Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Jealousy comes in all shapes and sizes and we just never know when it will catch us by surprise.

Here's a recent question from Chris and it's one that many people--male and female--have whether their in new relationships or ones that have been around for many years...

(In fact, you could substitute "her dad" for mom, ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, any relative, friend or co-worker.)

What it boils down to is that one person in the relationship doesn't feel as important to their loved one as someone else is.

Question from Chris::

"My girlfriend of a year asks me for advice but I have noticed that she would than ask her dad the same advice question as if my answer was not good enough or making sure that I am right. She does not think this or say this aloud but this is what I feel. I'm I wrong to feel this way?"

Our Answer:

Chris, let's get this straight--you feel what you feel and even if you aren't calling it jealousy, we're sure that this hasn't escaped your mind.

Here's the thing...

Your girlfriend could be feeling that your answer wasn't good enough but what also could be true is that you could be making up a story that she thinks you are a dolt in the advice department.

There are all kinds of reasons why your girlfriend asks her dad for advice after she asks you..

*She may not want to hurt his feelings
*She may ask him out of habit because she always has asked him
*It may be her way of feeling loved by him

With all that being said--have you tried bringing it to her attention that she's doing this (without making her wrong) and you're wondering/are curious why she does it.

Susie sometimes likes to get a lot of people's opinions before she makes up her mind to do something--especially something big--and sometimes this drives Otto crazy because the process seems to go on and on.

Now, he used to take it personally but no more because he understands that this is just Susie's process--but we had a discussion about it to clear it all up.

Chris, your girlfriend might just be gathering information and has nothing to do with you not being good enough.

Find out more about how she makes decisions without making her process wrong--try to understand her and you'll be able to get some peace that way!

This is good advice for anyone who's experiencing a bit (or a lot) of jealousy because their partner seems to be turning to someone other than them.

Talk to your loved one without being defensive (we know that can be hard). Just listen and be open to understanding. You can also tell your partner how you've been feeling and ask your partner for help.

She or he may or may not stop asking that other person for advice but by the two of you talking about this, it may open your partner to looking at what they may be doing out of habit.

Also look at reasons why you may be feeling less important to your partner and what you might want.

Do you want more time together? Do you want to learn how to get closer like you once were?

Decide what you want, listen to your partner and then decide how you're going forward together.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So things are going along pretty well and one day, your partner withdraws and you don't have a clue what happened. It's like the bottom just fell out, you're left dangling and you don't know what to do.

Whether you're just starting to date or you've been in a committed relationship or marriage for many years, when this happens, it can really put you into a tail-spin and play havoc with your confidence and your life.

If this has ever happened to you and you were clueless as to the cause, here's a question from a reader and our answer to her that might help...

**Reader's Question**

"I want to know, what do you do when he starts withdrawing and making excuses why he can't see you?"

**Our response**

If he is withdrawing and making excuses why he can't see you then for some reason it feels safer for him or more pleasurable for him to withdraw than to come closer to you.

Maybe it was something you did or maybe you've wracked your brain trying to figure out what you did and you can't come up with anything.

And to make matters worse, he may not tell you what's wrong. He may even deny he's withdrawn from you--but you know he has.

We have no way of knowing what those reasons may be but the fact is that we (and that means everyone) ALWAYS do what feels best to us.

As for the excuses he's making...

Here are a few questions to ask yourself that may provide some answers...

**Are his reasons for NOT seeing you real or are they really excuses?

**Is this something new or has he been withdrawing more and more as time goes on?

**What (if anything) has happened that would make him want to pull away?

**Are you wanting a commitment of some kind that he isn't wanting to make?

**Do you keep having the same argument over and over again and it's exhausting him?

(In other words, do you want him to be someone different from who he is and who he wants to be and are you making him wrong for who he is?)

**Given the situation and what's going on... if you were him, would YOU want to see you more of the time or less?

**Are you withholding yourself from him and waiting for him to come closer to you first? (This is usually a mistake)

Please know that we're not making any judgments about you--only providing some questions for you to consider that may light the way to some insights about this situation.

If he is withdrawing from you and you discover that you've been pushing him and your relationship to be different, then you have a decision to make.

You can either love who he is and focus on what's working in your relationship RIGHT NOW (That means discovering whether there's enough going "right" between the two of you RIGHT NOW for you to do what's necessary to try to save the relationship.) Translate that to enough going "right" at this moment that you want to stay in the relationship.

Don't "pie-in-the-sky" it but look at what's really happening.

In order to help you, decide whether to stay in or leave your relationship
, sit down and take an inventory of what you want in a relationship and take an honest look at whether this relationship can be that relationship or not.

While we're all for making relationships work, we also urge you to look at what's best for you.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You've been hearing us talk a lot about our upcoming "Get Closer Weekend" and if you are considering coming...

NOW is the time to act.

This is because the early bird special which means big savings on our "Get Closer Weekend" is about to expire.

Whether you're single or in a committed relationship, come learn the secrets to keeping love, passion and a great connection alive for as long as you want.

Just go here to get the details or to sign up for THIS incredible "Get Closer Weekend."

When people ask us what's one thing they can do to get closer in their relationship, we give them a suggestion
that goes something like what we talked about in our free teleclass we gave this past week...

If you want to get closer, one way is to focus on getting on the same team.

This seems so obvious but "getting on the same team" and getting the two of you lined up in the same way and focused in the same direction is one of the real challenges of relationships.

We can tell you from personal experience that when both of you work as a team as you move through life together, you can literally conquer anything and everything that gets in your way of keeping the passion, love and connection alive.

When it comes to great examples of "getting on the same team," you don't have to look any further than sports for inspiration, especially this time of year when the NCAA college basketball teams are gearing up for the "big dance."

Since we're from Columbus, of course we follow our Buckeyes and are excited the men are #1 right now in the standings.

As we've watched college basketball and other sports, especially the Cincinnati Reds baseball team, we've come to some conclusions about winning teams...

*It's not only talent that creates a winning team but it's also the way they work together as a team

*In winning teams, individual roles are clearly defined

*Individuals on a winning team appreciate their teammates and build them up. You don't hear them talking badly about each other.

*Winning teams have a sense of community and working toward a common objective. They are lined up in the same direction with the same purpose.

What does this have to do with your relationship?

Plenty.

When you take the time to get lined up and get on the same team, everything's easier. Disagreements are less intense and don't last as long--and passion and closeness are greater.

The problem is that most couples don't feel they're always (or even sometimes) on the same team.

What do couples do when they aren't on the same team?

These things are sure signs your relationship could be in trouble (without you even knowing it)...

*They cut each other down in front of others or in print like on Facebook

*They interrupt each other

*They aren't honest

*They look elsewhere for love and attention and have affairs--physical or emotional

*They don't trust one another

*They spend more time at the office or away from home than necessary

*They do too much or too little to keep the relationship going

*They hold onto old resentments and hurts for years

Why does this happen?

It's normal for each person in a relationship to have different desires--and those different desires are inevitably going to cause the two of you to clash so you don't feel like you're on the same team.

The magic's in how you deal with and navigate those differences so you can get on the same team and be allies.

When we got together, we made a decision and intention that we would be allies and supporters of one another on the path to love. We wanted to "do it differently" than our previous relationships that ended in divorce.

We didn't discover how important our decision and intention was until we started clashing with one another and lose our connection.

We would fall into being against one another from time to time just like any other couple (and we still do) but the difference is that we've found some ways to bring our connection back so we can feel close again.

In our "Get Closer Weekend," we're going to show you exactly how to get on the same team, how to get your hearts, minds and soul lined up in the same direction.

For now, here are a couple of ways you can stop being "enemies" and start feeling like allies and get on the same
team...

1. Become aware of what you do as a habit that pushes your partner away.

For Susie, it's stopping herself from being pushy and interrupting Otto and just listening when she gets irritated or tense. She has to slow herself down from jumping into finishing his sentences.

For Otto, he has to remember Susie's not the enemy and stop himself from getting into "fight" mode when he gets triggered. He has to remember how delicious their closeness is to him and not fall into fighting or withdrawing from her.

2. Find ways to stop whatever habit you have that takes you from feeling like you are on the same team.

For us, we have to be aware of the urge to do whatever is a habit for us to do when we get triggered by something and then make a conscious choice to remember our commitment to listening to understand where the other is coming from.

Not always easy, we know, but when we remember that our love is more important than "being right," we do get on the same team and resolve whatever has separated us.

Does that mean we become doormats?

Of course not. We find ways to express what we're feeling so the other can hear. We find ways to work out our differences. If you want some "magic words" to say when you're at odds with each other.

For you, we suggest you become aware of what takes you away from being aligned with your partner.

Take a moment now and write down one thing--maybe a small thing--that you know if you stopped doing it, the two of you would feel more in alignment with each other and on the same team.

We invite you to practice that "one thing" this week and see what happens in your relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

How do you keep a relationship loving, intimate, alive and growing over the long haul?

We are constantly on the look out for ideas to keep the spark alive in our relationship and we love passing them on to you. Just the other day, the Borders book store that is not far from our home had a going-out-of-business sale and we went shopping. Since we love books and our house is full of them, we had fun picking out some new books that would give us some new ideas to keep our love-making fresh and exciting.

One of the books is filled with erotic (but not too over the edge) stories that we're going to read to each other while we're on a vacation that's coming up.

So a trip to the book store might be fun for the two of you or you might choose something else...

One way you and your partner can reactivate your love and passion is to attend our workshop that's coming up--a "Get Closer Weekend." (Check out our short video about getting closer to your partner)

Here are some ideas other ideas from three people who agreed to share how they keep their passion and relationship alive and growing...

1. Be open to trying new things.

"For our marriage it is the openness to try different, new things. Go to new places, buy new things, try new activities. Just the willingness and the openness to do any of these things has a great power. Whether we continue them or not isn't the point its the trying it and being honest. It's showing trust in the other persons
ideas. We have found simple things like playing a computer game my husband truly enjoys but I have never tried. Going to a new place that I have gone but he hasn't."

2. Change things up and flirt with each other.

"After 12 years of marriage and 4 kids, my wife and I understand the need to 'work' to keep intimacy in our relationship. Truth be told, it is not work. We are both very good at doing the small things... sweet talk, gentle
touches throughout the day, demonstrate respect for each other. But we also look to change things up a bit. I
recently bought my wife a new cell phone with texting capabilities. I taught how to text and she almost immediately began texting me highly suggestive messages while I am at the office. By the end of the day, we have worked each other up mentally that we are really looking forward to see each other when I get home. Poor kids get sent to bed early A LOT recently."

3. Surprise your partner and communicate daily.

"One of the key things we do to keep our relationship alive is to make sure we can surprise each other. Surprises can take the form of presents of course, or simply an unexpected evening out, meal for two or even a gesture, a kind word here and there, a joke, a new way of looking at things, a new aspect to the relationship, a new activity together.

Otherwise, of course communication is key, and being open to listen to the others' concerns and feeling able to express one's own concerns is extremely important. We schedule time on a daily basis to see how the other person's day went, and also at the weekend to reflect over the week. When travelling, there are many forms of communication which can help to keep things alive, so we're thinking of each other: text messages, phone calls, e-mail."

If you have other ways of keep your relationship loving, alive and growing, we invite you to send us your story.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)