Love and Relationship Advice Blog

What can be more irritating than when your beloved doesn't listen to you and starts trying to "fix" you in the process?

**Question from a reader...

"My fiance has been through personal development work and so understands the importance of taking responsibility for our actions and our feelings EXCEPT - the problem is is that he keeps telling me to take responsibility for my feelings instead of him taking responsibility for his actions. Basically, he took the responsibility advice as he can behave however he will behave and I need to control my feelings and take responsibility for them if they make me sad or upset. There is no connecting, no relating, no understanding - just a "mentor" telling me to change my feelings about what's happened."

**Our answer...

Yes, we're all for both people taking personal responsibility in a relationship--in fact, that's the only way it will work in a healthy way--BUT when there's no connection in the process, that can really be a problem.

Here are some ways to create more connection and be responsible...

1. Be sure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings.

By that, we mean that you are questioning the untrue stories in your head and soothing yourself if they are untrue.

But it sounds to us like you really want him to change his behavior--and he doesn't want to change.

If his actions are a violation of your values or beliefs, then you have another problem.

2. Take the emotion or feelings out of it--address the behavior

Get as calm as you are able to be and address his behavior that goes against what you value.

Let's say he's looking at (or more) other women more than you want or feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who stares so openly.

It's no longer about feelings but rather about how you want to be treated as a partner--and how you want your relationship to be.

3.How do you want to be treated in this relationship and is this a deal breaker for you?

Be clear about how you want to be treated in this relationship--with yourself and with him. In this case, it sounds like there's something specific that happened that he doesn't want to talk about with you. If you are in control of your feelings and honestly want to try to work out an agreement, then ask for that kind of discussion.

If he's unwilling to face what happened and continues to not want to talk about it, you have to consider whether this is a deal breaker or not.

Get yourself and your feelings in check and open to finding a way to be together that works for both of you (instead of just venting which he obviously doesn't want to hear). See what the two of you want for your relationship and see if you can agree.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Here's what we've discovered...

A great "anything" does not happen by accident.

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" are two different things.

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the question is...

How do they do it?

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over. Here are just a few...

1 .Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long period of time get on the same team.

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or marriage and they are left wondering...

Why?

The reason is simple:

When you put yourself against your partner, even in your mind, you drive a wedge between the two of you that prevents love and connection.

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse have a disagreement and you think you're right and your partner's wrong--or even a friendly little "harmless" competition about anything, when you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question:

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do I feel distant and more disconnected?"

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there is any kind of competition between the two of you.

Of all the people we have ever worked with personally and those who have gone through our "Should You Stay
or Should You Go?" program for deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship http://www.StayorGo.com ...

Not one of these people has ever said to us...

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're splitting up!"

It just doesn't happen.

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this:

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team.

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are just too great if you don't.

2. Couples who stay in love talk with kindness to each other.

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but they also use different words than the rest of us when they talk to each other.

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner instead of shut him or her down.

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can wound and words can heal.

We've found that the right words truly can make all the difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship becomes a divorce or breakup statistic.

We've also found that remembering to be kind, especially with your partner, is a "must" if you want to stay in love over the long haul.

3. Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other.

Just last night, Susie told Otto that she really appreciated that he cleaned up the kitchen after dinner.

Now some people would say that she shouldn't have to appreciate something like that because they are sharing responsibilities of the household.

Of course she didn't HAVE to appreciate him but a little appreciation goes a long, long way to keeping the two of us close and connected--and we know it will in your relationship too.

Another benefit to appreciation is that the other person will be more likely to keep doing what you like and want a lot more often than if you just let actions go by without commenting on them.

To many people, it may seem kind of silly for a couple who's been together as long as we've been together to be telling each other what we appreciate about each other all the time.

But it works--

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the difference it makes in your relationship.

Simply say to your partner:

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________"

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or appreciate about him or her.

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a relationship or marriage.

Please know that we're not naive enough to think that in all cases simply "appreciating each other more" will solve all your relationship ills.

We're not suggesting that at all.

What we are saying is that it's been our experience that when you tell your partner, spouse or lover how much you
like, love and appreciate him or her in specific ways on a regular basis, --your relationship really sings.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today we have a very sincere and important question that one of our readers sent in to us and our suggestions for what she might consider doing to solve this relationship situation.

Whether you're a man or a woman and regardless of your situation, we think there are some really good take-ways for you in here that you'll benefit greatly from.

In the meantime...

We wanted to let you know that if you have any desire at all to "get closer" to your partner, spouse or lover, we
still have a few spots open for our "Get Closer" weekend.

For the last few remaining spots, we're bringing back the "early bird" prices for the remaining spots so that we can
make this as affordable as possible for you.

If you want to come and your partner can't come or you feel that you are more motivated than your partner to
improve your relationship, we still want you to come to our "Get Closer Weekend."

We'll personally show you our best secrets for creating a deeper connection, rebuilding trust, igniting the passion
once again, improving communication and much more...

****

Question from a Reader>>>

Dear Susie and Otto--

"How can I implement your suggestions and hope for any success when my husband refuses to believe that there is anything to improve?

"His answer to everything is... "I'm perfectly happy--if there is a problem, it's YOUR problem, so you'd better fix your problem and then everything would be OK. Are all men like this?

"Despite your assurances that changes I make within myself will offer him options to change, it has not worked that
way, and I'm tired. Tired of trying every suggestion, being more open, listening without judgment, all the things you and all the other self-help gurus preach, and seeing no results.

"It's very frustrating. I am pulling more and more into my own world and spending time with people who relate to me the way I am and with whom I can connect without "talking on eggshells." It's just too exhausting, so I've resigned myself to living with a 'roommate.'

"It's sad, but my marriage will never be one of connectedness, soul-mate-ness. It's just two flawed people living under the same roof, trying to get through each day."

Our Comments>>>

We can understand how painful this is for you and believe us when we say that it isn't just men who don't take any responsibility for fixing upsets in a relationship.

Women can be just as guilty of this too.

We've worked with enough couples with similar stories that we know the drill...

You feel like you try and try and try and nothing ever seems to change so you do what a lot of people do.

You give up and "settle" for mediocrity in your relationship or worse.

We're certainly not blaming you, but...

Everyone's entitled to live their life in whatever they want but if you want more love, passion, connection or anything else in your relationship, here's a suggestion...

Don't settle.

Do something--ANYTHING but don't ever settle.

That's the death knell of relationships.

Don't settle for what you are currently doing in REACTION to your partner.

We know that you're fed up with doing everything in the relationship and trying ideas that don't seem to budge him
from his position.

Here's the thing...

He may or may not want to change but if you start changing and taking yourself out of your old "relationship dance," something will shift.

Paula and her husband were coaching clients of ours and over the years before coming to us, Paula and her husband increasingly fought more and more--even about little things. Paula felt like she couldn't say or do anything right.

He seemed to be constantly irritated (and she thought it was always about her) and they spent a lot of time in
separate rooms during evening hours--him on the computer and Paula watching tv or reading a book.

She wanted the closeness they used to have and although she didn't want to fight with him, it always ended up that way.

He wasn't interested in talking about their relationship and Paula was very frustrated.

Here's what we suggested...

1. Look at what part you're playing in your "relationship dance." Simply replay the action in one of your troublesome interactions and don't pay attention to what your partner does--pay attention to what you do.

2. When you really see how you withdraw, fight back, defend yourself or whatever else you do, take a breath and don't do that thing you've always done.

In other words, don't keep repeating what doesn't work.

3. Say what's true for you and don't defend it. If your partner wants to fight over it, don't do it. Take yourself out of the fight.

4. Get clear about what you're committed to and figure out what you're willing to tolerate in your relationship.

Make sure you don't just "settle" and commit to something bigger than you can see for yourself right now.

Paula started practicing these ideas (as well as others) and her husband began to actually reveal more about himself to her than he had in years. They are also having far fewer arguments.

Is Paula's relationship exactly the way she wants it? No, not completely but Paula has seen that it's finally going in
the right direction--and she's happy with the changes she's seeing in herself and in her husband.

So to our reader--Keep experimenting and growing as a person by trying different ideas.

Do it for your relationship but more importantly, do it for you.

No matter what your partner does or doesn't do, you have the choice to keep growing.

You can also consider other options if it becomes too painful for you and you can't fathom living in this way forever.

If you need help sorting out one of the most important decisions you'll ever make, check out our "Should you stay or should you go?" book.

The truth is that if you're growing, your partner may also choose to change.

Dr. David Schnarch in his book, "Intimacy & Desire" says this about marriage and love relationships...

"Marriage asks, Are you willing to stand up now, or do things have to get worse?...Love relationships prod you to stand up and deal with things that frighten you."

Our question to you is this...

Are you going to stand up and deal with what frightens you or are you going to let it get worse?

Whether your relationship issues are overwhelming or not very big, take this opportunity to love yourself, your partner and your relationship by taking action to stop your behaviors that hold you back from having the love you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)