Love and Relationship Advice Blog

"Will every man I'm with treat me like crap?"
"Will all women lie to me and cheat?"
"Am I just a loser magnet when it comes torelationships?"

Questions like these might be running through your mind if you are trying to recover after a break up or
divorce. In addition to the emotional pain of having someone that you used to love-- and maybe continue to love--
despairing and worrisome questions such as these may also bring you down.

It's understandable that you might feel like a victim after the break up. Especially if your ex lied to you, cheated or was possibly abusive, the belief that you are helpless may form in your mind.

Perhaps the events that led to your break up are just too similar to what has happened to you in past relationships.

Maybe your most recent ex's behavior has only reinforced to you that you just can't trust other men, other women and possibly even yourself and your own judgment when it comes to a partner.

We get that you might be feeling like a victim. After all, this break up may not have been your idea. If it was up to you, the relationship or marriage would still be intact.

The decision to break up might not have been up to you.

It could have been your partner (now ex) who announced that he or she doesn't love you anymore, is moving out or never wants to see you again. Or, it may have been your partner (now ex) who made the decision to have an affair or tell you horrendous and hurtful lies that then made you feel like you had no choice but to end the relationship.

While it is totally understandable if you feel like a victim, we encourage you to lovingly and gently move yourself out of this mode.

When you are in "victim mode," it's nearly impossible to feel empowered to make choices that will help you feel better.

When you are in "victim mode," you tend to remain stuck in the past and the pain-- and you usually don't treat yourself very well either.

When you are in "victim mode," it's really difficult to heal and start to put the pieces of your life back together again.

Here are tips to help you move out of "victim mode" so you can heal your broken heart...

Continue reading "After a Breakup or Divorce--What to do when you feel sorry for yourself" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Breaking up and having to deal with a broken heart is something that most people dread. They sometimes spend years putting it off when they know that it's really the "right" thing for them to do. While we're certainly about helping people create the relationships that they really want, we know that sometimes in order to have what you want in your life, you have to leave the partner you are with.

So the question is--Are break-ups really as bad as we all perceive them to be?

There's a new study out that seems to shed a different light on the topic.

Eli Finkel, an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University, whose study appears online in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology says "We underestimate our ability to survive heartbreak."

He goes on to say--"People who are more in love really are a little more upset after a breakup, but their perceptions about how distraught they will be are dramatically overstated when compared to reality."

So if we "dramatically" overstate our distraught feelings before we break up, how can you look at your relationship and situation in a way that is more grounded in reality?

Here are some ideas to help you make your break up decision in a healthier way and to survive a break up if one comes your way...

Continue reading "Is Breaking Up Really Hard to Do?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We've all have had to deal with tragedy at some level at different times in our lives. It might have been personal injury or disease, the lose of a job, the death of a loved one, or the death of a relationship.

This week, just like you, we've watched as the story from Blacksburg, Virginia and Virginia Tech has unfolded about a very troubled student and how his rage ended in tragedy for many families.

Whether we know anyone at Virginia Tech or not, we all have been affected on some level by the massacre that happened there this week.

We've watched as the students and people from all over the world have come together for comfort and support,
calling themselves a family.

We've also watched as commentators have blamed the officials in one way or another. We all have different meanings and interpretations about what it all means to us.

So the question is--How do we deal with this tragedy or with any tragedy in our lives?

Continue reading "Dealing With Virginia Tech, Chaos and Tragedy" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most painful events you can go through in your life is the loss of a partner--whether it be from death or from divorce. The effects of the stress of these life changing events are well documented and there are many variations of life stressor lists and what these stressors do to us.

At the top of most lists is death of spouse/partner and this particular list that we found includes divorce and separation as the #2 and #3 stressors.

So coming through a divorce or separation with ease and with as little pain as possible is usually a pretty difficult thing to do.

Here are a few things that we've found to ease the pain after a break up or divorce and help you to get on with your life...

Continue reading "Tips on Easing the Pain after a Break up or Divorce" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The decision to separate and divorce is never an easy choice to make, especially when there are children to be considered. There are usually many factors that go into making that kind of decision but it usually boils down to one of two ideas--"What will bring me the most love?" or "What will bring me the least amount of pain?"

Here's a question from a reader who has been in a relationship with a married man and is trying to understand why he is choosing to stay in an unhappy marriage--

"I have never gotten over the love of my life who chose to stay in a marriage for a child. but we travel in the same circle of friends and the story is always the same. they are still unhappy. so, when? when do we accept that we are allowed mistakes in life and are allowed to be happy? why is so much quilt present even after you have really tried?"

This woman is certainly in a painful and not too uncommon situation where she finds that she frequently interacts with someone she secretly loves and there doesn't seem to be any hope that the two of them will ever be together.

Here are a few of our thoughts about this...

Continue reading "Divorce, Guilt and Allowing Happiness" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Recently we received this question and felt that it was something that many people face at some time in their lives...

"After 5 years together my husband told me one day he hasn't been happy for 5 months. He watched me hit rock bottem (ptsd) and he's afraid to see it happen agian. he's says he's too edgy and worried about me all the time. I came home from a weekend with my mom, and he just dropped this on me like a bomb. I threw the langere I bought on the chair beside him, and said "this is what I've been thinking the whole time I was away. How to rekindle things" he just set it aside and called his best friend. appearently he had this planned. He's not been a jerk about it, even paid half my rent for a couple months, yet I find myself wishing ill on him sometimes...very ill. He won't even try counsiling. any advice on how to move on?"

There are several aspects that we'd like to comment on concerning this woman's situation...

Continue reading "After the Breakup--Then What?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today we received this question and thought it was a good one for us to give a few comments...

"I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years- we were friends for five years before we dated. For the last year he has become rather difficult - not affectionate, when i talk about affection he gets angry and says I am not happy with him - I talk about us going out on dates - he gets irritated - he gets irritated easily anyway - stressed - I fell in love with this man cause he is a Christian or claims to be, His 17 year old daughter is rude to me and i talk to him about it and he tells me to talk to her - We are not married - so I feel it is his place to talk to her - a few weeks ago - we were talking and he told me i was not marriage or mom material - I raised two boys by myself on $10,000/year, they were in 4h and sports - then later he denies saying it. He says can you see something like that coming out of my mouth - well you said it, we had a discussion about it. Meanwhile, because I was upset about that - he told me he needed his space - I cannot hangout with him and his kids anymore - I have my dogs at his house and I had a fish tank at his house. I got the fish tank yesterday - He does not understand why I cannot sit with him at church anymore or why I have to move my dogs - 5 years of friendship and he just shuts it off. We also went to the Song of Solomon couples counseling. PLEASE HELP ME"

Here's our advice to this woman and any other person in her situation...

Continue reading "Separation--Knowing When It's Time to Call it Quits" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Recently we received an interesting question from a guy and we thought that our answer would be helpful to a lot of people in his situation.

In a nutshell, here's what he was asking...

He and his girlfriend were completely in love but last week she started having these doubts about their relationship working out because he was leaving for college across the country. He was confused because it seemd that half of her was trying to convince the other half of her that loved him to break up with him. Her indecisiveness was killing him so he broke up with her. He said that he still loved her but asked how he could forget her.

Here's our answer to him and to anyone in this situation...

Continue reading "Breaking up--Did the Guy Do it Too Quickly?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This week, we received this question...

"My husband just told me he doesn't love me. This is after 10 years of going to marital counseling off and on because I asked him to. What now?" Sandy

This is probably one of the most painful processes a person has to go through--finding out that your spouse doesn't love you.

You ask, "What now?"

Continue reading ""He Doesn't Love Me"" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question that we received recently. Our answer may interest you if you can't seem to get over a relationship break up or divorce...

"Somehow I find it hard to take advice from two people that are married offering advice to people suffering through the pain of divorce."

Continue reading "Relationship Advice for Healing the Pain of Divorce" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As Relationship coaches and authors of "How to Heal Your Broken Heart," we wanted to check out the new film "Break-Up" as soon as we could. As we were walking out of the movie, we and others around us wondered why we paid the money to watch two celebrities we liked argue and fight--and argue and fight. Apparently, we weren't alone in our assessment of this film.

Although we know that the purpose of this film was to be a comedy (and it was funny in places), there is so much more that could have happened to actually help people who are experiencing or have experienced a break up in their own lives.

Here are some of our ideas of how you can deal with a break up without so much pain...

Continue reading "Jen and Vince Miss the Mark in Break-Up Movie" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Since we've written the book "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" , we get quite a few questions from people who are trying to make that decision. Here's one woman's story and her question which is one that people who have found themselves in similar situations ask...

"I have been in a relationship with someone who I really love for 6 years. Although it has been one sided as support goes. We were so happy to have found each other at first, until I got pregnant, with protection. He tried every way to get me to have an abortion, but from being through it with a friend, could not, and just trusted God to do what was best. Thus, I had a miscarriage. He was cold and distant all through this time and I suffered the miscarriage alone. But I still loved him and tried to forgive and forget.

"I have been the pillar of support for him all this time. Along with other family problems, I feel overwhelmed. He has since moved and is being very distant and verbally and mentally abusive to me. I live with my Mother due to her illness and he now lives farther away, which makes it hard for me to just leave when he acts mean to me. I have not talked to him in 3 weeks, as I told him not to call me again until he can treat me right. I know in my heart, I deserve to be treated better after 6 years of being the care giver and supporter. Never once has he been there for me when I needed help. I know the answer you are going to give me: Stay or Go?

"At first I felt angry, then hurt, and now numb, as he has made no attempt to call me and apologize or anything. I now find myself bitter and abusing myself with drinking and drugs, which I didn't use until I met him. I feel helpless because I can't fix this, Me or Us. I just feel in limbo or in the void so to speak. I know I need to fix me first, but I'm afraid. I spent 6 years living my life around him and his problems and health etc. How do I start to deal with this dead end situation. I know I'm dulling the pain by my self abuse. I also feel better by not making a decision to let it go and being in limbo for some strange reason. I do know I have learned alot about myself and what I can endure and the strength I have to go through all I have with him I never new I had. How can I move on with that lesson? "

Continue reading "Separation--Is it time to leave?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Recently, Kathy wrote to us with a question that many people are living with now or have lived with in the past--how to get over the pain of a relationship breakup.

Here's Kathy's story...

"I am suffering from a broken heart...I have been married to my 2nd husband for almost 7 years. We have a blended family situation with 4 kids...he has 2, I have 2. A situation arose that he can not get past so he and his kids moved out. This is his 2nd time leaving. The first time, I begged and pleaded with him to stay and he did. I have not begged and pleaded this time, at least not like the first time. I believe we could work it out. We have made it through so many very hard times. And, I believe he still loves me and I do still love him. We had finally gotten to a point where things seemed to have settled down and that the hardest times were over. It took 5 years to get to that point, but we had made it. Then, this horrible thing happened. He moved out about 2 mos. ago. I cannot get rid of that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I still cry at the slightest mention of him or thought of him. Very few people know he has moved out because I cannot talk about it, it is too painful. I made a committment to this man and our family. I love him with all my heart and soul. Why is it "his" decision to walk out and how do I get over this feeling of emptiness and lonliness? All the joy is gone from my life. We did **everything** together and now he is gone. I feel lost and alone. If it weren't for my responsibility to my own kids, I would run away, far away....how do I deal with the fact that I still love him, but most likely will lose him forever?"

Continue reading "Healing After a Breakup: He Moved Out--Now What???" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We received this question from a visitor and thought it was a great question,one that many people live with after a breakup with someone who is married...

"I have a broken heart. Problem is I was seeing this person for almost a year. He was madly in love with me. (or so he said) He was married. I didn't find out until I was already deeply in love. I lost so much when my family found out. And he walked back to his perfect life and never looked back. I want so desparetly to let his wife know... Is this wrong?"

In answering this woman's question, we would suggest a couple of ideas for her to consider, as well as anyone who is in a similar situation.

1. What would be your motivation for telling this man's wife?
--Do you want this man's wife to hurt as much as you hurt right now?
--Do you want to pay this man back for hurting you so much?
--Do you think that you will hurt less if you tell this man's wife about your affair?
--Are you hoping that by telling her about the affair, she'll leave him and he'll come back to you?
--Do you just plain want revenge?
Be honest with yourself and figure out what thought is motivating you to do this and what you hope to gain by doing it.

2. After your motivation is clear, ask yourself if you will better be able to let the past go and move on with your life if you tell this man's wife or if you learn from what happened and heal your pain. From our experience, revenge doesn't heal your pain and allow you to move on. It simply ties you more to your past.

3. Although you are in a great deal of pain, before you would tell this man's wife about your affair, take some time and discover what lessons you've learned from this man and from being in this relationship. Are there are some ways that you've grown by loving this person, even though he chose not to continue your relationship? Are there some things that you've learned about yourself that you didn't know before being in a relationship with this man?
Are there some things you've learned about what you want and don't want in an intimate relationship? How are you wiser now?

You see, we believe that we learn from every relationship we are in, whether they last 2 weeks or 20 years. And you've probably learned a lot by being loved by this person, even if it has ended in the pain of being left.

We're urging you to choose to look toward your future and what you want and not stay stuck in your past. Revenge will keep you stuck in your past.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Could there be a simple relationship challenge that is so big and so important that it prevents the majority of people from having the kind of close, connected and loving relationships that they really want without them even realizing it?

We think it may be true and here's why...

We've all had relationships or marriages that have ended. Whether ending this relationship was your idea, your partner's or a mutual agreement, the fact is that most of us still carry wounds and unhealed parts of ourselves that keep us from truly opening our hearts to the people most important to us in our lives right now.

The problem that this creates for us in our current relationships and lives lies within this very important question...

The question is:

"How can we have the best relationships possible and open ourselves completely to love if there are still parts of us that need some healing from these past relationships?"

Our answer is--You can't but there are some things you can do to heal from those past relationships.

Continue reading "How to Heal Your Broken Heart" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There's an old saying that you can die of a broken heart and according to researchers this actually turns out to be true! According to a Washington Post article, a study done at John Hopkins School of Medicine shows that stress hormones produced by a breakup, a death, a sudden shock, or even a car accident can indeed mirror a heart attack, especially in women.

The article goes on to quote the main researcher of the study--"Our hypothesis is that massive amounts of these stress hormones can go right to the heart and produce a stunning of the heart muscle that causes this temporary dysfunction resembling a heart attack," Wittstein said. "It doesn't kill the heart muscle like a typical heart attack, but it renders it helpless."

So with this information, it's all the more important to take some very active steps in healing after a relationship breakup or divorce. There are some things that you can do to begin your healing process if you've gone through a breakup, whether it was yesterday or 10 years ago.

Continue reading "Can You Die of a Broken Heart?" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Most of us have gone through a relationship breakup sometime in our lives. Whether it's a high school romance or a 30 year marriage, the breakup can be devastating to you and usually is a life-changing event. We've written a book called "How to Heal Your Broken Heart: The Secrets to Getting over a Relationship Breakup or Divorce" to help people heal their pain, let go of what was or could have been and move on to a better life.

Although there can be many steps a person takes to get over a relationship breakup or divorce, there seem to be four big ones that can help anyone move toward healing.

Continue reading "Healing after Your Relationship Breakup or Divorce" »

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)