"Will I always be alone?" and other fears that stand in your way of healing from a breakup or divorce
After a breakup or divorce, there may be countless troubling thoughts that cross your mind. These may pertain to what you perceive happened and they may also involve your worries about your present situation and the future ahead.
"Will I always be alone?"
"Am I doomed to attract men (or women) who cheat?"
"How will I manage on my own?"
"Can I take care of my kids all by myself?"
"Will I be able to pay the bills with just my paycheck?"
"Will anyone ever want to date me given my age/position in life/looks,etc.?"
It's likely that many of these thoughts, as well as others that may be coming up for you, are upsetting or fearful ones. It is understandable that, with all of the uncertainty that may be happening for you, you are feeling anxious and apprehensive.
The fact of the matter is, as natural as it is to feel the way that you are feeling and to think the thoughts that you are thinking, fear, worry and anxiety are not going to help you heal.
As might already know, fear mostly keeps you stuck right where you are. Anxiety freezes you in place and makes it nearly impossible to move forward with your life. In addition to this, when you stay in a place of fear and worry for an extended period of time, you can literally become sick!
Continued and prolonged anxiety and fear-- and the stress that results-- can negatively affect your sleeping and eating habits as well as your overall immune, digestive and even cardiovascular systems.
What you probably want most of all is to feel better. You may desperately wish to be rid of your fears and worries and to finally feel more like yourself again.
Here are some tips to help...
#1: Know your fears.
As much as you'd like to pretend that you aren't feeling the way that you're feeling or that those troubling thoughts aren't rambling through your mind, you can't just stuff them down or ignore them.
Just as you can't ignore a boiling kettle of water, your feelings will continue to intensify even if you attempt to distract yourself or even numb yourself with food, alcohol, drugs or other things.
What can move you closer to being freed from your fears is to truly know them and face them.
This doesn't mean that you have to center your whole life around your worry that you'll forever be alone and unloved, for example. What it does mean is that you recognize it when you feel afraid, worried, angry, sad, or whatever it is that you are feeling.
Create space so that you can let those emotions move through you. If you need to talk with a trusted friend, coach or counselor, then do that. If you want to write in your journal, sit and cry or find a private place to yell and scream, do that.
Find ways to release your emotions that do not hurt you or another person.
#2: Question your thoughts.
The trick with facing your feelings is not to get stuck where you are.
You can easily become fixated on a conversation you had with your ex, an old letter you received from him or her long ago or a series of events that happened in the past. Get into the habit of questioning your thoughts so that you can keep releasing and healing.
Even as you let out your feelings in whatever way you are drawn to do so, be aware of the thoughts that you are thinking.
If, for example, you find yourself thinking something like, "All the people I date eventually cheat on me," stop right there.
This might have been the case for some of your relationships in the past, but was it actually the case for all of them? If it was the case that ALL of your past partners cheated on you, do you know with 100% certainty that your future partners will have affairs?
Don't let yourself continue to think thoughts that may not really be accurate or true.
What you'll probably find is that the more you question your thoughts, the more you are left with just your raw emotions. This is okay... actually it's a good sign.
From there, you can return to letting out your feelings and soothing yourself along the way.
#3: Bring your focus back to what you DO want.
The thing that people who feel broken-hearted often forget is that they get to choose what they focus upon in any one moment. None of us are at the mercy of our thoughts and emotions-- as long as we remember and act upon that knowledge.
Now, this can seem challenging because you probably do not want to focus on how sad or distraught you feel
that your relationship has ended and your partner is no longer in your life the way that he or she used to be.
Your inclination might be to push aside those feelings and try to distract yourself, and, as we said above, this is not advisable.
Take the time to let those feelings flow. Take the time to question your thoughts AND, take the time to shift your focus.
There are spaces in between the tears and the anger and that is the place where you can bring your focus back to what you DO want for yourself.
This might mean that you daydream about the kind of relationship you want to have in the future. It may involve you exploring new interests, sports, hobbies or activities. It could be that you re-connect with old friends and family too.
Give yourself permission to discover a new life for yourself-- one that may include some sadness, but one that also involves you pointing in the direction of the happier, more satisfied life that you want.
