Jealousy Meltdowns--3 Ways to Cure Them
If you've ever had a jealousy "meltdown" and accused your partner of something which may or may not be true, you know that it just caused even more problems than you had before.
Jealousy can ruin your relationship and wreck havoc with your life if you don't do something about it--and fast!
If you want help stopping jealousy, our "No More Jealousy" book and audio program will give you the tools to stop it BEFORE it rips your relationship to shreds and you find yourself looking for a new partner or in divorce court.
***QUESTION FROM A READER
"My biggest challenge in our relationship is my low self-esteem which I feel promotes my jealousy. I am even jealous over people on the television. How can I feel better about myself and not look at others as so much better?"
>>>OUR COMMENTS:
There are a lot of things that fuel jealousy...
And one BIG thing that fuels it is the feeling that you aren't as good as someone else in some way (or maybe many ways.)
You might feel good about yourself in some areas of your life but when it comes to having a great personality, body or anything else--you think (or rather you KNOW) that you don't measure up.
You think this other person is always more beautiful, has a better body, is more fun than you and you are scared that your partner will find that other person more attractive than you and will leave you.
Your partner may be looking too long at the other person, talking about someone else a little too much, or may even have commented once (or more than once) about another person's qualities.
That certainly adds to your belief that you aren't good enough.
Chances are your low self-esteem didn't just appear in this relationship.
Bits and pieces of it probably started long before--but that doesn't mean you can't do something
about it!
It might be that you were teased as a child by a parent or siblings.
It might be that previous partners cheated on you and you got the idea that because he or she cheated, YOU weren't good enough.
What we know about low self-esteem is that it is a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Once you see the "evidence" that you aren't as good as others, you draw those kinds of situations to you and people who will treat you as if you aren't as good--over and over again.
Janet's father told her that she wasn't as pretty as her sister (or at least that's the main message she heard from him).
She grew up thinking she wasn't pretty even though every man she was with told her that she was.
But because she held that belief (that she wasn't pretty), she became jealous of every other woman she thought was prettier than she was--and that was most women.
Her jealousy, anger and incessant questions would inevitably push her partners away.
So if you can relate to Janet's situation, is it your fault that you have low self-esteem?
Of course it's NOT your fault but it is your responsibility to change it if you want a different life experience.
And believe it or not, you CAN do something about changing how you view yourself.
In fact, YOU are the only one who can.
If you're the only one who can change how you view yourself, you're probably wondering how you go about doing it.
If you're ready to start changing the way you feel about yourself, we invite you to begin by BELIEVING that it might be possible to feel better about yourself.
If you can get even a slight feeling that it's possible, here are some tips to point you in the right direction...
1. Identify the "story" that you tell yourself about yourself--over and over.
Become a detective and listen in on your thoughts.
What thought are you thinking that reinforces your belief that you aren't good enough?
What do you tell yourself whenever you see someone who you think is better in some way than you?
Write it down so that you can see it because this thought quickly becomes an entire "story" that you weave about how you aren't good enough.
In fact, write down the entire story you tell yourself.
2. Decide that you want to change your story to something a little better that you can believe--and then change it.
Okay, we can hear you...
You're telling us that your "story" IS true and that's why you repeatedly tell it to yourself.
While you may think your story is true, it just may not be.
It may not be what people see when they look at you.
Besides, even if some parts of it are true, we all know very confident people who seem to have great lives and great relationships but may not be the best looking, have the greatest figure or be the richest.
So it is possible to be happy and confident--no matter what--and it starts with a decision and inner story that matches what you want for your life.
We invite you to look at the damage your old story causes in your life and make the choice to not tell it to yourself any longer.
If like Janet, your old story says that you aren't pretty, it might be a stretch for your new story to be that you are pretty (even though you may be to other people).
What might be more in alignment with what you can believe is that you are kind to people or that you have beautiful eyes.
The idea is to start with something that you like about yourself.
You might be tempted to say that you don't like ANYTHING about yourself but we urge you to keep looking until you do.
3. Reinforce this new story, replacing it whenever you start telling yourself your old one.
We're not going to kid you that this is easy. It's usually not but if you want new results in your life, it's just something that you decide to do.
Just like anything new that you decide to do--it just takes practice to get good at it.
You can choose to reinforce your new story in fun ways.
Last weekend, Susie and her daughter hosted a "Beautiful" party, inviting their friends to join them in celebrating their beauty as women.
One of the activities was to write meaningful, uplifting words on their arms, legs, faces (using washable markers and paint) as a reminder of what we wanted to enhance in ourselves.
We wrote words like "confident," "aware," "wise," "beautiful," "graceful" and even "hot."
It was fun to see these women from all walks of life coming together, having fun and celebrating their inner and outer beauty.
You can too.
You don't have to write words on your body (but it's a great idea if you're drawn to it).
Whether you're a man or a woman-- find a way that's fun for you to remind you about who you REALLY are.
Remind yourself that the jealousy you sometimes feel is NOT the real you.
It's just something that comes up when you think certain thoughts over and over.
Keep focusing on what you like about you and what you want to create more of in your life and watch how your jealousy begins to fade.
Comments
I totally agree that jealousy is created within a person who does not feel good enough about certain aspect of him/herself, but finds these traits in others, which then creates envy within. These type of people need to learn to accept things as they are, and stop living in a dream world.
Posted by: suburbangrandma | November 6, 2009 08:29 PM
I have been having such a hard time with jealousy. I've sought counselling services many times in the current six year relationship I'm in. I've recently acknowledged that it's my self-esteem issues that have caused our relationship to litterally fall apart...to the point of a self-fulfilling prophecy! But I also have a partner that is not very willing to be supportive at this point. I want things to work out in this relationship but it will only last if I can change my perceptions. I wish the Collins were my personal relationship coaches.
Posted by: stop the jealousy | November 16, 2009 03:32 PM