Love and Relationship Advice Blog

One of the common complaints that we hear from couples, especially ones who have been together for many years, is this...

"We love each other but we've lost track of one another in the busy-ness of our lives. We barely talk to one another outside of the bare essentials of taking care of the kids and getting things done."

In our experience, this lack of intimate communication beyond the basics of living is what kills passion and ultimately relationships.

The TV show "Bones" star David Boreanaz recently admitted to infidelity in a People magazine interview.

Although the admission of a star's infidelity certainly isn't unusual or a surprise, Boreanaz's wife's response is.

While she didn't "blame" herself for her husband's affairs (he took full responsibility for his actions), she did admit that they led separate lives and when they were together, they were each focused on their computers and not on each other.

Is this an excuse for cheating?

Of course not but why even allow your relationship to get to this point?

So what might have prevented their relationship breakdown as well as many other couples' breakdowns who may not be dealing with cheating but rather vague feelings of distance and wanting more?

The answer is simple...

Start having intimate conversations with your partner.

(For some simple communication tips, check out the ideas in our "Communication Magic" program.)

In other words, start talking about what really matters to each other you.

Here are 5 questions that might help you get started talking again...

If you haven't been used to asking or answering questions like these, we suggest that you approach this in a playful way.

Making it "serious" and approaching it like "work" will only backfire on you.

So lighten up and have fun with this.

You might choose the best question for you to start out and just see where your asking takes you.

Remember, listening carefully and lovingly is as important or even more so as the asking.

One more thing we'll add before we give you the questions...

Don't allow yourself to get defensive no matter what.

If your partner won't answer now, says a vague "I don't know" or you don't particularly like the answer you get, just listen.

You might also share your answer with him or her just to get the ball rolling but keep blame out of it.

Okay, we've given you enough instructions--

Here are the 5 questions you might want to ask your partner or lover...

1. In order for me to be the best husband/wife/lover possible, I'm curious...

...What could I do that would make you say 12 months from now that this has been our best year together ever?

2. What are the things you'd like my help or support with right now or maybe in the future?

3. If you were to think about it for a moment, what's the one thing you'd love to ask me to do or be open to trying that you think could make our passion soar?

4. How could I become more trustable to you?

(Being trustable can be something as simple as taking the garbage cans to the street every week without a reminder or being on time when you go out together.)

5. If there's one thing we could shift , change or improve that would make us so much more loving and better as a couple, what would that be?

(Remember not to get defensive. Honestly ask from a place of wanting to improve yourself and your relationship.)

The idea is to open yourself to honest, transparent discussions that touch each of your souls and allow your love and connection to grow deeper.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If you're like most people, when conflict comes up inside you, you get "grabbed" and react automatically.

Usually this "automatic" reaction happens in a split second and even though you may not want it to happen, it does.

*We get defensive and say something mean and sarcastic that we later regret

*We feel anger boiling inside us and we have the urge to fight back

or

*We back away from conflict, shut down to protect ourselves and may physically leave the room

*We freeze and get that "deer in the headlights" look in our eyes and nothing comes out of our mouths

Or we might do a combination of any of these.

Whatever happens inside you, we're guessing that a lot of times you feel like you just don't have any control over yourself when this pattern pops up.

And to make matters worse...

You have people in your life that react either the exact opposite of you or just like you do in those instances.

Over the past couple of days, Susie attended a fabulous workshop given by Richard Strozzi-Heckler, founder of the Strozzi Institute.

During the workshop, one of the exercises Susie did with a partner revealed how they each habitually (and automatically) acted in conflict situations.

Susie and her partner at the workshop didn't "think" about their reaction beforehand--It was just as if their body, mind and actual physical body "knew" what to do when push came to shove (so to speak).

This is a very common pattern we've seen in ourselves, our relationship and in the relationships of most of the couples who work with us one on one in our relationship breakthrough coaching--and it's a pattern we'll call "Pushing--Withdrawing."

This is where one person pushes and the other person withdraws or retreats.

We don't have to tell you that t always creates distance and disconnection between the two people.

This withdrawal can be from any number of reasons but fear of not getting your needs met and not feeling safe is
always at the bottom.

In most cases, people find themselves pushing because that's how they've previously gotten their way--and they
don't feel "safe" or trust doing it any other way.

But it also can be from a mental place of trying to help the other person see his/her genius--in other words, trying to "fix" him or her.

"Pushers" may not even recognize that they are "pushing" even when we are. They might even be shocked to discover that someone else thinks of their actions as being "pushy."

In Susie's previous marriage, she found herself "pushing" her ex-husband to "feel" emotions.

She remembers when her grandfather died, trying to get her "ex" to express the feelings that she knew he must
have because they both dearly loved this man.

Susie had the sensation of "clawing" at her "ex" to get him to feel but he just shut his emotions down even more.

If you're familiar with this "pushing--withdrawing" dynamic, you probably figured out that he is the "withdrawing" type.

This was a reoccurring theme during their marriage and she never understood that her pushing him to "feel" was actually causing him to withdraw even further.

They kept doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result each time. It never happened!

So what do you do if you are pushing someone to feel or act a certain way by another?

What do you do if you are the one being pushed?

The first thing to do to unlock this stalemate is to recognize and admit that this is a dynamic that happens between of you.

Be sure and talk about it when it's not happening because you'll have a lot more success if you're not in the middle
of it.

If both of you can recognize that it does happen in the relationship, you can begin making agreements about what you'll do when it happens again. And then do that thing--like maybe make a joke about the fact that you' see yourself doing it again and then stop it.

Don't point out the other person is doing what he or she is doing unless you have that agreement.

If someone is withdrawing or retreating in a relationship, they are not feeling safe in that moment, so pushing only adds to those feelings.

The person who is withdrawing may be focusing on a past negative event or projecting negative possibilities into the current or future situations. As hard as it is to believe, they may simply be feeling too much, rather than not enough.

The situation may be overwhelming to them.

If you're the one who withdraws, you may need to ask for a little space, saying when you'll come back and talk about it again.

You can also look at how you can stay present when things get tough and not run away emotionally or physically.

If you're the one who is "pushing," you may need to learn to back off your energy a few notches so the other person feels like he or she can open to you.

If this is a problem for you, our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program is a must to help you start saying what you need to say and feel safe doing it. Learn how to say what's on your mind without causing a fight or feeling like you're giving in.

A question that you can ask each other when you're not in the throes of your "push--withdraw" dynamic is "What
does this situation remind me of?"

We've used this question when it's happened between us--and it works to focus attention inward instead of
outward at each other.

In our relationship, we've taken turns in different situations withdrawing and pushing. And when we ask the question "What does this situation remind me of?" we usually can feel in the moment a connection with something from the past that has created the conflict inside us.

It may not be a question that can be answered in the moment but it has been helpful to us to agree to come back together and talk about it later.

The most important thing is for both of you to create a way to trust and feel safe in your relationship so that
you can regain your connection more quickly.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When we are at our busiest--like when there's a lot going on with our kids, work, school, housework, making money or even when we get sick--one of the first things to go is communication.

We take shortcuts.

Most shortcuts in relationships don't work and we've got some good examples of relationship and communication shortcuts that don't work to share with you in a moment...

But first...

How about a shortcut that DOES work?

Someone emailed us today and told us that she loved our "Magic Relationship Words" book and audio program so much and got so much out of it that she made a "cheat sheet" of the magic words and phrases we offer.

Then...she put the cheat sheet with the "magic words" in her pocket so she could study the words and get to them easily in a stressful conversation or situation.

We thought that was such a great idea and one we'll suggest to everyone who gets our "Magic Relationship Words" book and audio program.

But what about communication and relationship shortcuts that DON'T work?

What relationship traps do you want to make sure you stay out of if you want your relationship or marriage to last?

Those are good questions and...

Here's a common scenario of a relationship shortcut that doesn't work...

Your life is going along pretty much on auto-pilot because you're just trying to keep all the "balls in the air" and wham...

You get broad-sided by something that brings you into an awareness of what you hadn't seen before.

Maybe it's your partner (or you) getting a little too interested in someone else.

Maybe it's a crisis with your child or with a parent.

Maybe it's a health crisis that jars you out of your unconscious patterns.

Whatever it is, it's enough to get your attention that maybe you haven't been paying enough attention to what's really important to you.

If you had a crystal ball and could look back in time, you might find that you had taken a common relationship shortcut.

Assuming that the people closest to you are mind readers.

Before you say, "I don't do that," we invite you to consider this...

If you've been together any length of time, you can start assuming that the people you love already know what's
in your heart and mind.

The problem is--they don't--just as they don't know what's truly in your heart and mind.

Even if we think we talk a lot to our partner, we may only talk "at" him or her or give just give instructions ("pick
the kids up here" or "grab some milk on your way home").

We expect that our partner should "know" that we care but as the two of us have seen over and over--

That assumption is often not enough to keep your relationship alive and growing throughout the years.

You've got to communicate to each other how you care and why--and let your partner know who you truly are.

Joan and her husband had been married for 15 years and they both felt a bit bored with their relationship if they were to be truly honest about it.

Joan's husband was an engineer and emotions were not very easy for him so he tended to ignore them.

Because Joan was often frustrated with what she perceived as his "lack of feeling" and talking about those
feelings, she gave up sharing what she felt a long time ago.

They both expected each other to be mind readers when it came to sharing what they felt for one another.

The truth is that they both felt alone and frustrated much of the time.

They had lapsed into taking shortcuts in their relating to one another.

While we recognize that some people find it easier than others to express their emotions, appreciation and love--

That's no excuse.

If you're one of those people or with a person like this, grab a copy of our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" at to help the two of you to start sharing on a deeper level of intimacy and honesty.

Even though Joan was the more verbal and emotionally aware of the two of them...

Joan saw that she had been "talking on eggshells" and not being totally honest with her feelings.

She had been holding back her love, appreciation, anger and frustration.

Her husband saw that he could lose her if he didn't learn how to start sharing more of himself with her.

He learned to take one step toward doing that by tuning into what he appreciated about her and then telling her.

It only took him a couple of minutes to do that and what a gift that was to both of them.

Joan let him know how much she loved him by texting him every now and then and also telling him what he was doing right that was bringing them closer together.

They both woke up and started consciously moving closer to one another.

So no matter what stage your relationship is in, stop taking relationship shortcuts that are harming it.

If you aren't in an intimate relationship right now, look at your other relationships and how you might be taking shortcuts in them.

Don't fall into this relationship trap.

Live in emotional honesty and expression and if you have challenges in doing that, challenge yourself to get some help and start practicing new habits that will breathe new life into your relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What's the #1 thing that women say they want from their men that would get them "in the mood" more often?

It's what we call "Passion Play All Day."

(By the way, this strategy is NOT just for men to do for women but involves both people in the relationship.)

"Passion Play All Day" goes something like this...

Doing little things throughout the day to show your partner that you care and that he or she is important to you.

It's not just about leading up to what happens in the bedroom...

The health of your relationship could depend on doing these little things and not stopping.

Yes, passion play-- all day IS that important.

Here are some ideas from what we do in our own lives to keep our relationship juicy, as well as a few suggestions from a recent survey we did...

1. A note, a text, a phone call, a few affectionate words about what you would like to do to each other when you
get together

You may say that keeping in touch throughout the day is too time-consuming and that you're too busy.

We say that this is one relationship you can't afford to ignore. Just ask anyone who's going through a separation
or divorce.

So take just a moment right now and touch base with your loved one.

2. Use kind words

Using kind words can go a long way to creating more connection and passion in a relationship.

You might say that sometimes you're tired or stressed and you just don't feel like being kind.

If that's the case, then let your partner know and go get yourself together. Then come back and connect with your loved one.

If you want some words and phrases to say that will help each of you stay open when you have tough things to say to each other (and you're afraid they might not come out as kind or loving)...

3. An unexpected, soft kiss on the back of the neck

The women in our survey told us they loved this kind of kiss but we've found that men react just as much to this kind of kiss as women do.

The trick is that it's unexpected.

Now of course you have to "read" your partner and if he or she is deeply engrossed in a project and you know that this kind of distraction is not appreciated, don't do it then.

Do it as you pass in the hall or in the bathroom.

The point is to show affection with no agenda in mind except to convey that he or she is important to you and you love being that close.

4. Spend time together and make eye contact

Spending time alone together is often the first thing to go when your life becomes stressed and over-whelming.

But if you want to keep your relationship alive and growing--this is "must."

Even if it's 15 minutes of sharing what happened during your day and making eye contact while you talk and listen to your partner...

Take that 15 minutes and make the most of it.

Take a walk around the block--just the two of you.

Hold hands and look at each other while you do it.

It doesn't take long--not as long as it takes to go on Facebook, watch a tv program or check the scores of your favorite teams.

These are just a few ideas for doing "Passion Play All Day" and if you have more you'd like to tell us about, be sure to write to us!

Yes, your relationship is that important.

Be sure to treat it like it is.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)