One Idea That Can Stop Fights...
This has totally shocked us!
As you may know, we've been coaching men and women and writing about how to have and keep connected, loving, passionate relationships for many years now.
We'll admit that until this most recent survey of Otto's Light Her Up men subscribers, we had some preconceived ideas that have been blown right out of the water!
As the results of the survey are coming in, one thing is becoming clear...
In relationships and in life, the smallest things can make the biggest difference.
With all the talk in the world (from both supposed experts and men and women alike) about how different men and woman are and how differently we navigate through life and the world...
We're finding that even though at some levels men and women are very different... at many other levels men and women want the same things.
What we're finding in our research of real men and women is at their core, men want the same things that we heard women say they wanted.
Pretty much a "Duh" moment for us, but here's what it can mean for your relationship...
The lesson here is whether you're a man or a woman, you can both get what you want if you let go of some of your defenses and hurts from the past and take a step toward one another.
In other words, quit fighting one another!
Now of course we know that what we're suggesting isn't easy or you'd already be doing it.
It's easy and natural for all of us to think that holding onto past hurts is a way to protect ourselves from it happening again.
For both men and women, putting up defenses and holding onto the past seems to be the "default" position when we're hurt.
But the problem is that if you shut yourself down and hold onto past hurts, even if it's been many years since it
happened or you are no longer with that person, all that happens is that you keep yourself from fully experiencing
love and connection with a partner--any partner.
Okay so back to the survey results that totally blew us away...
In previous surveys of women, they told us that they wanted more attention and affection throughout the day before they could open to physical intimacy. They wanted to be SHOWN they were important to their men before they had sex..
Otto's been preaching this in his Light Her Up newsletter for men to help them realize how important this is to their women.
When Otto asked the men what their woman would have to do or say to let them know that she was happy with him and their relationship, they answered in much the same way that women did when asked a similar question.
The #1 response from men so far is that they say they want to be hugged and cuddled without them having to ask.
Sound familiar? It should because that's what women said they wanted!
Most women think that all men have on their minds is S*E*X and while it is important, for many men it's not nearly as important as non-sexual ways of expressing love and feeling important to his partner.
Now we're not throwing stones at women for withholding hugs and smiles (smiling came in #2 in the survey so far)...
But what we are saying is that what we've got here is a "chicken and egg" problem.
In the survey of men, one man said he wants the same things from his woman that Otto's been telling the men to do to light up their women!
If that isn't a "chicken and egg" situation we don't know what is.
This isn't rocket science but it does require that you drop some of your defenses and start opening to one another.
So, whether you're a man or a woman, here are a few ways you can begin to do this...
1. Communicate with one another
Several men in Otto's survey said they wanted their women to tell them when they were unhappy and talk about it together.
Now we know that many women talk to their men until they're blue in the face and nothing happens. So we can't blame them for being discouraged and for giving up. But there are some things you can do to change all that...
Whether you're a man or woman, if you need help communicating what's truly in your heart so that you can make your relationship better, we want you to get one or both of our popular courses on how to talk with one another.
2. Treat one another better than you do friends or even strangers
If there's one thing we've noticed and it's been borne out in our various surveys--both men and women want to feel important to one another.
That means making eye contact, stopping what you're doing to talk and listen to your partner--no matter how busy you think you are (if you're really too busy, tell him or her when you can listen) and acknowledging each other when you've been away.
We've seen people treat their friends and even strangers better than they treat their partners.
Don't let that be the way you are in your relationship. If something's preventing you from being kind to your partner, get it out and talk about it. Don't let it fester and come between the two of you.
3. Remember the ways you physically interacted when you were first together and start doing more of it.
We use the term "flirt" with each other but you can use any term you like to describe the ways you used to touch each other and no longer may do as much or at all.
It doesn't matter which one of you starts to come toward the other. Take a chance and try one way of coming closer to your partner and if it's not too late, you'll see some really terrific results.
Whether you're a man or woman, don't let your pride stand in the way of you having the kind of relationship and love that you want.
We invite you to take a step toward it today.
Comments
That's just who men are and we can't blame them because us women also have our own way in looking at relationships.
Men don't usually get the message if you relay them as maze-like or something that needs to be analyzed. Men just want the real deal. Straight to the point. If they can't see that, then they'll feel neglected.
Posted by: Charaze | September 28, 2010 02:38 AM
this is very wise advice - thank you for posting!
Posted by: TGWTBD | October 3, 2010 02:33 PM
It's a way of preserving relationships. Thanks for sharing those tips ...
Posted by: Lenzy | October 5, 2010 02:50 AM
#2 is great advice. I've had a few conversations with my wife where she said I treated her differently than my friends (in a bad way). To me I was just being more honest than with her than I needed to be with them, but it came out as being harsh and aggressive. I've been working hard to always make sure I'm speaking respectfully to her, even if we're disagreeing on something.
Posted by: Evan | October 6, 2010 06:49 PM
I agree with your subscribers partner. I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years now. My boyfriend is obsessed with saying "I love you" several times a day. It has become annoying.
When I get up in the morning, he says it. When I come into the bedroom to get dressed he says it. When he gets up to go to the bathroom, he feels it necessary to say it before he lays back down. He gets up to use the bathroom at least three times a day(he works the night shift). So, by noon, he has said "I love you" at least 5 times already.
He usually leaves the house and comes back about three times in the afternoon to early evening before work and he says "I love you" before he leaves. He says it again when he leaves for work and when he comes home. So, you see, he says "I love you" about 10 times a day.
I feel that he is smothering me and trying to force me to say it. It's not that I don't say it ever. I tell him that I love him when I feel like saying. Sometimes I say it just because he does. I don't like feeling that I have to say it. After four years of that, it becomes ALMOST meaningless. I have discussed this with him and he has lightened up a bit. We are so different and I understand that he needs to say it and hear it. However, I just can't bring myself to say it redundantly.
Posted by: ERICA | October 19, 2010 05:58 PM