3 Sneaky, Hidden Relationship Traps You Don't Want to Fall Into...
If there's one thing that can create havoc in your relationships, it's falling into hidden relationship traps.
And if you stay in those traps for long periods of time or just keep falling in them and you can't figure out why or how, your relationship can end up feeling empty and could even end.
The couples who don't fall into them have happier relationships than those who do.
These traps are sneaky and hidden because we don't see them coming before we fall right into them.
And then while we're in these traps, we often can't even see that we're in them, let alone find a way to get out.
Usually something happens to bring us out--but sometimes not. Sometimes the issues never get resolved. We just get busy with something else and the issue is buried, only to come back up at a later time.
Now, of course, we all fall into these traps every now and then because we're human (and they can be different for everyone).
But the happiest couples don't stay there when they do and they figure out ways to not fall in them very often.
For them, quickly getting out of these traps becomes a habit---or avoiding them altogether.
So what are these traps?
Here are 3 common sneaky, hidden relationship traps that we've certainly fallen into and we're guessing you or your partner have too...
1. The "Defending" Trap
Defending comes so natural and easy to so many of us when we think...
*we haven't been treated fairly
*we haven't been understood
*we're afraid we won't get our way
*we're not appreciated
*someone thinks differently than we think
*we think we're right and the other person is wrong
Defense rises inside us so quickly we don't even have time to recognize it before we've said or done something that pushes the other person further away.
That's why we call it sneaky and hidden.
Our defending seems to come from someplace deep inside and we don't in any way feel in control of it.
If defending is a pattern for you and you want to stop it (or at least slow it down), start recognizing what you do when you get hooked and then breathe.
It might mean that your stomach, jaw or neck tightens, you feel yourself want to fight or the opposite--run away, and you may stop breathing.
Taking a breath will allow some space for conscious action instead of unconscious action from habit.
2. The "Blame" Trap
How easy it is to blame the other person for something you see as a problem!
And if we don't blame the other person, we blame ourselves--and continue to blame ourselves.
The Blame Trap is sneaky because, again, we can fall into it easily, automatically and without conscious thought.
We easily fall into it because it's usually such an old pattern inside us that we don't even know we've fallen into it even after we have.
An example of the Blame Trap is when you find yourself saying "you never..." or "you always..."
Instead of "you never" or "you always," you might use a phrase like "I'm wondering if you'd be willing to talk about_____?"--even after you've caught yourself in the blame trap.
3. The "Taking Your Partner for Granted" Trap
This trap is an easy one to fall into after you've been together for awhile.
It's sneaky and hidden because many of us slide right into it without thinking.
It's easy to say things to your partner that you would never say to anyone else because the other person would be "hurt" and maybe take it wrong--and your partner supposedly wouldn't.
Yeah, right!
Somehow, there's a rationalization that after you've committed to one another, you can speak to each other any way you want or ignore what your partner does that's "right" in favor of pointing out what's wrong.
When you fall into this trap--and it becomes a habit--your connection, love and respect for one another starts to erode.
If you've seen yourself fall into this trap, make a conscious effort to turn it around and act in ways that build your relationship instead of tearing it down.
The point is to see where and how you fall into any of these traps, as well as when the situation shows up.
Then take a deep breath to stop you from automatically reacting in old ways.
Give yourself the space to make another, more empowering choice.
You can learn to avoid these hidden relationship traps.
If you want more love in your life and relationships, this week, we invite you to experiment with some of these ideas.
Comments
The best lesson I've learned in my first six months of marriage is to show gratitude for EVERYTHING.
I used to behave as if some actions were just taken for granted (like me taking out the garbage or her making the bed) - that it didn't really require a 'thank you'.
After trying to make sure I show gratitude for even the smallest things, we've been having far fewer fights and the relationship is overall much healthier.
Posted by: Evan | October 16, 2010 09:28 AM
Great post, really enjoyed reading it and found it to be totally on the spot. All three of these traps are fatal in the long run- we MUST learn to not fall into them if we want to have a healthy, happy relationship.
Personally I have trouble with the 'defending' trap, I somehow find myself taking things too personally and getting into defensive mode when feeling attacked in a real or imagined way. I'm still navigating the trying to 'shift' into a different mode. Practice makes perfect!
Thanks for the useful insights!
claudia
Posted by: Claudia | November 2, 2010 06:36 PM
#2 gets on my nerves the most. Most of the time the blame will be placed on the person who isn't at fault in the first place. Some people are just in denial and can't admit when they are wrong or you get blamed with the other person is frustrated about something in their own life. For me, don't blame me for something I didn't do or try to blame me for something without a valid reason (pointing out what I did wrong).
Posted by: Jasmin | December 2, 2010 05:37 PM