A Fast, Easy (and Effective) Communication "Trick" You Can Use...
Have you ever put your foot in your mouth?
No--not literally...
We mean, have you ever said or done something that you would rather take back as soon as it came out--but since there's no instant rewind button, you couldn't?
Have you ever tried to make some changes for the better in yourself and in your relationship but you keep falling back into your old ways?
Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions--you're not alone!
You might go along for awhile and everything's fine but add a small (or a hugely) stressful situation (like the recent holiday weekend) and wham--you're back saying and doing the things you absolutely know will push your partner or other people in your life away.
For Susie, this can amount to not getting enough sleep. Sometimes when this happens, it's just like some strange entity takes her over and she's not really aware of what's coming out of her mouth--until it's too late!
She seems to go unconscious and certainly is not in the present moment.
As we work with men and women in our Breakthrough Relationship Coaching practice, we keep coming back to the fact that in order to make changes for the better in our lives, the words we use (and the intent behind those words) do make a huge difference.
Let's say your partner says something that seems critical about what you've done or not done.
What happens?
You feel hurt and then immediately start defending yourself.
You react with anger, sarcasm or you might withdraw and close down from your partner.
Whatever you automatically do, it always pushes your partner away, pushes his or her buttons, closes down the conversation and separates the two of you.
So what's this easy communication "trick" that can stop all that anger and separation and get you talking again?
It's pretty simple and it's a technique that we teach our coaching clients to do when they get triggered...
The "trick" has a couple of parts...
1. When you feel yourself "grabbed" by what your partner says, turn your attention to yourself.
Breathe and slow everything down so you don't escalate into the same old argument.
The trick is to catch the physical sensations in your body when you feel attacked or wronged in some way and stop yourself from saying and doing what you know will just make it worse.
2. Ask your partner this Magic phrase that's in our "Magic Relationship Words" program--
"Tell me more about that--help me to understand why you say that."
Be sure to ask with curiosity and not with sarcasm or blame--and then listen instead of defend.
This can be so important to creating more love in your relationship!
It doesn't mean you agree--it just means that you are trying to understand your partner and keep a sense of openness between that two of you.
But what about those times you go unconscious and "forget" about the changes you want to make and the new technique you've learned?
What do you do then when you're on auto-pilot because of stress, lack of sleep, physical pain or any other reason you can attach to it--and auto-pilot takes you into the past and your old ways?
Whenever you can climb out of "auto-pilot" and come into consciousness, just start over.
(Believe us that it does get easier to catch yourself!)
You can say something like this...
"I don't want to fight. Can we start over? Can you talk to me again so I can understand?"
And then start over by listening and not reacting.
Believe us when we say that this little "trick" (and recovery technique) will take you far into creating more passion, spark and connection.
