He won't listen--She's frustrated and wants connection
What can be more irritating than when your beloved doesn't listen to you and starts trying to "fix" you in the process?
**Question from a reader...
"My fiance has been through personal development work and so understands the importance of taking responsibility for our actions and our feelings EXCEPT - the problem is is that he keeps telling me to take responsibility for my feelings instead of him taking responsibility for his actions. Basically, he took the responsibility advice as he can behave however he will behave and I need to control my feelings and take responsibility for them if they make me sad or upset. There is no connecting, no relating, no understanding - just a "mentor" telling me to change my feelings about what's happened."
**Our answer...
Yes, we're all for both people taking personal responsibility in a relationship--in fact, that's the only way it will work in a healthy way--BUT when there's no connection in the process, that can really be a problem.
Here are some ways to create more connection and be responsible...
1. Be sure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings.
By that, we mean that you are questioning the untrue stories in your head and soothing yourself if they are untrue.
But it sounds to us like you really want him to change his behavior--and he doesn't want to change.
If his actions are a violation of your values or beliefs, then you have another problem.
2. Take the emotion or feelings out of it--address the behavior
Get as calm as you are able to be and address his behavior that goes against what you value.
Let's say he's looking at (or more) other women more than you want or feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who stares so openly.
It's no longer about feelings but rather about how you want to be treated as a partner--and how you want your relationship to be.
3.How do you want to be treated in this relationship and is this a deal breaker for you?
Be clear about how you want to be treated in this relationship--with yourself and with him. In this case, it sounds like there's something specific that happened that he doesn't want to talk about with you. If you are in control of your feelings and honestly want to try to work out an agreement, then ask for that kind of discussion.
If he's unwilling to face what happened and continues to not want to talk about it, you have to consider whether this is a deal breaker or not.
Get yourself and your feelings in check and open to finding a way to be together that works for both of you (instead of just venting which he obviously doesn't want to hear). See what the two of you want for your relationship and see if you can agree.
Comments
you've pointed great issues here, now I understand some of my problems as well.
Posted by: shadir shik | May 5, 2011 04:01 AM
Totally agree. Emotional connection has to be there.
And usually, in this case, she just wants to be heard and have her feelings validated... NOT to be "fixed."
Unfortunately, most guys fall into this trap because it's how we're taught to think... to think logically and solve the problem.
Excellent points in this post. Keep up the great work!
Posted by: Will | May 10, 2011 02:35 PM
When a partner tries to 'fix' the other, its a sure sign of incompatibility. Essentially, by 'fixing' someone you a trying to turn them into something they are not.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 16, 2011 07:18 AM
My own advice would be to not have discussions in the heat of the moment. Wait until the tension has abated and negotiate the events that lead to the argument at a later time.
www.zenrelationships.com
Posted by: Eva Mendes | May 17, 2011 08:03 PM
This is really a big predicament. You should listen to your partner while he or she is talking so that you can sort things out and if you have some misunderstanding, you can find ways how to resolve it. Let the other finish talking first before you talk.
Posted by: dateing sites | May 25, 2011 12:44 AM
Your answers are right on. It is difficult to make someone "act responsibly".
It seems he is basically saying, I'm going to do what I want. You do the same. If I'm violating your values or beliefs, you decide what to do about it.
Great Advice
Posted by: Michael | June 25, 2011 05:35 PM