Love and Relationship Advice Blog

As much as Tiger Woods probably doesn't want to be in the news again about his failed marriage to his wife Elin, it was inevitable. Since their divorce became final recently, Elin told her story in People magazine.

Something she said in the article struck a common chord that we've heard from many people after their relationship breakups...

When asked about what she felt when she first learned of Tiger's betrayal, here's what she said...

"I felt stupid as more things were revealed--how could I not have known anything?...I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived."

Maybe you weren't cheated on but you just didn't see who this person was when you got together--or maybe he or she changed as time went along.

The other day, a young woman told us that after her breakup and after her ex did something very despicable to her in retaliation, she felt ashamed that she didn't see the kind of person he was and leave him earlier--or better yet, not get in a relationship with him at all.

If you've had similar feelings of shame after a breakup--that you didn't see it coming and now you feel like you can't trust yourself and your judgment--here are 3 ways to help you look at your situation differently...

1. Don't look at your relationship that broke up as a failure

We know that sounds a bit like "woo woo" thinking but here's the thing...You can choose to look at your relationship as a miserable failure and feel sorry for yourself, thinking you're no good at relationships...

Or you can put it all in perspective, stand back and see what you learned.

In Elin and Tiger's case, Elin herself said that she was completely focused on her children during this time. In saying that, it's certainly not an excuse for what he did during the marriage nor is it to say that a mother shouldn't be focused on her children. But it's also not surprising that she didn't see what he was doing.

If you've been in a similar situation and now look back on it, you may have learned to pay attention to little clues of the possibility of cheating, even though there were no big huge flashing lights to indicate it.

2. Look at how you are stronger than you thought you were

Most people who have gone through a breakup or divorce, including Elin, have discovered they are stronger than they thought they were. If you've suffered a breakup, you've probably felt emotionally lows and possibly loneliness that you never thought you'd possibly be able to endure. But you did. Give yourself credit for coming through it--even if you don't think you have GONE through it. Say to yourself, "I'm here in this present moment" and keep saying it when you start sliding back to how you felt when it first happened.

Acknowledge that you can take one step and then another toward a better life--and that that's exactly what you've done.

3. Start trusting yourself on the little things.

If you don't trust yourself after a break-up, start noticing ways you ARE trusting yourself--in small ways. Even though you may not trust yourself to choose a new and better partner, begin practicing by noticing when you have made a decision that turned out to be good for you and your family. Maybe it's something as simple as remembering to pay a bill on time, or maybe it's a decision about your kids' education--whatever it is, start noticing when you do it right.

Also notice any red flags you get when something doesn't feel right--when you want to say "no" to something and you actually do it. Practice finding out where that "no" is coming from inside your body, the reasons you're saying "no" and then appreciating yourself for listening. Again, it might be something very simple--and it doesn't matter. Just start learning how to trust yourself again.

Going through a breakup is never easy and when shame comes up for you, it can be even harder. Don't get stuck in the shame. Find ways to start loving again--yourself included.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If there's one common question we hear from people who have ended their relationships (or their partners ended them), it's this...

"Is there anything I could have done differently to save my relationship?"

We've discovered that it's not what you do at the last minute when your relationship's in big trouble that makes a difference...

It's what you both do along the way to keep creating the relationship that you want that keeps it alive and healthy.

With that in mind, we've noticed some disturbing trends in relationships that can and do lead to their end.

Here are 4 trends that must be stopped if you want to keep your relationship growing deeper and more connected...

Trend #1 That MUST Be Stopped:

1. Texting while having dinner or in a conversation with someone you love.

While we love technology, we also know about being present, truly present, when you're with someone you love. And texting or scrolling through your IPhone while your loved one is talking is not being present.

In fact, this shows your loved one that the other person or topic is more important to you than he or she is.

You might argue the point, but the fact is you are sending the message, sometimes over and over, with your actions. And actions speak louder than words.

Trend # 2. Flirting with people other than your partner.

Whether it's on Facebook with someone you graduated with or a co-worker, what you might call innocent flirting can get out of hand pretty quickly.

You can end up confiding in this other person more than you do your partner. You can end up spending a lot more of your thoughts on the other person than you do on your partner.

This is certainly a recipe for relationship disaster.

If you find that you're nurturing a relationship outside your main relationship to a greater depth than you are with your partner, stop and get conscious of what you're doing. Take responsibility for where your flirting could be heading.

Trend # 3. One or both people "talk on eggshells."

When one person is afraid to be truthful and holds back part of himself or herself, there's no chance intimacy and connection can grow.

You might think that holding back so you don't hurt the other person's feelings or not "rock the boat" is keeping the peace.

The problem is that these feelings don't go away and they eventually come out in ways that are not very pleasant.

Trend # 4....

Bitching and complaining about your partner with friends, family or co-workers.

While it can feel really good to get something your partner did off your chest while you're talking with a sympathetic friend, it can do damage to your relationship if that's ALL you do about it.

Bitching and moaning keeps you in the victim mode and doesn't help your situation.

We're not saying that sometimes you can get good insights when you talk with a friend, but be sure that that is your intention instead of wanting validation that you're right.

And be sure that you address the problem with your partner so the two of you can understand one another.

Trend # 5. Not spending enough time together.

If there's one thing we preach it's that in order for your relationship to stay alive and filled with passion, you have to spend time together.

You can't keep putting everything else in your life before your relationship and expect that it will survive, let alone thrive.

Get your priorities straight and live accordingly even if you think it's impossible right now.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

After a breakup or divorce, there may be countless troubling thoughts that cross your mind. These may pertain to what you perceive happened and they may also involve your worries about your present situation and the future ahead.

"Will I always be alone?"
"Am I doomed to attract men (or women) who cheat?"
"How will I manage on my own?"
"Can I take care of my kids all by myself?"
"Will I be able to pay the bills with just my paycheck?"
"Will anyone ever want to date me given my age/position in life/looks,etc.?"

It's likely that many of these thoughts, as well as others that may be coming up for you, are upsetting or fearful ones. It is understandable that, with all of the uncertainty that may be happening for you, you are feeling anxious and apprehensive.

The fact of the matter is, as natural as it is to feel the way that you are feeling and to think the thoughts that you are thinking, fear, worry and anxiety are not going to help you heal.

As might already know, fear mostly keeps you stuck right where you are. Anxiety freezes you in place and makes it nearly impossible to move forward with your life. In addition to this, when you stay in a place of fear and worry for an extended period of time, you can literally become sick!

Continued and prolonged anxiety and fear-- and the stress that results-- can negatively affect your sleeping and eating habits as well as your overall immune, digestive and even cardiovascular systems.

What you probably want most of all is to feel better. You may desperately wish to be rid of your fears and worries and to finally feel more like yourself again.

Here are some tips to help...

#1: Know your fears.

As much as you'd like to pretend that you aren't feeling the way that you're feeling or that those troubling thoughts aren't rambling through your mind, you can't just stuff them down or ignore them.

Just as you can't ignore a boiling kettle of water, your feelings will continue to intensify even if you attempt to distract yourself or even numb yourself with food, alcohol, drugs or other things.

What can move you closer to being freed from your fears is to truly know them and face them.

This doesn't mean that you have to center your whole life around your worry that you'll forever be alone and unloved, for example. What it does mean is that you recognize it when you feel afraid, worried, angry, sad, or whatever it is that you are feeling.

Create space so that you can let those emotions move through you. If you need to talk with a trusted friend, coach or counselor, then do that. If you want to write in your journal, sit and cry or find a private place to yell and scream, do that.

Find ways to release your emotions that do not hurt you or another person.

#2: Question your thoughts.

The trick with facing your feelings is not to get stuck where you are.

You can easily become fixated on a conversation you had with your ex, an old letter you received from him or her long ago or a series of events that happened in the past. Get into the habit of questioning your thoughts so that you can keep releasing and healing.

Even as you let out your feelings in whatever way you are drawn to do so, be aware of the thoughts that you are thinking.

If, for example, you find yourself thinking something like, "All the people I date eventually cheat on me," stop right there.

This might have been the case for some of your relationships in the past, but was it actually the case for all of them? If it was the case that ALL of your past partners cheated on you, do you know with 100% certainty that your future partners will have affairs?

Don't let yourself continue to think thoughts that may not really be accurate or true.

What you'll probably find is that the more you question your thoughts, the more you are left with just your raw emotions. This is okay... actually it's a good sign.

From there, you can return to letting out your feelings and soothing yourself along the way.

#3: Bring your focus back to what you DO want.

The thing that people who feel broken-hearted often forget is that they get to choose what they focus upon in any one moment. None of us are at the mercy of our thoughts and emotions-- as long as we remember and act upon that knowledge.

Now, this can seem challenging because you probably do not want to focus on how sad or distraught you feel
that your relationship has ended and your partner is no longer in your life the way that he or she used to be.

Your inclination might be to push aside those feelings and try to distract yourself, and, as we said above, this is not advisable.

Take the time to let those feelings flow. Take the time to question your thoughts AND, take the time to shift your focus.

There are spaces in between the tears and the anger and that is the place where you can bring your focus back to what you DO want for yourself.

This might mean that you daydream about the kind of relationship you want to have in the future. It may involve you exploring new interests, sports, hobbies or activities. It could be that you re-connect with old friends and family too.

Give yourself permission to discover a new life for yourself-- one that may include some sadness, but one that also involves you pointing in the direction of the happier, more satisfied life that you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The other day, a friend of ours asked us if people were still getting married because divorce rates are so high--(One source cites 50% for first marriages, 67% for second, and 74% for third ones).

Although we don't do research in that area, of the people who contact us, they are very much interested in a committed, intimate relationship if not marriage.

So are people getting scared away from making relationship commitments because of statistics and what they see happening to others around them?

We don't think so.

While we urge people to be open to making and keeping this kind of commitment, we also know that without the follow-through actions of doing what it takes to create the relationship you want--

A commitment alone is pretty hollow.

A lot can happen in a relationship, especially one that lasts many years, so we've identified 10 "worst case relationship scenarios" and some pointers on how to deal with them.

You (or someone you love) might be experiencing one or more of these right now and if so, we invite you to take conscious, positive steps toward what you want.

Here are the 10 scenarios (in no particular order)...

1. There's been a drastic life change for one or both of you--the severe illness or death of a child, chronic, serious health problems, financial issues like bankruptcy, loss of a job, loss of a parent or becoming a caretaker for a parent.

We all know that drastic life changes can play havoc with relationships. If you've had a life change like we've described, the main thing you can do is make self-care as important as the other priorities in your life.

If you need the support from a professional, be sure to get it. Don't go through your life pretending you aren't being affected by the change. Take action to get the help you need.

2. You used to have a great relationship and now your partner won't talk to you and you feel distant from one another.

It is true that relationships ebb and flow and in order to keep your relationship strong, you need to change and flow with it.

But you have to keep communicating to do that.

If either you or your partner has "clammed up" and won't talk about what's going on for any length of time, it can certainly lead to the end of the relationship.

One idea from our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" that
you can try if this is happening to you is to be honest about what's going on.

Be honest with yourself and with your partner about what you are experiencing without blaming either one of you.

3. You or your partner had or is having an affair and there are serious trust issues.

Trust issues, especially from past infidelity, can completely erode a relationship--let alone affairs that continue to go on.

Our advice--Get clear about what you want and what you and your partner's commitments are to your relationship. If you're tempted by an affair, even an emotional one, focus your attention on your relationship instead to discover what's there. Focus your attention on making this relationship better if possible first.

If you need help, we offer concrete ways to build trust back in a relationship after cheating in our
"Relationship Trust Turnaround."

4. There's a conflict of values between the two of you and neither person is willing to bend.

These different values can show up in many ways--raising children, dealing with finances, religious differences, cultural differences, and so much more.

When there's this kind of conflict, one or both people are trying to change each other into something that isn't and may never be.

Bringing those differences into the open, listening to each other and not making the other wrong is where you begin.

Then find out if there's enough of an overlap of other interests and values that will allow the relationship to thrive or if you both might be better, happier people apart.

5. Your partner says "I'm leaving" or you have the urge to leave that you can't shake off.

In committed relationships and marriages, a person who is considering leaving usually mulls it over for quite awhile before he or she acts.

If this describes you or your partner, it's important to find out what you really want in a relationship and if this relationship can bring that to you.

The quicker you find clarity, the quicker you can make this relationship better or make the decision to move on.

If you need help, our "Should you stay or Should you go?" process
can help you sort it all out.

6. You or your partner has addictions that interfere with intimacy and connection.

If you or your partner are numbing yourselves by using addictive substances, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to have a healthy relationship (depending on the severity of the addiction.)

If addictions are keeping you and your loved one apart, get the help you need from a professional. Don't turn a blind eye to what's happening or make excuses. It usually only gets worse.

7. You or your partner is blinded by jealousy.

Jealousy, especially when it's considered "unwarranted," can kill a relationship very quickly.

Again, whether you are the jealous one or it's your partner, you need to both look at the problem and commit to healing it.

8. There's emotional or physical violence in your relationship.

If there's violence of any kind in your relationship, don't make excuses for it--it's a call for help. The best advice we have is to take action to get help.

If your relationship is filled with violence, even sporadic violence, thinking you can save him or her (if you are the victim) will never change things.

It's a call for help--and that means outside help. If you are the victim, find a way to leave the relationship until you know the violence has stopped forever.

If you're the one prone to violence, get help now. Don't excuse, justify or apologize your way through life. Take action to stop it.

9. One or both of you are apathetic or bored in your relationship.

This is the silent killer that creeps into relationships and usually the two people don't realize it's happened before it too late.

If you feel this might be happening in your relationship, tune into yourself to feel what's missing and what you want.

Breathe some life into yourself by finding a goal that turns you on. Remember you have to breathe life into yourself before you can revitalize your relationship.

10. One or both of you can't heal after the pain of a previous relationship breakup or divorce.

We all carry unresolved emotions from previous relationships and many times, they are worked out in the new relationship.

But when the pain of the past interferes with the new relationship--when one of you lives more in the past than in the present--it can kill the relationship.

You can learn to come into the present moment and let the pain of the past move through you and dissolve.

It can be a complex process and we don't want to trivialize it here but you can learn to see life differently--if you choose.

Okay, so we've given you our pick for the 10 worst case relationship scenarios with the hope that you will get a little insight into how to make some shifts for the better if they happen to you or your loved ones.

Our wish for you is happiness and love--and coming into consciousness about what's currently in your life and moving toward what you truly want is a step toward that.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Most of us remember that incredibly blissful feeling of being "in love" at least once in our lives.

You couldn't breathe, you couldn't concentrate and all you wanted to do was to be with your beloved, basking in that delicious magnetic pull toward each other. You couldn't get enough of one another. You felt like it was "right" and you were "home."

Now we know that it's not realistic (or even desirable) to go through life like this--feeling so ungrounded, scattered and unfocused all the time that you can't get much done.

What happens for most couples is...

For some mysterious reason in the process of "settling down", we lose all or most of this excitement and powerful
feelings of love and attraction we felt for one another.

We settle into comfort and routine and those intense feelings get so watered down that we have trouble finding them.

Most of the people who begin to question whether they want to be in the relationship they're in or not (and the ones who are living with the question of whether to stay or go tell us that what happened for them is what happened for many couples...

Somewhere along the line they lost the passion, spark and desire that they once had. It all sort of faded away and they ended up wondering "what just happened?"

We've discovered that it doesn't have to be this way...

While you probably don't want those exact feelings you had when you were first in love (we don't), but what you may want is a more seasoned hybrid of it. In other words, you may want a little more spark than what you have now without all the drama and intensity that's over the edge.

The good news is that you don't have to get divorced or go find a new partner to find it.

Here are 4 ways that we and other couples use to fall in love over and over again with each other...

1. Go on a no-criticism diet

If there's one thing people tell us that kills love and passion, it's constant criticism, even in your mind.

Criticism is one of those habits that we learn from our early care-givers and others--and we keep on doing it sometimes in the guise of "helping" our loved one become a "better" person.

Criticizing another person also might help us feel superior or better than someone else--for a moment at least--even though we may not be aware that that's why we're doing it.

The only thing criticism actually does is let that other person know that you don't think they're okay the way they are.

And that pushes the two of you away from one another and certainly kills passion.

If you can recognize that criticism is an unhealthy pattern in your relationship, put an end to it.

If one person is doing it, both of you are probably guilty of it.

So start with you and pay attention to where you are automatically thinking or saying that your partner is wrong.

And then stop--and suggest that maybe the two of you could take the no-criticism challenge together.

Substitute something you like about him or her in place of the criticism you have.

For example--

Your thought--"Why doesn't he/she ever close the cabinet door?"

Your substitution--"I like the way he/she sat next to me on the couch last night when we were watching one of my favorite shows on TV."

Of course there are times when you do need to talk about things that are bothering you and give healthy feedback.

We're not saying that that never happens...

What we're saying is to monitor your thoughts and what you say for even one day to see where you are focusing
on what you don't want rather than what you do want.

2. Get curious about your partner.

In order to fall in love again, you have to look with new eyes at your partner and at your relationship.

This might take some doing if you've been hurt in the past but if both of you want to recapture what you had, you'll
need to wipe out your preconceived ideas about him or her.

We all change in every moment and we might think we know what our partner's thinking and feeling but we really don't.

Instead of making up stories about what we think is going on with our partner, be open to listening from a very different perspective.

It's a perspective that says we really don't know what our partner is thinking or feeling and that we're open to finding out--without getting defensive..

One of the "magic words" that we use a lot to open both of us to listening more deeply and lovingly to each other is this phrase...

"Tell me more about that..."

Instead of jumping in and taking over the conversation with something that was our experience, when we use
this phrase, we're saying to the other person that "You are important and I want to know more about what you're thinking and feeling."

3. Fall in love with yourself.

The old adage is true--you can't love another until you love yourself.

If you're constantly thinking you're not worth loving, then these thoughts put up walls between you and others.

We're just not open to fully loving others when we're overly self-critical.

So instead of thinking that it's a lost cause because you have so many faults and shortcomings (we all feel a little of this)...

Start finding ways to love yourself.

Remember what we said about going on a no-criticism diet?

Well that goes for criticizing yourself too.

Most of us feel like we are our own worst critic.

While it's certainly healthy to see what you may be doing that hurts another person or yourself and then make changes that would make your life better...

It's not healthy to have a string of constant criticism that says "You're stupid," "You'll never succeed," "You can do anything right," or whatever it is that you tell yourself.

Start monitoring your mind to find out what you say to yourself about you.

If you're constantly putting yourself down, tell yourself something that is true about yourself and will take you in the direction you want to go.

Do something nice for yourself every day--something pleasurable--and really bask in the pleasure of it.

That's loving yourself.

And it's true...

When you can love yourself more, you open the door for others to love you more.

4. Open yourself to finding a common passion together and do things that take you beyond what may be comfortable for you.

We can get in a rut and when we do, all passion withers and dies--whether it's in the bedroom, our work or in other areas of our lives.

If you want more passion, you have to prime the pump.

You have to find some new ways to connect--possibly the way you used to when you were first together.

It might also be some new ways that possibly could stretch your comfort level.

The other day the two of us explored a new area of the bike path that's near our house.

Now we love to bike together so that wasn't new but that day we rode further than we had before--spending
the afternoon enjoying each other and the day.

The ride turned out to be really fun for the two of us but we may not have done it if we had planned to ride for 14 miles that day.

It was a little out of our comfort level and a little different from our regular rides.

The point is to find some things that you like to do together and be open to some surprises.

You can fall in love again.

It may not happen overnight but it can happen.

We've seen it happen.

But it won't unless you take that first step toward it.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)