Elin's Advice: The Apology is about Behavior not the Words.
It's been all over the national news and the internet yesterday and in case you missed it...
Tiger Woods broke his silence about his infidelity that's been in the news for the last several months.
Although you may be tired of hearing about his affairs and cheating, what his wife Elin told him is certainly worth paying attention to.
According to Tiger during his message to the world, his wife Elin told him that his real apology will not come in words but in his behavior over time.
This is very, very good advice for anyone who is dealing with a similar situation--or for that matter any time we have wronged another person for any reason.
Elin is essentially saying to Tiger that it's going to take time to prove to her that he is trustable or not!
(And it certainly seems that she's still deciding whether to stay or go!)
An apology in words only that is not followed up by trustable actions over time is worthless.
WOW, what a great insight and excellent advice.
Elin's words are also good advice where trust has been violated in other ways.
Recently, we had a message from a woman who told us that she had snooped in her husband's email (he hasn't been cheating on her) and he found out.
She apologized but he lost trust in her.
She realized that because of her suspicions, he wasn't the one who was untrustable--she was.
Now of course, sometimes it does pay to snoop--there are concrete reasons for your suspicions--but in some cases, it can certainly harm a relationship.
The point is that this woman realized that she had to be DOING certain things (or in her case NOT doing the snooping) to prove that she is trustable.
If there's been cheating, the other relationship (or in Tiger's case, other relationships) has to clearly end before trust can be built.
There have to be clear guidelines as to what being trustable means. If you're the one who has been cheated on, you have to come up with those guidelines. And your partner has to agree to them.
The catch is that if your partner is doing what the two of you have agreed being trustable means, as the one who was cheated on, you have to stop bringing up your pain even though it's more than likely still there and maybe overwhelming at times.
In order to give your relationship a chance, if he or she is DOING instead of simply saying the apology, you have to stop the punishment.
If your world has been totally turned upside down because of infidelity, we know that it's easier said than done to quit punishing your partner or even yourself.
Our advice--Figure out what being trustable means, agree to behaviors that create trust, take it slow and watch what happens.
We don't know about Tiger's and Elin's future together (probably pretty dismal) but we do know that trust can be rebuilt if both people want to create the same kind of relationship and future together.
Comments
Hello, this is my first time visiting your site and I wanted to let you knwo I feel your writing is very refreshing. I can appreciate your honesty and personal experience that is apparent in your post. Thanks for posting such enlightening and entertaining information.
Posted by: Miggy | February 20, 2010 05:19 PM
Susie and Otto, this post certainly reminded me of the time when I was finding it difficult to trust my fiancee. Owing to my ill health, he found it difficult to commit to our relationship. I think what he experienced was human and natural, nevertheless, it would hurt me a lot. We are past that stage now, however, it was difficult to learn to trust again. Ofcourse, infidelity is a much greater issue and cannot be compared to what I had been through. Thank you for such an insightful article.
Posted by: Sweetness | February 20, 2010 11:02 PM
Uhm.. It's a disgrace what has happened to Tiger but you still have to respect him as a sports man. Just because he is a remarkable athlete doesn't mean you have to like him as a individual! There are tons of people who I respect for their work but wouldn't want to meet them!
Posted by: baby photographer | May 10, 2010 07:20 AM