Relationship Advice When Your Partner Withdraws...
So things are going along pretty well and one day, your partner withdraws and you don't have a clue what happened. It's like the bottom just fell out, you're left dangling and you don't know what to do.
Whether you're just starting to date or you've been in a committed relationship or marriage for many years, when this happens, it can really put you into a tail-spin and play havoc with your confidence and your life.
If this has ever happened to you and you were clueless as to the cause, here's a question from a reader and our answer to her that might help...
**Reader's Question**
"I want to know, what do you do when he starts withdrawing and making excuses why he can't see you?"
**Our response**
If he is withdrawing and making excuses why he can't see you then for some reason it feels safer for him or more pleasurable for him to withdraw than to come closer to you.
Maybe it was something you did or maybe you've wracked your brain trying to figure out what you did and you can't come up with anything.
And to make matters worse, he may not tell you what's wrong. He may even deny he's withdrawn from you--but you know he has.
We have no way of knowing what those reasons may be but the fact is that we (and that means everyone) ALWAYS do what feels best to us.
As for the excuses he's making...
Here are a few questions to ask yourself that may provide some answers...
**Are his reasons for NOT seeing you real or are they really excuses?
**Is this something new or has he been withdrawing more and more as time goes on?
**What (if anything) has happened that would make him want to pull away?
**Are you wanting a commitment of some kind that he isn't wanting to make?
**Do you keep having the same argument over and over again and it's exhausting him?
(In other words, do you want him to be someone different from who he is and who he wants to be and are you making him wrong for who he is?)
**Given the situation and what's going on... if you were him, would YOU want to see you more of the time or less?
**Are you withholding yourself from him and waiting for him to come closer to you first? (This is usually a mistake)
Please know that we're not making any judgments about you--only providing some questions for you to consider that may light the way to some insights about this situation.
If he is withdrawing from you and you discover that you've been pushing him and your relationship to be different, then you have a decision to make.
You can either love who he is and focus on what's working in your relationship RIGHT NOW (That means discovering whether there's enough going "right" between the two of you RIGHT NOW for you to do what's necessary to try to save the relationship.) Translate that to enough going "right" at this moment that you want to stay in the relationship.
Don't "pie-in-the-sky" it but look at what's really happening.
In order to help you, decide whether to stay in or leave your relationship
, sit down and take an inventory of what you want in a relationship and take an honest look at whether this relationship can be that relationship or not.
While we're all for making relationships work, we also urge you to look at what's best for you.
Comments
my boyfriend and I are 65
years old. i am very jealous and it is driving him away. he has been a movie buff all of his life and studies all female stars, i feel i can never live up to these stars. it makes me feel very insecure. also i would like to live together but he doesn't. do you think this relationship has a chance?
Posted by: Carol | May 12, 2011 09:08 AM
Here's the thing...until you conquer your jealousy, both of your lives would probably be miserable if you lived together. So work on your jealousy--we have lots of free advice on this site as well as http://www.nomorejealousy.com
Take it slow, heal your jealousy and your relationship has a better chance than if you continue in the direction you're going. I also do coaching and have been very successful in helping people let go of jealousy.
Start taking some healthy steps now!!!
My best to you, Susie
Posted by: Susie | May 24, 2011 04:10 PM