When Fear Holds Your Relationship Hostage--3 Ways to Move Past It
There is a very simple problem (but one that is not so simple to fix) that plagues nearly everyone and the problem is much bigger than you might think...
In fact, most people don't think of themselves as having this problem at all--but they do.
The fact is...
Almost everyone has this problem.
It just plays out differently for each of us.
So what's this big problem we're talking about here?
The problem is..."fear" ...
And before you start thinking that this isn't an issue for you, consider this...
Has fear ever stopped you cold in your tracks from doing something that you knew would be good for you to do if you just did it?
If we're totally honest, all of us have felt this kind of fear from time to time--and if we didn't act, we realized we missed a great opportunity because of it.
This paralyzing fear can happen in any part of our lives and can cause problems but it can really be damaging to our relationships.
When fear holds us hostage in our relationships, it very plainly shuts off possibilities and connection.
One place fear shows up with our loved ones is the way we communicate with them.
But let's back up a little...
Why is it so important to take a look at fear and the role that it plays in our relationship and life?
As one of our teachers said, "Fear causes us to place bets on losing instead of winning."
The problem with this is...
When "losing" or "fear of losing" or fear of any kind becomes what you focus on rather than what both you and your partner want-- then you almost always get more of what you fear or don't want.
We restrict and constrict ourselves instead of being open to possibilities when we're fearful.
When we're constricted, hold back and withdraw because of fear, there's no way we can have the connection, communication and love that most of us want with others.
According to some teachers, there are three types of fear in our modern world where most of us don't worry about getting eaten by gigantic beasts or where our next meal is coming from.
These 3 types of fear are...
1. Fear of rejection
2. Fear of failure
3. Fear of being wrong
These fears show up in our thoughts, in our emotions and in our physical body--and we're mostly unaware when they do.
It's automatic.
Fear of rejection can come up when you decide that you want to reach out to your partner in a more physical way than what's normal for the two of you.
Fear of failure can come up when you feel like every relationship you've been in has been a disaster and you don't want to open yourself to trying again.
Fear of being wrong can come up when you keep quiet instead of giving your opinion because you're afraid you'll look stupid or the other person will make you wrong.
You withhold yourself and say something like "Anything you want" or "I don't care" when you really do care.
When you're fearful, you default to faulty, addictive behaviors that certainly don't serve you or your relationship.
The problem with all this is that solutions can't possibly bubble up to the surface if fear is holding a lid on them.
We can't even think straight let alone allow ideas to emerge that actually might help the situation we're in.
Now of course, fear can be a good thing to protect us from doing something stupid like putting our hand on a hot stove or driving 120 mph on the freeway.
But when it comes to our relationships, fear really blocks what we'll call inspired action that we need to take if we want to create the best relationship possible.
So what do you do when fear comes up because it's very real and needs to be paid attention to?
Here are a few ways for you to start recognizing and transforming fear in your relationships and start creating more of what you want...
1. Recognize what "fear" feels like in your mind, body and emotions.
Susie might feel fear in her stomach (which is a normal place to feel it) but also her shoulders will get tight.
If she listens to her random thoughts at those times, she might hear a lot of negativity--something like "It'll never change" or "He doesn't really understand me."
When she recognizes any of these things happening, she knows she's gone into a fear spiral.
Look at yourself and what might be your fear spiral.
What do you tell yourself?
What are you feeling in your body?
2. Imagine a positive outcome.
Most of the time, when we're in the throes of fear, all we can think of is what's wrong and what could go wrong.
What would happen if at those times, we switch our thoughts to this--that it's just as possible to have a positive outcome.
What if we imagine the other person actually staying open and listening to us when communication has been shaky at best in the past?
What if we began to see the other person in a new light--thinking more about what's going right than what's going wrong?
This doesn't mean ignoring when you need to take action because you're being abused in any way.
If you're being abused, it's more important than ever for you not to let fear paralyze you but rather find ways to calm yourself, switch your thinking and allow solutions to come to you.
Imagining a positive outcome for yourself can mean creating a picture of what you want for the two of you and what you want for yourself.
3. Get the help you need to take action.
If communication is an issue for you and your partner, Magic Relationship Words can help you say it right so the two of you stay open to each other.
If fear has really got you in its grip and you can't quite breakthrough, you may want to work with us as your coach or find a therapist.
You can also ask a friend to help you become accountable in making the changes you want.
Let's say that you want to start speaking up about finances with your partner. The two of you haven't seen eye to eye and you've either left financial decisions to your partner or he/she has left them to you.
Fear has kept you from rocking the teetering boat but you know that it's driving a wedge between the two of you.
Let's say you decide that you want to talk with your partner openly about finances and that would require you to ask for a time that the two of you could sit down and go over the family budget together.
You can tell your friend that you are going to ask your partner for that meeting on a certain date and you want your friend to hold you accountable if you don't take that step on that date.
You can reward yourself when you do take action and also tell your friend when you have so she or he can be your cheerleader and support you.
There are many ways to start breaking through fear that keeps us isolated and unloved.
We invite you to look at where fear is freezing you and to take the steps that will allow you to move out of it to a whole new level of authenticity and love.
