Love and Relationship Advice Blog

The Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda's that Lead To Relationship Disasters...

2010-03-09T18:54:54Z

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a time machine to be able to turn back the clock to make the changes that might cause things to turn out a little (or a lot) differently?

These are the "woulda," "coulda," "shoulda's" that most of us carry around with us to some degree or the other.

So if you could go back in time, what would you do differently?

One woman told us that she should have talked to her partner before she left the relationship--to see if they could work out their issues. She's now in this agonizing place of living with the "shoulda's"--still trying to decide if she did the "right" thing by leaving.

A man said that he and his wife would have more passion in their relationship if only they had more time outside of work and caring for extended family members.

Another woman told us that when she and her husband disagree or he feels "stepped on" for some reason, they get into a communication pattern they can't get out of. He reacts angrily, she responds that she feels hurt and he gets silent.

He says enough has been said and she feels even more hurt. She said that an issue that could have been resolved in a matter of minutes will take a day or more to resolve--if at all.

Along with these people--we're guessing that there are some woulda, coulda, and shoulda's that you have about previous relationships or one or more relationships you are currently in.

]]> Take a moment right now and write some of these down on paper.

You might have written down on your list that you wished you would have communicated better or could better share what's in your heart.

Maybe you wrote that you should have done something that you didn't do or you shouldn't have done something that you did.

Whatever it is that you regret...

It is actually a gift to you and here's why...

You have the power to make the change that you would have liked to have made--right in this present moment.

Maybe you can't change anything about the previous relationship but you do have the power to make changes in the relationships you are in right now.

It might be something as simple as using a few of our "Magic Words" to open the door for your partner to open more to you instead of the two of you reacting the way you normally react to each other.

So, how about the woman we talked about earlier whose husband goes silent after lashing out at her when they disagree or he feels "stepped on"?

If she wants to keep the conversation open so she and her husband can start to understand one another, she can take a deep breath when she's triggered--consider what he just said and search inside whether there's any truth to what he said--any truth at all.

Sometimes we get so caught up in being right that we don't listen to the other person which closes the conversation down and keeps the argument going.

We do this because we don't feel "heard" ourselves.

But the problem is that if we continue holding onto being "right" and not wanting to be the first one to let our defenses down, we push each other further away.

Like this woman, we feel justified in the moment--but later we think we should have done it differently.

If she can find any truth at all to what he said--like maybe he might feel "stepped on" because of how she acted or what she said...

She can say these "Magic Words".to him that we'll offer here..

"I can see how you might feel that way"

...And by simply acknowledging that he might be feeling that way, he may get the idea that she really is listening to him. He just might keep talking instead of going silent.

We're in no way "blaming" this woman (or you for that matter) for the communication challenge she finds herself in.

But if there's any sense of longing or regret, wishing that things could be different, it's worth a try to look at them from a different point of view.

It's this kind of Magic Word phrase that has been important in keeping our relationship close and connected over the years--with far fewer "woulda," "coulda," and "shoulda's."

Our invitation to you is to avoid these kinds of regrets by making some small or not so small changes right now--and see what happens!

3 Sneaky, Hidden Relationship Traps You Don't Want to Fall Into...

2010-03-02T16:44:54Z

If there's one thing that can create havoc in your relationships, it's falling into hidden relationship traps.

And if you stay in those traps for long periods of time or just keep falling in them and you can't figure out why or how...

Your relationship can end up feeling empty and could even end.

We were reminded of these sneaky, hidden relationship traps as we watched the 2010 Winter Olympics over the past two weeks.

During one downhill skiing competition, there was one place in the course that seemed to cause several of the competitors to get off balance, lose time and some fell.

It was a problem for many skiers because this irregular rut (as some commentators called it) in the course came up by surprise.

They weren't aware of it until it was too late.

What was clear was that those who skied the best times in this event, had completely avoided this area during their run.

So it is with those sneaky, hidden relationship traps.

The couples who don't fall into them have happier relationships than those who do.

These traps are sneaky and hidden because like the problem on the ski slope, we don't see them coming before we fall right into them.

And then while we're in these traps, we often can't even see that we're in them, let alone find a way to get out.

Usually something happens to bring us out--but sometimes not.

Sometimes the issues never get resolved. We just get busy with something else and the issue is buried, only to come back up at a later time.

Now, of course, we all fall into these traps every now and then because we're human (and they can be different for everyone).

But the happiest couples don't stay there when they do and they figure out ways to not fall in them very often.

For them, quickly getting out of these traps becomes a habit---or avoiding them altogether.

So what are these traps?

]]> Here are 3 common sneaky, hidden relationship traps that we've certainly fallen into and we're guessing you or your partner have too...

1. The "Defending" Trap

Defending comes so natural and easy to so many of us when we think...

*we haven't been treated fairly
*we haven't been understood
*we're afraid we won't get our way
*we're not appreciated
*someone thinks differently than we think
*we think we're right and the other person is wrong

Defense rises inside us so quickly we don't even have time to recognize it before we've said or done something that pushes the other person further away.

That's why we call it sneaky and hidden.

Our defending seems to come from someplace deep inside and we don't in any way feel in control of it.

If defending is a pattern for you and you want to stop it (or at least slow it down), start recognizing what you do
when you get hooked and then breathe.

It might mean that your stomach, jaw or neck tightens, you feel yourself want to fight or the opposite--run away, and you may stop breathing.

Taking a breath will allow some space for conscious action instead of unconscious action from habit.

2. The "Blame" Trap

How easy it is to blame the other person for something you see as a problem!

And if we don't blame the other person, we blame ourselves--and continue to blame ourselves.

The Blame Trap is sneaky because, again, we can fall into it easily, automatically and without conscious thought.

We easily fall into it because it's usually such an old pattern inside us that we don't even know we've fallen into it even after we have.

An example of the Blame Trap is when you find yourself saying "you never..." or "you always..."

Instead of "you never" or "you always," you might use a phrase like "I'm wondering if you'd be willing to talk about_____?"--even after you've caught yourself in the blame trap.

You can find more what we call "Magic Relationship Words" to help you climb out of this trap.

3. The "Taking Your Partner for Granted" Trap

This trap is an easy one to fall into after you've been together for awhile.

It's sneaky and hidden because many of us slide right into it without thinking.

It's easy to say things to your partner that you would never say to anyone else because the other person would be "hurt" and maybe take it wrong--and your partner supposedly wouldn't.

Yeah, right!

Somehow, there's a rationalization that after you've committed to one another, you can speak to each other any way you want or ignore what your partner does that's "right" in favor of pointing out what's wrong.

When you fall into this trap--and it becomes a habit--your connection, love and respect for one another starts to erode.

If you've seen yourself fall into this trap, make a conscious effort to turn it around and act in ways that build your relationship instead of tearing it down.

The point is to see where and how you fall into any of these traps, as well as when the situation shows up.

Then take a deep breath to stop you from automatically reacting in old ways.

Give yourself the space to make another, more empowering choice.

You can learn to avoid these hidden relationship traps.

If you want more love in your life and relationships, this week, we invite you to experiment with some of these ideas.

12 Relationship-Killing Mistakes if You Think He's Cheating

2010-02-24T15:25:16Z

If you're a woman who suspects that your man is lying or cheating...

We've just created a special report called...

"The 12 Biggest Relationship-Killing Mistakes You Could Be Making If You Suspect Your Man Is Lying or Cheating..."

And we're giving it to you.

http://www.IsYourManaLiar.com/12Mistakes

(If you're a man and reading this, don't get upset that we're leaving you out. We know that women cheat too! We're working on something just for men so stay tuned.)

This special report is our gift to women who think their men are lying and / or cheating on them.

If you're a woman, this is something you're going to find really valuable if you suspect your man is lying or cheating.

It outlines the 12 biggest relationship-killing mistakes we see women making when they suspect their man is lying or cheating on them.

If you want to download your copy of this report at no charge, go here now...

http://www.IsYourManaLiar.com/12Mistakes

Elin's Advice: The Apology is about Behavior not the Words.

2010-02-20T15:32:21Z

It's been all over the national news and the internet yesterday and in case you missed it...

Tiger Woods broke his silence about his infidelity that's been in the news for the last several months.

Although you may be tired of hearing about his affairs and cheating, what his wife Elin told him is certainly worth paying attention to.

According to Tiger during his message to the world, his wife Elin told him that his real apology will not come in words but in his behavior over time.

This is very, very good advice for anyone who is dealing with a similar situation--or for that matter any time we have wronged another person for any reason.

Elin is essentially saying to Tiger that it's going to take time to prove to her that he is trustable or not!

(And it certainly seems that she's still deciding whether to stay or go!)

An apology in words only that is not followed up by trustable actions over time is worthless.

WOW, what a great insight and excellent advice.

Elin's words are also good advice where trust has been violated in other ways.

]]> Recently, we had a message from a woman who told us that she had snooped in her husband's email (he hasn't been cheating on her) and he found out.

She apologized but he lost trust in her.

She realized that because of her suspicions, he wasn't the one who was untrustable--she was.

Now of course, sometimes it does pay to snoop--there are concrete reasons for your suspicions--but in some cases, it can certainly harm a relationship.

The point is that this woman realized that she had to be DOING certain things (or in her case NOT doing the snooping) to prove that she is trustable.

If there's been cheating, the other relationship (or in Tiger's case, other relationships) has to clearly end before trust can be built.

There have to be clear guidelines as to what being trustable means. If you're the one who has been cheated on, you have to come up with those guidelines. And your partner has to agree to them.

The catch is that if your partner is doing what the two of you have agreed being trustable means, as the one who was cheated on, you have to stop bringing up your pain even though it's more than likely still there and maybe overwhelming at times.

In order to give your relationship a chance, if he or she is DOING instead of simply saying the apology, you have to stop the punishment.

If your world has been totally turned upside down because of infidelity, we know that it's easier said than done to quit punishing your partner or even yourself.

Our advice--Figure out what being trustable means, agree to behaviors that create trust, take it slow and watch what happens.

We don't know about Tiger's and Elin's future together (probably pretty dismal) but we do know that trust can be rebuilt if both people want to create the same kind of relationship and future together.

How to Stop a Relationship Wreck Before It Happens...

2010-02-16T15:58:43Z

What if you could know (before it happened) that a tire on the car you were driving was about to have a "blowout" that would be so violent that it caused you to have a wreck?

Would you want to know what was coming before it happened so you could avoid a potentially dangerous wreck?

Of course you would.

But what about your relationship or marriage?

Have you ever said or done something and instantly you just knew that you had pushed someone away?

Have you ever been at a loss for why passion suddenly cooled between the two of you?

Then you may have been using a "passion eraser" without even knowing it..

Passion erasers cause relationship wrecks and if you're not familiar with this term...

A passion eraser is anything that you think, say or do that reduces or eliminates passion and connection from your
relationships and your life.

It can even be a belief that holds you back from giving or receiving love.

Most of us don't take the time to find out what our particular passion erasers are.

But what we know is that we all have to stop using them if we want closer, more connected relationships and
happier lives.

Here are a few example of "Passion Erasers"...

]]> *A passion and connection eraser can be small, seemingly insignificant things like interrupting someone consistently while he or she is speaking.

*A passion eraser can be much bigger things like lying or infidelity.

*A passion eraser can be "gotcha," sarcastic remarks that leave both or you feeling unappreciated and unloved.

*A passion eraser can even be staying in a job that you hate that robs you of your enthusiasm and zest for life.

*A passion eraser can simply be keeping yourself so busy that you don't have time to connect with those you love.

*A passion eraser can be automatically pulling away when your loved one reaches out to hug you, pull you
close, or touch you because you're "too busy," "too tired," or "too" anything.

*A passion eraser can even be when your partner gives you a compliment and you deny that it's true because
you don't feel good about yourself.

So here's our question to you...

What's your particular passion eraser? We all have them.

Here are a few suggestions for identifying yours...

1. Pay attention to your feelings.

Look at them as indicators of what's going on inside you that you may need to listen to. Do you get a sinking feeling or agitation when you talk about money with your partner or or maybe when you come home from work and see a messy house?

Pay attention and then begin honestly addressing what is nagging at you that you may have been ignoring.

2. Pay attention to your physical symptoms.

One woman wrote to us that she consistently had heart palpitations and her eye twitched when she went to work.

If something like this is happening to you, get checked out by your physician and then take an honest look at how you are
dealing with a work or home situation.

What thoughts need to be shifted? What can you do to ease the stress of your situation? Do you have unhealthy
expectations of yourself or of others?

3. Begin looking at how you spend your time and if you are spending your time the way you want to--that's healthy for you--according to your values and not someone else's rules.

There's no more powerful passion eraser than living your life according to someone else's rules and harboring
resentments.

An assessment of your time can help you make a conscious decision if you want to keep doing what you are doing.

4. Pay attention to your thoughts and self-talk.

Are you constantly telling yourself negative things about you or others in your life?

If you listen in and pay attention to your self-talk, it can certainly be eye-opening.

What we tell ourselves does tend to manifest in our lives.

Our advice today to you (and to ourselves) is to look at what robs you of passion of all types in your life. Start
bringing in more of what brings you passion for living and see how your happiness grows.

Make This Valentine's Day the Best Ever...

2010-02-09T16:15:09Z

Valentine's Day is coming in just a few days and we want to help you make it your best ever...

Here's how to not only have the best Valentine's Day ever but to take what you do on Valentine's Day and carry it with you throughout the entire year...

Now through Thursday night, February 12, 2010 at 12 midnight Eastern Time, we're going to give you the chance to get your copy of ...

"Susie and Otto Uncensored"

This is the juiciest, sexiest, steamiest, most provocative audio about relationships, intimacy and lovemaking we've ever recorded.

You get to download a copy of it at no charge *if * you are one of the first 400 people to get a copy of our friend and colleague Michael Webb's -----"500 Love Making Tips and Secrets" from THIS link only.

Now for a bit of bad news...

]]> We've decided we're only going to give away 400 of these audio recordings.

The reason we have to limit our "Susie and Otto Uncensored" bonus to the first 400 people is because frankly, even though the info on this recording is great and it will expand your possibilities for what is possible in a committed love relationship...

A couple of the things we share on this audio are a little bit beyond our comfort zone and we're not sure we want the whole world to know these things about us.

That's why we're putting limits on this bonus.

Here's how you can get your copy of "Susie and Otto Uncensored" before we change our minds...

Just be one of the first 400 people to get a copy of our friend and colleague Michael Webb's -----"500 Love Making Tips and Secrets" from THIS link... and our Uncensored audio is yours to download at no charge...

What we love about these love-making tips and secrets is (first of all) that they're totally amazing, so much so that they'll send your passion for each other through the roof and maybe one of the best things is...

We've looked over all 500 of these tips and secrets and explored many of them and we can tell you they are not only exciting but great fun too.

So-- if you want to have the best Valentine's Day ever ...

A day that you'll look back on and say it was the thing that turned up the passion in your relationship or marriage for good-- then get "500 Love-Making Tips and Secrets" right now through THIS special link we've created.

The deadline to take advantage of this special offer is Thursday, February 12, 2010 at 12 midnight Eastern time--So, you'll need to order before that to get our special bonus.

The reason we're cutting off the special offer at 12 midnight on Thursday at 12 midnight is that we want to make sure you can get the info before this weekend so you can start trying some new things that will send your passion through the roof.

5 Ways to Stop Fighting and Start Loving Before Valentine's Day

2010-02-08T20:09:18Z

As Valentine's Day approaches, we all know that this is the season of love, right?

Or is it?

The truth is...

For a lot of couples, even though there might be a special dinner, flowers, or a night out together to celebrate (or not)--there's still an underlying tension or distance that seems to always be there.

The fights, arguments and disagreements just seem to erupt out of no where and neither person knows how to stop the pattern.

If you would like to stop fighting and start loving before Valentine's Day, here are 5 ways you're going to love...

These 5 ways to create more love have worked for us and others and we invite you to try them in your relationship right now.

This way, there's more love no matter what time of the year it is...

]]> Idea #1 Make a Non-Argue Pact

Even though this may sound like a simple "duh" idea, it's actually not that common for couples to do. It takes both people recognizing what they say and do when they get triggered by the other person and recognizing how they each pull away from each other.

It takes consciously deciding not to react from old patterns but rather to breathe and make other choices.

Making a pact not to argue doesn't mean sucking in your hurts and putting on a smiling face when you don't feel like it.

It means being "real" with yourself and with your partner about how you feel without blaming the other.

Idea #2 Use "Magic Words" When You Talk to Each Other

It's a fact...

When it comes to your relationships and getting the love you want...

All words are NOT created equal.

Some words cause fights and arguments and others don't.

In our "Magic Relationship Words" book and audio program, we give you over 100 ways to say it right every time when you talk to your spouse, partner or lover.

Here's a great strategy from our program you can use right now to cut fights, arguments and disagreements in half...

Think about this for a second...

One of the ways that many people keep a fight or disagreement going is by blaming and accusing.

You might say something like this...

"How could you say or do that?" or "How dare you..."

Instead of using phrases that push your partner into being defensive and push him or her away, say something that you want more of--from your heart.

You might use a phrase like this from our "Magic Relationship Words" program to help you stay connected even when it's difficult to do it...

If you think your partner is spending too much time away from the house and away from you, the tendency might be to accuse him or her of ignoring you and the relationship.

Use this phrase instead to open the conversation rather than close it...

"I'd love to spend more time with you. How can we make that work?"

Idea #3 Be a Good-Finder rather than a Wrong-Finder

To a great degree, the success of your relationship relies on what you both focus on.

Do you focus on what you want and enjoy in the other person or do you focus on what irritates you?

It is pretty "normal" to get caught up in only seeing what irritates you in your partner.

It just seems that as hard as you TRY to not focus on that irritating habit, it just gets bigger.

Believe it or not, many fights and disagreements are born from these petty irritations.

Just try this for one day...

When your irritation comes up, change it in your mind to something you like, love and appreciate about your partner.

Keep focusing all day on that aspect of him or her and watch what happens.

Idea #4 Appreciate Your Partner

Many fights, arguments and ill-feelings begin and are kept going because one or both people don't feel appreciated in the relationship--and they don't know how to get the appreciation they need--so they do the second best thing...

They pick fights and start arguments to get some attention.

If you feel like you aren't appreciated, your tendency may probably be to withhold appreciating your partner.

Because who wants to appreciate someone else if they don't feel appreciated themselves.

In order to break the cycle, just try some sincere appreciation anyway.

And this appreciation should go further than "thank you," although that's nice to hear too.

* Important *

When you appreciate someone-- be specific in your appreciation.

It might be a loving thought that flits through your mind but you never say because you either assume that he or she knows or you don't say it because you don't feel appreciated yourself.

If you want to cut the distance and the fights between the two of you, start appreciating.

Idea #5 Stop Holding Grudges and Holding onto Being Right

People hold grudges for years about things that sometimes that can't even remember exactly what happened to cause them.

If you're holding onto a grudge and punishing your partner for something that happened long ago but is not happening now--and you find that you bring it up over and over...

Find a way to resolve it.

Don't hang onto it.

When you hold onto a grudge and to being right, there's no room for listening to your partner.

One way to "let go" of your grudge is to open to listening to what your partner has to say with new "ears."

Listen as if this is something new and listen for any truth at all in what he or she says.

If you want to cut your fights in half, resolve old issues, let them go, and focus only on the issue at hand.

There you have it...

5 ways to stop fighting and start loving before Valentine's Day.

Our challenge to you is to not only do these things to create the best Valentine's Day ever but to keep doing them throughout the year!

Cheating--How to find out if your man's a cheating liar

2010-02-03T19:39:03Z

When we first started offering our program for stopping jealousy called "No More Jealousy" , we didn't realize that cheating in our culture was as big of an issue and problem as it is.

Now of course, we know that not all men and women in committed relationships cheat.

But many are cheating and have cheated and it's a tragedy .

If you are happy in your relationship and cheating isn't an issue for you, we congratulate you both.

Keep doing what you're doing to stay connected.

Whether you're a man or a woman, If you are suspicious of your partner, take some action to find out the truth.

Suspicion can destroy a relationship as deeply as actual cheating can.

Constant jealousy and nagging questions can drive a wedge between the two of you whether your partner is guilty of what you fear or not.

If you're suspicious and you want to save your relationship, your job is to stop yourself from going into the emotional tailspin of sabotaging thoughts and behavior.

Then become the objective observer and start documenting what's going on.

We go into detail about how to get your emotions under control so you can be the objective observer in our new
course "Where There's Smoke There's Fire: How to Tell if Your Man's Cheating Liar."

(Although we wrote this for women, there's a lot of good information for men here also.)

]]> One thing is clear from reading the stories from many of you about how and why cheating happens (and yes, there were some stories about how women cheated as well)...

When the cheaters of both gender were asked if they were cheating, most said "no."

That's why if you're suspicious that your partner is lying or cheating, you probably will not get a straight, honest answer.

You have to do your homework first.

If you fear the worst is happening in your relationship, don't sit on that fear because it will only grow.

Have the courage to take some steps toward discovering what's really going on.

3 Secrets of Couples Who Stay in Love Forever

2010-02-01T18:01:20Z

One thing we've discovered about love, relationships, marriage and how to stay in love is...

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident...

In fact, it's true about not only your relationships, but everything in life...

A great anything does not happen by accident...

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" are two different things.

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the question is...

How do they do it?

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the relationship is over.

We're going to share a few of those secrets with you today...

]]> Secret # 1

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other differently than couples who are headed for divorce court...

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but they also use different words than the rest of us when they talk to each other....

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner instead of shut him or her down--

They use words that keep their partner interested instead of bored--

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can wound and words can heal.

We've found that the right words truly can make all the difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship becomes a divorce or breakup statistic--

That's why we've put together a collection of the best words you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love or even rebuild a love that's faded over time.

We call these "Magic Relationship Words."

And if you'd like to have our collection of 101 of these magic words and phrases to help you say it right with your
partner, you can download them here... http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com

Secret #2

Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long period of time "ditch competition."

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or marriage and they are left wondering...

Why?

The reason is simple:

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a relationship between couples who are intimate partners or married.

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse have a friendly little competition about anything, when you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question:

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do I feel distant and more disconnected?"

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there is any kind of competition between the two of you.

Of all the people we have ever worked with personally and those who have gone through our "Should You Stay
or Should You Go?" program for deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship.

Not one of these people has ever said to us...

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're splitting up!"

It just doesn't happen.

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this:

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team.

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are just too great if you don't.

Secret # 3

Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind themselves and each other regularly about what they like, love and appreciate about each other.

Just last night, Susie asked Otto...

"What do you most appreciate about me?"

To many people, it may seem kind of silly for a couple who's been together as long as we've been together to be telling each other what we appreciate about each other all the time.

But it works--

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the difference it makes in your relationship.

Simply say to your partner:

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________"

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or appreciate about him or her.

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a relationship or marriage.

As you may know, we just came out with a brand new program specifically for women who want to know whether their man is lying to them or cheating.

While we were putting together this program, we couldn't help but think about how much less frequently this would occur in relationships if both men and women appreciated each other more.

Please know that we're not naive enough to think that in all cases simply "appreciating each other more" will solve all your relationship ills.

We're not suggesting that at all.

What we are saying is that it's been our experience that when you tell your partner, spouse or lover how much you like, love and appreciate him or her in specific ways on a regular basis, --your relationship really sings.

10 Smart Relationship Tips For 2010

2010-01-21T01:26:02Z

We hope you haven't made the same mistake we have.

In fact, this isn't like us at all.

it's already the middle of January and we're just now getting around to thinking about and working on our relationship, life and business goals for 2010...

It's not an excuse but it's a fact...

We've been so busy working on a brand new relationship program for you that will available soon that we've totally blown past the last few weeks.

Up until now we haven't put much thought into thinking about or setting any new goals for 2010.

When we realized this a day or two ago...

We asked ourselves a really important question:

What are some things ANYONE (including us) could start doing right now that would have an immediate positive impact on their love life and relationships in 2010?

So, we came up with 10 tips you're going to love...

]]> 1. Spend more time really connecting with other people.

Facebook and twitter are great tools for connecting-- but to us, it's the personal interaction of in-person or telephone communication that we think really connects us.

Let's face it.

When you're facebooking and twittering (or doing any of the many other forms of social networking) in most cases you're doing other things too.

You're multi-tasking.

Nothing wrong with multi-tasking but if you really want to build strong lasting connections, it's always best to do it one-on-one and to make sure you're totally "present" when you're with another person.

In fact, when you're jealous of your partner in social situations (and he or she really isn't doing anything to warrant your jealousy)--you aren't connecting and being present with the people you're with.

Your body might be standing there and you might be talking but your attention and mind are on who your partner is talking to and what he or she is doing.

You're multi-tasking when it comes to being with others--and that's a recipe for disaster for your intimate relationship as well as your other relationships.

2. Spend more time in the bedroom.

In our book and audio program, "Red Hot Love Relationships", we give you 77 ways to turn up the heat in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom if you want more
intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner or lover.

It's seems like such a simple suggestion but if you want more love, connection, passion and intimacy...

....spend more time in the bedroom.

No TV. No Kids. Just Laugh. Love. Talk. and Connect.

Whatever that means to you.

3. Spend more time loving yourself.

How often do you spend time beating yourself up?

If you're like most people, much more than you realize.

One important question we like to ask around this topic is--"What is the most loving act you could do for yourself right now?"

Not what you could do for someone else or your community but YOU.

Give yourself the gift of loving you.

Start by just acknowledging one thing you like, love or appreciate about yourself and then you might want to turn it into a full blown love affair with you.

4. Forgive Yourself.

That's right... forgive yourself for whatever you are holding onto that you resent yourself for.

You'll be much freer, lighter and much more fun to be with if you do this.

Most of us are carrying years of resentments from things we wish we would have handled differently, relationships that would have been different, times you wish you had been more loving or kind or even things like financial deals gone bad or punishing yourself for getting fired or laid off from a job you really wanted or needed.

It's time to forgive yourself.

5. Spend more time alone in solitude or meditating.

Even if it's 5 minutes a day, spend time alone with just your thoughts and allow your mind some space to slow down and stop racing.

A couple of months ago, we started a new meditation practice that we do for about 10-15 minutes right before going to bed that makes a big difference in both of us--both in our night's sleep and what we're like the next day
when we do our new practice.

Something as simple as taking a five minute walk alone every day can work miracles in your life.

You might even simply take a 2 minute deep breathing break.

The key is to find some time every day to be alone.

6. Say something nice, positive or uplifting to your partner, spouse or lover at least once a day.

This is such a simple thing.

Everyone loves wants to feel loved, appreciated and understood.

Telling them something small like "I really loved seeing your smile last night at dinner" or "I'm so proud of you for
the way you've been doing __________" or "I'm glad you're my partner, husband / wife, friend" can really make your relationship sing.

Try it. One positive thing a day. Who knows, you may want to do more than one a day after you see what it does for you and your relationship.

7. Stop Talking On Eggshells

Life's too short to hold back from opening your heart and mind to the people closest to you.

If there is any part of you that worries about what someone else's reaction might be or what they'll say think or how they'll react when you share what's real for you-- then we suggest you download a copy of our
"Stop Talking On Eggshells" program right now

One word of caution here about giving yourself permission to "Stop Talking On Eggshells"-- when you do this, don't think this gives you permission to go overboard and treat the other person any way you'd like just because you make a new decision to not hold back any more.

8. Learn To "Question Your Thoughts..."

This is something we've learned to do over the past few years that has changed EVERY aspect of our lives for the better.

What we find is that our minds work overtime.

If you're like most people, you're constantly thinking and believing thoughts that take you away from what it is you want.

What we're suggesting you do is to "question" your thoughts that you think that take you away from what you want to see "Are they true?"

Most of the time they aren't true--no matter how much we want to believe them.

9. Commit, really commit to being In whatever relationships you're In...

One of the biggest contributors to pain and disconnection in relationships and marriages is people who are in the relationship but not really in them.

We've had many people who were trying to decide whether to stay in or leave a relationship buy our "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" program and then tell us later that they had no idea how much they had already "left" the relationship until they really took a look at their thoughts and behavior.

If you are in a relationship--really commit to it, stay in it and do everything you can to make it the best you could ever possibly imagine.

At some point, you may decide that this relationship isn't right for you anymore. But, if you're in it--commit , really commit to it.

10. Spend less time in your mind and more time in your heart.

This means, spend less time making up stories about how things won't work out, how awful a situation is.

Spend more time finding the "loving" and living from that place of love, kindness and possibility rather than fear.

It's coming...

2010-01-13T18:17:45Z

We wanted to give you a little heads up and let you know to look for details soon about a brand new program we've been working on.

The two of us, along with the rest of our team, have been working around the clock putting together a new relationship program for you.

This is a program that for many people (maybe even you) will be the most important relationship program we've ever created.

We're just about ready to reveal all the details but right now we'll say...

We've spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours traveling all over the country, doing the research and
putting this program together for you and it shows in the incredible information we're going to be sharing with you.

We're really excited about this and think you will be too.

Look for more details about our new program soon.

Have a great day.

Our best,

Susie and Otto Collins

Relationship Advice for Getting Unstuck

2010-01-08T00:05:21Z

It's a fact ...

No matter how "together" you've got your life going... we all have times when we get muddled by our feelings and emotions--and we can't make a decision.

When you get stuck and can't make a decision about something important--what do you do?

If you're like us and almost every one else we've ever met, you do something that works in the short term but usually doesn't work in the long term.

If the decision really is causing you to feel stuck--you most likely withdraw, procrastinate or justify.

Nothing new here, right?

We all do this.

Not every time we're faced with a decision but in the times when we get stuck...this is very often what many of us do.

The problem is that when this happens, we're preoccupied and not truly "present" in our lives and with those we love.

We're just going through the motions of life as we try to work out the decision that's churning inside.

When this happens, we've living in limbo and not really living our lives to the fullest.

Susie had this happen one morning this week.

She's been mulling over whether she should go on a really fun "Dolphin Retreat" to Hawaii that was recently offered to her-- or whether she should say no...

She would love to go but she could also think of all kinds of reasons why she shouldn't go at this time.

And a variety of emotions came up around this subject for her. She not only felt stuck because she couldn't make a decision but she felt "lifeless" and "not there" to Otto during our morning connecting time.

In other words, she wasn't really there with him and since this time we devote to spending with each other in the morning is so important--it didn't feel good to either of us.

She was miles away thinking about the pros and cons of attending the retreat when she should have be there in the present moment

Can you relate in any way to what we're saying?

Have you felt like you had to make a decision and your emotions and thoughts in your head were so overwhelming that you couldn't?

Now of course, Susie's decision about whether to sign up for this retreat or not is pretty inconsequential compared to other decisions that most of us deal with at various times in our lives like staying in or leaving a relationship, where to live, what jobs we should take, where to send our kids to college, what to do with aging parents etc..

Please Note: If you're coming into the new year and you're living with the relationship question of whether to stay in or leave a relationship--then don't make this decision without getting a copy of our "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" book and audio program.

It's such a great resource for helping you get clear about what's really going in your relationship and whether to stay or go is the right question you should be asking yourself right now.

If it is, this program helps you to make your decision with more certainty and ease.

Read what Janice wrote to us recently and said...

"Should You Stay or Should You Go?" helped me evaluate a so-so, long-distance relationship which I ended... and then I found my soulmate. thank you!" Janice

So what are the best ways to get out of your muddle so you can think clearly and make your decision?

]]> We received a question from a reader yesterday that we thought you'd benefit from as well as our answer to him--that goes along this idea of helping you make decisions...

It's a good one.

His question was not necessarily about making a decision but rather about dealing with the feelings and emotions that hold him back from healing from his break-up.

In other words, his emotions are holding him hostage and clouding his thinking much like Susie's were when she was trying to make her decision.

The man who sent in his question is obviously a searcher and has done a lot of reading and personal work on himself and that's revealed in the quality of his question....

Our reader friend wanted to know which type of techniques are most useful for getting unstuck...

He said that some teachers of relationships and personal and spiritual growth teach...

"Mindfulness lessons where (you) just observe your feelings and let them move from the head 'chatter' into your body."

While other relationship, personal and spiritual growth teachers suggest...

That you "question your thoughts as they come up and their validity" as a way or dealing with ourselves when we get stuck.

So...

If all these teachers are teaching something different--then, what's right?

Our answer is that we teach and use both types and we recommend both.

Pema Chodron is a favorite teacher of ours in the "mindfulness" category.

In a very simplistic explanation of what she teaches--she suggests to allow whatever feelings that are there to be there--not making them good or bad--and in fact, making no judgments at all.

We teach to then breathe into those places in the body that are holding these emotions to move what's stuck.

Become the observer and notice what's coming up for you and together with the breath, those feelings will pass.

Sometimes with intense emotions, this is certainly easier said than done but it works...

We also take another approach with questioning what the mind is running in a loop that tends to keep the emotions churned up.

Byron Katie is a phenomenal teacher of questioning your thoughts to get to what is true.

And when you get to what is true--dissolving the stories you've made up about your situation--you can find peace and actually live your life from a conscious place.

We include techniques like these to help people stop jealousy in our best-selling program "No More Jealousy" t.

Okay, so back to Susie and her decision...

Along with using both these types of techniques to make her decision and to become present with Otto--

We discovered something else.

Because Otto has learned to "stay" as Pema Chodron calls it and didn't get "triggered" or upset by Susie being "distant" during our time together--

He didn't retreat and move away from Susie just because she wasn't present with him.

He kept gently connecting with her, encouraged her to breathe with him until finally she was present.

She could move through her haze of emotion and indecision and meet Otto in a place of love and connection.

Making decisions, even small ones, can be difficult.

We urge you to try different types of techniques to help you move through what blocks you from truly living and loving.

These are just a couple of the many strategies that you can use to make your relationships and life work at a much higher level.

Marriage Advice for 2010--5 Resolutions You Shouldn't Ignore

2009-12-31T18:49:50Z

2010 is almost here AND we have a lot to say about new year's goals and resolutions and here's why...

If you're like us you've been mulling over your goals, dreams and plans for having the best year ever in 2010 and beyond.

We've got some new things we're going to be telling you about soon but...

As we've been thinking about New Year's and beyond here's something that shocked us...

We recently saw a list of the 5 top topics that people create goals around for the new year, and it didn't come as much of a surprise that weight loss was at the top of that list.

But what we thought was weird was that "relationships" wasn't even on that list.

With all the hub bub this year about cheating and infidelity (and we know this hasn't ONLY happened this year)--

In our opinion, there is NOTHING more important than your relationships.

The reason we say this isn't just because we're relationship coaches and we spend most of our time thinking and writing about relationships...

It's much more than that...

It's that if you think about it, everything we do or try to do in life is either about, includes or requires the help of a relationship of some kind.

If you are a parent (or have parents), that's a relationship.

If you work anywhere, you must develop relationships to be successful in your job.

Governments must form relationships with other government organizations in order to be effective and in harmony with one another.

Even something like an engine in a car must have a "relationship" with the other parts of the car in order to work effectively and efficiently to provide transportation for the owner and passengers of the car.

In our way of looking at things, if you're going to have something, why not go for the best?

When it comes to your relationships, if you want them to be better than what you have right now, one of the best ways is to continually find ways of improving them--and that starts with intentions and then setting some goals.

In case you're like us and haven't written your goals or resolutions for 2010 (or even if you never do it), we would encourage you to include some goals about your relationships.

To help, we're offering you a few ideas about how you can create growing, more loving, more deeply connected relationships in the new year.

Here are a few ways that have worked for us to keep our relationship close, connected and growing--and we offer them to you...(they'll work for any type of relationship)

]]> 1. Forget about it.

Forget about what happened last year. It's done. It's over. If you feel like you need resolution about something that was said or that happened, talk to the other person. If you don't get the resolution that you want, don't carry it into the new year. Forgive yourself or the other person.

Does that mean you allow yourself to be used or abused in any way. Of course not!

All we are saying is that unresolved grievances may hurt you more than the other person--or more than you realize.

2. Set some relationship goals.

Think about what you'd like more of in 2010 in your relationship.

No matter what type of relationship--take some time together and talk about what you want and some ways that you could practice that would bring you closer to having it.

For instance, one of our relationship goals for 2010 is having more fun together.

One of the ways we could practice is to keep a list of what "having fun" means to each of us and then do one or more of those things every week--even if it means going to a movie we both like.

3. Increase the amount of time you spend in bed--both sleeping and making love.

Statistics show that most of us don't get enough sleep--and relationships can certainly suffer if you don't. If you aren't sleeping very well, begin some type of meditation or relaxation program.

There are plenty of resources out there that can help.

If you are with an intimate partner, we suggest that you spend more time making love--from a connected space.

If you don't feel connected, make it a practice to feel close and connected before love making.

Talk about how the two of you can increase intimate feelings in your relationship from a place of fun and curiosity rather than blame and accusations.

4. Make your relationships a bigger priority.

Most of us lead very busy lives and we tend to put most everything ahead of maintaining and growing our relationships, especially the intimate one.

We've said this many, many times but the idea bears repeating. People can very easily get "lost" from one another if they don't keep coming back to revitalizing their relationship.

Committing to doing one simple thing like having a meal together once a day--or even one day a week--and talking together can make a big difference in a relationship.

5. Do something different.

Doing something different and varying from your routine helps you to expand and grow.

Doing something different--something that excites both of you-can help your relationship to come alive.

Some friends of ours went salsa dancing on New Year's Eve last year. This is the first time in a long while that they had celebrated this holiday away from home--so it was very different for them.

They told us that although they were terrible at salsa dancing, they laughed and had a lot of fun.

We suggest that you try something different that would be nourishing for your relationship.

A Relationship Challenge for this Holiday Season...

2009-12-23T16:50:06Z

We're right in the middle of the holiday season here in the USA and many other parts of the world and not only do we want to wish you a happy holiday...

But we also want to give you something else...

We want to give you a friendly relationship challenge.

We'll get to the challenge in a moment but first we'd like you to go to this web page and download a copy of the "Magic Relationship Words" you're going to need to have for the best holiday season ever.

Imagine having over 100 words, phrases and sentence-starters that virtually guarantee that you say it right EVERY time in every situation with your partner, spouse or lover--

Especially here at the holidays...

You'll want to make sure there aren't any conflicts that last forever, stonewalling or nasty arguments.

Now for the friendly relationship challenge for you...

If you do this, we think your holidays just could be the best ever.

It will only take a couple of moments...

Here goes...

]]> As you go about your days this holiday season, we challenge you to be an uplifter and a "bringer of joy" instead of the opposite--a bringer of blame, criticism, sarcasm, resentment, irritation, anger and disconnection.

Sometimes easier said than done, we know!

You might be tired and stressed from the hassle of all the preparations for the holidays--buying and wrapping gifts, decorating your home, extra cooking, entertaining, coming up with hostess gifts for parties you attend (that maybe you don't even want to go to)--plus keeping up with your job, regular chores like grocery shopping and getting the kids to their activities.

So the last thing you want to think about is putting on a smiley face and being an "uplifter" and a "bringer of joy."

You might be telling us...

Hey, I'm doing the best I can do to just get through every thing I have to do--and now you're telling me to do something else!

Well--that's the challenge.

Several years ago, one of Susie's best friends learned a great lesson about this challenge.

At the holidays, her entire family descended on her every year--a week before Christmas and stayed until New Year's.

At the time, she was working full-time at a very stressful job that included lots of travel and although she loved her family, she looked on their visit as one more stressful thing in her life.

She said that she found herself staying in the kitchen most of their visit, concentrating on preparing and serving meals--and then cleaning up afterwards.

She realized that she had almost no meaningful interaction with her family because her mind was constantly on the next meal she was going to serve--and not on connecting with them.

For many years, she missed being with her family, even though they were right there in her home for several days!

But one holiday, she woke up to what she had been missing.

She stopped and started interacting with the people she loved most in the world.

She allowed other people to help prepare meals and clean up. She didn't try to do it all herself.

She played with her grand kids.

And she hasn't turned back.

So how about your life right now?

Could you take a moment right now and take our Relationship Challenge?

If you're game to take our challenge, here are a few questions for you to think about...

1. How can you bring more ease and joy to yourself this holiday season and the new year?

2. How can you bring more joy to others this holiday season and the new year?

3. How can you open your heart more of the time instead of keeping it closed in anger, resentment or criticism?

4. How can you focus on what's good about your life situation as opposed to what's wrong or missing?

5. How can you be grateful for where you've been and what you've gone through, even if it didn't seem like much of a gift at the time?

What it comes down to is this...

It's all a choice and we challenge you to make one change right now to help you create better relationships and a better life.

Does it mean that you have to constantly have a smile on your face no matter what's happening in your life and no
matter what's being done to you or to those you love?

Of course not.

By asking you these questions, we're simply offering you (and us) an opportunity to look at how you can take one positive step toward what you'd like more of in your life.

We're taking our challenge--How about you?

One Strategy that really works to stop jealousy...

2009-12-17T19:43:11Z

Something we love to talk about when we teach strategies for stopping your jealousy when it comes up is the idea that...

"Your past doesn't equal your future."

Said another way...

Your past doesn't have to equal your future (unless of course you want it to)...

This is what our whole "No More Jealousy" program is all about-- giving you the strategies, skills and ideas for making sure your jealousy is a thing of the past.

Unfortunately, for some people, the past and what happened does seem to act as if it's on automatic repeat and "bad" things just keep repeating over and over.

Not good.

If you were hurt in the past in your relationships, you can start now to create the relationship and life that you want in your future.

We've seen it in our own lives and in the lives of hundreds of people we've worked with.

This statement of ours that we like to say "the past does not equal the future" is not just a nice, affirming statement meant to lift your spirits.

It's a very concrete way your reality can be.

But what if your present is just a repeat of what happened in your past?

What do you do then?

How do you get out of repeating the same thing over and over (especially about something like jealousy that can drive you crazy)?

Here's a question that you may have if you're in a similar situation...

***QUESTION FROM A READER

"But what happens when you know for sure that the past IS equaling the future?"

]]> >>>OUR COMMENTS:

The thing about jealousy (or any other relationship issue for that matter that keeps repeating) is that it is a signal
that there's something you need to pay attention to.

Whether your jealousy is warranted or not, there is something within you or outside of you that is not in alignment with what you want for your life.

This is especially true if you know for sure that what happened in your past is happening again, as our reader says.

We can only guess that our reader is talking about being cheated on in past relationships and also in this present relationship.

We know that this kind of situation can feel very overwhelming and freeze you so you aren't able to take action.

For example:

If you've been cheated on in the past...

You can feel a lot of anger that once again you are being cheated on and it's just not fair.

You can also feel ashamed and wonder what's wrong with you that you can't get with someone who will be faithful to you.

We'll go back to the saying "Your past doesn't equal your future" and this time we'll amend it a little...

"Your past doesn't equal your future--but it WILL if you don't do anything about your present."

In other words, in order to change your future, you have to start doing what you've been afraid to do or certainly something different than before--and you may need to learn some new skills to do that.

To help you change your future about whether jealousy (or any other issue) is a part of your life or not as you move forward, here are a few ideas...

1. Sit down and take a very objective look at your relationships that haven't worked out, including your present one.

Look for what the challenges were and are, write them on paper and look for patterns.

Pretty soon it will become apparent what you need to learn or do differently.

It might be to pay attention to red flags sooner in the relationship--like your partner doesn't listen to you, obviously watches other women (or men) and compares you to them or whatever other red flag that tells you that this is not the partner for you.

For instance, write what you noticed early on in the relationship but ignored.

It might be something else like you agreeing when you really disagree and keeping your mouth shut to not create an argument.

Whatever it is, write it down and you'll start to see what you need to learn.

2. If you know that your current partner is cheating on you, gather your evidence and confront the issue..

You are worth more than to stay silent about cheating if your agreement is that you will be faithful to one another.

Find out if your partner is willing to do what it takes to regain trust.

If you're looking for some ways to rebuild trust after an affair check out our Relationship Trust
Turnaround program.

If he or she is willing, you need a specific structure to follow to help you rebuild trust if your relationship is to work and Relationship Trust Turnaround will give you that structure.

3. If you have trouble speaking your truth, then learn how to communicate what's in your heart so that he or she will listen.

Our "Magic Relationship Words" and
"Stop Talking on Eggshells" can help if you want to learn some new ways to talk to your partner so you'll be heard.

If this partner won't talk to you or listen, you'll need the new skills you learn to help you create a new relationship in the future that's based on honesty and truth.

4. If this partner keeps doing what he or she has been doing, with no regard for what you want--then it's time for you to make another, more empowered choice for your life.

Setting a limit and sticking to it can be the most powerful thing you can do to change your future.

Saying "yes" to you in the form of "I want something better for my future" is a place to start creating it.

Remember, if you don't change some things, nothing will change and you may just keep creating the same experience over and over.

Have the courage to start creating a different future for yourself--and it all starts with you!