A Valuable Relationship Lesson from Meredith Baxter...
Today, former "Family Ties" star Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. She apparently came out today because she wanted to beat the tabloids and tell her story in her own words. Unlike Tiger Woods, she's trying to beat the gossip mongers and be totally honest about what's been going on in her life for 7 years.
What we were struck by was not her admission to being gay but rather what she said about what she learned about herself.
She said this...
"I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships...Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker, which I was indeed, but I also was involved with people who made me think, 'OH, THEY'RE THE PROBLEM,' because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, 'OH, IT'S ME'."
Meredith learned "Oh, it's me."
What a powerful lesson that has nothing to do with being gay, straight, single or in a relationship.
And it has nothing to do with placing blame.
It has to do with looking at what you truly want in life and in your relationships.
So many times, we spend our lives going against the essence of who we truly are--and are pretty unhappy doing it.
We choose to be with certain people out of guilt and "shoulds." We try to change that other person into who he or she doesn't want to be or try to change yourself into something you aren't.
And it never works.
We push against and we manipulate but we don't stop ourselves and ask, "Is this what I truly want in my life."
How powerful to stop looking outside yourself for someone to blame and take a look at who you really are and what you want!
If you're unhappy in your relationship and there are serious communication and trust problems, here are a few ways to start looking at what you DO want in your life...
1. Stop yourself when you are tempted to fix, manipulate or change your partner if he or she doesn't really want to change. Stop doing what you normally do (you can always choose to go back to doing it if you want) and notice what you do to either make your partner who you want him or her to be or what you do to change yourself from who you really are to fit in or be loved. Get honest and just notice.
2. Start making a list when you get triggered, writing down what upsets you. Simply write it down with no justification or blame. You are the reporter right now so just take notes on what you are feeling.
3. Make a list of what brings your joy and makes you happy. Write down specific events--small or large--that fill you with excitement and juice.
4. From these lists, write a story about who the "real you" is. Sit with a friend, therapist or coach to help you sort it all out if you need some help.
Once you have this clear picture, your next steps will be made clear. Your world may turn upside down as we suspect Meredith Baxter's was when she discovered she was gay or it may not be that extreme. You may just be able to create more peace, happiness or whatever it is you want in your life.
If you're dissatisfied with your relationships, we invite you to discover what Meredith Baxter said of herself, "Oh, it's me," and take a step toward creating the life and relationships that you want.
