Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Have you ever lost trust in your partner (maybe because of cheating) and in the process, lost trust in yourself?

That's just what happened to one of our readers. Here's what she wrote to us...

"Well, my boyfriend of 4.5 years, cheated on me with somebody for the last 5 months. I'm sure it stopped completely...but every time I'm not with him, I feel extremely anxious and bad memories start bombarding me. II really love him, but even though he's with me now and didn't want to stay with her and leave me... (even though she threatened him with the "I'm pregnant" excuse)... it's been hard for me to get back my confidence. What do I do?"

It's true...

Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you (and for 5 months) absolutely rocks your world and shatters your self confidence in the process.

Even if he (or she) wants to come back to you (and you are willing), you can't stop thinking that your partner chose someone else and somewhere deep inside you, you wonder what's wrong with you that you weren't enough.

It's that doubt and lack of self confidence that can keep you from fully mending your relationship after infidelity.

And in saying this, it's certainly not excusing the person who cheated and blaming the one who was cheated on if the relationship eventually can not recover.

We're saying that if you want to regain trust that you need to do a few things to help you be successful.

If you have had something similar happen to you, here's what we recommend...

1. Find out for sure that the affair is over. If you don't know for sure, get our program about how to tell if your partner is lying and cheating.

2. Find out why the affair happened. This will take some practice and self-control on your part so that you don't become defensive. If your partner is willing to talk to you about why it happened (no details unless you're a masochist), try to listen from an objective place.

We know that that's very, very difficult but if you want to know how to make your relationship better, you need to know what he/she saw in the other person.

This is certainly not to excuse your partner's hurtful behavior and it's not to blame you. It's simply to get some information.

3. Get a plan and focus your attention on making your relationship what you both want. Chances are that even if you didn't cheat, your relationship could be better in certain ways. Find out what you're both willing to do to move closer to what you each want.

If you need a plan for rebuilding trust, be sure to check out our "Relationship Trust Turnaround" program.

4. When your self-talk gets down on you and shoves your self-confidence even further lower, back up, take a breath and find something to appreciate about yourself. If you can't think of anything, keep at it until you come up with something. Then go out and take a walk or distract yourself in some way.

Keep moving toward what you want and that means taking on your inner demons that try to destroy your self-confidence.

If you want your relationship to heal, take these very powerful steps.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There's a common myth that runs rampant in the minds of millions and millions of men and women that almost singlehandedly does more to kill passion, love, connection, intimacy than anything.

This myth can also turn even the most hopeful of relationships into piles of rubble waiting for divorce attorneys to sort out...

It's tragic but It's true...

...And you don't have to let this myth ruin your relationship and destroy something so precious that you want so badly.

All you have to do is do certain things in certain ways in your relationship or marriage and you can totally eliminate any possibility that this myth will wreck its terrible fate on you and your love.

One thing you can count on is the fact that we're here to help you with this every step of the way...

So what is this myth that we're talking about and what can you do about it?

One of the biggest myths that millions of men and women alike buy into is the belief that it's "normal and natural" for passion, love, intimacy, connection and yes, even hot juicy delicious s...e...x to fade away or die after being in
a relationship for a while.

It has become our mission to show you (and as many people as possible) that this myth is way wrong.

In fact, we believe that in relationship, it's normal and natural for it to be the other way around.

We believe that it's normal and natural for you to keep "the spark" alive for as long as you want.

The problem is that most people (maybe even you) are constantly doing things that take them away from what it is that they really want in their relationship or marriage and they don't even realize it.

This is why we've created so many books and programs around different relationship challenges--to help you to
keep the spark alive longer as challenges arise.

Maybe you're not like this but there are many people in relationship who "talk on eggshells" and don't say what
they think or talk about how they feel or share what's important to them out of fear of what their partner will say, how they will react and what they will do.

What we have discovered is that it's impossible to have a close, connected, loving relationship where the spark is alive and well if you're "talking on eggshells" all the time.

Talking on eggshells isn't the only thing that keeps you from keeping the spark alive forever...

There are many more issues but one of the biggest is complacency and the idea that "now that I have you, I
don't have to do anything to keep the spark alive..."

This happened to some friends of ours who just became a "couple."

One of the things they had to put a stop to rather quickly was the idea that if you're now together and now a "couple" that the relationship will just take care of itself.

They found out that this couldn't be more wrong.

They found out (like a lot of couples) that yes... initially the newness of the relationship IS enough to start their relationship off with sparks flying, love and intimacy happening naturally as their hearts and minds were wide open to each other.

But what they found out (that some couples eventually discover) is that if you want to keep the spark alive over the long haul-- you have to treat your love a lot like a garden.

If you don't plant the seeds of the things that you want to grow and you don't water them, tend to them, fertilize and
nurture them, then in most cases they won't survive.

This is the same way it is in a relationship or marriage.

If you want it to grow, then you have to continually be doing things that cultivate and grow your relationship.

Don't talk to each other in the same old way if it's not working.

Use words that open your partner and words that pull them close instead of push them away.

We've got a whole collection of these words we call "magic relationship words."

So back to the myth we've been talking about...

Don't believe that it's normal and natural for passion to die and for the spark to fade away.

This is simply not true.

It's been our experience, both in our own lives and in the lives of other people, that the spark stays as long as you want it, as long as you focus on it and as long as you make it important.

To keep the passion and the spark alive in your relationship or marriage, one of the most important things you can do is become aware of this all too common myth and do everything you can to keep from believing and buying into
this mythology that the spark dies and there's nothing you can do about it.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Have you ever put your foot in your mouth?

No--not literally...

We mean, have you ever said or done something that you would rather take back as soon as it came out--but since there's no instant rewind button, you couldn't?

Have you ever tried to make some changes for the better in yourself and in your relationship but you keep falling back into your old ways?

Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions--you're not alone!

You might go along for awhile and everything's fine but add a small (or a hugely) stressful situation (like the recent holiday weekend) and wham--you're back saying and doing the things you absolutely know will push your partner or other people in your life away.

For Susie, this can amount to not getting enough sleep. Sometimes when this happens, it's just like some strange entity takes her over and she's not really aware of what's coming out of her mouth--until it's too late!

She seems to go unconscious and certainly is not in the present moment.

As we work with men and women in our Breakthrough Relationship Coaching practice, we keep coming back to the fact that in order to make changes for the better in our lives, the words we use (and the intent behind those words) do make a huge difference.

Let's say your partner says something that seems critical about what you've done or not done.

What happens?

You feel hurt and then immediately start defending yourself.

You react with anger, sarcasm or you might withdraw and close down from your partner.

Whatever you automatically do, it always pushes your partner away, pushes his or her buttons, closes down the conversation and separates the two of you.

So what's this easy communication "trick" that can stop all that anger and separation and get you talking again?

It's pretty simple and it's a technique that we teach our coaching clients to do when they get triggered...

The "trick" has a couple of parts...

1. When you feel yourself "grabbed" by what your partner says, turn your attention to yourself.

Breathe and slow everything down so you don't escalate into the same old argument.

The trick is to catch the physical sensations in your body when you feel attacked or wronged in some way and stop yourself from saying and doing what you know will just make it worse.

2. Ask your partner this Magic phrase that's in our "Magic Relationship Words" program--

"Tell me more about that--help me to understand why you say that."

Be sure to ask with curiosity and not with sarcasm or blame--and then listen instead of defend.

This can be so important to creating more love in your relationship!

It doesn't mean you agree--it just means that you are trying to understand your partner and keep a sense of openness between that two of you.

But what about those times you go unconscious and "forget" about the changes you want to make and the new technique you've learned?

What do you do then when you're on auto-pilot because of stress, lack of sleep, physical pain or any other reason you can attach to it--and auto-pilot takes you into the past and your old ways?

Whenever you can climb out of "auto-pilot" and come into consciousness, just start over.

(Believe us that it does get easier to catch yourself!)

You can say something like this...

"I don't want to fight. Can we start over? Can you talk to me again so I can understand?"

And then start over by listening and not reacting.

Believe us when we say that this little "trick" (and recovery technique) will take you far into creating more passion, spark and connection.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)