Love and Relationship Advice Blog

"Will every man I'm with treat me like crap?"
"Will all women lie to me and cheat?"
"Am I just a loser magnet when it comes torelationships?"

Questions like these might be running through your mind if you are trying to recover after a break up or
divorce. In addition to the emotional pain of having someone that you used to love-- and maybe continue to love--
despairing and worrisome questions such as these may also bring you down.

It's understandable that you might feel like a victim after the break up. Especially if your ex lied to you, cheated or was possibly abusive, the belief that you are helpless may form in your mind.

Perhaps the events that led to your break up are just too similar to what has happened to you in past relationships.

Maybe your most recent ex's behavior has only reinforced to you that you just can't trust other men, other women and possibly even yourself and your own judgment when it comes to a partner.

We get that you might be feeling like a victim. After all, this break up may not have been your idea. If it was up to you, the relationship or marriage would still be intact.

The decision to break up might not have been up to you.

It could have been your partner (now ex) who announced that he or she doesn't love you anymore, is moving out or never wants to see you again. Or, it may have been your partner (now ex) who made the decision to have an affair or tell you horrendous and hurtful lies that then made you feel like you had no choice but to end the relationship.

While it is totally understandable if you feel like a victim, we encourage you to lovingly and gently move yourself out of this mode.

When you are in "victim mode," it's nearly impossible to feel empowered to make choices that will help you feel better.

When you are in "victim mode," you tend to remain stuck in the past and the pain-- and you usually don't treat yourself very well either.

When you are in "victim mode," it's really difficult to heal and start to put the pieces of your life back together again.

Here are tips to help you move out of "victim mode" so you can heal your broken heart...

Separate your emotions from your thoughts.

You might hear yourself saying out loud or thinking thoughts that only reinforce your current view of yourself as a victim.

It would be inaccurate and probably unhelpful for you to pretend that what happened to lead to the break up simply didn't happen.

At the same time, it is just as unhelpful to stick the label "victim" on yourself. We are NOT in any way diminishing the very real pain and experiences that you may have had. Some of these experiences were possibly even traumatic*.

But, what we encourage you to do is to separate out your emotions from any thoughts that are keeping you stuck in "victim mode."

Get beneath the surface of thoughts like, "How could he have treated me so badly? Are all men/women like this? Can I ever trust anyone again?"

You could spend days and months and years asking yourself questions like these and never really get to satisfying answers.

Instead, direct your attention to uncovering the emotions that are there with the thoughts. When you acknowledge that you are feeling sad or angry-- or whatever you are feeling-- and you let yourself feel those emotions, then you are on your way to getting unstuck.

You will be better able to release the pain and the past.

Try on a new label for yourself.

As you get more directly in touch with the feelings you are having, start to think of some different ways to label yourself.

Words have power and you can deliberately use that power to make a shift away from feeling so miserable about your break up or divorce.

For instance, rather than telling others that, "I was dumped" or "My ex deceived me and broke my heart," re-phrase it.

You can offer the same information without cementing yourself into that role of the victim.

You might tell an acquaintance that, "My relationship ended" or "My ex had an affair and I left the marriage." These describe what happened without making you the helpless person who was victimized.

What we encourage you to do is to continually make shifts that are genuine and real...but that help you move from thinking of yourself as a victim and, instead, seeing yourself as a survivor and (when you feel even better) a thriver.

When you stop labeling yourself as a victim, does this mean that you'll lose out on all of the sympathy and comfort that you might be needing right now?

Not at all.

In fact, you can free yourself up to make honest requests of your friends and family for the kind of support that you want when you make this kind of a shift.

There is a certain clarity and knowing that comes with allowing your emotions to move through you and release. There is also a sense of deserving love and support when you stop feeling like a victim.

This will help you not only to feel better and better, but it will also gradually open you up to creating the kind of future for yourself that you want.
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*Seeking the help of a professional counselor, relationship coach or therapist might be advisable if you have experienced abuse or trauma in your ended relationship or the past.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Unwarranted jealousy is one of the most difficult things to deal with because even though you KNOW that your partner isn't doing anything wrong, you still get those awful, sick feelings inside and you end up making a fool of yourself--and your partner very angry and exasperated.

You try to "let go" of your suspicions, but they keep coming back over and over--and you don't seem to have any control over yourself.

If you relate, here's a question from a reader that you probably have also...

***QUESTION FROM A READER

"How do I 'let go' and ultimately just decide to trust and overcome feelings of jealousy when there is no reason to doubt or fear?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Okay--we know that "letting go" of your jealousy even if there's absolutely no reason for it can be one of the most difficult things you do.

You're jealous.

It's painful. It's embarrassing and keeping you from having the love and relationship you really want.

If you're like our reader, you're jealous and you KNOW that you need to trust--that there's really nothing preventing it--but something holds you back from trusting and you don't know how to take a step toward it.

So, what is it that keeps you from being able to trust?

Here's our take on it...

You can't "let go" of anything (thoughts, ideas, behaviors) until you make a shift in your beliefs and your rules for living.

If you're jealous and there's no tangible reason for the jealousy, you've got some underlying belief that gets reinforced by your thoughts--that get translated into a "rule" for living that you may not even be aware of that is keeping you from being able to trust.

Take Carol for instance...

She is fearful that her second marriage will end because of her jealousy. Her previous husband cheated on her and although she seems to have "gotten over" that relationship, she lives in constant fear that her new husband of 3 years will do the same.

Although her new husband is in no way like her previous husband and she knows he's not doing anything wrong, Carol finds that when they are apart and both are at work, she's jealous and worries about what he's doing and who he is with.

Her jealousy is driving both of them crazy and her husband doesn't know how much longer he will put up with it even though he loves her very much.

So let's break it down...

One way that we learn is from experience and Carol experienced a cheating husband.

After that experience, she unconsciously created the belief that husbands cheat even though she's with a man who doesn't.

Even though her new husband isn't anything like her previous one, there is something that triggers this belief that husbands cheat...

--It might be something as simple as him talking in a friendly way with another woman.

--It might be periods of time that he's unavailable to talk with her.

It might even be a belief she picked up from something a character on one of her favorite TV programs said (that she believes) that's causing her to not trust her husband.

Whatever it is, it can look completely normal and harmless to someone who doesn't struggle with jealousy but to a jealous person--all fears and mistrust get triggered.

And one of Carol's unconscious "rules" for living is that she has to stay vigilant because if she doesn't, it just may happen again.

So someone telling her (or even telling herself) to "let go" of her jealousy is like someone telling you to go ahead and jump out of a plane, even though you know you don't have a parachute on your back.

In both cases, you can picture the consequences--and they aren't good!

So if letting go isn't the answer, what is?

We offer many breakthrough strategies for stopping jealousy and rebuilding trust in our "No More Jealousy" program and our Relationship Trust Turnaround program.

To get you started, here are 3 ways to stop unwarranted jealousy and begin to start trusting right now...

1. Identify the belief and your rule for living that is keeping your jealousy going.

The best way to do that is to take some time by yourself and write out one particular jealousy episode in detail.

What thoughts rolled through your head?

What were your exact fears?

What story did you tell yourself about what your partner said or did?

Don't skip anything.

Slow the action way down and write it all from start to finish.

Read what you've written as an investigator--with no judgment that you or what happened was stupid or wrong.

You're only reading to investigate your thought process and your beliefs.

We're guessing that after doing this exercise, you'll have a good idea of the belief that underlies your jealousy--as well as your rules for living that's holding you back.

If you're having problems with this, you may want us to help you.

We offer Breakthrough Relationship Coaching and we invite you to find out more.

2. Identify the belief and rule you would like to believe and live instead.

The truth is that we make our own rules even though we aren't aware that we can or do.

And if you're jealous, you are making the rule that jealousy is part of your life.

Believing that it is possible to make up another rule for yourself is the first step toward doing it.

Simply saying, "Yes, I can believe something different" is a start.

Then looking at what you would like to believe in your life is next.

You can't "let go" of something without there being something else put in its place.

So what do you want to put in place of your jealous belief and rule for living?

To start making this turn, go for something that is believable to you.

Something like this...

"I believe that this relationship might be different. My new rule for living is that I'm going to be okay no matter what and I can begin to relax."

3. Practice your new thoughts, beliefs and remind yourself of your new rules--again and again.

These thoughts, beliefs and rules that hold you in your jealousy did not happen overnight.

They happened by practicing them over and over.

The same is true of your new ones.

To make the changes you want to make--make them one thought at a time.

This isn't rocket science but it does take persistence and the willingness to really look at your thoughts that are keeping these beliefs going in your head (and questioning them).

It also takes a strong desire to have all the love and connection that you want--and believe that you can have it!

Remember, you can change but you have to start doing the things that will set the stage for the changes to happen.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Believe it or not, there are many things you can do right now to instantly transform your relationship. We've written quite a bit over the years about what some of these things are and here are two very important ones...

1. Say “Yes” to You

Now, this may sound completely selfish but actually to us saying “yes” to you is critical to the success of any relationship.

Here’s what it’s not—“It’s about time I get what I want.” “It’s time I get my needs met and I don’t care what happens to you.”

Here’s what we think it is—asking “How can I open to creating my life the way I want and still maintain love, compassion in my relationships with co-workers, my partner, my boss, my family?”

It means taking a risk with the intention of creating something good or great.

Here’s what Susie learned about saying “yes”-“During the last years of my 30-year previous marriage, I didn’t tell my husband how I was feeling about our marriage. I was afraid he’d leave because deep inside, I knew he felt the same way. The life had completely gone out of our relationship and we didn’t know how to get it back. I kept quiet about my fears and feelings, thinking they would go away but they didn’t. After my divorce and when I started being with Otto, he was honest enough to tell me that he was dating another woman at the time. I said “yes” to me when I told him that I appreciated his honesty and I wanted him to choose between us before we went any further with our relationship. This was a huge shift for me and a big breakthrough because I wasn’t afraid to say those words. I knew I didn’t want the same kind of relationship that I’d had before and that I had to make a shift and say what was important to me for it to happen. I didn’t want to settle for anything less. In that moment, I was making a commitment to myself—not doing it the way I always had by running away from an uncomfortable situation and not speaking my truth.”

Saying “yes” to you reveals a commitment. If you don’t commit to saying “yes” to you, you are saying “yes” to being a victim, martyr, not your best, and not as loving as you could be.

It may require you to do difficult things and may force you to do or say things that in the moment are tough. While this may be difficult, it also opens the gate to closer, more connected relationships.

Saying “yes” to you may mean connecting enough pain to certain circumstances and telling yourself—“That’s it. I’ve had enough.”

We all have known people who smoke who have reached the point, whether because of current illnesses or potential health concerns for themselves or others, of throwing their cigarettes away and never smoking again. This is a great example of saying “yes” to you.

One of our coaching clients realized that he had gone through life with the attitude that he didn’t need any help from anyone. This attitude had helped to create a string of relationships that hadn’t worked out. Saying “yes” to him meant asking for help and being open to allowing another person to give him that help.

Saying "yes" to you can mean something entirely different and what we invite you to do is to discover what that might be.

2. Become Emotionally Transparent and Authentic in a Way that Shifts Your Relationship

What’s emotional transparency? To us, very simply, it means what’s on the outside is what’s on the inside.

We love the Bruce Springsteen song “If I should fall behind.” One of the lines in the song is “Make your steps clear so the other can see.” We think this is great relationship advice and often so hard to do because of old experiences and old “tapes” that run in your head. You do this by clearly letting the other person know what’s happening inside you.

One of Susie’s old high school friends was married to a man who changed jobs frequently. They moved from city to city and each time, she had to change jobs too. She really didn’t let him know how resentful she was and then one day, she just told him that she wanted a divorce. She had kept how she was feeling to herself until she just had had enough.

We all probably recognize that this woman could have handled this situation in a different and better way. But the truth is that we all do this to one degree or another at various times in our lives. What gets in our way of expressing and living from what is true for us is that there are emotions that we consider to be unacceptable to express.

And this is the place to start.

Start recognizing emotions as they come up inside you and then feel into yourself if it's for the highest good of your relationship that you share what you're feeling.

Sometimes it isn't.

One of our coaching clients showed her journal where she had written her rants about her husband to him after a brief separation. Since their relationship was on very shaky ground, it would have been more important for her to stay in what's happening in the present than allow him to read her thoughts that may or may not be true right now.

In this case, she needed to deal with his behaviors that were unacceptable to her but showing her journal was not helpful in any way to bring them closer. In fact, it created a separation that they haven't recovered from.

So yes, be transparent but also use judgment in doing so and don't spill your guts just to be doing it.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)