Love and Relationship Advice Blog

What we know for sure is that disagreement is normal and natural within a relationship or marriage. It can be uncomfortable, frustrating and NOT what you want to do--but there it is and you have to deal with it.

HOW you deal with disagreement is a large part of what determines whether you stay in love over the years and there are certainly "right" ways and "wrong" ways of doing it.

A person who got our "No More Jealousy" program sent us a message about what she's learned and how she's turning her relationship around that goes far beyond the subject of stopping jealousy.

What she's learned and is practicing goes to the very heart of how to stop disagreements and fights before they even get started.

Her letter is so compelling (whether jealousy is a problem for you or not), we're including it here along with our summary of her ideas...

**Letter from a Reader...

"Your No More Jealousy package has helped me realize that the most effective way to stop being jealous is to shift focus from the fear of losing my husband to taking stock of what I need and want in order to be fulfilled. I cannot control who seeks my husband out at parties or who he approaches for conversation. If that is where my focus remains, I am actually denying the value of my own experiences. I now try top stay focused on who it is I want to talk to and what is conveyed in my interactions rather than following my husband's every move out of the corner of my eye.

"Your materials also helped me gain the clarity of mind to speak with my husband about what I may need from him so that I can better enjoy our time at social gatherings. He now makes sure to spend some time with me at these gatherings so that we interact as a couple for a period. He also makes sure to check in with me periodically at parties which helps me feel more grounded and secure.

"I have become much better at recognizing the knee-jerk thought patterns I become trapped in when I see my husband enjoying the time he spends with another woman. Instead of comparing myself to that woman or allowing my fear of losing him to take over, I commit to engaging more fully in my own interactions with others and leave him space for his.

"All in all, your materials have helped me re orient myself towards a healthy path of self growth. In the process, I am gaining more confidence in myself and the validity of my own experience. Thank you for the work that you do."

**Our comments...

Wow--what an inspiration this woman is and we appreciate her letting us know what's working for her to create the marriage that she wants!

Here's a short list of the actions she's taking to stop her jealousy that you can use when disagreements of any kind come up in your life...

1. Shift your focus from fear to what you want and need.

Fear of what happened in the past and what could happen in the future simply ignites fights and keeps them going. Make a concerted effort when fear comes up to calm yourself down and shift to what you want and need.

2. Recognize knee-jerk thought patterns you get trapped in.

So many times when you get triggered, you don't even realize what thoughts you have that are causing you to be triggered in the first place. In order to stop a fight before it begins, you have to become aware of what thoughts you're thinking that are causing you stress.

Awareness is the first step and you have to stop yourself from skipping this step when your emotions seem to dictate your actions.

3. Get clarity of mind to speak what you need.

When your negative, fearful thoughts take you over, you have to do something to stop yourself from unconsciously saying and doing what will shut your partner down, cause a big fight and end all hope for a discussion.

To avoid this from tearing the two of you apart, you have to find and use ways to get clarity about what you want and then speak it directly--and ask.

So there you have it...Proven ways to stop fights and disagreements before they happen.

If you practice these suggestions, we know you have more of the love and connection that you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Every time that Joanne's husband Jack returns home from a business trip, they seem to get into an argument-- and that's a lot because he travels regularly for work.

Joanne can't seem to stop her jealous thoughts (even if it was unwarranted jealousy) about Jack having an affair with another woman who lives in a different city. She wants to trust Jack and believe him when he says that he is not cheating, but it's so hard when the stories in her mind seem so real.

And sometimes he is secretive about where he's been when she tries to call his cell phone late at night and he doesn't answer. Joanne really doesn't know what to believe anymore.

She can see that her relationships is tense and strained and she's never felt so far away from Jack as she does now.

Because of her jealousy, she has said and done things that she deeply regrets--but she doesn't know how to stop.

When your jealous thoughts take hold, it can be difficult to stop them. They seem so real-- and the fact of the matter is, you may not know what's real.

After all, your jealousy probably didn't materialize out of nothing. Perhaps there is something going on that your jealous fears are alerting you about.

But, then again, perhaps your jealous fears have more to do with your insecurity or past hurts than they do with your current partner and relationship.

We know it can be confusing and frustrating.

Before jealousy completely ruins your relationship, read what one woman who bought our "No More Jealousy" program said about how she's using the material to beat jealousy...
"I am slowly reading the book and have just started listening to the first tape. What I have been doing is highlighting the phrases, sentences and paragraphs that I want to go back and re-read over and over again.

"I keep a highlighter marker in my briefcase and use it often. I love the book and loved the last tape (that I skipped to) of inspirational phrases."

Here are 3 tips based on our "No More Jealousy" course...

#1) Get to the root of your jealousy.

When you are feeling less triggered, take some time to explore the possible roots of your jealousy.

We encourage you to set aside, for the moment, your judgment about whether or not your jealous thoughts
are true or false. For now, identify the feelings that come up most frequently for you when you are jealous.

*Is it fear that you will be abandoned?
*Is it a feeling of inadequacy about who you are and your worthiness of having a loving partner?
*Is it anger or resentment because you feel like you are being ignored or your needs are not being met?

Get to know these emotions. Ask yourself if the feelings and thoughts related to them remind you of any past experiences or previous relationships.

If you need help, we have great success helping our Breakthrough Relationship coaching clients become jealousy-free and we invite you to find out more about how we can help you with coaching.

Feel where in your body you get tight or anxious when your jealousy comes up.

This is all very valuable to know because if you are able to pinpoint the moment jealous thoughts come up, as well as when you feel the results in your body of those jealous thoughts--you will be better able to calm yourself down so you can go on with your day and take appropriate action when needed.

Otherwise, you are reacting from habit and as Joanne felt--in a very irrational, harmful way.

#2) Return to the present moment.

Now, bring your attention back to the present moment.

Get into the habit of determining if your feelings--and especially the thoughts that fuel the feelings--are based in what's going on right now or, if they instead link more directly to the past.

It's quite possible that what's going on between you and your current partner is similar to a dynamic that developed in a past relationship.

Begin to practice telling the difference between what is happening right now and what happened in the past. In the heat of a jealous moment, it can be a challenge to do this.

You can build your skills in this regard by returning to the present moment throughout your day-- about things that are unrelated to your relationship at first.

Joanne has started to consciously bring her attention back to the present moment several times a day.

When she is taking breaks from her work at the office, she'll recognize that her mind is beginning to wander and she is thinking about what she did last night or what she will do this weekend. After this recognizing, Joanne takes a deep breath and deliberately tunes in to her current surroundings.

She feels clear and centered after she does this. She plans to try this technique the next time that she begins to notice the first signs of jealousy.

#3) Follow through.

These first two tips are inner skills that you can practice and use when jealous emotions arise within you. They can be very powerful techniques that can help you calm down and become more certain about what you are seeing or hearing.

With the increased clarity, you can make decisions that will support you and possibly help you save your relationship.

For example, as Joanne is becoming more adept at returning to the present moment and sorting through her emotions and thoughts, she is realizing that she has many unanswered questions about Jack's behavior on these business trips.

Too often, Joanne notices that Jack will simply call her jealous when she asks him why he didn't answer his phone while away. He tends to avoid these questions even when she is curious, not accusatory. Joanne also realizes that she's had problems in the past saying what's true for her and making herself heard.

As you come upon information that just doesn't add up or you see behaviors and habits that you'd like to change, be sure to follow through.

Calmly make requests for more information so that you can better understand what your partner is telling you.

We realize that being calm in the midst of jealousy isn't easy but it's oh so important to learn how to do it! Create agreements with him or her in order to address habits that create distance in your relationship--and do it when the two of you are not in the middle of a battle.

If you aren't certain that you can trust the answers that you are receiving from your mate, find ways to get reliable information.

There are specific actions you can take to determine the truth about whether or not your partner is lying and cheating, for example.

Yes, we encourage you to own up to your jealous habit if you have one. Try the tips we suggested above so
that you can stop jealousy from clouding your vision of what's going on.

At the same time, we advise you to be wise-- get the information you need so that your questions can be reliably answered. These steps just might help you save your relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)