When Your Step-Family is in Trouble--3 Ways to Resolve A Bad Situation
If there's one thing that can kill a marriage or committed relationship pretty quickly, it's trying to blend two families together under one roof--especially when there are children involved.
Here's one woman's story about her struggles with her common law husband and our answer...
"My current common law husband doesn't not like my children. The only time he has any interaction with them, he is disciplining them. He tends to have a very firm approach to discipline and fails to see the good in them. I tried to explain to him that he is always coming across as the bad guy, because this is all the kids see. Also, to make the issue worse, he tends to place his own 18 year daughter (who doesn't live with us)on a pedestal. She can do no
wrong in his eyes. I constantly feel as though I have to defend my children when he is punishing them for something that should not even be an issue. I am constantly in the middle. I feel as though my feelings are NEVER a consideration to him. I keep myself completely removed from his daughter and any issues that arise. I feel it is not my business. Many times I am tempted to voice my opinion, but out of respect to him I will not. I am then left feeling that he should have the same respect for me. To make things worse, he has (for the past three years) gone to spend Christmas with his ex wife and daughter (over night). I feel it is time that he spends it here with me and my children, since he is a part of our household and daily life. Once again I'm left feeling as though he only wants to be a part of my kids life when they have done something bad (in his eyes), and doesn't want to share the good times. As much as I want him hear, if I insist he will be miserable thinking I am forcing him to be around when he'd rather not. He knows his daughter is more then welcome also. I don't believe he even gives her the option, and that he simply choses to be at her house (with her mother, his ex)."
Here's our answer...
Blending two families is rarely easy and if you and your partner have trouble talking to one another about the tough issues, it's no surprise that you are feeling at the end of your rope and don't know what to do. The fact that you keep yourself completely removed from his daughter and yet, your common law husband is actively disciplining your children is a powder keg situation waiting to happen.
Here are some ideas for taking steps to creating a better situation for you and your children...
1. Step back and look at your situation with objective eyes. Ask yourself what it is that you want for your family situation. It sounds like you've kept a lot inside you and haven't spoken what's true for you--either with how it makes you feel when he disciplines your children or how he treats his daughter. It's time to be honest with yourself if this is how you want to continue living--and if this is how you want your kids' family life to be for years to come. While you can't make your partner take your feelings into consideration, you can voice your specific concerns and decide what you will and will not stand for.
2. Invite your partner to create a team-approach in your parenting and in your relationship. Be specific about what changes you'd like to see happen and listen to how he wants things to be. What would a team-approach mean in disciplining your kids? What would a team-approach mean in making decisions about where and with whom holidays are spent? He may or may not be willing to listen to you. It's important to give your relationship a chance but it's also important to create the life and relationship that you want.
3. Decide what your bottom line is in this situation.
If your partner refuses to listen to you or talk to you about making some changes in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and to your children to discover what your bottom line is in this situation. Your children could really be suffering with this kind of treatment and turmoil. We know that it takes courage to decide your bottom line and to truly be honest--especially when you've been together as long as you have because being honest may end the relationship.
But being honest may also be a start to a better life for you and your children--which may or may not include your partner.
If you need more help in sorting out your next step, we have a process called "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" that we recommend.
You probably know in your heart what you need to do--for you and your children.
We urge you to be courageous and communicate what you want for your life in a loving way, know your bottom line and your next step will become clear.
Comments
Struggling. I have been with this man for 7 years and he has two children who are 13 and 15 now. when they were younger the influence from mommy dearest wasn't really much of a problem but now as they have aged into the teenage years all I see is their mother and what they have replicated. My children are grown and gone and I do not want to raise teenage girls again. I have repeatedly told my SO this as well. I was initially living with him but have chosen to move back to my home because I treasure my own bathroom, my own closet, my own space and do not want to share with his teenage children. Yes I am feeling quiet a bit of resentment at this point. Not sure where I'm going from here. But as I initally stated I am definitely struggling.
Posted by: Penny | March 4, 2010 03:31 PM
You can continue to struggle with your decision and what is--or you can accept that you both are at different places in your life right now. Difficult I know after 7 years of being together but you have to be honest and be okay with him being honest too. Sure, you wanted him to choose you above them--but that doesn't seem to be the case. And you'd like things to be different than they are--but they aren't. Start looking to your future and what you want. It sounds like you have a lot of anger (probably rightfully so) stored up so find a way to work through that to some sense of forgiveness--which is for you not all of them. Hope this helps--Susie
Posted by: Susie | March 5, 2010 12:22 PM