Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Building trust after there's been infidelity can take time--but more than that, it's takes commitment on the part of both people.

Here's a question from one of our readers...

"How can you trust your partner if at one point in time infidelity became part of your relationship?"

Our answer:
Trust is pretty subjective so the first thing we would tell you to do is to get clear about what you mean by the word "trust."

For example--trust that the two of you are going to work on your relationship to reconnect, trust that the affair is over, trust that the two of you will decide the future of your relationship after a certain period of time.

You can only start trusting when you both know what you both want and where you are headed with your relationship.

Take it a step at a time--such as making sure that there is a commitment that the affair is over. What does that look like?

Talk about if the two of you want to revitalize your relationship and to what extent you both are willing to do that.

What's a beginning step to moving toward one another?

Don't try to do "trust" in one shot. take it one commitment at a time. Create your commitments and then follow through on them. If you can take a step forward, do it. If not, don't.

When you look at regaining trust after infidelity, it looks like something that's overwhelming and not possible.

When you break it down into small commitments, it becomes less so.

Get clear first and then work out what being trustable would look like.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Can we ever really know if someone is or will be faithful to us?

Here's a question we received recently from someone who wonders whether you can or not...

"I am very commited in my currant relationship and I believe she is. I am constantly working on my trust issues but my biggest question would be how do you know if the other person in the relationship is as faithful and WILL be as faithful as you?"

Here's our take on it...

"Trust" and being "faithful" in a relationship can mean something different for each one of us. We might think that everyone would define those words the same, but in our experience, it isn't true.

For one person, infidelity might be a partner frequently having lunch with an attractive co-worker. To another person, this might not be infidelity.

If there's one thing we believe it's this...you have to define the rules before you can play the game.

In other words, you have to know what each of you want in your relationship and how you are willing to live in it.

So whether infidelity is a concern or not, it's a good plan for the two of you to lay your cards on the table and talk about what infidelity or fidelity might look like in your relationship.

As for any assurances that someone will always be faithful to you?

In our opinion, you can't know but there is one thing that you can know...

The two of you can make the commitment that you will create your relationship in such a way that you are growing together and making it a priority in your lives. The two of you can learn communication skills that will create the environment so that you can talk about a situation before it ever gets to the infidelity stage--whatever that might mean to you.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You'd have to be from another planet not to be aware of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's infidelity.

His wife, Silda Spitzer, stood by him as he resigned yesterday from his position and if you saw photos of her, you saw how much agony she was in.

Her agony, although more public than a lot of people's, was not unlike what many, many wifes (and husbands) go through each day. They didn't see it coming...but did they?

In coaching woman who have discovered that their husbands have or are having affairs usually about jealousy issues, what stands out most is that they usually will admit that somewhere inside themselves they knew they were being cheated on and for whatever reason, they didn't want to confront it.

Is a woman (or man) wrong for not confronting a spouse's affair?

Of course not, if that's how you want to live your life.

But if you want a marriage that is connected, alive and growing--and you suspect your husband (or wife) is having an affair or not fully in your marriage, you'll want to find out what's going on.

Instead of accusing your spouse of having an affair, we suggest that you approach the situation by talking about wanting to renew your marriage and your connection--maybe rekindle your relationship like it used to be. If there are deep chasms in your marriage, you might suggest counseling as a way to renew your marraige.

If you use this line of approach, it will become clear whether your husband (or wife) wants to have a closer, more connected relationship with you or not--and it will become clear if he or she is involved with someone else.

If the evidence is so obvious that your husband (or wife) is having an affair--like secretive private phone calls, unexplained long hours at work (which you know isn't true) or the tell-tale lip-stick on the collar--then of course, confront him/her with your evidence or suspicions.

If you are jealous and not sure that your husband (or wife) is actually having an affair, then start with yourself first. Decide what you'd like for your relationship and then ask your partner if he/she would like to work toward that goal.

Don't throw out your marriage because of infidelity unless your partner has no interest in stopping and also no interest in making your marriage better. Also, don't stand for repeated infidelity. Learn your lesson and stand up for what you want--and what you don't want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It can feel quite overwhelming if you’ve experienced an affair in your marriage or love relationship and are trying to heal from it.

If the affair has stopped and both of you are committed to rebuilding your relationship, you’re ready to start the healing process. If the affair isn’t over, then you both need to clarify what you want and be honest about your relationship.

So if you’re ready to heal your relationship, we have two words for you: movement and direction.

That’s right; it’s all about movement and which direction you are facing. As you continue to relive the events that took place around the affair, you are not turned toward healing. As you continue to watch and read about affairs or become part of support groups that rehash the affairs that you and others have been through, you are not turned toward healing.

Here are 4 ways to begin your healing process after infidelity has torn your relationship apart...

Continue reading "4 Ways to Heal After an Affair" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We’ve all heard about the infamous “mid-life crisis” where one person in a seemingly happy marriage becomes dissatisfied with the way life is going and has an affair. Mid-life divorces can be the result of the crisis.

Of course, not all affairs happen after many years of marriage. They occur in relationships where the couple is not married as well as in marriages that are just a few months old. When a couple makes the agreement to be monogamous and this agreement is broken, it is usually an indication of overall disconnection.

So is it possible to head off an affair before it happens?

Continue reading "Heading Off an Affair Before It Happens" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)