Love and Relationship Advice Blog

What a double-edged sword the truth can be!

We all say we want to be "truthful" and to be told the truth..

Or do we really?

If we're really honest with ourselves about our relationships, when it comes down to it, the "truth" we usually want to hear is the one we agree with.

We just caught the movie "The Invention of Lying" and although we agree with the reviewers that it's not the best movie in the world...

It did have a few things to say about lying and telling the truth.

We saw and felt what it might be like if everyone told their truth in every moment. In fact, they couldn't tell a lie--
except for one person.

The result of all of this truth-telling was pretty uncomfortable at times for the people involved--even if it was funny to watch.

The "truth" is that in most relationships--

One or both of you dance around the truth or omit things that are important to you because you don't think your partner will like them or will get upset.

When you do this, you are putting up walls to intimacy and barriers to deeper connection--no doubt about it.

But you don't want to hurt the other person with honesty, right?

So what we ALL do to greater or lessor degrees in our relationships is to NOT tell the "whole" truth with the people in our lives and most importantly-- we don't usually want them to tell us the whole truth either--especially if it's uncomfortable to hear it.

If everybody was completely honest (judgments included) in ALL their communication, it might just be too painful.

So, what we're saying is...

If we're really honest with ourselves, there's a payoff for not being completely honest in our relationships.

We get to make sure we don't hurt anyone and they won't hurt us as well.

But is this NOT being completely honest good or bad for creating close, connected relationships?

This leads us to a question around this topic that we're guessing you can identify with--because
we've coped with this one ourselves and it's also a question that many of our "Relationship Breakthrough" Coaching clients have had as well...

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"How do you keep honesty and intimacy in relationships without becoming upset when told the truth?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

We all know that it's a piece of cake to be honest with someone or to really hear what another person says if you think the message is something you both agree with and neither one of you finds objectionable.

It's EASY to be truthful.

But what if you have to tell someone something that might be upsetting or even make that person angry?

And what if someone tells you something that you'd rather not hear or believe?

Not as comfortable to tell or hear the truth, right?

It's the way many of us are made up--to not want to be hurtful and to get along.

But what happens when we disagree with someone--someone we love--or he or she disagrees with us?

Some of us hint at the truth or completely ignore it, hoping that it will go away without ever letting the other person know how we really feel--just to keep the peace or any other reason.

When this happens, what it really does is push the two of you further from love, intimacy and connection.

When the two of us first came together, we made an agreement that we would be totally honest with each other so that we could keep our passion and connection alive.

We had both done it the other way and knew that it didn't work so we wanted to be sure we didn't make that same mistake twice.

It sounded like a good agreement but when we started putting it into practice, it wasn't as easy as it seemed--even
though there was and is great love between us.

Like a lot of people, it took a lot of courage to find out what was true inside us and then to say that truth so that the
other could hear it.

And hearing it was another story...

When faced with being told something uncomfortable about ourselves, what you might imagine happened to us too...

We got defensive and either shut down, got quiet, withdrew or got angry and sarcastic.

Pretty typical response, right?

When faced with the "truth" that we didn't necessarily agree with, we fell into old patterns--just like most people--even though we had made this wonderful agreement.

What did we do to get out of our old habits and do it differently?

Here are some ways we learned to stay open to each other, even when it's been tough, so that we could build our trust, connection and intimacy...

1. Recognize that you have a "story" and your partner has a "story"--and that's what they both are--stories.

We all have very different ways of viewing the world and if we are to be in relationships with each other--
especially intimate ones--we have to stop expecting that we'll all think exactly alike all of the time.

It just isn't so.

When you recognize that you have a viewpoint that might be different from the other person's that is made
up of very different life experiences, you can be a little more open to just finding out what makes them tick--instead of trying to defend yourself and your ideas.

2. Recognize that you always have choice. Just because your partner says something about you or something that he or she thinks has to happen or not happen--you still have choice.

We defend when we think we don't have choice.

When the two of us remembered that very simple idea, we stopped being so defensive and could listen to one another at a deeper level.

3. Listen to hear if you can find any truth to what's being said, even though it might be painful to hear.

There have been times when Susie would say something to Otto (or to someone else) and she didn't realize that sometimes her comments sounded "bossy" and "controlling."

When it was pointed out to her, of course she would get defensive.

Because of our agreement, she learned how to stop herself by taking some deep breaths and stopping the words she normally said in defense.

In her mind, she learned to rewind the tape of the incident. Usually she could see how her comments could have been taken that way, although that wasn't her intention.

When she thought about it... and located that truth, she said one of the "Magic Words" or phrases
that we teach in our "Magic Relationship Words" book and audio program.

She said...

"You are right. I can see how you might feel that way although it wasn't my intention."

And then she told Otto (or the other person) what she was feeling when she said those "bossy" words and used that particular tone of voice.

She was honest about what was inside her and what she was feeling.

Each time the two of us share in this way, we create deeper intimacy and truth between us.

We've found that it all starts with stopping yourself from what you habitually do when you feel threatened, treated
wrongly or misunderstood.

In doing this, we in no way suggest that you are to become someone's "door-mat."

It's really just the opposite when you stop yourself from getting muddled in defensiveness, anger or fear.

We've found that when you do change from your old habits, you are able to speak more clearly, understand one another and create deeper love between the two of you.

So does it pay to not be honest in your relationships?

It pays if you want to remain distant from others.

If you want to create more passion, intimacy and connection--it doesn't.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"[My problem is] my husband's inability to take the initiative in our relationship, to find what I like/want. He is unable to make me feel like a woman. I feel needed not loved.

"Is this his personality and can he change or is what we have now all there will ever be?

"If my needs cannot be met, I think I will try to leave this marriage again. I agreed to stay if things change. He believes he has changed dramatically, but he is even more insecure now.

"Why is it that it is mostly women who look for information to solve these problems? Men need to be made aware of how we feel, and start doing something about it.

"My husband admitted he knew I was unhappy but did not see divorce as an option. How long did he think a relationship could go on like this?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Wow! We really hear you.

You, like a lot of other women, are tired of doing ALL the work on the relationship.

You want him to step up to the plate and and you feel like it's not happening.

You say he's unable to make you feel like a woman and you feel NEEDED not loved!

And he may not have a clue how to go about giving you what you want--let alone think of doing it on his own.

Now of course by answering this woman's question, we are in no way implying that ALL men are like this--not being able to give the women they love what they want.

But what we do know from research--ours and others--as a broad generalization, (and we do mean broad) women are the ones who are more interested in personal growth and making their relationships better.

Women by in large are the ones who will lead their partners to therapy, coaching or relationship books and courses.

Again, as a generalization, men tend to seek out relationship help only when the relationship is falling apart and will end very soon if they don't do something quickly.

Why is this?

Could be the way men and women are biologically wired differently but it's also programming from an early age
about what it means to be in an intimate relationship.

Our reader's husband might fall into this category...

To him, "needing" someone and being needed equals love.

To this woman, that's not enough.

Many years ago, one of our teachers said this...

Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women hoping they won't.

If this woman is like many others, we're guessing that when the two of them were first together, her feeling that he NEEDED her was enough--or at least she thought it might change into something deeper as the years went on.

She saw potential in him and in the relationship and there's certainly nothing wrong with that if that was true for them.

But what happens is usually this...

As the years passed, she discovered that a relationship could be much more--and being loved and loving is more than just being needed.

But her husband didn't necessarily get that information. He was comfortable with the way their relationship was and didn't necessarily want it to change.

She did.

So can someone (man or woman) change or is this part of his or her personality and can't be changed?

Our take on this question is this...

Anyone can change but the person has to have the desire, motivation and skill to do it.

And you have to speak the same language.

By that, we mean that you have to learn to listen deeply to each other without getting defensive and to talk honestly about your wants and needs.

You have to give up judgments and open your hearts to each other so you can understand where you are each coming from.

If you need help doing this, our "StopTalking on Eggshells" program at can give you the tools so you can talk to each other about the difficult things.

If you'd like to know some specific words, phrases and sentence starters you can start using immediately to make sure you know the right words to say to your partner or spouse about anything, check out our "Magic Relationship Words." program.

We'll give you an example from our own life to explain what we mean...

From the beginning of our relationship, both of us have had a strong desire to keep it passionate, alive and growing as the years go by.

So we've both had strong desires to grow--and keep growing together.

But that doesn't mean we've always been able to understand each other and talk to each other without getting
triggered.

We had to learn to stop the stories in our heads that may or may not be true.

We had to learn to ask when we were unclear before we just assumed that we knew the other's intentions.

It might be a tone of voice that meant one thing to Otto and another to Susie.

We each had to learn to recognize what we do when we are triggered and defensive and take a step out of it when it happens.

So what does all of this have to do with our reader's situation and question?

We share what we've had to learn to more clearly point the way to how to learn to love someone more deeply.

Yes, you can learn how to love someone more deeply even if you've never been taught how.

And we all have specific ways that we want to be loved.

Here are a few suggestions for how our reader can get her needs met, as well as any couple who wants to increase the love in their relationship...

1. Make a list of what being loved and feeling like a woman or man mean to you. Be very specific and let your partner know--but skip the blame.

Find specific examples to point to that will help your partner understand what you want--maybe something he or she did "right."

We're all different and we all have different definitions of what being loved means.

Does it mean more touching or love-making, demonstrations of a desire to be with you more, or listening to you so that there's true understanding?

Susie knows she's loved because Otto shows her in many ways that she is important to him.

He doesn't just say it. He lives it.

Last Friday evening, we went to a restaurant with a few of our friends.

After dinner was over and we were all sitting around the table talking, Susie told Otto that she was tired, the music was loud and she was ready to go home.

He "felt" into her, into himself and listened to her request.

Otto realized that he wasn't attached to staying at the restaurant and saw and felt that Susie was ready to go home.

He didn't ask questions or make a comment. He simply looked at her and agreed.

In that moment, Susie felt a deep recognition that he was very present with her, she was deeply loved and her wishes were being respected by him.

Does that mean Susie always gets her way?

Of course not.

It just means that we've agreed that loving and being loved means listening and feeling deeply into the other and
into ourselves before we automatically react from old patterns.

2. Be willing to open to the idea that your partner might be changing. It just might not be in the way you want.

If your partner thinks he's changed, with an open heart, ask him how he has changed without blaming him for not being who you want him to be.

Listen and observe first.

The woman who sent us her question said that her husband seemed even more insecure.

When she senses him feeling insecure, she can open her heart and invite him to open up to her.

We're not saying that his changes may be enough for her or in any way what she wants.

We are saying that for anyone to make changes, he or she has to feel that there is acknowledgment for the changes that are being made along the way.

Something like this...

"I can see that you are making an effort to change..."

One woman is in therapy with her husband and was focusing so much on what their relationship wasn't that
she missed the changes he was making in himself.

Shift your focus to looking for the changes--whether they are exactly what you think they should be or not.

Acknowledge him for what he Is doing and not what he's not doing.

3. Discover what you both want in your relationship.

The two of you may not want the same type of relationship--or you may.

The problem is that your partner may not choose to open himself or herself to the relationship that you want.

In the end, we all make choices about how we want to live our lives and your two viewpoints may not be a close enough match for how you want to live.

For a way to help you sort it all out, there is help to know whether to stay or go.

But if the desire is there for both of you to follow a similar path and you both learn the skills that will take you to the relationship you want, it just might be possible.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

“Late Show” host David Letterman’s shocking admission of cheating, extra-marital affairs, and infidelity during Thursday night’s show leads to the obvious question—“Is any relationship or marriage safe from cheating and/or emotional extra-marital affairs?”

Lying, cheating and extra-marital affairs are commonplace today but there are things you can do to “cheat-proof” your relationship, even if there’s been cheating in the past. Here are 3 ways:

1. Go Back to What You Did in the Beginning That Made Your Relationship Special. As time goes on, people in marriages and relationships take each other for granted and forget why they were attracted to each other and fell in love in the first place. If you go back to looking for ways to be truly interested in each other again, you can recapture the bond that you once had—and make it even better as the years go by.

2. Only Flirt with Each Other. In relationships and marriages that have lasted many years, there can be flirting—but it may not be with their partner. To cheat-proof your relationship, turn your attention and your flirting toward the person you love instead of looking outside your relationship for that spark and ego-boost.

3. Stop “Talking on Eggshells” with each other. If you or your partner is critical, angry, or defensive with each other, there won’t be the trust and emotional connection to tell the truth so the lies and cheating come more easily. Make the agreement that you’ll speak your truth and listen to each other in an open, loving way. This doesn’t mean you’re without boundaries. It does mean that you can prevent the lies before they even begin.

Can anything be done if one of you has cheated and you want to stay together and make your relationship work again?

Yes—and there are some common mistakes that people make when they are trying to build trust after an affair.

Here are a couple...

1. One of these mistakes is not having a plan to rebuild trust. It’s not enough for the cheater to say “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” It has to be made very clear what being trustable means now after the affair and a plan has to be created so that the cheater and his or her partner can allow trust to build again.

2. Another big mistake is holding onto blame and judgment, even if the affair is over and the cheating partner is proving he or she is trustable.

It's possible to rebuild trust after the affair but there has to be a way to come together in a new way--and the one who cheated has to be open and willing to become accountable.

He or she has to be willing to prove that the cheating is over and that there is a renewed commitment to the primary relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)