Love and Relationship Advice Blog

2010 is almost here AND we have a lot to say about new year's goals and resolutions and here's why...

If you're like us you've been mulling over your goals, dreams and plans for having the best year ever in 2010 and beyond.

We've got some new things we're going to be telling you about soon but...

As we've been thinking about New Year's and beyond here's something that shocked us...

We recently saw a list of the 5 top topics that people create goals around for the new year, and it didn't come as much of a surprise that weight loss was at the top of that list.

But what we thought was weird was that "relationships" wasn't even on that list.

With all the hub bub this year about cheating and infidelity (and we know this hasn't ONLY happened this year)--

In our opinion, there is NOTHING more important than your relationships.

The reason we say this isn't just because we're relationship coaches and we spend most of our time thinking and writing about relationships...

It's much more than that...

It's that if you think about it, everything we do or try to do in life is either about, includes or requires the help of a relationship of some kind.

If you are a parent (or have parents), that's a relationship.

If you work anywhere, you must develop relationships to be successful in your job.

Governments must form relationships with other government organizations in order to be effective and in harmony with one another.

Even something like an engine in a car must have a "relationship" with the other parts of the car in order to work effectively and efficiently to provide transportation for the owner and passengers of the car.

In our way of looking at things, if you're going to have something, why not go for the best?

When it comes to your relationships, if you want them to be better than what you have right now, one of the best ways is to continually find ways of improving them--and that starts with intentions and then setting some goals.

In case you're like us and haven't written your goals or resolutions for 2010 (or even if you never do it), we would encourage you to include some goals about your relationships.

To help, we're offering you a few ideas about how you can create growing, more loving, more deeply connected relationships in the new year.

Here are a few ways that have worked for us to keep our relationship close, connected and growing--and we offer them to you...(they'll work for any type of relationship)

1. Forget about it.

Forget about what happened last year. It's done. It's over. If you feel like you need resolution about something that was said or that happened, talk to the other person. If you don't get the resolution that you want, don't carry it into the new year. Forgive yourself or the other person.

Does that mean you allow yourself to be used or abused in any way. Of course not!

All we are saying is that unresolved grievances may hurt you more than the other person--or more than you realize.

2. Set some relationship goals.

Think about what you'd like more of in 2010 in your relationship.

No matter what type of relationship--take some time together and talk about what you want and some ways that you could practice that would bring you closer to having it.

For instance, one of our relationship goals for 2010 is having more fun together.

One of the ways we could practice is to keep a list of what "having fun" means to each of us and then do one or more of those things every week--even if it means going to a movie we both like.

3. Increase the amount of time you spend in bed--both sleeping and making love.

Statistics show that most of us don't get enough sleep--and relationships can certainly suffer if you don't. If you aren't sleeping very well, begin some type of meditation or relaxation program.

There are plenty of resources out there that can help.

If you are with an intimate partner, we suggest that you spend more time making love--from a connected space.

If you don't feel connected, make it a practice to feel close and connected before love making.

Talk about how the two of you can increase intimate feelings in your relationship from a place of fun and curiosity rather than blame and accusations.

4. Make your relationships a bigger priority.

Most of us lead very busy lives and we tend to put most everything ahead of maintaining and growing our relationships, especially the intimate one.

We've said this many, many times but the idea bears repeating. People can very easily get "lost" from one another if they don't keep coming back to revitalizing their relationship.

Committing to doing one simple thing like having a meal together once a day--or even one day a week--and talking together can make a big difference in a relationship.

5. Do something different.

Doing something different and varying from your routine helps you to expand and grow.

Doing something different--something that excites both of you-can help your relationship to come alive.

Some friends of ours went salsa dancing on New Year's Eve last year. This is the first time in a long while that they had celebrated this holiday away from home--so it was very different for them.

They told us that although they were terrible at salsa dancing, they laughed and had a lot of fun.

We suggest that you try something different that would be nourishing for your relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

We're right in the middle of the holiday season here in the USA and many other parts of the world and not only do we want to wish you a happy holiday...

But we also want to give you something else...

We want to give you a friendly relationship challenge.

We'll get to the challenge in a moment but first we'd like you to go to this web page and download a copy of the "Magic Relationship Words" you're going to need to have for the best holiday season ever.

Imagine having over 100 words, phrases and sentence-starters that virtually guarantee that you say it right EVERY time in every situation with your partner, spouse or lover--

Especially here at the holidays...

You'll want to make sure there aren't any conflicts that last forever, stonewalling or nasty arguments.

Now for the friendly relationship challenge for you...

If you do this, we think your holidays just could be the best ever.

It will only take a couple of moments...

Here goes...

As you go about your days this holiday season, we challenge you to be an uplifter and a "bringer of joy" instead of the opposite--a bringer of blame, criticism, sarcasm, resentment, irritation, anger and disconnection.

Sometimes easier said than done, we know!

You might be tired and stressed from the hassle of all the preparations for the holidays--buying and wrapping gifts, decorating your home, extra cooking, entertaining, coming up with hostess gifts for parties you attend (that maybe you don't even want to go to)--plus keeping up with your job, regular chores like grocery shopping and getting the kids to their activities.

So the last thing you want to think about is putting on a smiley face and being an "uplifter" and a "bringer of joy."

You might be telling us...

Hey, I'm doing the best I can do to just get through every thing I have to do--and now you're telling me to do something else!

Well--that's the challenge.

Several years ago, one of Susie's best friends learned a great lesson about this challenge.

At the holidays, her entire family descended on her every year--a week before Christmas and stayed until New Year's.

At the time, she was working full-time at a very stressful job that included lots of travel and although she loved her family, she looked on their visit as one more stressful thing in her life.

She said that she found herself staying in the kitchen most of their visit, concentrating on preparing and serving meals--and then cleaning up afterwards.

She realized that she had almost no meaningful interaction with her family because her mind was constantly on the next meal she was going to serve--and not on connecting with them.

For many years, she missed being with her family, even though they were right there in her home for several days!

But one holiday, she woke up to what she had been missing.

She stopped and started interacting with the people she loved most in the world.

She allowed other people to help prepare meals and clean up. She didn't try to do it all herself.

She played with her grand kids.

And she hasn't turned back.

So how about your life right now?

Could you take a moment right now and take our Relationship Challenge?

If you're game to take our challenge, here are a few questions for you to think about...

1. How can you bring more ease and joy to yourself this holiday season and the new year?

2. How can you bring more joy to others this holiday season and the new year?

3. How can you open your heart more of the time instead of keeping it closed in anger, resentment or criticism?

4. How can you focus on what's good about your life situation as opposed to what's wrong or missing?

5. How can you be grateful for where you've been and what you've gone through, even if it didn't seem like much of a gift at the time?

What it comes down to is this...

It's all a choice and we challenge you to make one change right now to help you create better relationships and a better life.

Does it mean that you have to constantly have a smile on your face no matter what's happening in your life and no
matter what's being done to you or to those you love?

Of course not.

By asking you these questions, we're simply offering you (and us) an opportunity to look at how you can take one positive step toward what you'd like more of in your life.

We're taking our challenge--How about you?

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Something we love to talk about when we teach strategies for stopping your jealousy when it comes up is the idea that...

"Your past doesn't equal your future."

OR

Said another way...

Your past doesn't have to equal your future (unless of course you want it to)...

This is what our whole "No More Jealousy" program is all about-- giving you the strategies, skills and ideas for making sure your jealousy is a thing of the past.

Unfortunately, for some people, the past and what happened does seem to act as if it's on automatic repeat and "bad" things just keep repeating over and over.

Not good.

If you were hurt in the past in your relationships, you can start now to create the relationship and life that you want in your future.

We've seen it in our own lives and in the lives of hundreds of people we've worked with.

This statement of ours that we like to say "the past does not equal the future" is not just a nice, affirming statement meant to lift your spirits.

It's a very concrete way your reality can be.

But what if your present is just a repeat of what happened in your past?

What do you do then?

How do you get out of repeating the same thing over and over (especially about something like jealousy that can drive you crazy)?

Here's a question that you may have if you're in a similar situation...

***QUESTION FROM A READER

"But what happens when you know for sure that the past IS equaling the future?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

The thing about jealousy (or any other relationship issue for that matter that keeps repeating) is that it is a signal
that there's something you need to pay attention to.

Whether your jealousy is warranted or not, there is something within you or outside of you that is not in alignment with what you want for your life.

This is especially true if you know for sure that what happened in your past is happening again, as our reader says.

We can only guess that our reader is talking about being cheated on in past relationships and also in this present relationship.

We know that this kind of situation can feel very overwhelming and freeze you so you aren't able to take action.

For example:

If you've been cheated on in the past...

You can feel a lot of anger that once again you are being cheated on and it's just not fair.

You can also feel ashamed and wonder what's wrong with you that you can't get with someone who will be faithful to you.

We'll go back to the saying "Your past doesn't equal your future" and this time we'll amend it a little...

"Your past doesn't equal your future--but it WILL if you don't do anything about your present."

In other words, in order to change your future, you have to start doing what you've been afraid to do or certainly something different than before--and you may need to learn some new skills to do that.

To help you change your future about whether jealousy (or any other issue) is a part of your life or not as you move forward, here are a few ideas...

1. Sit down and take a very objective look at your relationships that haven't worked out, including your present one.

Look for what the challenges were and are, write them on paper and look for patterns.

Pretty soon it will become apparent what you need to learn or do differently.

It might be to pay attention to red flags sooner in the relationship--like your partner doesn't listen to you, obviously watches other women (or men) and compares you to them or whatever other red flag that tells you that this is not the partner for you.

For instance, write what you noticed early on in the relationship but ignored.

It might be something else like you agreeing when you really disagree and keeping your mouth shut to not create an argument.

Whatever it is, write it down and you'll start to see what you need to learn.

2. If you know that your current partner is cheating on you, gather your evidence and confront the issue..

You are worth more than to stay silent about cheating if your agreement is that you will be faithful to one another.

Find out if your partner is willing to do what it takes to regain trust.

If you're looking for some ways to rebuild trust after an affair check out our Relationship Trust
Turnaround program.

If he or she is willing, you need a specific structure to follow to help you rebuild trust if your relationship is to work and Relationship Trust Turnaround will give you that structure.

3. If you have trouble speaking your truth, then learn how to communicate what's in your heart so that he or she will listen.

Our "Magic Relationship Words" and
"Stop Talking on Eggshells" can help if you want to learn some new ways to talk to your partner so you'll be heard.

If this partner won't talk to you or listen, you'll need the new skills you learn to help you create a new relationship in the future that's based on honesty and truth.

4. If this partner keeps doing what he or she has been doing, with no regard for what you want--then it's time for you to make another, more empowered choice for your life.

Setting a limit and sticking to it can be the most powerful thing you can do to change your future.

Saying "yes" to you in the form of "I want something better for my future" is a place to start creating it.

Remember, if you don't change some things, nothing will change and you may just keep creating the same experience over and over.

Have the courage to start creating a different future for yourself--and it all starts with you!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

If you're like most people, you've probably gotten caught up in this relationship trap at least once in your life--especially if you're a woman...

You worry that you aren't pretty enough, thin enough, or desirable enough to hold a man and keep him interested over the long haul.

Well, if that idea hasn't been debunked many times before, Tiger Woods has blown this myth straight out of the water and here's why...

Otto was talking to his personal trainer yesterday while he was working out and of course the conversation got around to Tiger Woods and his alleged affairs.

Monica, his personal trainer, said that the big question her other clients had was why in the world Tiger would ever cheat because his wife Elin was so thin and beautiful.

Why would he go elsewhere when he had such beauty at home?

Good question isn't it?

A lot of people (especially women) fall into the trap of thinking that "If I were more attractive, a better lover, a better whatever that I'd never have anything to worry about when it comes to my man cheating on me."

WRONG.

It simply isn't the case with Tiger and his beautiful wife Elin.

He apparently went elsewhere because beauty alone wasn't enough to hold him to faithfulness in his marriage.

Now of course we don't know the inner workings of his relationship with Elin and we won't claim to know the real reasons (right or wrong) that drove Tiger to cheat.

What we do know is that being beautiful and thin doesn't insure faithfulness over the long haul.

We bring this up because so many women tell us they're jealous and worry about someone more beautiful or thin stealing their man away.

We know that keeping a relationship alive, juicy, connected, loving and monogamous through the years is so much more.

Recently, we got a copy of T.W. Jackson's book for people who've just gone through a break up and want to get back with their partner or spouse...

The book is called, "The Magic of Making Up" and we highly recommend it and we agreed with much of what he was saying and...

We're paraphrasing here...

He said that men crave admiration and when they feel they aren't getting it--perhaps like they used to--they try to find it elsewhere.

He also said that women want to feel appreciated and praised for who they are--and if they don't find it in their relationship, they may look for it in some other place.

Of course, these aren't the only reasons people cheat or emotionally "drop out" of their relationships, but they are important ones to pay attention to if you want to keep yours vital, alive and growing.

Much more important than beauty and the size of one's body!

When you really get down to it, when you "check out" of a relationship, in whatever way you choose to do it, you aren't getting your needs met.

You may not choose to cheat, as Tiger has, but there are other ways to check out of your relationship...

**Allowing yourself to get so busy that there's no time to connect with each other

**Allowing work to become the most important thing in your life

**Shutting yourself down from emotional connection

Even if you consider yourself soul mates when you first got together, if you don't keep doing the things that attracted you to each other in the first place--and looking for new ways to love each other--chances are your relationship will lose its specialness over time.

If you quit admiring, appreciating and loving each other for who you each are--you leave the relationship wide open for one or both of you to seek it elsewhere.

This admiration and appreciation has to be genuine even while it's mixed with expressing healthy boundaries and
speaking your truth as you grow together.

If you have trouble saying what you mean in a way that can be heard by your partner, check out our course called
"Stop Talking on Eggshells" where we give specific ways to help you to communicate more easily.

We've also come up with some words, phrases and sentence-starters called "Magic Relationship Words" to help you get the conversation going--whatever it is you want to communicate.

For some, no amount of admiration and appreciation will keep him (or her) faithful.

That may be true in Tiger's case.

But if you're feeling like your relationship could use a little spicing up or you may think it's in trouble...

Turn your attention toward your partner and look at what you once admired and appreciated about each other.

Start looking for instances when these traits re-appear--and then let your partner know how you feel.

You may not want to be the first to start the appreciation/admiration ball rolling but if you do, there may be a huge shift that happens that can change your life forever.

FTC Disclosure: If you purchase the Magic Of Making Up Book / Program through our link in this article, we will make an affiliate commission.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today, former "Family Ties" star Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. She apparently came out today because she wanted to beat the tabloids and tell her story in her own words. Unlike Tiger Woods, she's trying to beat the gossip mongers and be totally honest about what's been going on in her life for 7 years.

What we were struck by was not her admission to being gay but rather what she said about what she learned about herself.

She said this...

"I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships...Sometimes, I assumed I was a bad picker, which I was indeed, but I also was involved with people who made me think, 'OH, THEY'RE THE PROBLEM,' because there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, 'OH, IT'S ME'."

Meredith learned "Oh, it's me."

What a powerful lesson that has nothing to do with being gay, straight, single or in a relationship.

And it has nothing to do with placing blame.

It has to do with looking at what you truly want in life and in your relationships.

So many times, we spend our lives going against the essence of who we truly are--and are pretty unhappy doing it.

We choose to be with certain people out of guilt and "shoulds." We try to change that other person into who he or she doesn't want to be or try to change yourself into something you aren't.

And it never works.

We push against and we manipulate but we don't stop ourselves and ask, "Is this what I truly want in my life."

How powerful to stop looking outside yourself for someone to blame and take a look at who you really are and what you want!

If you're unhappy in your relationship and there are serious communication and trust problems, here are a few ways to start looking at what you DO want in your life...

1. Stop yourself when you are tempted to fix, manipulate or change your partner if he or she doesn't really want to change. Stop doing what you normally do (you can always choose to go back to doing it if you want) and notice what you do to either make your partner who you want him or her to be or what you do to change yourself from who you really are to fit in or be loved. Get honest and just notice.

2. Start making a list when you get triggered, writing down what upsets you. Simply write it down with no justification or blame. You are the reporter right now so just take notes on what you are feeling.

3. Make a list of what brings your joy and makes you happy. Write down specific events--small or large--that fill you with excitement and juice.

4. From these lists, write a story about who the "real you" is. Sit with a friend, therapist or coach to help you sort it all out if you need some help.

Once you have this clear picture, your next steps will be made clear. Your world may turn upside down as we suspect Meredith Baxter's was when she discovered she was gay or it may not be that extreme. You may just be able to create more peace, happiness or whatever it is you want in your life.

If you're dissatisfied with your relationships, we invite you to discover what Meredith Baxter said of herself, "Oh, it's me," and take a step toward creating the life and relationships that you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)