The Biggest Mistake When Arguing With Your Partner...
It's a fact.
Arguments happen in relationships....
There's nothing new about this.
The challenge is...
What do you do when you have a disagreement or difference of opinion with someone?
One thing you DON'T want to do is what we call "talk on eggshells".
"Talking on eggshells" is to keep silent and NOT say what's true or what's coming up for you out of fear of what your partner will say, what they'll think or how they'll react.
And most of us find that we do "talk on eggshells" after an argument.
What do you do to work through arguments when they happen AND keep or regain your connection--even when you have a difference of opinion?
This is such a great question and...
Believe it or not--what you do in the split second that you feel a disconnection with another person, especially your loved ones, will determine how long you stay disconnected and distant--and if you ever feel truly close again.
Take a second right now and think about a time when you felt triggered or disconnected from a loved one.
What did you do?
Rewind the tape of the incident in your mind and slow it down so you can really see it.
We're guessing that unless you're really highly evolved and very self-aware, your initial reaction was one of three responses in some form or the other...
Fight, flight or freeze
And you might have different reactions in different situations with different people but there's probably one of these that you can pin-point that happens inside you more often.
Do you see which reaction you have most of the time?
We want to tell you which reactions the two of us have fallen into most of the time and how we work through any problems, challenges or misunderstandings that come up because of these reactions...
Consider using our example we're about to share to help you change any negative patterns in your relationship that happen when challenges come up for you.
In the past, when we have had misunderstandings and disagreements, Otto's habitual pattern has been to come toward Susie with a lot of intensity.
His physical body and mind races--his voice gets louder and his energy intensifies.
He becomes overpowering and pushing toward her because that's his unconscious way of getting what he wants--re-connection.
But of course it doesn't work that way!
On the other hand, Susie's knee-jerk, habitual response is to leave--to walk out of the room, to leave the situation.
As with most people, our responses were formed long before our current relationship.
When we looked at our previous relationships, we had similar reactions when things got tough with our previous partners.
It's just that in our relationship, we decided together that we couldn't have the relationship we wanted and still act out from our habitual responses.
We decided we had to learn to "stay."
We had to learn how to identify what we each do that takes us away from connection when we're upset and find a way to listen to and understand each other to find a solution to the situation.
As time has gone on--and with practice--Otto's gotten better at noticing when he's pushing and his intensity is "over the top."
Susie has gotten better at feeling the urge to run when things get tough. She's learned to calm her body and her mind so she can listen and speak from her heart.
To help our situation, Otto's agreed to calm down his intense energy when Susie makes a downward motion with her hand--as in turning down the volume on a stereo--in an open, loving way.
And then we do everything we can to stay open to each other and talk until we understand each other's motivation and point of view so we can feel the connection we love again.
We use "Magic Relationship Words" like "What's most important to you about _____?" to help us stay open and moving toward understanding one another.
Here are some ideas for you to try if you want to get out of your habitual ways and reconnect quicker and more easily when you feel at odds with one another...
1. Recognize what you do that takes you further from what you want.
It takes courage to do this and then change it--especially if your partner isn't buying into any of this.
But you know what?
If you hang on to what you always do, nothing will change.
2. Breathe when you notice you've gone into that familiar place.
At first, you may not be so good at catching yourself because the habit is so ingrained in you.
But if you keep at it, you'll begin to realize when you get the urge to leave, fight or when you freeze.
3. Bring yourself into the present situation and commit to staying present to what's in front of you.
Of course if you are in a dangerous situation--if the other person is a real threat to you, either emotionally or
physically, don't stay but get help as soon as possible.
If possible, both of you commit to "staying" with the process of listening and understanding one another--when you're not in the situation.
If your partner doesn't agree, you can still commit to yourself to learn how to stay open to listening and speaking your truth.
This doesn't mean that you agree with the person. It may mean that you set some loving boundary for yourself.
But it does mean that you are more conscious and able to respond from a centered place than from your habitual responses.
4. If you or your partner need to calm down and you can't do it in that moment, agree to come back together at a later time to discuss this issue.
Sometimes it's just impossible to get anywhere when emotions are high.
Just be clear when you're going to come back together and don't be tempted to sweep the issue under the rug, hoping it will go away if you ignore it.
It probably won't but will only get bigger.
We invite you to learn how to stay in the moment so you can get new understandings of your partner and of yourself.
After all, that's where the growth and connections are.
Comments
I am trembling and my writing is hap-hazard. Please do read this and I will tell more. I NEED HELP/ ADVICE As I HAD AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE. I had no choice. I didn’t know better. That is positive though but then you are supposed to know all about the other person!!!! The TRUTH!
He frightens me, gives me unnecessary tension. He refuses to acknowledge that part of the rights Islam gave to women including the fact that if she decides to work she does not have the responsibility to give to household matters. That’s the job of the man. He sees me as an inferior and looks up to western women. Why did he marry me then and immediately had me pregnant before even knowing me; WHO I AM.
I had to be full-time mother for 6 years whether I liked it or not; sees me as a servant a slave. I kept on obeying him as I DIDN”T KNOW BETTER!!!!!!
No apart finances were given to me always kind listening ear to other ladies taking out time to help them with their problems. Always the ladies’ man with them and according to him they are alright to work with freedom although they have children their own life. He is a true gentleman with them yet with me he behaves like a typical chauvinistic pig threatening to marry once again have another wife as according to he can have another wife
He has physically abused me thrice. He expects me to obey him all the time listen to his directions as to how to do things all the time. Last night he pulled off my quilt roughly as I was crying; I couldn’t help myself. His behavior from the previous days was very unloving and the source of unnecessary tension to me. He refuses to acknowledge my sensitive, nice, sweet, gentle nature. He thinks my genuine crying to be drama. I have MS, and he thought my symptoms of MS was laziness & did not believe me that something is wrong. Yes he does pay my Ms bills, however he forced me not to work when I was healthy saying he would support me. When our twp kids wer babies 7 toddlers he did extreme saving and I had no job was not allowed to study further as I had just migrated from Pakistan to Netherlands. He sent all his saving to Pakistan and its there with his siblings and I’m not allowed to ask questions. He calls it ‘my money’.
Anyway I fought for my rights & yes I do work 3 days in a week giving lessons to University students. It’s not a permanent job. I still have to get a Dutch teaching certificate to get a permanent job. I’m busy with driving lessons as I can now afford them. One thing at a time for me due to my MS sickness. He had refused to pay for my driving lessons
The other ladies whom he talks lovingly & nicely to only care for that of course; that along with their partners/husbands someone else is giving them tender, loving care and is willing to listen to their problems and help them. In public he does show care for me but in private he GIVES ME HELL and shouts at me degrades me IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN . He’s not friendly with me, he does NOT laugh with me he laughs AT me He behaves like my wicked mum and law/step-mom., least of all partner/husband/friend. Why does he dislike me so much? He is too clever for; he know how to behave in public that no one would ever believe me. They have no idea of his other dark side which he cleverly shows me in private..He shouted at me very harshly yesterday on Sunday morning and in the night he told me & our children he’s going off to play tennis with other women. Oh yes he’s deviously clever So help me God. I need to try and record it as proof; but I believe firmly God’s angels are watching. I need help. He doesn’t listen to me. We live here alone in an ethnic Dutch village in a very remote place; his choice of course. I had wanted to live in a more practical area where there were English-medium schools for our kids. He is a reasonably good father and I do not believe in making children suffer. He expects me to tolerate his temper with me then. According to him no metter how dominant , cruel & bossy his eldest sister is with me I should bear it with a smile & be his doormat. And she certainly has done her share here.
I am a normal red-blooded warm-hearted human being. So what if I’m sensitive and emotional- that’s how God made me and it has its advantages & attributes. I do not belive in washing your dirty linen in public but he’s taking full advantage of that. No Dutch person knows how he’s behaving with me. I have always asked him to be compassionate & kind with me as I’ve always been sensitive & nice. I’m too soft & nice.
I am an Ahmadi Muslim believing in’ love for all hatred for none’ & it is so embarrassing & ironical for me that the religion which brought about women’s rights & kindess & compassion with women, my so-called Ahmadi muslim husband is meting out non-compassionate, bossy, dominating behaviour to me.
Posted by: Anonymous | September 28, 2009 02:41 PM