Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If you've ever done what my mom used to call "set up housekeeping," you might have some idea of what kind of kitchen staples you'd need.

These can be different for everyone but there are certain things that are pretty standard. When we did a Google search for "kitchen staples," one website listed about 42 items.

Some of those were the usual things like coffee, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, beans (of all kinds), garlic and tea.

Our kitchen staples may not look like yours but there are probably some similarities if someone took a clipboard and check sheet and inventoried our kitchens.

What's all this have to do with your relationship?

We don't think we're stretching the point (very much) when we say that throughout the years of delving into relationships of all kinds, there are some similar things that could be called "relationship staples."

Want to know a few? We'll start you off with a list of 7...

1. Don't jump to conclusions so quickly

Most of us go about our days reacting rather than truly being conscious about what's happening right now. We jump to conclusions, thinking we know what someone what meant by what they said and the truth is that we don't.

The funny thing about our minds is that we just make it up and sometimes we don't even hear what someone has said correctly. We hear what we want to hear--or don't want to hear.

So ask for clarification before jumping.

2. Connect with each other every day, even for 15 or 20 minutes

If you want to connect with someone and have a great relationship, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you have to see or talk with that person--connect somehow--everyday.

How you make your connection is determined by whether you can physically get together or not. Sometimes that isn't possible. But what is possible to talk with each other in a way that you both feel a connection.

3. Stop what you are doing and listen more intently

If there's one thing we've learned in our relationship, it's that in order to create a deeper connection you actually need to pay attention to the other person.

If you multi-task, the other person feel his or her lack of importance to you. Yes, you might not mean it that way but that's the way it's coming off.

So stop and pay attention.

4. Treat yourself to what relaxes you every day

Find some way to relax yourself every day, even for a few minutes. It might be to take a walk. It might be to do some meditating. It might be to listen to some relaxing music. It might be to paint, draw or do your favorite hobby. It could even mean doing a crossword puzzle.

The point is to find some way to let the cares of your day dissolve so you can be fresh to be with others.

5. Be more truthful when you don't want to do something or go somewhere

Okay, so a lot of us have a problem telling someone, especially those we love, that we don't want to do something or go somewhere when the he or she really thinks it's important.

The problem is that when you don't and you agree to go (or let them THINK you agree), you run the chance of building up resentment, even though you might not realize it.

And we all know how resentment can come out--in sarcasm, anger at something entirely different, or cold silence.

If you do any of these, start practicing being more truthful.

6. Stop yourself when you start getting critical

Criticism is addictive. Most of us do it but we don't realize the damage it does to our relationships--even when we do it in our minds.

Constant criticism eats away at relationships and not only damages the other person but it damages you.

So when you feel criticism bubble up in your mind, stop yourself and shift your thoughts to something else that's healthier.

If you need to talk with someone about an issue or problem, of course deal with it but don't keep criticizing.

Find ways to work it out.

7. Learn something new that will increase your enthusiasm and zest for life

One way to keep your relationships alive and growing is to keep yourself growing in positive ways.

Notice what excites you and you feel some passion for--and do that.

If you keep telling yourself that you don't have any time--that you have too many responsibilities and things to do to spend time doing something like that--think again.

If you don't, you risk deadening yourself and losing you.

This is one of the biggest relationship killers there is--so make it one of your relationship staples to take some time to do something that you find interesting.

Those 7 ways are of course not the only "relationship staples" there are for creating healthy relationships. We invite you to come up with your own list and add those.

The point is to do some things that will create more health in your relationships--rather than do things that will create separation and disconnection.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There is a very simple problem (but one that is not so simple to fix) that plagues nearly everyone and the problem is much bigger than you might think...

In fact, most people don't think of themselves as having this problem at all--but they do.

The fact is...

Almost everyone has this problem.

It just plays out differently for each of us.

So what's this big problem we're talking about here?

The problem is..."fear" ...

And before you start thinking that this isn't an issue for you, consider this...

Has fear ever stopped you cold in your tracks from doing something that you knew would be good for you to do if you just did it?

If we're totally honest, all of us have felt this kind of fear from time to time--and if we didn't act, we realized we missed a great opportunity because of it.

This paralyzing fear can happen in any part of our lives and can cause problems but it can really be damaging to our relationships.

When fear holds us hostage in our relationships, it very plainly shuts off possibilities and connection.

One place fear shows up with our loved ones is the way we communicate with them.

But let's back up a little...

Why is it so important to take a look at fear and the role that it plays in our relationship and life?

As one of our teachers said, "Fear causes us to place bets on losing instead of winning."

The problem with this is...

When "losing" or "fear of losing" or fear of any kind becomes what you focus on rather than what both you and your partner want-- then you almost always get more of what you fear or don't want.

We restrict and constrict ourselves instead of being open to possibilities when we're fearful.

When we're constricted, hold back and withdraw because of fear, there's no way we can have the connection, communication and love that most of us want with others.

According to some teachers, there are three types of fear in our modern world where most of us don't worry about getting eaten by gigantic beasts or where our next meal is coming from.

These 3 types of fear are...

1. Fear of rejection
2. Fear of failure
3. Fear of being wrong

These fears show up in our thoughts, in our emotions and in our physical body--and we're mostly unaware when they do.

It's automatic.

Fear of rejection can come up when you decide that you want to reach out to your partner in a more physical way than what's normal for the two of you.

Fear of failure can come up when you feel like every relationship you've been in has been a disaster and you don't want to open yourself to trying again.

Fear of being wrong can come up when you keep quiet instead of giving your opinion because you're afraid you'll look stupid or the other person will make you wrong.

You withhold yourself and say something like "Anything you want" or "I don't care" when you really do care.

When you're fearful, you default to faulty, addictive behaviors that certainly don't serve you or your relationship.

The problem with all this is that solutions can't possibly bubble up to the surface if fear is holding a lid on them.

We can't even think straight let alone allow ideas to emerge that actually might help the situation we're in.

Now of course, fear can be a good thing to protect us from doing something stupid like putting our hand on a hot stove or driving 120 mph on the freeway.

But when it comes to our relationships, fear really blocks what we'll call inspired action that we need to take if we want to create the best relationship possible.

So what do you do when fear comes up because it's very real and needs to be paid attention to?

Here are a few ways for you to start recognizing and transforming fear in your relationships and start creating more of what you want...

1. Recognize what "fear" feels like in your mind, body and emotions.

Susie might feel fear in her stomach (which is a normal place to feel it) but also her shoulders will get tight.

If she listens to her random thoughts at those times, she might hear a lot of negativity--something like "It'll never change" or "He doesn't really understand me."

When she recognizes any of these things happening, she knows she's gone into a fear spiral.

Look at yourself and what might be your fear spiral.

What do you tell yourself?

What are you feeling in your body?

2. Imagine a positive outcome.

Most of the time, when we're in the throes of fear, all we can think of is what's wrong and what could go wrong.

What would happen if at those times, we switch our thoughts to this--that it's just as possible to have a positive outcome.

What if we imagine the other person actually staying open and listening to us when communication has been shaky at best in the past?

What if we began to see the other person in a new light--thinking more about what's going right than what's going wrong?

This doesn't mean ignoring when you need to take action because you're being abused in any way.

If you're being abused, it's more important than ever for you not to let fear paralyze you but rather find ways to calm yourself, switch your thinking and allow solutions to come to you.

Imagining a positive outcome for yourself can mean creating a picture of what you want for the two of you and what you want for yourself.

3. Get the help you need to take action.

If communication is an issue for you and your partner, Magic Relationship Words can help you say it right so the two of you stay open to each other.

If fear has really got you in its grip and you can't quite breakthrough, you may want to work with us as your coach or find a therapist.

You can also ask a friend to help you become accountable in making the changes you want.

Let's say that you want to start speaking up about finances with your partner. The two of you haven't seen eye to eye and you've either left financial decisions to your partner or he/she has left them to you.

Fear has kept you from rocking the teetering boat but you know that it's driving a wedge between the two of you.

Let's say you decide that you want to talk with your partner openly about finances and that would require you to ask for a time that the two of you could sit down and go over the family budget together.

You can tell your friend that you are going to ask your partner for that meeting on a certain date and you want your friend to hold you accountable if you don't take that step on that date.

You can reward yourself when you do take action and also tell your friend when you have so she or he can be your cheerleader and support you.

There are many ways to start breaking through fear that keeps us isolated and unloved.

We invite you to look at where fear is freezing you and to take the steps that will allow you to move out of it to a whole new level of authenticity and love.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One thing we've discovered about love, relationships, marriage and how to stay in love is...

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident...

In fact, it's true about not only your relationships, but everything in life...

A great anything does not happen by accident...

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" are two different things.

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the question is...

How do they do it?

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over.

Here are a few..

Secret # 1

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other differently than couples who are headed for divorce court...

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but they also use different words than the rest of us when they talk to each other....

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner instead of shut him or her down--

They use words that keep their partner interested instead of bored--

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can wound and words can heal.

We've found that the right words truly can make all the difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship becomes a divorce or breakup statistic--

That's why we've put together a collection of the best words you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love or even rebuild a love that's faded over time.

We call these "Magic Relationship Words."

Secret #2

Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long period of time "ditch competition."

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or marriage and they are left wondering...

Why?

The reason is simple:

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a relationship between couples who are intimate partners or married.

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse have a friendly little competition about anything, when
you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question:

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do I feel distant and more disconnected?"

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there is any kind of competition between the two of you.

Of all the people we have ever worked with personally and those who have gone through our "Should You Stay
or Should You Go?" program for deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship, not one of these people has ever said to us...

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're splitting up!"

It just doesn't happen.

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this:

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team.

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are just too great if you don't.

Secret # 3

Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other.

Just last night, Susie asked Otto...

"What do you most appreciate about me?"

To many people, it may seem kind of silly for a couple who's been together as long as we've been together to be telling each other what we appreciate about each other all the time.

But it works--

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the difference it makes in your relationship.

Simply say to your partner:

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________"

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or appreciate about him or her.

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a relationship or marriage.

As you may know, we just came out with a brand new program specifically for women who want to know whether their man is lying to them or cheating. It's called, "Where There's Smoke There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man Is A Cheating Liar.

While we were putting together this program, we couldn't help but think about how much less frequently this would occur in relationships if both men and women appreciated each other more.

Please know that we're not naive enough to think that in all cases simply "appreciating each other more" will solve all your relationship ills.

We're not suggesting that at all.

What we are saying is that it's been our experience that when you tell your partner, spouse or lover how much you like, love and appreciate him or her in specific ways on a regular basis, --your relationship really sings.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There are four words that almost NO one actually says out loud but millions of men and women sure think this about their spouse or partner.

What's underneath these four words can literally suck the life and passion out of an otherwise good relationship.

That's why we say these four words are silent relationship killers.

We know this sounds dramatic and we know what you're probably thinking...

If they're almost never spoken, how do they kill relationships?

Good question.

Glad you asked.

They kill relationships because they represent the predominant thought one person has for another--and what isn't spoken can be just as powerful or even more so than what is spoken.

What are these 4 dangerous words?

They are, "I don't trust you."

Before you think all we're talking about is what happens because of an affair, infidelity or one or both partners cheating on each other...

We'll tell you that you certainly might feel like that if you've been lied to or cheated on but there's much more to it when it comes to those four little words...

"I don't trust you..."

What we're talking about is taking you a little deeper into the whole idea of trust in an intimate relationship.

The idea of "I don't trust you" and a lack of trust can play out in a million different ways in a relationship.

For example...

*I don't trust you to bring home your share of the money to pay our bills

*I don't trust that you'll be home on time for dinner as you said you would

*I don't trust that you'll not spend us into debt

*I don't trust that you'll watch the kids the way I do

*I don't trust that you'll do the laundry and not ruin my shirts

*I don't trust that you'll be open to making love with me tonight

*I don't trust that you'll be honest with me

You get the idea...

And if you're honest with yourself, you can recognize where you've had those thoughts over and over about the person you love--we certainly have.

While these thoughts of "I don't trust you" are pretty normal, it's important for you to become aware of them because of how they can negatively impact your relationship.

Early in our relationship, Otto would tell Susie every now and then that she didn't trust him in certain ways. She denied it but it turned out that when she really looked at her thoughts, it was true.

She didn't trust him in certain ways that had nothing to do with him cheating.

But her mistrust could have driven a huge wedge between the two of us if we hadn't talked it out.

If mistrust becomes your predominant thought about your partner, you're automatically building walls between the two of you.

The other person feels your doubt and can withdraw or become angry, leaving the two of you with a lot that's left that's unsaid.

And these walls affect your communication, your openness to intimacy, and whether your love grows or dies.

One of the agreements the two of us made at the beginning of our relationship was that if we were upset with something that the other had said or done, we would talk first with him or her and not first with people outside our relationship.

That wasn't always the case in our previous relationships and we paid the price of disconnection and the eventual end of those relationships.

We didn't trust that our previous partners would listen to what we had to say and that we could calmly talk about whatever we needed to--so we talked to other people instead of our partners.

So what do you do if you have the thought that you don't trust the other person to do or not do whatever it is that's your issue--and you have good reason for your mistrust?

You may have had that experience with this person in the past and you can't turn your back on the idea that it will probably happen again.

Or your lack of trust might have nothing to do with your partner but rather experiences you've had in past relationships and as you were growing up.

How can you stop saying to yourself "I don't trust you" when you really don't trust him or her?

If you've identified some places in your relationship and in yourself where you don't trust and you don't want to continue to allow this mistrust to come between the two of you--even something very small...

1. Identify what and who you really don't trust. Look within for the real issues of your mistrust which may have started long before your current partner.

Take out pen and paper and write the words "I don't trust you because..." and then keep writing anything that comes into your mind. Just keep writing and see what comes up.

2. Identify the source of your trust problem. If it turns out that you need to do some forgiving of someone in your past, remember that you are forgiving for YOU and not condoning what the person did--assuming that you are
no longer being subjected to those actions anymore.

Actively choosing to no longer be tied to these wrongs that were done to you can be extremely freeing. You may need the help of a qualified therapist or coach to support you in this process.

3. In order to start trusting another person, you have to get in your mind what he or she has to do to become trustable to you. So start making your list and be specific.

4. Be courageous and talk with your partner about what's been holding you back and ways you've been mistrusting him or her.

Create some agreements and plans to move from mistrust even if it's about something very insignificant.

One of issues of trust for us has been keeping our home straightened up, especially with Otto's 21 year old son living with us.

One of the "Magic Words" phrases that we use is "Tell me your plan for ________."

Instead of worrying about whether whatever is in question will be put away or not., this phrase opens up communication instead of resentment.

You can find info about our "Magic Relationship Words" that are great to use in situations like these as well by going here...

Our suggestion to you is to make sure you don't allow hidden mistrust to silently kill your love for each other.

Take action and bring more love into your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Falling in love is easy. It's a matter of feeling that attraction to another and then acting on it. It's allowing yourself to feel that urge to want to be with that person above all else and share your life with him or her.

What deliciousness when it happens!

But when that feeling of being "in love" fades, you're left with a pretty hopeless, dismal feeling.

Here's a question a woman asked us and our answer to her...

"I have fallen out of love with my husband for the past 3 years and I am wondering if it is too late to get those 'in love' feelings back?"

Our answer...

Here's the truth--Most of us move in and out of feeling "in love" with our partners. Feeling "in love" is just a concept that means something different to everyone. When things are going well and we feel close and connected--and our beloved is feeling the same, we're in love. When one of us is not, we can find ourselves feeling love for the other but not "in love" at that moment. You may not even like him or her in those moments let alone feeling amorous love.

Now if this distance and disconnection goes on for a long time, it's a serious problem in the relationship--especially if one or both people want more.

Can you rekindle love?

Yes, you certainly can but you both have to WANT it to happen. You can't do it if you have one foot in the relationship and one foot out.

Here are a few ideas if you are wanting to find more time to rekindle and keep love alive in your relationship...

1. Decide what you truly want. If you want to rekindle the "fire," then what does that mean to each of you? Talk about how you both like your connection and relationship to be without blame and without getting defensive. Be honest about what really excites you. Just be honest--with yourself and with him--because if you aren't, you risk your relationship completely dying.

2. Focus on your positive outcome. Get on the same page, if possible, and hold that vision for how you'd like to be together. You will have the energy to move toward what you want if you just hold that as your vision for your life.

3. Make this a fun experience rather than something that "should" be done. If you don't make it fun, you're just going through the motions and nothing will change.

Find the time for closeness and connection. It has to feel really good in order to choose an activity that will bring you closer rather than one requires nothing of you. Even tiredness seems to dissolve when the rewards outweigh the allure of "vegging" out.

From our own lives and from observing the lives of many people, we've found that you can make one of two choices:

You can allow others or circumstances to dictate the course of your life or you can be a conscious creator of your life. The choice is yours.

Look inside you and then take the steps toward what you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)