Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Last night we saw the 2010 remake of the movie "Death at a Funeral" and laughed harder than we've laughed in a long time.

We recognize that it didn't get very good reviews but we loved it!

In the middle of all the silly, outlandish situations, there was some solid relationship advice for people--if you just looked hard enough.

Without spoiling the movie for you, we'll just say that most of us can relate at least somewhat with the family strife, discord, grudges and misunderstandings that we saw portrayed in the film.

Brother jealous of more successful brother, mother favoring one son over another, wife feeling not approved of by mother-in-law, father not approving of daughter's choice in men--all pretty common themes that run in "real" families, as well as this fictional family.

In the film, the family finally began to resolve their differences when several of the characters decided to change.

We loved the description of "change" from a book we've been reading--Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard.

The authors Chip and Dan Heath say that "someone has to start acting differently" for there to be change.

And in "Death at a Funeral" as in our lives--somebody has to decide that it's time to act differently if change is to happen.

Here are a few ideas about how to act differently so change happens in your relationships...

1. Change the situation.

You can stop doing something or start doing something new that will change a situation for the better. Let's say you know that you need to pay more attention to a loved one--maybe rearrange your schedule to include some time with this person. Making a change in your situation that you know you need to make but haven't done so up until now can certainly get you out of a destructive relationship loop.

2. Change the way you think about a situation.

Changing the way you think about a situation is a powerful way to create ease and change in your life. Let's say that you have been clinging to a relationship that maybe was once close and now it's not--but you keep arguing with the reality of what is. Accepting that the two of you have changed and maybe want two different things out of life is a healthy step in creating some ease in the situation.

Looking honestly at "what is" can get rid of unreal expectations that create all kinds of misunderstandings and upsets.

3. Change what you tell others about the situation.

Watch the words you use to describe your problem. Stop telling and re-telling grudges and grievances you have against this person to other people. It's amazing what can happen when you stop repeating what's wrong with your relationships and just talk about what's right.

Often, when you're in a defeating loop in your relationships, you can't see how anything can change. But change is possible if you just decide to simply act differently.

We invite you this week to look at your relationships and where you might act differently to create changes for the better!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Since we started our Relationship Breakthrough work with people like you almost 12 years ago...

One of the biggest questions people (sometimes secretly and privately) are living with is the question...

"Should I Stay or Should I Go? "

Even women and men who are in otherwise good relationships have had this question of whether to stay or go roll through their minds more than once.

We have.

We hope this doesn't offend you to hear us say this
but...

We think it's normal to explore this question.

In fact, we think some people are in relationships or marriages who really should honestly consider whether it's best for them to stay together or not.

Look at it as a "wake up" call.

What we've found about relationships and marriages is we have ALL had "wake-up" calls that tell us we'd better do something to work on THIS relationship or else it could be too late.

Very often...

We get in a groove when it comes to how we relate to our partner and often, we don't change it until it's too late.

Since Otto started his "Light Her Up" newsletter for MEN, he's been hearing some truly honest, heartfelt and insightful observations from both women and men about relationships.

Otto's newsletter is just for men but there are some women eavesdropping on the conversation going on in his newsletter and...

Here's what one woman said in response to his latest newsletter...

"It would be nice if more men and women would step back and look at their situation outside of the box."

We completely agree.

Too often we hear from both men and women that they found out what they were doing wrong in their relationship--but it was too late. Their partner had moved on.

Up until it was too late, they never looked "outside the box" of their relationship.

Looking back, they could "see" what had gone wrong but they were helpless to do anything about it at that point.

As the old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20--especially when it comes to your relationships.

Take Sherry and Brian...

Like so many couples, they were so busy, especially after they had kids, that when it came to spending time together by themselves, it was the last thing on their lists of "things to do."

It wasn't that they didn't love each other. They did.

Life was just too crazy to fit in yet another thing!

But in the process, they stopped really talking and listening to one another beyond "Who's picking up the kids?" or "Who's doing the grocery shopping?"

They had created their "relationship box" to be filled with distance, short conversations and the occasional blow-up about finances.

Sherry couldn't understand Brian's lack of concern about paying the bills on time and making sure there was money in their account when they did.

Brian couldn't understand what he called Sherry's stinginess.

They didn't take the time or feel the urgency to step out of their habitual ways of seeing their situation to find a mutual solution--until it was almost too late.

It wasn't until they almost lost their relationship that they "woke" up, stepped back and looked "outside the box" for how to work together as a team and not as two people who were in competition with one another and trying to
prove the other one wrong.

Sherry and Brian got their wake up call and did something about it.

Whatever stage your relationship is in, start stepping back, taking a bird's eye view of your relationship and start thinking outside the box.

Since we all are in relationships of some kind or another, we urge you to do the same if you're single.

Looking at your situation as an outsider can open doors to finding solutions to difficulties that you might be missing
because you're too close to it.

Something as simple as being curious as to why your partner said or did something that triggered you--instead of instantly blaming and belittling him or her can make all the difference to the health of your relationship.

Just the other day, a client told Susie the she had stopped a jealousy attack by backing up, taking a breath, and asking a question from curiosity rather than picking a fight.

We invite you to think outside the box when it comes to your relationships with your loved ones.

Consider curiosity instead of criticism.

Consider an open heart instead an attack .

Consider pointing the finger inward instead of outward.

Consider going on a "no-blame" diet.

Consider treating each other how you would treat a best friend (only better in certain ways).

Consider "flirting" with each other more of the time.

Consider spending a little more time together.

Try any one of these things and you may really be surprised by what you create in your relationship or marriage if you do!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We've all heard the phrase "love is blind" but a new study says that so is the jealous person.

If you're jealous, you're well-familiar with this scenario...

You and your partner are enjoying a nice dinner out (even though you're watching the room for where the attractive people are) and it happens.

Instead of looking at you, your partner looks in the direction of an attractive man or woman--and you get thrown into a tail-spin. Even though the dinner might have been good up until that moment--your partner's looking or flirting is all you can think of.

Your fearful thoughts are all-consuming and you end up fighting and ruining a perfectly enjoyable evening.

If you've felt this way, you aren't alone.

In fact, some new jealousy research suggests that jealous women who are already suspicious are blinded by their intense emotions when their partner checks out other women.

In other words, when a woman's jealous emotions (men weren't tested in this study) are heightened, they see little else than what frightens them and what they fear.

Researcher Steven Most says...

"When an emotional stimulus appears, it draws attention to itself - and thus draws attention away from other things that come immediately afterwards. When attention is preoccupied in such a way, we tend to miss the thing that appears right in front of our eyes."

If you have heightened anxiety, your emotions can actually create "tunnel vision" and you see little else than what you fear.

Does that mean your suspicions whenever your partner looks are all in your head?

Of course not--but your emotions and predisposition to jealousy make it worse.

If you want to get control of your jealousy and actually SEE what's happening without your emotions clouding your vision, start doing some things to calm your anxiety.

Here are a few...

1. Breathe

We can't say it strongly enough--breathe and keep breathing no matter what.

2. Ground

When jealous emotions hit, pull your energy into your center (below your belly button), breathe, and then send your fear into the ground.

3. Change your story

Change your thoughts to ones that are true and more positive in nature about your partner. Instead of constantly worrying about your partner leaving you for someone else, think of what's going right in your relationship.

If you calm yourself down, you'll be able to really see what's there and if you have anything to worry about--without looking through the lens of jealousy.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you want to light up your woman...

It's going to be really important to tell her and show her that you want to light her up.

No...

You're NOT going to go up to your woman next time you see her and say something ridiculous like...

"I want to light you up..."

That probably wont help.

What you do want to do is NOT make it a mystery that she's important to you and you want her--really want her.

If your relationship is like most relationships today..

She wants desperately to feel you and when she cant feel you and your love she will do all kinds of bizarre things to try to get you to show her that you want her and she's important to you.

Question From A Reader...

How can I create more intimacy/passion between myself and my woman without making it seem obvious?

My Answer...

First of all I commend you for wanting to create more intimacy and passion in your relationship with your woman.

This is great because not only are you acknowledging that you want more...

It's showing you that you're different than most guys in that most guys don't want to do anything when they first notice that passion is starting to fade way.

They might notice it but do do anything about it.

Again, it's great that you're not doing that.

The challenge I have with what you are asking is the part where you are wanting to "not make it obvious that you are trying to create more intimacy between you and your woman.

What I do and what other men do who go for what they want is this..

1. Notice

2. Decide and

3. Communicate

I "notice" what's going on...

I decide if it's what I want and...

If it's not what I want--I communicate it to my woman (or whoever I want things to be different with)

Notice I didn't say I made demands.

I didn't say that I would tell her "it has to be this way."

In other words, when I want more from my woman and I want more from my life..

I don't pretend it's not important and I don't try to be "stealth" about it and try to figure out how to get more from my woman and my relationship without her knowing it.

If I want more intimacy from my woman and what I'm going to suggest that our friend who asked this question do is ...

Make it obvious what you want.

Tell her "I'd love to have more of you"

Tell her..

I really want more intimacy from you.

Ask her...

"Would you be interested in spending some alone time together this weekend?

If you're the kind of guy that has trouble saying what's on your mind to your partner, spouse or lover then I highly recommend that you download a copy of the "Stop Talking On Eggshells" program I created with my wife Susie.

This is huge because...

In relationships "covert" doesn't work in lighting up your woman.

Make it obvious what's important to you and what you want.

Don't hide from what you want.

You can't get what you want if you don't identify it and you don't go for it.

Be clear about what you want.

First with yourself and then with your woman.

Your relationship and your life will be much better when you do.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yesterday, a woman wrote to us and told us that she didn't want her boyfriend to see that she was getting information about jealousy so she didn't want any more of our jealousy tips.

While we certainly don't take it personally when a person decides they don't want to get our emails any longer...

In this case, we couldn't help sharing a few observations and mistakes she's making that may help and encourage you to keep moving in the direction of a jealousy-free life.

If jealousy is a problem for you in your relationship or marriage...

We HIGHLY recommend you attend this special online class we're doing next week...

This special one-time only class is called ....

"Discover The Jealousy Cure"

It will run about 70 minutes and you can listen by phone or in front of your computer from anywhere in the world.

This is for ANYONE who wants to take know the secrets to getting rid of jealousy forever.

Learn more or sign up here... "Discover the Jealousy Cure"

To give you a sneak peak at what we'll be covering in next week's class, here are 3 jealousy mistakes to avoid right now...

Mistake #1-- Trying to hide your jealousy

Even though you might think no one knows you're jealous and you think you're doing a pretty good job hiding it, it's usually pretty obvious, especially to your partner-so trying to hide it is useless and can really back-fire on you.

Does that mean you go around announcing it to everyone, especially your partner, when it comes up for you?

Of course not.

But it's important for you to acknowledge it to yourself that you need help in stopping your jealous thoughts and behavior--and not shove your feelings under the rug, hoping no one sees the evidence of your jealousy.

We've talked to many people with jealousy issues and the partner always can tell when a jealousy episode comes up.

Maybe you tighten up your face or pull back physically. Maybe you stop breathing and the fear on your face is plain for everyone to see.

Trying to hide your jealousy can back-fire on you because in trying to hide it, you are actually becoming more distant from your partner and pushing him or her away.

What you fear happening--your partner leaving you--may end up happening, not because of what you fear but because of YOUR actions to avoid it.

We're guessing that's not what you want, right?

While you don't want to become a broken record about this issue...

It may be helpful for you to talk to your partner about it (if he or she is open to it) and work out some ways that he or she can support you when jealousy happens.

If you do this and you know that your partner isn't really doing anything terribly wrong that should cause your jealousy (your jealousy came up because of what you fear will happen in the future--for example, he or she will leave--and not that you caught him or her cheating or have strong suspicions of it)...

Make sure to not get hung up on blame but rather approach your discussion with what you are willing to do to help yourself and especially what your partner might do to help you.

The point is--deal with it--don't try to hide it.

Mistake #2--Pretending to yourself that your jealousy problem will go away by itself.

It won't.

If jealous thoughts and behaviors come up, they are simply your bigger self trying to get your attention.

You need to either heal some thought, belief or situation that happened in your past or something that is actually happening right now that you need to look at objectively and deal with it.

If you try to push down jealous feelings and not deal with them, they will only come out in other ways--like inappropriate anger at something that has nothing to do with the event that triggered your jealousy.

Believe us when we say, the straightest route to stopping jealous thoughts and behavior is NOT pretending that if you ignore it, it will go away.

It will only get bigger.

Mistake #3--Not getting the help you need to stop your jealousy.

In our work with people who have a challenge with jealousy, one of the biggest feelings is shame.

They are ashamed and embarrassed that they are jealous and look at it as an affliction that they shouldn't have and that they need to hide it.

Susie certainly felt this way when she was going through her jealousy challenge years ago!

If this describes you, do a mind switch right now and say to yourself something like this...

"Okay, so I'm jealous. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I can heal it."

Just like any change you want to make in your life, you need some help doing it.

We all need help making changes and it certainly doesn't make you a "bad" or "weak" person if you can't stop being jealous on your own.

In fact, not asking for help might be considered "weak."

So, if you're struggling with jealousy, get help and get committed to making the small changes that will help you become jealousy-free.

It's doable--and we urge you to start right now!

If you want more of our help in stopping the jealousy in your relationship and life...

Be sure to attend the special "Discover The Jealousy Cure" class we're doing next week that we mentioned earlier in this email

We also offer some other great resources for overcoming jealousy.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)