Jealousy: Stop Beating Yourself Up About It
If you're jealous--or have jealousy issues and problems in your relationship ...it's embarrassing
AND....
You don't want anyone to know what's going on and that this is a problem for you.
It was that way for us when we had jealousy issues come up for us and we're sure it's the same way for you.
Whether it's because you've acted in ways that others can see or it's your thoughts alone--
You don't feel very good about yourself and wonder why you have this problem while others don't.
You ask yourself what's wrong with me that I feel jealous and act in ways that sabotage my relationship.
So here's a news flash for you about jealousy...
We all have ways of separating ourselves from others and messing up relationships--and jealousy is just one way.
So if you're jealous, stop beating yourself up.
You won't get very far in healing yourself and stopping jealousy if you keep making YOU wrong and punishing yourself.
Just make a small but powerful shift instead.
That shift is to see your jealousy as a way the broader, all-knowing you is trying to get your attention.
The shift can look like this...
When jealousy comes up inside you, say to yourself, "Okay, there's something to look at right now. Something inside me needs my attention."
As our friend Richard usually says in situations like these...
"Something important is happening here..."
And then the goal is to try to notice what that is.
Maybe you can't put your finger on what it is right away but by the very act of shifting your attention from either blaming someone else or blaming yourself to being curious about what's trying to get your attention, you are moving closer to healing.
Cathy got insecure as soon as her husband left the house for work. When she was at work, she had a hard time concentrating and found herself constantly wondering what her husband was doing and who he was with.
There was one female rep that he met with regularly and Cathy was afraid that he found this woman more exciting and more desirable than her, although she had no evidence or reason to think that.
She texted him throughout the day and when he didn't answer immediately, she feared the worst--that he was enjoying the company of this woman.
She didn't know where all of this could lead but she could imagine him leaving her for the other woman.
Often Cathy questioned her husband when he came home about who he was with and what he had done during the day.
At first, he was patient with her and then he became upset and frustrated with all of her questions.
Cathy was embarrassed by her jealous reactions and she kept beating herself up for having doubts about her husband and not trusting him because she knew he wasn't cheating on her.
She began to feel a shift when she became jealous when she started asking herself this question...
"What do I need to pay attention to right now?"
When she tuned in and listened to herself, what she heard was that she wanted more attention.
She then asked herself another question...
"What kind of attention do I want?"
What came back surprised her.
She wanted more time for herself and she wanted more time with her husband.
Over the years as a wife and mother, she felt like she had lost herself and didn't know who she was anymore.
She had become so involved in her husband's life that she had forgotten about her own.
So surprising as it may sound, when Cathy started working with a personal trainer--something that she always had wanted to do but kept putting it off--she started feeling better about herself and her jealousy seemed to fade.
She and her husband also started spending a few minutes each day, not talking about what HE did at work but just getting to know each other again.
If you start to shift your view of jealousy and ask this simple question, you may be surprised at the answer you get and where it takes you.
It just may help you get free of jealousy!
