Automatic Intimacy: 5 Questions That Make It Happen and Prevent Cheating...
One of the common complaints that we hear from couples, especially ones who have been together for many years, is this...
"We love each other but we've lost track of one another in the busy-ness of our lives. We barely talk to one another outside of the bare essentials of taking care of the kids and getting things done."
In our experience, this lack of intimate communication beyond the basics of living is what kills passion and ultimately relationships.
The TV show "Bones" star David Boreanaz recently admitted to infidelity in a People magazine interview.
Although the admission of a star's infidelity certainly isn't unusual or a surprise, Boreanaz's wife's response is.
While she didn't "blame" herself for her husband's affairs (he took full responsibility for his actions), she did admit that they led separate lives and when they were together, they were each focused on their computers and not on each other.
Is this an excuse for cheating?
Of course not but why even allow your relationship to get to this point?
So what might have prevented their relationship breakdown as well as many other couples' breakdowns who may not be dealing with cheating but rather vague feelings of distance and wanting more?
The answer is simple...
Start having intimate conversations with your partner.
(For some simple communication tips, check out the ideas in our "Communication Magic" program.)
In other words, start talking about what really matters to each other you.
Here are 5 questions that might help you get started talking again...
If you haven't been used to asking or answering questions like these, we suggest that you approach this in a playful way.
Making it "serious" and approaching it like "work" will only backfire on you.
So lighten up and have fun with this.
You might choose the best question for you to start out and just see where your asking takes you.
Remember, listening carefully and lovingly is as important or even more so as the asking.
One more thing we'll add before we give you the questions...
Don't allow yourself to get defensive no matter what.
If your partner won't answer now, says a vague "I don't know" or you don't particularly like the answer you get, just listen.
You might also share your answer with him or her just to get the ball rolling but keep blame out of it.
Okay, we've given you enough instructions--
Here are the 5 questions you might want to ask your partner or lover...
1. In order for me to be the best husband/wife/lover possible, I'm curious...
...What could I do that would make you say 12 months from now that this has been our best year together ever?
2. What are the things you'd like my help or support with right now or maybe in the future?
3. If you were to think about it for a moment, what's the one thing you'd love to ask me to do or be open to trying that you think could make our passion soar?
4. How could I become more trustable to you?
(Being trustable can be something as simple as taking the garbage cans to the street every week without a reminder or being on time when you go out together.)
5. If there's one thing we could shift , change or improve that would make us so much more loving and better as a couple, what would that be?
(Remember not to get defensive. Honestly ask from a place of wanting to improve yourself and your relationship.)
The idea is to open yourself to honest, transparent discussions that touch each of your souls and allow your love and connection to grow deeper.
Comments
That's true. I find when couples distance themselves it's because the communication is lacking. There's no spark.
A good way to light the fire is by reading a fantasy which includes just the two of you. One where the couple is doing something together which is difficult to pull off in real life.
I've done these with many partners over the years and they were obsessed about me.
Good article!
Posted by: Dave | May 25, 2010 11:29 AM
Hey Susie and Otto,
Great Post! I think that these intimate conversation are absolutely necessary for sustaining our relationships. People have the tendency to get so caught up in their independent roles, that they neglect the interdependence that is necessary in sustaining their personal relationships. Questions such as the ones listed above, should be a part of their weekly schedules. Therefore, they are able to approach their relationships proactively with a sound understanding of their partner's perspective.
Posted by: Brent Blair | June 3, 2010 02:38 AM