Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Here's a question about jealousy that we are certain that many people face in one form or another...

"I'm the jealous one, and my partner of 3 years is trying to help, but has lost patience with me. I continue to be bothered & hurt by his subscription to Playboy. He thinks I'm overly sensitive and taking it too personally. Do you have any thoughts on how I can overcome that side of my jealousy?"

Whether it's a subscription to Playboy, looking at photos on the internet, or glancing at a beautiful person on television or in the grocery store --the person dealing with their jealousy issues feels as this woman feels--hurt, bothered, angry, upset and a myriad of other feelings wrapped into one bundle.

So here's our advice to this woman and it can be helpful to you if you are in a similar situation...

Continue reading "Overcoming Jealousy and Playboy Magazine" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What a cozy feeling it is to cuddle up at a campfire, roast marshmallows, and listen to an often outlandish tale. Maybe it’s spooky, maybe a fantasy; whatever the story, it is usually one that captivates those seated by the fire and adds to everyone’s enjoyment of the moment.

Now, how many times (a day even) do we tell stories to ourselves? These can be stories about how we think others see us, what we believe someone else might be thinking, or even what we think is possible in our own lives.

This second type of storytelling is not only not fun, it is often harmful to ourselves and to our relationships. One sure-fire way to increase connection and intimacy with those we love is to stop telling ourselves stories!

Here's a great example to explain what we mean...

Continue reading "Creating Deeper Intimacy: Forget Your Storytelling" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Whether it's Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or the Weather channel's meterologists Jim Cantore and Stephanie Abrams--or even your 8th grade science teacher--most of us have been attracted to, have had crushes on and even fantasized about people other than our partner from time to time.

In fact, we just saw a fun article by David Zinkinczko "What His Celeb Crush Says about Him" and although it had the ring of coming from a teen magazine, there was an element of truth about what he said.

In our opinion, these kinds of fantasies and "celeb" crushes are pretty harmless as long as the "perfect" looks, body or personality of the object of the crush doesn't get in the way of connecting with a real, live partner and having a real, live, close, connected relationship.

"Celeb" crushes and fantasies can certainly agitate jealousy tendencies and if the object of a fantasy is a person you or your partner see often--like a co-worker--there might be the temptation to act on the attraction. If that happens, it certainly spells trouble for a relationship and destroys trust between committed partners.

So the question is this...

Can you have your fantasies and still keep connected to your partner and deepen your love?

Continue reading "Relationship Advice about Fantasies and Crushes" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the common denominators that many people who have jealousy as an issue have is that they experienced a betrayal in the past and they are transfering those feelings to their current partner who is really innocent.

Here's what one woman recently wrote to us...

"I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now, and he is the most perfect guy you could ever meet. He does everything for me. But all of a sudden, I have started getting really paranoid about whether he could be cheating on me or not. In my last relationship, my boyfriend cheated on me after 2 years and i did find it realy hard to let go. I know he would never cheat on me, and there are no signs that he could be, but i can not get these evil thoughts out of my head!!! I have told my boyfriend and he has tried to reassure me, but I still get them and I fear that I am starting to really upset him! Please help me, as I feel I'm starting to ruin my relationship."

This woman knows that she has to start doing something different and here's what we suggest...

Continue reading "Jealousy and Letting Go of the Past" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes we feel that people outside of our relationships are tearing them apart. We get angry with the other person and try to "fix" it but the situation just seems to get worse.

Here's a letter from one of our readers who is in this kind of situation...

"What do you think of a brother who does everything his sister tells him to do? We have been togegher for 16 years, we live together,we have two cute kids togther, we have our hopes and dreams. But his sister doesn't like me because I have put her in her place, telling her to keep her nose out of our issues. She acts like a captain--"You do what I say and that's final." I have told her to worry about her family issues and to leave mine alone, that I am capable of taking of my own family and I don't need her negative statements. Ever since then, she has try her best to set her brother against me in any way she could find. It started to irritate me at a level that I try to control but I swear that I am so close to exploding. What do I do?"

Here's our reply to

Continue reading "Jealousy: Coping with Outside Influences" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question from one of our web site visitors that certainly may hit home for more than one person--

"I have been married for 3yrs and my husband makes jokes about having sex with other girls. How do I make this not bother me?"

The answer to your question about how to not let your husband's comments bother you is to simply deaden yourself and not care about yourself or the relationship anymore.

We think that you may be asking us the wrong question. In our opinion, the right question to be asking yourself might be "Do his comments bother me?"

Continue reading "Jealousy and Joking about Infidelity" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a good question from one of our web site visitors that we're sure is a problem that many face who struggle with the challenge of jealousy.

Here's what our visitor wrote...

"My firlfriend and I are on a chat site. She is constantly being flirted with. While I have learnd to control my jealousy, I still don't like it. So now I guess the question is, "How do I learn to like something like that?"

Here's what we told him...

Continue reading "Chat Site Flirting--What to do when it creates Jealousy" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The recent conduct of Lisa Marie Nowak, a NASA astronaut,has been splashed over the internet, print, television, radio--and just about any other means of communication for a couple of reasons--

1. It's pretty unusual for a NASA astronaut to be caught up in potential charges that Lisa might be facing
2. The story and her conduct in itself are very bizarre

Because we have written a very successful course on eliminating jealousy,a free mini-course that many people find of value, as well as helping many coaching clients with jealousy problems, we have a lot of interaction with people who are jealous.

Although we do not claim that the majority of people go as far as Lisa Nowak did, driven by their jealous behavior, we do say that jealousy can take over one's mind and body to the extent that the person feels like they are not in control of themselves and they end up doing and saying things that they deeply regret later.

If jealousy is a problem in your life, here are some suggestions...

Continue reading "Is the Jealousy of Lisa Nowak, a NASA Astronaut, Unusual?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the challenges in a long-term marriage or relationship is that the two people change through the years and these changes usually cause conflicts and disagreements.

Here's a question from a woman who is facing this kind of challenge in her long-term relationship and our advice to her...

"I have been battling with my husband of 25 years lately about the changes he has made in our marriage. He recently started playing poker with his buddies (which is fine). He stays at this guys house until 2:00 - 3:00 AM in the morning playing poker. I have come to deal with that since he doesn't do it often and not more than once a week.

"After that he started going religiously every Friday afternoon to sit and have a few beers with this same guy. He is never too busy to do this.

"I do not like this person. I feel he is a bad influence on my husband and I have asked him to curtail the amount of time he spends with him. Instead now - we are being invited every weekend to go hang out with him and his wife. I am okay with everyone now and then, but not every weekend.

"He thinks I am being ridiculous. When I ask him to do things around the house - he is too busy. I have compromised and told him that I will hang out with this guy once a month, but not every weekend. He tells me he will do what he wants and if I have a problem with it, I can pack my bags and leave.

"Remember - this isn't how my husband has ever acted in the past. He respected my feelings and at least tried to understand how I felt. Now, I just get this cold shoulder and he says he will do what he wants with no regard to my feelings or respect for how I feel.

"This guy goes to bars late at night without his wife and thinks that is okay. He drinks too much and is an alcoholic. He is dragging my husband right along with him and I do not like it.

"What do I do? We continually fight about this over and over and it just seems that my husband just hangs out with him more and more. What is it about this guy that he is willing to jeopardize his 25 year marriage over?"

Here's our advice...

--

Continue reading "Marriage: How to Cope with Changes throughout the Years" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question from one of our website visitors that centers around a problem that tends to create a lot of jealousy in relationships...

"My lover is supporting his ex girlfriend and her 3 children from her marriage to another man. Although, she has another lover currently, my boyfriend feels that she needs financial help with the kids as her current lover can't afford to do that. I'm feeling insecure. I worry that one day his ex lover may take take my lover's help as an indication that he still holds a special place for her in his heart and may try to come back to him. My boyfriend told me that he's over with his ex gal but he's just helping out. Please help me overcome this feeling of jealousy. I feel that he still loves her."

Here's our advice...

Continue reading "Jealousy over an Ex--Can it be overcome?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Someone came to one of our web sites recently and asked us this question which we thought was thought-provoking enough to warrant an answer in this week's newsletter so everyone could benefit from his question and our answer.

Here's his question...

"I have a friend that flirts with everyone wearing long pants and will kiss friends on the mouths when leaving a party."

He wondered if this was "normal and acceptable."

Here's our response...

Continue reading "Are you a Hugger, A Kisser, A Shaker or A Wisher?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question we received a couple of days ago and we thought that our answer might be of general interest to many couples in similar situations. Here's this woman's question...

"My boyfriend and I have a jealousy problem. We are both older and in previous relationships have been cheated on and left heart broken. I enjoy his company but we both do not want to get married and have seperate living quaters. We have been spending less time together and need suggestions on how to work thru theese feelings so we can grow stronger together. Please help!"

The truth is that until you both learn to heal your beliefs about yourself and your partner you will both just keep attracting the same kind of situation to you until you do. You seem open to making some changes so let's get started...

Continue reading "Both of Us are Jealous--Now What?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most frustrating relationship problems happens when your partner becomes jealous--especially when you've done nothing in your mind to deserve the jealousy. You may try reassuring your partner over and over but they never seem to trust you. You may even eventually withdraw from doing things that you love for fear that your partner will get the wrong idea or feel insecure.

As Relationship Coaches, we hear from people who are in this situation how they are frustrated, unhappy and just want their relationship to be "normal" or "the way it used to be." In fact, we're giving a two-part teleseminar series to give some practical suggestions if you're in this type of situation.

Whether you sign up for the teleseminar or not, there's one thing that will help your situation...

Continue reading "Jealousy: How to Deal with a Partner's Jealousy" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question that we recently received about jealousy and trust...

"I have been seeing someone for a while now, and we both have fallen very fast and very deeply in love with each other. As much as I do trust her, when we were out at the weekend she was rather drunk and ended up talking to a guy outside who kissed her. I thought nothing of this as she did not want or contribute to the kiss though after walking home a bit she told me she had kissed him back for a few seconds and being as drunk as she was, began telling me she was so sorry and she is just a whore.

This I knew was just the drink talking but she went on to say if I had not come out or if I was not there that night she thinks she may have went all the way and slept with him if the chance came up. I know that before we met she had had a rough time and quite simply herself respect was rather low. Trouble is after her saying she does not really trust herself, where does that leave me in trusting her. I have spoken to her and told her she needs to control her drink and she has said she will and that she does know she would not cheat on me.

The problem is still there though, as if she goes out a night with her friends and I'm not there, what happens if the same thing happens and I'm not there? Though the thing I am most worried about is becoming possessive towards her as every time she goes out side to have a cigarette at the pub, how do I know she isn't fooling around?"

Possessiveness or jealousy is certainly not the route to take and this person who asked this question is certainly wise to not want to go down it. With that being said, what does he do in this situation?

Continue reading "Jealousy and Trust: How do you know when to trust?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most-asked questions that we received during our recent survey of our newsletter list when we asked the question-"What's the biggest question you have about how to create more love, passion and connection in your
relationship and your life?"-was around the issue of trust.

People wanted to know how to simply relax, enjoy and trust their partner without being threatened and insecure.

One person said it this way...

"How is it possible to believe in and trust your mate when there is so much betrayal, lying and cheating in society?
Even when your mate hasn't done anything to arouse suspicions...most magazines, talk shows and other people
have such awful stories that it makes people such as myself wonder if being part of a couple is even a good idea."

Here are our thoughts on this subject...

Continue reading "Creating Trust in Today's World" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As relationship coaches who have written a lot about jealousy, we've discovered many people who deal with jealousy are actually dealing with the past and not what's going on in the present. Here's a note from a person who is trying to cope with this issue...

"I am 22 and currently in my second real relationship. The first was a disaster from day one. I allowed myself to be manipulated and because I am gullable, she used it to her advantage. She cheated on me several times, which I later discovered a week or two after breaking up with her. Now I am with this girl who makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, she really is perfect, however I am plagued with mistrust and severe jealousy. I often accuse her of being unfaithful and I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go. I have never been so crazy about a girl before in my life, but my trust issues appear to be ruining what we have. I talk to her about this, and she says she understands, but she is 17 and I am soon to turn 23 and so I feel she doesn't have the life experience that I do. Please offer any advice you can."

Continue reading "Jealousy and Learning to Trust Again" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the biggest questions we get around the topic of jealousy concerns office flirtations--or flirtations with people other than their partner. Many people are caught in the "flirtation trap" and they or their partner can't figure out how to get out of it or have no desire to get out of it.

The "flirtation trap" goes like this...

Whether it's with a willing office co-worker, a person in a chat room, or through a dating service--the "flirtation trap" starts innocently enough with an email message, lunch or a cup of coffee. What starts innocently can and often does turn into an obsession with the other person and neglect of a partner. The two people caught in the "flitation trap" can move into physical intimacy or not.

Whether the flirtation moves into physical intimacy or not, the people who are caught in the trap can cause many problems for themselves and for others in their lives, largely because they aren't willing to look at really what's happening and the underlying causes.

Continue reading "Jealousy and Office Flirtations" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We just received a pretty common question about jealousy and we thought we'd give our suggestions in the hopes that any one in this situation can be benefited by them.

Here's what our reader asked...

"HE is driving me crazy!! He goes threw my mail, goes threw the scroll down on the computer to see the sites I have went to. there was a storie on cosmo about this guy who was cheeting on his wife I read it he found out and got mad!! I run a daycare and LITERALLY every dad, grandpa, uncle, and yes, even moms he accuses me of doing stuff, I not only have 2 kids of my own but the daycare kids too, what do he think I am just going to do something in front of them? I have never cheated but at this point I feel as though I am being treated worse than if I did. our daughter is 3 and he is like a step dad and has been there all her life I am afraid if I leave him she will never get to see him and if she does he will tell her dad to start problems and our son is 2 and I know he will drag me threw courtrooms and they have $ i dont nor do I have much support. PLEASE SOMEONE WRITE ANYTHING YOU THINK WILL HELP, he even has his mom and dad who live a block away look down at our house to be sure nobody is here"
The first thing I would tell you is to slow down and breathe! You have been caught up in his frenzy and you have to calm your mind so that you take action from a very grounded place.

It sounds like you are making up a lot of "stories" about what may or may not happen if you leave this man. So bring yourself into this present moment and address what's happening right now.

There are some questions that you need to ask:
1. Does he admit that he has a problem and if so, is he willing to get help to overcome it?
2. Is this environment healthy for either you or your children to live in if things don't change?
3. What are your fears about leaving your situation? Talk with a friend, therapist or coach about how to help yourself move on if you determine that you don't want to live like this any longer and he won't get help.

Our best advice is to start sorting out your options and determine if you want to continue living the way you are living. Take a stand for how you want your life and your children's lives to be!

We have a free email mini-course on overcoming jealousy that anyone is welcome to sign up for.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If jealousy has been an issue for you, one of the biggest challenges is trust. If trust is an issue for you in your relationships and in your life, we don't have to tell you how painful it is.

Trust is the one quality that a relationship simply can't survive without. If you don't have trust, then you'll put a question mark in front of everything your partner says. You'll doubt their love. You'll harbor unhealed resentments.

Continue reading "Jealousy and Trust: Can you Learn to Trust Again?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)