afraid. I spent 6 years living my life around him and his problems and health etc. How do I start to deal with this dead end situation. I know I'm dulling the pain by my self abuse. I also feel better by not making a decision to let it go and being in limbo for some strange reason. I do know I have learned alot about myself and what I can endure and the strength I have to go through all I have with him I never new I had. How can I move on with that lesson? "
