Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If there's one thing that can create better relationships, it's this...

For your relationships to grow in deeper love and connection, gratitude has to be an attitude you carry with you every day.

Gratitude is not only healthy for your relationships but it's healthy for you physically and emotionally.

It's a fact that we've proven over and over in our own lives...

When our thoughts are mostly focused on what we appreciate in ourselves and others, we bring more love, health, prosperity and well-being into our lives.

When our thoughts are mostly focused on what we fear might happen, what upsets us or what went wrong--we bring MORE upset, fear, lack and disconnection into our lives.

Gratitude is something that we all know we SHOULD have and SHOULD express but often "life" and our beliefs get in the way.

So what might hold you back from "being" and expressing gratitude?

You might have any or all of these beliefs about gratitude...

-"If I tell him I'm grateful, he'll stop doing it and quit trying."

-"She doesn't tell me what I'm doing "right" or thank me so why should I tell her?"

-"He'll think I'm needy or that I have an ulterior motive."

-"I'm afraid she'll take advantage of me and think she can run over me if I'm TOO grateful."

The truth is that if you have any of those beliefs, there's probably been a good reason that you developed them.

They served you in some way in the past. They protected you in some way.

The choice for you now is to take a look at what you are believing and decide if you still want to carry those beliefs into your current relationships and the present moment.

For the two of us, gratitude is a state of mind that feeds our relationship.

But it wasn't always so...

While we were always very grateful to have found each other and create the deep love we have, we didn't always appreciate each other the way we could have--or the way we do now.

While we were pretty good at the "thank you" stuff when we did things for one another--

What we weren't so good at was appreciating the true essence of each other.

In other words, at times, we'd get hung up on proving we were "right" and the other was wrong.

We didn't always appreciate what we each brought to our relationship.

We didn't always appreciate the contributions we each brought to our life together.

We didn't always listen to each other.

Now gratitude is a daily practice for us and that feeds our passion and love for each other.

We start the day appreciating each other before we get out of bed.

We are learning not to interrupt each other and truly listen to their ideas.

Believe it our not, listening with your full attention is demonstrating gratitude.

It's being grateful and honoring the essence and talents of the other person.

And we all want to be loved for who we truly are--not for who the other person wants us to be.

If you like this idea, you can start small and you can do it by yourself. You do not have to have your partner buy into it.

When you start focusing on gratitude, you'll start seeing shifts in your life for the better.

There will be a "softening" between the two of you--even if the other person can't quite put their finger on what is different in you.

Of course you can also work together and make gratitude a fun exercise.

Some people keep a gratitude journal and write 3-5 things they are grateful for that day--and then share them (or not) with someone they love.

This practice helps you to start focusing your attention in a more positive way.

As you move into expressing more gratitude, step out of the norm of just saying "thanks" although that's certainly a good start if you're not doing it already.

Feel into yourself about how you'd like to be appreciated and then stay open to watching how you might show your appreciation for others in a different way.

We used the example of listening to one another and not insisting on being right as a way of appreciating the talents of the other person.

That's just one example and we're sure you can come up with more ways to express and live gratitude.

If you're finding that finding gratitude, especially about your partner, and you're feeling that you're not appreciated--there are some things you can do to help yourself.

Let this season be a wake-up call to create more love in your life by opening to more gratitude to flow in and out.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If there's one thing that can kill a marriage or committed relationship pretty quickly, it's trying to blend two families together under one roof--especially when there are children involved.

Here's one woman's story about her struggles with her common law husband and our answer...

"My current common law husband doesn't not like my children. The only time he has any interaction with them, he is disciplining them. He tends to have a very firm approach to discipline and fails to see the good in them. I tried to explain to him that he is always coming across as the bad guy, because this is all the kids see. Also, to make the issue worse, he tends to place his own 18 year daughter (who doesn't live with us)on a pedestal. She can do no
wrong in his eyes. I constantly feel as though I have to defend my children when he is punishing them for something that should not even be an issue. I am constantly in the middle. I feel as though my feelings are NEVER a consideration to him. I keep myself completely removed from his daughter and any issues that arise. I feel it is not my business. Many times I am tempted to voice my opinion, but out of respect to him I will not. I am then left feeling that he should have the same respect for me. To make things worse, he has (for the past three years) gone to spend Christmas with his ex wife and daughter (over night). I feel it is time that he spends it here with me and my children, since he is a part of our household and daily life. Once again I'm left feeling as though he only wants to be a part of my kids life when they have done something bad (in his eyes), and doesn't want to share the good times. As much as I want him hear, if I insist he will be miserable thinking I am forcing him to be around when he'd rather not. He knows his daughter is more then welcome also. I don't believe he even gives her the option, and that he simply choses to be at her house (with her mother, his ex)."

Here's our answer...

Blending two families is rarely easy and if you and your partner have trouble talking to one another about the tough issues, it's no surprise that you are feeling at the end of your rope and don't know what to do. The fact that you keep yourself completely removed from his daughter and yet, your common law husband is actively disciplining your children is a powder keg situation waiting to happen.

Here are some ideas for taking steps to creating a better situation for you and your children...

1. Step back and look at your situation with objective eyes. Ask yourself what it is that you want for your family situation. It sounds like you've kept a lot inside you and haven't spoken what's true for you--either with how it makes you feel when he disciplines your children or how he treats his daughter. It's time to be honest with yourself if this is how you want to continue living--and if this is how you want your kids' family life to be for years to come. While you can't make your partner take your feelings into consideration, you can voice your specific concerns and decide what you will and will not stand for.

2. Invite your partner to create a team-approach in your parenting and in your relationship. Be specific about what changes you'd like to see happen and listen to how he wants things to be. What would a team-approach mean in disciplining your kids? What would a team-approach mean in making decisions about where and with whom holidays are spent? He may or may not be willing to listen to you. It's important to give your relationship a chance but it's also important to create the life and relationship that you want.

3. Decide what your bottom line is in this situation.

If your partner refuses to listen to you or talk to you about making some changes in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and to your children to discover what your bottom line is in this situation. Your children could really be suffering with this kind of treatment and turmoil. We know that it takes courage to decide your bottom line and to truly be honest--especially when you've been together as long as you have because being honest may end the relationship.

But being honest may also be a start to a better life for you and your children--which may or may not include your partner.

If you need more help in sorting out your next step, we have a process called "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" that we recommend.

You probably know in your heart what you need to do--for you and your children.

We urge you to be courageous and communicate what you want for your life in a loving way, know your bottom line and your next step will become clear.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

What do you do when your partner speaks those dreaded four words--"I want time apart"?

If you're like a lot of people, you immediately go to feeling that this is the end of the relationship and that you are being let down easily--or not so easily.

There's a lot of confusion, hurt and uncertainty and you don't know what to do next.

**Question from Reader...

"I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years. He recently told me that he loves me but that he wants 'time apart'. What does this mean? He says he wants just some time apart and then he wants to get back together with me. I don't believe in breaks and think this will be the end of our relationship. Can you help??"

**Our answer...

We won't lie to you--it could go either way. The two of you could end up together after this hiatus or you could end up ending your relationship.

We're not going to mislead you...

Statistics show that when a partner wants a "break" or "time apart" from the relationship, it usually doesn't work out that the two people get back together.

But sometimes they do.

The bottom line is that if this is what he wants, you can't force him to stay with you without the break.

There are a few things that we suggest you do to clear up some mysteries and make the reason for the break clearer...

Here are a few ideas

1. Get very specific about what this break means and for how long. Be clear about what's going on.

Do you date/be with other people during this time? Do you have any contact/communication with each other? If so, in what form. How will you come back together and when?

Make sure you both agree on the terms of this time apart. He may be unclear but try to get an agreement of some kind from him so you know where you stand.

2. Look at how you each want your relationship to change

He wants something to change or he would not need and want this break. The change may be within himself or it
may be within your relationship. Either case--asking for a break is asking for change.

It's also an opportunity for you to look inside yourself and your relationship at how you want it to change for the better.
It might be to create better coomunication.

It might be to dust off the spark between the two of you.

Whatever it is, take this time to look deeply inside you for what you want.

We know that time apart, especially when you think things are going well between you, is not something that you probably want and are afraid of.

What we've learned is that you can't argue with what is but you can be clear about what you both want and the next steps you're both taking.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If you're jealous--or have jealousy issues and problems in your relationship ...it's embarrassing

AND....

You don't want anyone to know what's going on and that this is a problem for you.

It was that way for us when we had jealousy issues come up for us and we're sure it's the same way for you.

Whether it's because you've acted in ways that others can see or it's your thoughts alone--

You don't feel very good about yourself and wonder why you have this problem while others don't.

You ask yourself what's wrong with me that I feel jealous and act in ways that sabotage my relationship.

So here's a news flash for you about jealousy...

We all have ways of separating ourselves from others and messing up relationships--and jealousy is just one way.

So if you're jealous, stop beating yourself up.

You won't get very far in healing yourself and stopping jealousy if you keep making YOU wrong and punishing yourself.

Just make a small but powerful shift instead.

That shift is to see your jealousy as a way the broader, all-knowing you is trying to get your attention.

The shift can look like this...

When jealousy comes up inside you, say to yourself, "Okay, there's something to look at right now. Something inside me needs my attention."

As our friend Richard usually says in situations like these...

"Something important is happening here..."

And then the goal is to try to notice what that is.

Maybe you can't put your finger on what it is right away but by the very act of shifting your attention from either blaming someone else or blaming yourself to being curious about what's trying to get your attention, you are moving closer to healing.

Cathy got insecure as soon as her husband left the house for work. When she was at work, she had a hard time concentrating and found herself constantly wondering what her husband was doing and who he was with.

There was one female rep that he met with regularly and Cathy was afraid that he found this woman more exciting and more desirable than her, although she had no evidence or reason to think that.

She texted him throughout the day and when he didn't answer immediately, she feared the worst--that he was enjoying the company of this woman.

She didn't know where all of this could lead but she could imagine him leaving her for the other woman.

Often Cathy questioned her husband when he came home about who he was with and what he had done during the day.

At first, he was patient with her and then he became upset and frustrated with all of her questions.

Cathy was embarrassed by her jealous reactions and she kept beating herself up for having doubts about her husband and not trusting him because she knew he wasn't cheating on her.

She began to feel a shift when she became jealous when she started asking herself this question...

"What do I need to pay attention to right now?"

When she tuned in and listened to herself, what she heard was that she wanted more attention.

She then asked herself another question...

"What kind of attention do I want?"

What came back surprised her.

She wanted more time for herself and she wanted more time with her husband.

Over the years as a wife and mother, she felt like she had lost herself and didn't know who she was anymore.

She had become so involved in her husband's life that she had forgotten about her own.

So surprising as it may sound, when Cathy started working with a personal trainer--something that she always had wanted to do but kept putting it off--she started feeling better about herself and her jealousy seemed to fade.

She and her husband also started spending a few minutes each day, not talking about what HE did at work but just getting to know each other again.

If you start to shift your view of jealousy and ask this simple question, you may be surprised at the answer you get and where it takes you.

It just may help you get free of jealousy!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you've ever had a jealousy "meltdown" and accused your partner of something which may or may not be true, you know that it just caused even more problems than you had before.

Jealousy can ruin your relationship and wreck havoc with your life if you don't do something about it--and fast!

If you want help stopping jealousy, our "No More Jealousy" book and audio program will give you the tools to stop it BEFORE it rips your relationship to shreds and you find yourself looking for a new partner or in divorce court.

***QUESTION FROM A READER

"My biggest challenge in our relationship is my low self-esteem which I feel promotes my jealousy. I am even jealous over people on the television. How can I feel better about myself and not look at others as so much better?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

There are a lot of things that fuel jealousy...

And one BIG thing that fuels it is the feeling that you aren't as good as someone else in some way (or maybe many ways.)

You might feel good about yourself in some areas of your life but when it comes to having a great personality, body or anything else--you think (or rather you KNOW) that you don't measure up.

You think this other person is always more beautiful, has a better body, is more fun than you and you are scared that your partner will find that other person more attractive than you and will leave you.

Your partner may be looking too long at the other person, talking about someone else a little too much, or may even have commented once (or more than once) about another person's qualities.

That certainly adds to your belief that you aren't good enough.

Chances are your low self-esteem didn't just appear in this relationship.

Bits and pieces of it probably started long before--but that doesn't mean you can't do something
about it!

It might be that you were teased as a child by a parent or siblings.

It might be that previous partners cheated on you and you got the idea that because he or she cheated, YOU weren't good enough.

What we know about low self-esteem is that it is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Once you see the "evidence" that you aren't as good as others, you draw those kinds of situations to you and people who will treat you as if you aren't as good--over and over again.

Janet's father told her that she wasn't as pretty as her sister (or at least that's the main message she heard from him).

She grew up thinking she wasn't pretty even though every man she was with told her that she was.

But because she held that belief (that she wasn't pretty), she became jealous of every other woman she thought was prettier than she was--and that was most women.

Her jealousy, anger and incessant questions would inevitably push her partners away.

So if you can relate to Janet's situation, is it your fault that you have low self-esteem?

Of course it's NOT your fault but it is your responsibility to change it if you want a different life experience.

And believe it or not, you CAN do something about changing how you view yourself.

In fact, YOU are the only one who can.

If you're the only one who can change how you view yourself, you're probably wondering how you go about doing it.

If you're ready to start changing the way you feel about yourself, we invite you to begin by BELIEVING that it might be possible to feel better about yourself.

If you can get even a slight feeling that it's possible, here are some tips to point you in the right direction...

1. Identify the "story" that you tell yourself about yourself--over and over.

Become a detective and listen in on your thoughts.

What thought are you thinking that reinforces your belief that you aren't good enough?

What do you tell yourself whenever you see someone who you think is better in some way than you?

Write it down so that you can see it because this thought quickly becomes an entire "story" that you weave about how you aren't good enough.

In fact, write down the entire story you tell yourself.

2. Decide that you want to change your story to something a little better that you can believe--and then change it.

Okay, we can hear you...

You're telling us that your "story" IS true and that's why you repeatedly tell it to yourself.

While you may think your story is true, it just may not be.

It may not be what people see when they look at you.

Besides, even if some parts of it are true, we all know very confident people who seem to have great lives and great relationships but may not be the best looking, have the greatest figure or be the richest.

So it is possible to be happy and confident--no matter what--and it starts with a decision and inner story that matches what you want for your life.

We invite you to look at the damage your old story causes in your life and make the choice to not tell it to yourself any longer.

If like Janet, your old story says that you aren't pretty, it might be a stretch for your new story to be that you are pretty (even though you may be to other people).

What might be more in alignment with what you can believe is that you are kind to people or that you have beautiful eyes.

The idea is to start with something that you like about yourself.

You might be tempted to say that you don't like ANYTHING about yourself but we urge you to keep looking until you do.

3. Reinforce this new story, replacing it whenever you start telling yourself your old one.

We're not going to kid you that this is easy. It's usually not but if you want new results in your life, it's just something that you decide to do.

Just like anything new that you decide to do--it just takes practice to get good at it.

You can choose to reinforce your new story in fun ways.

Last weekend, Susie and her daughter hosted a "Beautiful" party, inviting their friends to join them in celebrating their beauty as women.

One of the activities was to write meaningful, uplifting words on their arms, legs, faces (using washable markers and paint) as a reminder of what we wanted to enhance in ourselves.

We wrote words like "confident," "aware," "wise," "beautiful," "graceful" and even "hot."

It was fun to see these women from all walks of life coming together, having fun and celebrating their inner and outer beauty.

You can too.

You don't have to write words on your body (but it's a great idea if you're drawn to it).

Whether you're a man or a woman-- find a way that's fun for you to remind you about who you REALLY are.

Remind yourself that the jealousy you sometimes feel is NOT the real you.

It's just something that comes up when you think certain thoughts over and over.

Keep focusing on what you like about you and what you want to create more of in your life and watch how your jealousy begins to fade.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 05:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)