Marriage Advice: 3 Ways to Get Your Needs Met
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
"[My problem is] my husband's inability to take the initiative in our relationship, to find what I like/want. He is unable to make me feel like a woman. I feel needed not loved.
"Is this his personality and can he change or is what we have now all there will ever be?
"If my needs cannot be met, I think I will try to leave this marriage again. I agreed to stay if things change. He believes he has changed dramatically, but he is even more insecure now.
"Why is it that it is mostly women who look for information to solve these problems? Men need to be made aware of how we feel, and start doing something about it.
"My husband admitted he knew I was unhappy but did not see divorce as an option. How long did he think a relationship could go on like this?"
>>>OUR COMMENTS:
Wow! We really hear you.
You, like a lot of other women, are tired of doing ALL the work on the relationship.
You want him to step up to the plate and and you feel like it's not happening.
You say he's unable to make you feel like a woman and you feel NEEDED not loved!
And he may not have a clue how to go about giving you what you want--let alone think of doing it on his own.
Now of course by answering this woman's question, we are in no way implying that ALL men are like this--not being able to give the women they love what they want.
But what we do know from research--ours and others--as a broad generalization, (and we do mean broad) women are the ones who are more interested in personal growth and making their relationships better.
Women by in large are the ones who will lead their partners to therapy, coaching or relationship books and courses.
Again, as a generalization, men tend to seek out relationship help only when the relationship is falling apart and will end very soon if they don't do something quickly.
Why is this?
Could be the way men and women are biologically wired differently but it's also programming from an early age
about what it means to be in an intimate relationship.
Our reader's husband might fall into this category...
To him, "needing" someone and being needed equals love.
To this woman, that's not enough.
Many years ago, one of our teachers said this...
Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women hoping they won't.
If this woman is like many others, we're guessing that when the two of them were first together, her feeling that he NEEDED her was enough--or at least she thought it might change into something deeper as the years went on.
She saw potential in him and in the relationship and there's certainly nothing wrong with that if that was true for them.
But what happens is usually this...
As the years passed, she discovered that a relationship could be much more--and being loved and loving is more than just being needed.
But her husband didn't necessarily get that information. He was comfortable with the way their relationship was and didn't necessarily want it to change.
She did.
So can someone (man or woman) change or is this part of his or her personality and can't be changed?
Our take on this question is this...
Anyone can change but the person has to have the desire, motivation and skill to do it.
And you have to speak the same language.
By that, we mean that you have to learn to listen deeply to each other without getting defensive and to talk honestly about your wants and needs.
You have to give up judgments and open your hearts to each other so you can understand where you are each coming from.
If you need help doing this, our "StopTalking on Eggshells" program at can give you the tools so you can talk to each other about the difficult things.
If you'd like to know some specific words, phrases and sentence starters you can start using immediately to make sure you know the right words to say to your partner or spouse about anything, check out our "Magic Relationship Words." program.
We'll give you an example from our own life to explain what we mean...
From the beginning of our relationship, both of us have had a strong desire to keep it passionate, alive and growing as the years go by.
So we've both had strong desires to grow--and keep growing together.
But that doesn't mean we've always been able to understand each other and talk to each other without getting
triggered.
We had to learn to stop the stories in our heads that may or may not be true.
We had to learn to ask when we were unclear before we just assumed that we knew the other's intentions.
It might be a tone of voice that meant one thing to Otto and another to Susie.
We each had to learn to recognize what we do when we are triggered and defensive and take a step out of it when it happens.
So what does all of this have to do with our reader's situation and question?
We share what we've had to learn to more clearly point the way to how to learn to love someone more deeply.
Yes, you can learn how to love someone more deeply even if you've never been taught how.
And we all have specific ways that we want to be loved.
Here are a few suggestions for how our reader can get her needs met, as well as any couple who wants to increase the love in their relationship...
1. Make a list of what being loved and feeling like a woman or man mean to you. Be very specific and let your partner know--but skip the blame.
Find specific examples to point to that will help your partner understand what you want--maybe something he or she did "right."
We're all different and we all have different definitions of what being loved means.
Does it mean more touching or love-making, demonstrations of a desire to be with you more, or listening to you so that there's true understanding?
Susie knows she's loved because Otto shows her in many ways that she is important to him.
He doesn't just say it. He lives it.
Last Friday evening, we went to a restaurant with a few of our friends.
After dinner was over and we were all sitting around the table talking, Susie told Otto that she was tired, the music was loud and she was ready to go home.
He "felt" into her, into himself and listened to her request.
Otto realized that he wasn't attached to staying at the restaurant and saw and felt that Susie was ready to go home.
He didn't ask questions or make a comment. He simply looked at her and agreed.
In that moment, Susie felt a deep recognition that he was very present with her, she was deeply loved and her wishes were being respected by him.
Does that mean Susie always gets her way?
Of course not.
It just means that we've agreed that loving and being loved means listening and feeling deeply into the other and
into ourselves before we automatically react from old patterns.
2. Be willing to open to the idea that your partner might be changing. It just might not be in the way you want.
If your partner thinks he's changed, with an open heart, ask him how he has changed without blaming him for not being who you want him to be.
Listen and observe first.
The woman who sent us her question said that her husband seemed even more insecure.
When she senses him feeling insecure, she can open her heart and invite him to open up to her.
We're not saying that his changes may be enough for her or in any way what she wants.
We are saying that for anyone to make changes, he or she has to feel that there is acknowledgment for the changes that are being made along the way.
Something like this...
"I can see that you are making an effort to change..."
One woman is in therapy with her husband and was focusing so much on what their relationship wasn't that
she missed the changes he was making in himself.
Shift your focus to looking for the changes--whether they are exactly what you think they should be or not.
Acknowledge him for what he Is doing and not what he's not doing.
3. Discover what you both want in your relationship.
The two of you may not want the same type of relationship--or you may.
The problem is that your partner may not choose to open himself or herself to the relationship that you want.
In the end, we all make choices about how we want to live our lives and your two viewpoints may not be a close enough match for how you want to live.
For a way to help you sort it all out, there is help to know whether to stay or go.
But if the desire is there for both of you to follow a similar path and you both learn the skills that will take you to the relationship you want, it just might be possible.
