Love and Relationship Advice Blog

When your partner's cheated on you, you go through so many emotions from anger and rage to sadness and grief to disbelief that this could be happening in your relationship.

After the dust settles, assuming that your partner is sorry and wants to come back to you--there's something else that arises that may not have been there before...

Jealousy

And not only jealousy of the "other man" or "other woman," but also anyone who you think your partner might be attracted to from the server at a restaurant to good-looking actors or actresses on television.

This jealousy can become all-consuming and tear your world apart as if it could get any worse after an affair has been discovered.

Rebuilding trust after an affair is difficult enough and when you add the stress jealousy puts on a relationship, it's nearly impossible for it to happen.

But it doesn't have to be that way...

A week or so ago, we talked to a woman who had been cheated on by her husband and she was battling jealousy.

One thing she and her husband had going for them and why they have a better chance of regaining trust in their relationship is something so simple but not many people do it in similar situations...

This woman told us that her husband had stopped the "other" relationship and had told her that he wants their relationship to work--and he was showing signs that he meant it. He was paying more attention to her than he had in several years.

She said that although she had bouts of jealousy, she knew that focusing on the "other woman" wouldn't get her anywhere.

She knew that focusing on her relationship with her husband instead of what he did and with whom he did it would give their marriage the chance it needed for them to find love again with each other.

Difficult?

Sure--but the alternative of focusing on what she didn't want (her husband's relationship with another woman) was even more difficult because it kept her in a swirl of anger, doubt and fear.

By focusing on her marriage and what she wanted to have with her husband, she's not ignoring or justifying what he did but rather moving toward what she wants.

If you want to learn more about how jealousy works and how to "cure" it, tune into our new webcast and teleseminar "Discover the Jealousy Cure" on April 7, 2010.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Announcing:

Otto's new website for MEN who want relationship and marriage tips and advice is now open... http://www.LightHerUp.com

Discover How To Light Up Your Woman and Keep Your Relationship or Marriage Hot, Fresh, Sexy and Alive...No Matter How Long You've Been Together...

Get FREE instant access to Otto's Special Report: "10 Keys To Lighting Up Your Woman" when you sign up for his FREE LightHerUp.com E-Newsletter

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In the movies, on TV, in plays and in novels, they're called "plot points..."

These are the points in a story where everything is going along in one direction and one thing (usually unexpected) happens and then everything shifts, changes and typically goes off in a whole different direction.

We have these in our lives too.

Most of us can look back and find moments in time when we made decisions that changed the course of our lives.

For us, one of these times happened when we made a 1 minute decision back in 1997 that saved our relationship.

Whether you're consciously aware of them or not...

If you take a real good look back through your life, we're sure that there have been plenty of moments where you can look back at a given moment and be able to say "that changed everything."

These moments might be the "big" decisions you made-- to take a certain job, buy a house, move from your home town, get married, have a baby, get divorced...

Or they might be the "private" decisions you made like stopping a destructive habit like smoking or starting a new habit like an exercise program that brought you closer to what you wanted your life experience to be.

Some of these "decisions" might have been made for you--maybe your partner decided to leave your relationship or there was a death in your family that created massive changes in your life.

Whatever happened in these moments that caused you to make the decisions you did--nothing happened until you took some action to support that decision.

And you had to keep taking action in that direction for true changes to happen in your life.

But if you never had taken that first step of making the decision, things probably would have stayed the same.

So, what about that 1 minute decision we just mentioned that saved our relationship?

Here's what happened and how you can apply our lessons to your relationship and life...

When the two of us first got together, we had just come out of long-term marriages.

We each knew that we wanted a different kind of relationship and had some ideas about what that might look like--but we really didn't have any idea how to create it.

So armed with our lofty ideas, we started our relationship.

But a funny thing happened along the way...

The "habits" that helped kill our previous relationships popped right back up in this one!

Even though Susie felt that Otto was the love of her life, she still fell into an old habit of being critical and using sarcasm that put him down.

Otto found himself falling into his old habit of agreeing to keep the peace until he blew up.

Guess what?

If we had not made the decisions we did, our "soulmate" relationship would have ended long before now just as
our previous marriages ended.

Our 1 minute decisions went like this...

Otto decided he had to start saying what was in his mind and heart even if it destroyed our relationship.

That's right.

Otto made the decision that he would no longer hold back what was on his mind like he did before.

He knew that if he did this again, he would die inside just as he did in his previous relationship.

When Otto called Susie's attention to what she was doing, Susie saw that her criticism and sarcasm was a death
sentence for our relationship--and a cover-up for not speaking her truth.

The two of us, in that moment, decided that we had to be honest with one another--without the coping mechanisms and ways of manipulation that we had used in our previous relationships.

Otherwise we wouldn't make it. And we knew it.

One of the things we just described is one of the biggest challenges in relationships.

In can destroy a relationship or marriage and the worst part about it is... we don't even know it.

We call this "talking on eggshells" and this is when we tip-toe around important things on our minds, gloss over old hurts, make things seem unimportant when they really are--all just to try to keep the peace, to get along and not make waves.

As a relationship strategy, many people think that holding back, not speaking their truth and not wanting to rock the boat is easier and leads to better relationships.

It doesn't.

You see...

What we figured out was that in order for us to keep the passion and love that we have had for each other since 1997 going strong, we had to act on our decisions--and keep acting in ways that support them every day.

So what about you?

What decision can you make right now that you know will have a positive effect on an important relationship in your life?

What actions can you begin taking that would support that decision?

What can you do that would be a "plot point" for you and your relationship and change everything for the better?

Our advice to you is to make your decisions consciously and don't allow them to be made for you or made by default.

Make decisions that will take you closer to what you want and see how your life changes for the better!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a time machine to be able to turn back the clock to make the changes that might cause things to turn out a little (or a lot) differently?

These are the "woulda," "coulda," "shoulda's" that most of us carry around with us to some degree or the other.

So if you could go back in time, what would you do differently?

One woman told us that she should have talked to her partner before she left the relationship--to see if they could work out their issues. She's now in this agonizing place of living with the "shoulda's"--still trying to decide if she did the "right" thing by leaving.

A man said that he and his wife would have more passion in their relationship if only they had more time outside of work and caring for extended family members.

Another woman told us that when she and her husband disagree or he feels "stepped on" for some reason, they get into a communication pattern they can't get out of. He reacts angrily, she responds that she feels hurt and he gets silent.

He says enough has been said and she feels even more hurt. She said that an issue that could have been resolved in a matter of minutes will take a day or more to resolve--if at all.

Along with these people--we're guessing that there are some woulda, coulda, and shoulda's that you have about previous relationships or one or more relationships you are currently in.

Take a moment right now and write some of these down on paper.

You might have written down on your list that you wished you would have communicated better or could better share what's in your heart.

Maybe you wrote that you should have done something that you didn't do or you shouldn't have done something that you did.

Whatever it is that you regret...

It is actually a gift to you and here's why...

You have the power to make the change that you would have liked to have made--right in this present moment.

Maybe you can't change anything about the previous relationship but you do have the power to make changes in the relationships you are in right now.

It might be something as simple as using a few of our "Magic Words" to open the door for your partner to open more to you instead of the two of you reacting the way you normally react to each other.

So, how about the woman we talked about earlier whose husband goes silent after lashing out at her when they disagree or he feels "stepped on"?

If she wants to keep the conversation open so she and her husband can start to understand one another, she can take a deep breath when she's triggered--consider what he just said and search inside whether there's any truth to what he said--any truth at all.

Sometimes we get so caught up in being right that we don't listen to the other person which closes the conversation down and keeps the argument going.

We do this because we don't feel "heard" ourselves.

But the problem is that if we continue holding onto being "right" and not wanting to be the first one to let our defenses down, we push each other further away.

Like this woman, we feel justified in the moment--but later we think we should have done it differently.

If she can find any truth at all to what he said--like maybe he might feel "stepped on" because of how she acted or what she said...

She can say these "Magic Words".to him that we'll offer here..

"I can see how you might feel that way"

...And by simply acknowledging that he might be feeling that way, he may get the idea that she really is listening to him. He just might keep talking instead of going silent.

We're in no way "blaming" this woman (or you for that matter) for the communication challenge she finds herself in.

But if there's any sense of longing or regret, wishing that things could be different, it's worth a try to look at them from a different point of view.

It's this kind of Magic Word phrase that has been important in keeping our relationship close and connected over the years--with far fewer "woulda," "coulda," and "shoulda's."

Our invitation to you is to avoid these kinds of regrets by making some small or not so small changes right now--and see what happens!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If there's one thing that can create havoc in your relationships, it's falling into hidden relationship traps.

And if you stay in those traps for long periods of time or just keep falling in them and you can't figure out why or how...

Your relationship can end up feeling empty and could even end.

We were reminded of these sneaky, hidden relationship traps as we watched the 2010 Winter Olympics over the past two weeks.

During one downhill skiing competition, there was one place in the course that seemed to cause several of the competitors to get off balance, lose time and some fell.

It was a problem for many skiers because this irregular rut (as some commentators called it) in the course came up by surprise.

They weren't aware of it until it was too late.

What was clear was that those who skied the best times in this event, had completely avoided this area during their run.

So it is with those sneaky, hidden relationship traps.

The couples who don't fall into them have happier relationships than those who do.

These traps are sneaky and hidden because like the problem on the ski slope, we don't see them coming before we fall right into them.

And then while we're in these traps, we often can't even see that we're in them, let alone find a way to get out.

Usually something happens to bring us out--but sometimes not.

Sometimes the issues never get resolved. We just get busy with something else and the issue is buried, only to come back up at a later time.

Now, of course, we all fall into these traps every now and then because we're human (and they can be different for everyone).

But the happiest couples don't stay there when they do and they figure out ways to not fall in them very often.

For them, quickly getting out of these traps becomes a habit---or avoiding them altogether.

So what are these traps?

Here are 3 common sneaky, hidden relationship traps that we've certainly fallen into and we're guessing you or your partner have too...

1. The "Defending" Trap

Defending comes so natural and easy to so many of us when we think...

*we haven't been treated fairly
*we haven't been understood
*we're afraid we won't get our way
*we're not appreciated
*someone thinks differently than we think
*we think we're right and the other person is wrong

Defense rises inside us so quickly we don't even have time to recognize it before we've said or done something that pushes the other person further away.

That's why we call it sneaky and hidden.

Our defending seems to come from someplace deep inside and we don't in any way feel in control of it.

If defending is a pattern for you and you want to stop it (or at least slow it down), start recognizing what you do
when you get hooked and then breathe.

It might mean that your stomach, jaw or neck tightens, you feel yourself want to fight or the opposite--run away, and you may stop breathing.

Taking a breath will allow some space for conscious action instead of unconscious action from habit.

2. The "Blame" Trap

How easy it is to blame the other person for something you see as a problem!

And if we don't blame the other person, we blame ourselves--and continue to blame ourselves.

The Blame Trap is sneaky because, again, we can fall into it easily, automatically and without conscious thought.

We easily fall into it because it's usually such an old pattern inside us that we don't even know we've fallen into it even after we have.

An example of the Blame Trap is when you find yourself saying "you never..." or "you always..."

Instead of "you never" or "you always," you might use a phrase like "I'm wondering if you'd be willing to talk about_____?"--even after you've caught yourself in the blame trap.

You can find more what we call "Magic Relationship Words" to help you climb out of this trap.

3. The "Taking Your Partner for Granted" Trap

This trap is an easy one to fall into after you've been together for awhile.

It's sneaky and hidden because many of us slide right into it without thinking.

It's easy to say things to your partner that you would never say to anyone else because the other person would be "hurt" and maybe take it wrong--and your partner supposedly wouldn't.

Yeah, right!

Somehow, there's a rationalization that after you've committed to one another, you can speak to each other any way you want or ignore what your partner does that's "right" in favor of pointing out what's wrong.

When you fall into this trap--and it becomes a habit--your connection, love and respect for one another starts to erode.

If you've seen yourself fall into this trap, make a conscious effort to turn it around and act in ways that build your relationship instead of tearing it down.

The point is to see where and how you fall into any of these traps, as well as when the situation shows up.

Then take a deep breath to stop you from automatically reacting in old ways.

Give yourself the space to make another, more empowering choice.

You can learn to avoid these hidden relationship traps.

If you want more love in your life and relationships, this week, we invite you to experiment with some of these ideas.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)