Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If you were to get 100 people together and ask them this question...

"Do you do things to try control or manipulate your husband, wife, partner or other loved ones?"

We think you'd find that almost every one of them would say "No, I don't do this."

But...regardless of what most people's first "reaction" to this question is...

The truth is almost everyone tries to control and manipulate the people they love most and most of
the time it's totally unconscious.

So, why do we do this?

Why do we have this need to control and manipulate?

How does this play out in our important relationships?

For starters...

It's just a part of being human--we all want our way and to feel loved and appreciated.

We all have different ways of doing it--sometimes being forceful and domineering and sometimes withdrawing and being aloof.

And much of this is unconscious behavior learned very early in our lives.

So if we're all trying to control one another, how can two people ever find peace, happiness and love together as a couple?

The answer's pretty simple but not always easy to do...

You both have to learn to unravel your unconscious behaviors and create new habits that support the kind of relationships and life you want.

The two of us have read books on the topic, listened to a lot of men and women over the many years we've been giving relationship advice and we've also dealt with trying to control one another for just as long...

Here's a little of what we've learned about control...

1. At their core, women and men generally have different reasons for trying to control the other.

Most women want to control their men so they can feel loved, secure and even peaceful.

Here's what's usually not said but implied...

"If you come home each evening and eat dinner with me, I'll know that you love me."

"If you dress up in your new shirt and pants, you won't embarrass me."

"If you were more affectionate during the day, I'd be more open to making love with you more often."

Most men want freedom most of all--as well as being wanted and appreciated by their women--and they control to get their needs met.

Here's what's maybe not said but implied...

"Just let me relax when I get home and don't make me help around the house."

"I don't want to go to this event but I'll go because you want me to and then I'll sulk, letting you know I'm not having a good time and don't want to be there."

"Since I'm in charge of the finances, here's what we're going to do..."

Now of course, not all men and not all women fit this model and these ideas certainly may not apply in your relationship.

But it's worth taking a look at it from this angle to discover what you and your partner do when you fall into controlling one another.

2. When there's a struggle for control in a relationship, there's usually one who pushes and there's one who withdraws--and these roles can change depending on the circumstance.

It's pretty obvious to blame the one who pushes as trying to control the situation but believe it or not, it's also the one who withdraws who's trying to control and get his or her needs met.

They just go about it a little different way but it comes off as control, nonetheless.

3. Control never brings the security, peace, love or freedom that we want.

When we get what we want by controlling another person, we're always on guard because we fear if we aren't, whatever illusion we've created for ourselves that we have what we want will be taken from us.

The feeling is--"If I let down my guard for one second, he/she will go back to the old ways."

This is especially difficult when there's been infidelity or a fear of it in the relationship but can be about something as simple as trying to control one person leaving dirty dishes in the sink or remembering to take the garbage cans to the street.

We're not saying that giving up control is easy but we are saying that so far, we haven't seen control bringing true happiness.

If you've been trying to control your partner and not feeling like things are getting better, it might be time to find another way of being.

So what do you do instead of control?

Here are a few ideas...

1. Notice what your particular brand of control is in your relationships. How do you go about getting your way?

It might be that you don't realize how strong you come off (that might appear pushy to someone else). It also might be that you don't realize how you collapse and just "go along" while shoving down anger and resentment--even though you might not consider this "getting your way."

So just notice what you do when the two of you get into power struggles.

2. Interrupt your pattern and try a different behavior.

If you storm off and slam doors or sit down in front of the tv or a computer when there's a power struggle, stay engaged with the other person.

If you talk, talk, talk and the other person doesn't say anything, try giving the space for the other person to speak.

If you retreat or pull away, move toward.

If you find that you push forward, move back a bit to create some space and breathing room.

3. Use "Magic Words" from our "Magic Relationship Words" program to stay engaged with the other person.

You might use words like "It's not my intention to...(make you wrong or hurt you.)"

Or use inclusive language like "How can we...(both get our needs met in this situation?"

4. Choose love instead of control.

It's so easy to go on auto-pilot and go through life doing what we've always done.

It takes courage and being conscious to choose love.

We invite you to choose love instead of control because in the end, everyone wins if your do.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We were certainly intrigued yesterday when we saw the article about the AskMen.com's Great Male Survey 2010 Edition.

There were a lot of interesting "aha's" from the results but what really got our attention was the comparison between this survey of men and Cosmo's Great Female Survey about romance.

Drum roll please...

Here's one finding that will blow your socks off...

According to the article, "Nearly 40% of women report that their boyfriends or husbands are “not very often” or “never” romantic, yet 75% of men claim that they are romantic consistently."

So if this is what women and men think, what's going on here?

Who's got it right and who's fooling themselves?

Here are a few of our thoughts about romance and the differences between the sexes...

Here's a big light bulb moment...

Both men and women have different ideas of romance and what it means to be romantic.

While a man may think that taking his partner out to dinner or giving her flowers on special holidays is romantic, a woman may have a totally different idea of what romance is to her.

We're certainly not saying that all men are slow in catching on (if at all) when it comes to romance but we are saying that after doing our own surveys, many women want more romance from their men.

What kind of romance do they want? It may surprise you.

Here are a few things they told us they'd like their men to do in the romance department...

1. She wants to spend quality time with him and have him act like he really enjoys it.

2. She wants him to "claim" her in public--letting others know that she's with him.

3. She wants to see little signs throughout the day that he loves her--text messages, emails, hugs...

4. She'd like more passionate kisses.

5. She'd like him to take charge every now and then to arrange a date for the two of them, including getting a baby-sitter.

Wow--it's no wonder men think they're being romantic when a woman doesn't.

The trick is for both of them to get on the same page as to what romance means to each of them.

If you're a man and you want more information to help you learn how to light up your woman, visit http://www.lightherup.com and sign up for Otto's newsletter for men.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So what about secrets?

Have you ever tried to keep a secret from someone (like your spouse or partner) and keeping the secret from them started creating even bigger problems for you?

This is what happened to one woman who wrote to us recently asking for advice.

She had found herself in a really uncomfortable situation as a result of not telling the truth to her husband.

She didn't know how to deal with her situation after she realized that her lie was going to be an even bigger problem for her than if she'd actually told the truth in the first place.
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This woman told us that there was a secret she had been keeping from her husband and when he had asked her about, she had lied to him and denied his accusations.

Now she wants to talk to him about it but doesn't know how since she already told him something that wasn't true.

You may not have this particular problem but we're guessing that at some time or another you have wanted to go back and amend something that you said or did and didn't quite know how to do it.

Maybe you have or haven't lied about something as this woman did--but you still may have had problems bringing up something unpleasant or uncomfortable with someone else.

So here's the thing...

There's no shortcut when this happens and no "easy" way to save face, especially when there have been lies.

But you know what's worse?

Allowing the lie, uncomfortable feelings or "withhold" as one of our teachers called it to build walls between the two of you is much worse than dealing with it.

Susie met with a group of women last week and one of the women brought up something that was uncomfortable for her to say and for others to hear.

This woman said what she needed to say--a couple of other women were thinking the same thing--and the issue was brought out in the open for discussion.

Even though it was an uncomfortable situation, if this woman had not said what she was feeling, the group would have lost its cohesiveness and there would have been an unnamed tension that hadn't been there before.

Although this issue wasn't about confessing to a lie as our reader asked about, the same kind of courage and authenticity has to be present in both situations.

So how do you deal with talking about something unpleasant with someone, which may be confessing to giving wrong information in a previous discussion and 'fessing up to a lie?

Here are a few pointers to help you...

1. Connect with what you're feeling and what your "truth" is.

If you need to, take some time and write out what your truth is before you try to speak it.

2. Choose a time when you can be alone and not distracted to talk with the other person. Do this privately and not in a public place like a restaurant. Provide a "safe space" where you both can express what you need to say
without being on public display.

Look at your intentions and make sure they aren't to hurt the other person, get revenge or to make the other person wrong but rather to set the record straight for the future health of your relationship.

3. Make sure you keep breathing and center yourself before you speak.

You might take some deep breaths, bringing the breath into your belly and down to your toes before you exhale. Focus your attention on the place just below your navel to stay grounded.

4. Let the other person know how important he or she is to you.

You might use our "Magic Words" phrase "Our relationship is really important to me..." to start your conversation.

5. Say what's true for you--and make it only about you.

If, like our reader, you've told a lie, you can explain why the lie came out of your mouth in the first place.

*Maybe you reacted out of fear of losing your partner's love

*Maybe you didn't want to hurt him or her, but in telling the lie, you realize that you created more hurt and mistrust.

*Maybe you just weren't courageous enough to tell the truth at that time but now you are.

Keep in mind that these aren't excuses and don't excuse the lie--if there was one.

This information does, however, let the other person know what you were thinking at the time.

If you're trying to deal with a lie you told, explain how you are willing to make amends now if the person is willing to listen.

6. Stay open to the other person and allow whatever emotions are there to come up.

If he or she becomes angry, listen but don't put yourself in a position to get hurt if the anger gets physical or out of control.

If the other person withdraws or leaves and won't talk with you, try to talk again at a later time.

If he or she still isn't willing to talk with you, you can write your thoughts in a letter and send it.

Remember, if you have lied and you've been questioned about it, the mistrust is already there.

Being courageous and telling the truth is the first step to regaining and rebuilding trust--although there are no guarantees that the other person will trust you again.

Trust is built in every moment and it starts with being authentic and allowing the "real" you to be present.

This is also how love expands and grows.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 06:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Since it's "vacation season" here in the US, we've had more than one couple tell us how they are wondering if they've spent too much time together for their own good...

In just a moment, we'll give you our thoughts about whether it's really possible to spend TOO much time together but
first, we want to tell you about something we're doing in just a few days for men.

As you may recall, Otto has just launched his new website for MEN and is giving away a free ebook called "10 Keys To Lighting Up Your Woman" to every man who signs up for his newsletter.

Also... something Otto just announced is that we're doing a teleseminar for men in just a few days called "10 Things EVERY Woman Wants From Her Man AND How You Can Give These Things To Her." If you're a guy and want to find out more, check it out.

As record heat fries the eastern half of the USA (including where we live) over the past few days, experts warn of the dangers of over-exposure to our bodies.

It's just plain hot.

Even if you aren't struggling with this heat wave where you live, chances are you've taken some kind of vacation
with your family or maybe gotten together with family or friends for an extended time together.

If you have ever spent some extended time with more intense interaction than you normally do, there's also a pretty good chance that with all of this social interaction and "togetherness," you might feel a bit "over-exposed" to the ones you love.

You might have felt like there was a little too much togetherness and your love (and patience) may have been tested :-) .

After a brief vacation together, one family we know found themselves picking arguments with each other that was out of the ordinary for them.

The dad made the comment to us that "We've been together a little bit too too long right now."

What we know is that "over-exposure to the ones we love" feeling, along with the stresses that vacations can bring--heat, dealing with crowds of people, trying to get around in unfamiliar places, erratic eating schedules or rich and unfamiliar food --can certainly play havoc in the best relationships, even if you think you're doing pretty well.

If you can relate...

Here are some specific ways you might react when you've been together a little too long or have "vacation-itis" and
some suggestions to "cool" down your and others' emotions and reactions...

1. Communication misfires that come up now and then seem to be exaggerated and over-blown.

Carla and her husband Jay rented a kayak when they were vacationing together in the Great Lakes region.

Being relatively new to kayaking, they found that they became very irritated with one another as they tried to paddle (sometimes in opposite directions) to their destination.

They couldn't establish a rhythm that worked for both of them--Carla wanted to paddle slower than Jay and he became anxious when they were out of sync.

On top of that, they each seemed to have their own "plans" for getting where they were going but "forgot" to share them with each other.

Normally, they get along pretty well but it became clear that their usual way of communicating (or not communicating) didn't work as well when they were in one boat, trying to go in one direction.

And it was a metaphor for what happens in their life together.

Afterwards their kayak experience, Carla discovered that she pushes Jay to be the leader but then does her own thing when she feels afraid or triggered.

Jay discovered that when he gets irritated with Carla, he becomes superior and sarcastic which only makes the situation and communication worse.

We talk a lot about "magic words" that can make a big difference in your communication and if Carla or Jay had asked one of our "Magic Words" questions like this...

"How can we make this situation work better?"

...with a completely open heart, their kayak trip might have been more enjoyable.

They could even have some fun with it and imagine all kinds of ways to make their situation better--like sawing the kayak in half or skipping the paddling part and going for a swim from the boat--along with clearly talking about a plan that might help them work together.

As you can clearly see, "Magic Words" and questions like these can truly make a big difference in the quality of your communication and your love when you use them.

Another way that too much time together can create a feeling of "overexposure"...

2. Trust and jealousy issues come to the forefront.

If there are any jealousy and trust issues in a relationship, they get triggered big time in the summer when other men and women wear practically nothing.

Pam felt very uncomfortable thinking about going on a vacation with her husband Paul to the Bahamas because
of all the women in bikinis they would see on the beaches.

Normally, they didn't go many places where she would have to endure having him look at these other women wearing practically nothing--so it wasn't too much of a problem--except now and then.

But when Pam's jealousy did erupt, it put a damper on everything--and she certainly didn't want that to happen on her vacation.

In this situation, we'd recommend that Pam practice noticing her self-talk and the stories she makes up when she gets jealous.

When she identifies her "stories"--like the story that Paul wants to be with the woman in the bikini more than her, she can question whether she knows that's true or not.

If she's honest with herself, she'll admit that she doesn't know that's true--and then she can learn to switch her
thinking to examples of when he's shown her that he loves her.

As she changes her focus, she learns to calm her suspicious thoughts and jealousy.

3. If you're feeling like there's too much togetherness, you might even begin to wonder why you're with your partner because the two of you just can't seem to get along.

Okay, so this is extreme but it might cross your mind in the throes of conflict and when you've really had enough of each other.

If this happens, take a breath, take a walk by yourself or do something that will break the stale-mate that you can't seem to get out of.

When you both are in a calmer, more centered place, talk about what you both want and need. And listen to each other.

If your disagreements are deeply-rooted and you need some help getting some resolution, don't give up on the relationship until you've gotten the help of a therapist or coach.

If you want help sorting out your situation in complete privacy, we have a program "Should you stay or should you go?" that can help you.

Over-exposure to each other can be a good thing.

It can lead you to discovering some valuable things about each other that will open the door to deepening your love and connection if you're open to working through the challenges of the moment when you get irritated or overexposed.

So have fun this summer and remember your sun

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)