Love and Relationship Advice Blog

The holidays can be a lot of fun but if you're jealous or with a partner who is, it can be a season that you dread.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Note: If jealousy is a problem for you in your relationship, pick up a copy of our "No More Jealousy" program.

So how can you get through the holidays and even be jealousy free?

Here's the problem with jealousy and these holidays--and one of the reasons why it spells disaster for couples with jealousy issues...

Christmas and New Year celebrations (whether you celebrate these holidays or others) usually include parties,
get togethers and being more "social" than you normally have been throughout the year.

There could also be expectations about gift-giving with your loved one that can get so tangled up when there's
jealousy.

If either one of you is struggling with jealousy, you're probably not feeling very loving toward one another. Putting up a good front and pretending everything is okay can really take its toll on you and on your relationship.

You may even be comparing yourself or your partner with other people and are feeling alone and sad that you're coming up short and maybe even a failure.

So what do we suggest?

We suggest that you put yourself and your partner on a no-jealousy diet.

A no-jealousy diet is an intention you create to be free of jealousy for a specific period of time.

It might be over the Christmas weekend or maybe it's on New Year's Eve that you take this no-jealousy pledge.

Here are 3 ways to help you do on this no-jealousy diet and actually enjoy it...

1. Stop comparing yourself and your partner to anyone else

Just for this one period of time, take your focus away from comparing yourself or your partner to other people. When thoughts come up that you aren't as attractive as someone else or that this jealousy thing will never go away...shift your thoughts to the present moment and what's in front of you right now.

It's also helpful to remember why you love your partner and be in gratitude that you're together.

Sound difficult?

Maybe.

But remember--we're only asking you to do this for a few hours.

And you never know if you can do it until you try.

So try this when you have thoughts come up about how attractive your partner's co-worker is, how un-attractive
you feel, or how scared you are that your partner will create a jealous scene.

Take a deep breath and shift your attention inside you, saying something like this-"I love you."

You say this to yourself until you feel some ease in your body.

Try it every time you are envious of someone else, tempted to put yourself down, or frustrated by your partner's
jealousy.

2. Communicate what you want

To make your no-jealousy diet really work, you have to communicate with each other about how you and your partner can make this time special.

Before you can do this, you have to figure out what you want and then how to express it.

If you feel like it's difficult to go within yourself and determine what it is that you really want or to express it, we suggest that you turn your attention to one thing that you'd like instead of focusing on your fears of what your
partner may do or say or how they will react.

Do you want a quiet evening at home-just the two of you?

Do you want a truce and a moratorium on the arguments you've been having so you can have a nice dinner in a restaurant or an enjoyable time at a party or family gatherings?

Do you want to laugh together at a funny movie?

Take a moment and think what you'd like during this period of time?

If you're having trouble, we've got a whole course that shows you how to stop talking on eggshells and figure out what you want and how to share with your partner.

We know that it takes courage to resource yourself and find the courage to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about what you'd like during this time. But if you do, you'll see changes that live long past this holiday.

3. Make the commitment to treat your partner and yourself special.

This may sound pretty far out there right now but in order for your jealousy diet to be success, it's time to put down
your defenses and your thoughts that separate you and just treat each other with kindness and love.

Here's an image to help you...

Put all of your comparisons, anxious thoughts, fears about past or future in a trash can by the door. Just throw
them in. You can always pick them up again if you want but for now, throw them in the can and put a lid on them.

You might even put a sign on your imaginary trash can something like--"Don't open until January 2--and maybe not
even then."

Now, find one way to connect with your partner.

It might be letting go of your normal way of being suspicious for just once and just being yourself or maybe the way you used to be.

It might be stopping yourself from making a sarcastic comeback and just listening.

It might be choosing to smile at your partner instead of frown.

Whatever it is, do something today that you haven't done in a long while that will bring the two of you closer together.

So we'll say to you have a jealousy-free holiday and please let us know if our suggestions helped make this a happier time for you.

Our best to you today and every other day.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

We're all familiar with the bug zapper that's been around for decades--an ultraviolent light that attracts insects and then electrocutes them, emitting a sickening sound of frying bug flesh.

While bugs can be annoying, what's even more lethal in our lives are what we're calling "love zappers" (unless of course you are allergic to the sting of the insect).

If we can carry this analogy a little further...

Just like a bug flying into one of those zappers--these love zappers can certainly suck the life out of a relationship and can take you by surprise because you don't even realize what's happened until it's too late.

Here are 7 of the worst love zappers and how to beat them...

Love Zapper #1-- Being "too" critical

Being critical is a habit and a coping strategy, usually learned early on.

We're not talking about feedback that's asked for...

We're talking about constant, negative criticism that creates a dynamic where one person feels inferior and the other, superior--even though the person doing the criticizing might not look at it that way.

The "criticizer" might have the best of intentions...

But talk about a love zapper!

And then when both people start criticizing each other, it's a game that's destined to kill any relationship.

How to beat it?

Before you speak--when criticism bubbles up inside you--ask yourself if this is your business or not.

If it is your business, then look inside you and phrase your words as a request and not as an indictment against him or her.

Love Zapper #2-- "Too Busy"

Love, like a lot of other things, doesn't grow when it's being ignored and set aside.

One of the biggest love zappers we see in our Breakthrough Relationship coaching practice is that the two people have filled up their lives with everything but spending time with one another.

They think their love will always be there but just like a plant that doesn't get watered, it dies.

How to beat it?

This isn't rocket science...look at your life and determine what's really important.

Get rid of what's not serving you in the present and start actually scheduling time for each other.

Love Zapper #3--Blame

Blame is a close cousin to "being too critical" but deserves a category all to itself because it's such an instant love zapper.

Blame can come in the form of verbally blaming another person for what he or she has or hasn't done. That person
usually either gets defensive and fights back or shuts down.

Or it can come in the form of mentally blaming another which is even more deadly because he or she can't figure
out where the distance and antagonism that you're emitting is coming from and why it's there.

How to beat it?

Whenever you hear blaming words in your head--about yourself or others--stop yourself and shift your thinking.

Shift your thinking to wondering how you can resolve whatever issue that has been sparked in your mind.

Shift your thinking to how you can connect with the other person rather than push that person away.

Love Zapper #4--Not committed

Did you know you could be in a committed relationship and STILL not be committed?

It's true.

When you aren't fully committed to the relationship, the other person can feel it, even though you may not even know it yourself.

Doubt, insecurity and distance are all created--interfering with communication and connection.

How to beat it?

Be honest, first to yourself, about what you are committing to in this relationship.

Whether you're just starting out in your relationship or you've been together for many years, as you wake in the morning, make a conscious choice what you are committed to.

It can be something as simple as "I am committed to loving you today in my thoughts and my words."

Love Zapper #5--Resentment

This love zapper is especially apparent when a couple is trying to repair trust that's been broken.

If trust has been broken, it's certainly wise for the person who's been hurt to gradually learn to trust again and only after seeing signs that changes have been made for the better.

But so often, even though changes have been made, the person who was hurt can't let go of resentment.

Now we're not saying this is in any way easy or that trust should be given automatically after it's been broken.

Quite the contrary...

But if specific changes are being made and the desire to make the relationship work is there, holding onto resentment is certainly a love zapper.

How to beat it?

If you are the person who was wronged, create specific ways your partner can regain your trust--and then acknowledge when that happens.

Love Zapper #6--Assumptions

A big love zapper is doing something for someone--making an assumption that it's what the other person wants
--and then expecting certain actions from him or her in return.

It's the unspoken bargain that can zap the life right out of a relationship.

How to beat it?

Be up front about your bargains. If you find yourself assuming that your partner would like you to do something and then you resent it when you don't get that in return or at least some recognition---

Stop yourself and clarify with your partner what the bargain is. He or she may not even want you to do what you are assuming he or she wants.

Get clear and then there won't be resentments and blame that get in the way of creating and growing your love.

Love Zapper #7--Talking on Eggshells

Talking on eggshells is what we call not being able to say what's true for you and make yourself understood in your relationship.

When you're not able to be "you," you're not able to allow yourself to open to giving and receiving love.

How to beat it?

As soon as you start to censor yourself or you feel yourself being triggered by what your partner says or does, stop, breathe and make a shift inside you.

That shift can be something as simple as remembering that you love the other person and that you want to connect with him or her.

We invite you to look at your "Love Zappers"--(whatever they are) and do whatever it takes to shift them so they're no longer standing between you and the love and relationship you really want.

We may have described your "love zappers" that ring true for you in your relationship and life OR they may be different from these.

Whatever they are start making changes so you can stop doing them.

Even if you don't have a partner, or one who cares about any of this and doesn't want to participate with you, if you stop doing even one of your love zappers, you will see a difference in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)