Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Life and Relationships and can be so incredible, and yet at times, can be so frustrating.

Sometimes we're faced with situations that we're really not so sure how to handle but we do the best we can.

We face all kinds of temptations in our lives and our relationships on a daily basis that, if acted upon, would feel so good but be so bad for our relationship or marriage.

If you're human, we all have ways of acting that can ruin relationships and the problem is that even though we may NOT want to fall into those habits, we're tempted to do it anyway.

And the crazy thing is, we do them over and over again and then wonder why our relationship or marriage is in the shape it is in....

Here are a few of those ways...

1.By Playing the "Gotcha" game

The "Gotcha" game is when the two of you try to prove each other wrong and yourselves right. It's a struggle for control.

This game results in both of you withdrawing from each other--either after escalating, angry words or superior, sarcastic, cutting remarks. You end up punishing each other in stony silence that may last for hours, days or weeks.

It's really tempting to keep playing the "Gotcha" game because it just feels so good to be right and it can feel good to make someone else wrong, even if it's someone you love.

2. Getting caught in the negative story

We all love drama and the negative story can be much more exciting to live in rather than a positive one--even if it kills our relationships.

When you relive the negative story--over and over--you get attention, sympathy, and the validation of "Yes, I did have it bad."

Your negative story can be your "default" position--what you resort to when you perceive things aren't going so well.

And it can be tempting to get your needs met that way--but it never quite works out the way you think.

3. Taking each other for granted

It can be very tempting to take your partner for granted in part, because our culture says it's normal in a long-term relationship.

It can be very tempting to excuse your bad behavior by justifying it like we once heard a woman say--

"I can treat him like that--He's my husband."

4. Physically or emotionally leaving

It could be having affairs, flirting with other people, or choosing to shut down instead of engage.

Whatever way your leaving takes form, it certainly can drive a wedge between you and your partner.

Okay, so why are we tempted even though we know our actions aren't good for our relationship?

We do it out of habit.

We do it because this behavior feels familiar and because it feels comfortable in a weird sort of way.

We do it because doing something else may seem scary and uncertain even though our normal behavior produces the same negative result again and again.

So what can you do to not be tempted into these familiar actions that can cause so much havoc in your relationships?

First...

Identify the behaviors that you repeatedly do that ruin your relationship and take a look at how you are tempted to fall right back into that hole.

It might be specific situations that throw you into temptation.

It might be specific actions of other people that trigger you.

Whatever they are, write them down so you can become aware of what takes you down that dangerous path.

Next...

Keep in mind what you want above all else and question your urge to act in old, unhealthy ways.

If you want a relationship that is filled with love, remember that that is what you want. Interrupt your pattern and ask yourself if what you're about to do will take you closer to or further from what you want.

You'll also want to...

Do the things that will take you closer to what you want and in the direction you want to go.

Learn how to communicate to ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you want but don't get.

In your mind, exchange "Poor me" with "How can I?"

If you're not being treated the way you want, it all starts with you and how you treat yourself--and this starts with what you say to yourself.

If you repeatedly focus on what's wrong, how bad you've had it or have it--or if you make yourself wrong at every step of the way...

The results in your life won't change.

Having more love and a better life starts with you and with asking the question "How can I?" with curiosity.

It starts with empowering yourself into right action instead of your habitual action.

Don't be tempted to keep doing what hasn't worked in the past.

Take the courage to try some different ways to move toward what you want.

With all this being said, you may be wondering is there a time when so much has happened in your relationship or marriage that you should call it "quits."

The answer is yes and that's what we help you discover when you go through our program, "Should You Stay or Should You Go?"

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you want things to change in your relationships and life, you can half-heartedly wish they would change and keep talking about what's wrong...

Or you can get gutsy and actually make the changes you want in your life.

We know we make it sound simple (and it isn't) but here's what you may not know...

It doesn't matter whether you're a man or a woman...

The truth is that if you don't get gutsy about making the changes you know you need to make, what you're experiencing right now will also be what you experience in your future.

Recently, Susie talked to a young woman who has had a problem with unwarranted jealousy. She had just bought our course "No More Jealousy" and she had a question.

This woman had tried one suggestion from the course and had already seen positive results. She hadn't gone into a jealous spiral when she and her boyfriend were at a party together and he innocently talked to another woman.

Her boyfriend, in turn, noticed that she wasn't jealous--and was appreciative, although a little unsure about where this new behavior was coming from--and whether he could trust it or not.

This woman told Susie that although she counted that as a big step in the right direction, she still felt uneasy inside and here's what Susie told her...

"Get gutsy and focus on the sliver of what happened that is in alignment with what you want instead of focusing on behavior that you don't want."

Does it take guts to not listen to those voices from the past that say, "You've been cheated on before and it will happen again"?

Sure it does.

But nothing will change unless she challenges those voices and makes more empowering choices for herself.

What we're talking about here is not turning a blind eye to what's going on in front of you or even behind your back.

We're talking about taking an honest look at what's going on in your relationship, and starting with yourself, making the changes that will bring you more of what you want.

Your relationship challenge may not have anything to do with jealousy but we're guessing that whatever it is, it may take some gutsy moves on your part to start creating the kind of relationship and life you want.

Here are 4 gutsy ways to make a fresh start in your relationship...

1. Question your internal stories

The stories you repeatedly tell yourself are the ones you end up living out.

So if you're telling yourself that "I'll never be able to change" or "She'll/he'll always be this way," your focus is on not having what you want.

If you want things to change for the better, it's important to start listening to your thoughts and then make choices of what you "play" in your mind that are more empowering rather than allowing old, destructive patterns to hold you hostage.

It takes guts to make those kinds of choices and it takes choosing one thought at a time.

2. Commit to truth-telling

Telling your truth to hurt your partner isn't gutsy and it isn't what we're talking about.

We're talking about reaching into your core and speaking from a place inside you that is your irrefutable truth.

Many people who have bought our "Magic Relationship Words" program found these phrases helpful in starting difficult conversations that involve telling your truth...

"This relationship is important to me and..."

"I love you and..."

You might finish these phrases with something like this...

"I want us to grow together--so it's important that you know what I'm thinking about this..."

3. Stop holding onto resentments

The thing about resentments is that usually the only person they hurt is you.

Resentments can not only play havoc with your emotional well-being but also your physical health as well.

When you hold onto resentments, it usually means that you're dwelling on the action or actions that created it in the first place.

In other words, you relive the pain of what happened, over and over.

Holding onto resentments is a form of self-abuse, even though you probably haven't thought of it in that way.

And it usually doesn't cause the other person to change.

We're not suggesting to blindly trust when there's no reason to.

We are suggesting to stop reliving the past and hurting yourself--and instead look toward the future you want.

4. Allow yourself to get comfortable with not being comfortable.

Most of us enjoy being comfortable in our relationships and lives and we don't enjoy it when there's tension and we're at odds with those we love.

It's just not fun!

But the reality is that we are all distinct individuals, even in the most connected and loving of couples.

The plain truth is that there are going to be differences.

It's normal for two people not to see eye to eye on everything.

But those differences don't have to tear the two of you apart.

Those differences, no matter how uncomfortable they might make you feel, can be ways to new growth and expansion if you look at it that way.

In Dr. David Schnarch's book "Intimacy & Desire," he makes a startling statement based on his research.

He says that in every couple, one person has more desire in the bedroom than the other person has.

And this difference can either not be a big deal--or it can be a deal breaker, depending on the amount of difference.

It's what the two people do to find a solution that fits both their needs while staying open to each other--no matter how uncomfortable--that dictates whether their love lasts or not.

It comes down to whether the two people are gutsy enough to stay open to one another and do the things that will keep their love alive--or not.

Sometimes having guts means doing something that you never thought you could do--but you know will help you
create a better relationship and life.

Sometimes having guts means listening to yourself and to your partner in a new way.

Whatever it means in your situation, we invite you to take a step toward a better relationship and life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Whether you consider yourself to be a "rule breaker" or not, sometimes you've just got to break the rules and when it comes to your relationship, it's often a really good idea.

The fact is, we all live by a set of rules. We may not call them that or even be aware of what these rules are most of the time.

So what rules are we talking about and why "Should" we break them?

We're talking about the "rules" that you, us and everyone else lives in every moment of our lives.

These rules that we're talking about could include ideas and beliefs that your parents either preached about
or showed you by example and you adopted even though you may not have realized it.

Also, these rules are the beliefs that society subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) says you should or shouldn't
do.

These rules that you live by (often unconsciously) act as the rudder or guide for what you will or won't do in your life.

In fact, most of the rules we live by in our relationships and marriages actually keep us from having all the love and
passion that is possible for us instead of giving us more.

You know the ones we're talking about...

You have them in your own life if you think about them.

Things like "Marriage is hard so just make the best of it," "It's your duty as a woman so lie down and get through
it the best way you can," or our favorite "Passion dies after a few years of being together so don't expect it to last very long."

Wow--even though you may not have those specific beliefs, we're guessing that you have some beliefs and
rules that hold you back from experiencing your best life and relationships possible.

Here are 5 rules that we love to break so we can keep passion alive in our relationship (and we urge you to break them often too!)....

#1 Rule to Break: Spending TOO much time together is bad for you.

We happen to be business partners as well as married and we usually spend 24 hours a day with one another--
give or take a few hours.

In this kind of situation, there's a lot of advice out there that suggests NOT to spend that much time with one
another--that too much time together will destroy the mystery and excitement.

For us, it's just the opposite. The more time we spend with one another, the deeper our connection grows.

We realize that not everyone has chosen to work together as a couple but even if you haven't, make sure that you spend quality time together.

Find things you both like to do and then do them together--and enjoy each other.

#2 Rule to Break: Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and totally honest about who you are

This is one of the biggest unspoken relationship rules we seen demonstrated and passed down generation to generation.

It's the one that says, "If you've been hurt before, don't open yourself to anyone else. Keep a part of yourself private and don't allow yourself to ever be vulnerable like that again."

While we know that it's not easy to open to another after you've been in pain, if you're holding back a part of yourself, you're also holding back love.

And that withholding of love can only increase the feeling of distance and separation between the two of you.

This withholding shows up in our communication with one another. If you want some really practical ideas on how to start being honest about who you are and opening your heart to more love, check out our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program.

#3 Rule to Break: Romance, passion and intimacy should happen spontaneously.

The fear behind this rule is that planning for passion leads to boredom in a relationship.

There's the belief that for passion to be exciting, you have to always be spontaneous--that if you take out the mystery and surprise, you'll both get bored.

While this may be true for some people, we've found that the opposite is true for most of us.

The truth is that when you make passion a regular part of your life, the juice between the two of you just increases.

The author Malcolm Gladwell said that you can become an expert on anything by doing it for 10,000 hours.

Now we're not saying that you have to spend 10,000 hours in the throes of passion to get good at it but we are saying that it can increase instead of decrease if you make passion more a part of your life.

And you do that by planning it--because if you don't, you know as well as we do that life will get in the way and it won't happen.

So break this rule and deepen your connection and passion with each other.

#4 Rule to Break: No touching or shows of intimacy in public

How many couples do you see holding hands when they walk or sitting in a restaurant?

Not many, right?

For some reason, it seems to go against the grain to show even innocent signs of affection in public--even though it's one of the things that can help keep your passion and connection going.

Even though relationship advice articles in women's magazines encourage what we'll call light-weight public displays of affection--(holding hands, sitting close, putting your arm around your partner)--for people in relationships of many years...

People just don't do it.

Whether they don't think they have to "try" that hard, they think "we're not teenagers anymore" or there are too many old grievances between the two of them to allow themselves to show this kind of love and affection...

They don't do it.

We suggest you take the plunge and go out on a limb. Break this rule and reach for your partner's hand the next time you're out. See what happens.

#5 Rule to Break: You don't have to treat your partner with respect after being together for a few years

If there's one thing we see as we observe other couples, it's that as time goes on, there's a tendency to forget about respecting each other and they take each other for granted.

This lack of respect can come in the form of not acknowledging one another when one person returns home after being away.

It can come in the form of allowing the interruption of a telephone call, email or Facebook to take precedence over
listening to your partner when he or she talks to you.

Or it can come in the form of using unkind words to your partner when kind words would work just as well.

If you want passion to grow, you have to start respecting each other.

Take a moment now and look at your interactions with your partner to see where you might be more loving and respectful of him or her.

Being the rule breakers that we are, we urge you to join us in breaking these relationship rules.

If you want more passion that last for years to come, start now.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)