Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If you're like us...

You wish no one ever lied.

You wish everyone was honest and forthcoming.

You wish there could be enough trust and communication to be able to tell the people you love anything and have them do the same without judgment...

But, the truth is sometimes people lie to us and hurt us.

Sometimes even the people closest to us lie to us (including our partner, spouse or lover)

Sometimes these lies are small, innocent lies and other times these lies are about much bigger things like cheating, an affair or infidelity.

We ALL want to trust others and it's painful when you feel you can't.

As you think about it...

Wouldn't life be much easier if you could tell instantly and with certainty if someone
(especially your intimate partner or spouse) is telling you the truth or not?

Just think about it...

Whether you're dealing with a partner who is constantly late from work and doesn't give you much of an explanation, your teenager who gives you a one-word answer about who he or she was with, or your co-worker who says the project will be finished tomorrow...

It would be great if there was a magic doorway they had to pass through and lights started flashing if they were lying to you.

Well we don't know of any magic doorway with flashing lights but we have done some research and can offer you some very practical ways to tell if someone is lying to you, especially if you suspect your partner may be cheating.

This is why we're doing a brand new web audio cast and teleseminar next week that you can listen in to (no matter where you live)...

The online class we're doing is called...

"How to Spot a Liar"

...and you can read more about it or sign up if you're afraid someone close to you is lying to you.

So why do people lie to us--especially those we love or claim to love us?

According to University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman, men lie to make themselves look better and women are more likely to lie to make the other person feel better.

Now of course those are generalizations and not true of every man or woman--but if you look closely, you can probably see some element of truth to it in your life.

And the other person may not even call what he or she is telling you a lie--even though it feels like it to you.

This past week, we were at a retreat and stayed in a condo with four good friends.

We agreed to do an exercise that required us to be totally honest with each other and say what we might normally keep to ourselves.

Because this was our agreement, we felt safe in saying what was totally real for us.

It's not as if we usually practice lying to each other but two things became apparent during this exercise...

1. How often we hold back "the truth" because we don't want to cause potential conflict or hurt someone's feelings.

And

2. How telling "the truth" sometimes takes courage and a level of trust that the other person is willing to hear what you want to say.

Now should you say whatever comes into your head?

Not necessarily.

It is important, however, to be able to say what's important to you and possibly the other person.

But what if you feel like You are the one who's being lied to?

The problem is that lying, whether an omission or intentionally giving you false information, tears down trust and intimacy between the two of you.

If you've had jealousy or trust issues in past relationships or in your current one, your radar may really be set on "high" as far as detecting a lie--especially if you fear that he or she is cheating.

In fact, you may be seeing things that aren't really there.

And maybe you're really confused as to whether to trust your gut feelings that tell you that "something's wrong" or "not quite right" but you don't know whether to believe them or not.

So how do you put all these internal suspicions to rest so you can get on with your life?

How do you find out if your partner or another is lying to you or not?

First of all, you have to determine whether you really want to find out the information or not.

Claire was scared that her husband was having an affair because he seemed to not want to talk to her about anything and was really distant.

She was afraid to ask him about it because she didn't want to make him angry and was fearful that he would tell her that he didn't love her anymore and wanted a divorce.

To her, it was far worse to possibly be alone than to know the truth of the situation once and for all.

Eva on the other hand was tired of not knowing whether her suspicions were true or not. She was tired of the stress that she felt all the time carrying these doubts and suspicions around with her constantly.

She was ready to find out the truth.

So, if you think someone is lying to you, (especially someone like a partner, spouse or lover) you have to find out inside you if you truly want to know the truth and possibly live with the consequences--or not.

This is huge.

What's interesting is...

Sometimes the "truth" comes out whether you're ready for it or not.

But sometimes not.

Just be sure that you are honest with yourself that you truly want the answer and then start collecting facts and inconsistencies.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Who's the "problem" in your relationship?

If you're like most people, your answer is probably pretty quick and definite...

Your partner!

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"I am certain that my husband is the 'Problem' in our marriage because of the way he communicates negatively and messes things up and he is certain that I am the 'Problem' in the relationship.

"How do we find out 'who' is causing the bad communication, but I need to know who is causing it because I only get upset at the way my husband talks or handles our problems and not at the actual issue itself.

"How do we find out who is causing the problem even though I know we shouldn't put the blame on each other, but I'm certain our relationship would be better if my husband handled things differently."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

What a wonderful question!

We don't care how "enlightened" and "together" you are--

At some point in your life and in some relationship (maybe more than one), you've had this very same thought.

You may or may not have voiced it--but you sure thought it.

We know because we've certainly been there--even in our own relationship!

This thought we're talking about is...

"If only he (or she) would do this (or stop doing this), everything would be okay!"

Well, if you've ever had this thought, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news is that because we all have different experiences and approach life differently, it's pretty "normal" for couples (even those deeply in love) to look at the other person as being the problem in their relationship.

What happens most of the time is...

If things don't seem "right" in your communication or relationship, you then start looking for all the possible reasons why.

When you start running down all the possible reasons, your mind (which loves to attach to stories) finds a story it can believe, attach to and hold on to and guess what?

It's just like looking for the robber who just robbed the bank--you, anyone or the police would naturally assume that the person who just fled the bank as the alarm was going off was the robber.

Just like when there's a problem in our relationships--we first look at ourselves and say "I didn't do it". or "I'm not the problem" because what we said or did makes logical sense--to us.

When we figure out that we couldn't have had anything (or not much) to do with a communication breakdown, we naturally start looking at the people we're in relationship with and think...

If I'm NOT the problem, then it must be my partner, spouse or lover.

We rationalize--they're the one that's causing the problem.

Or so we think.

This is a scenario that plays out over and over in almost every relationship and it's what we call the "blame game."

Since it's so normal--it's very "fixable."

The bad news is that in order to "fix" the problem, one or both of you have to let go.

It's like you're both holding onto a rope, with your feet firmly planted, bodies tensed and pulling with all of your might in two different directions.

No chance of getting the connection and love you want when this is going on!

In fact, just the opposite happens.

You get further apart.

It's not uncommon for one person to get tired of pulling so hard and just give up--letting the rope go or giving in.

While they might have let go of the rope or given in, they have not let go of anger, resentment and the feeling of being right.

So even though one person "wins," no one really wins because the two of you never truly come together and re-connect.

And if you both won't let go of the rope, holding on for dear life, it's just as painful for each of you.

So what do you do when there's a stand-off and you don't know what to do?

The two of us remember a particular situation that used to come up between us again and again.

Like our Reader, Susie thought the way Otto communicated was the problem.

You guessed it...

Otto thought the way Susie communicated was the problem.

Here's the way it usually worked...

Susie: "Otto's tone of voice was condescending and makes me feel like I am stupid."

Otto: "Susie's controlling and she makes me feel like it always has to be her way."

It didn't matter who started it or what the particular problem was, it was a stand-off and both of us felt like we were "right."

So how did we get out of it?

First of all, it's never easy to stop doing what you are used to doing.

Old patterns are automatic and rule us whether we like to admit it or not.

So we're not saying it's easy to get out of your or our blame game.

What we are saying is that you have to find a way to communicate what's going on within you or what's important to you without blaming that other person.

We give you dozens of practical ways to communicate your truth without blaming in our "Stop Talking On
Eggshells program.

And here's the thing...

To get out of it, you have to want connection more.

It just takes one to let go of the rope--but let go of it without anger and bitterness.

So the first thing the two of us did, that we recommend you do, is to change your question.

Change your question from "who" to "what."

Instead of "who said this" or "who did this," shift your attention to "what" is coming up inside for both of you.

You might be saying, "I might be able to do this but my partner won't"--and you might be right or you might not be.

All it takes is for you to stop blaming what he or she is saying or doing and admit what thoughts you are having about YOU.

Separate them out from what the other person said or did.

In other words, own them because if you're really honest, they were there all the time.

In our situation, we saw that no one could MAKE us feel a certain way--and that was a huge realization.

Then we told each other the thoughts and feelings that were underneath our reactions.

When we started listening to each other, we quickly realized that how we appeared to the other person didn't match how we were feeling.

Susie didn't feel "controlling" even though she may have come off that way and Otto wasn't feeling superior, even though his voice sounded that way to Susie.

We began to understand each other a little better.

We began to understand what we each do automatically when we're triggered--and how that is perceived by the other person.

And this was NOT how we thought we were coming off.

We realized how we played off each other to create our particular stalemate--how we both "puffed" ourselves up when we felt like we were in danger of not getting our way.

Even though it was all an illusion!

Was this a deal-breaker in our relationship?

Maybe not a deal-breaker but it certainly could have destroyed our relationship if we had allowed it to stay that way.

So one great question to ask yourself is one we heard a very wise person ask...

"How are you setting it up for this person to behave in ways you don't like?"

Hint--look at your reaction when you get triggered from your partner's point of view even though you might not think you're doing anything.

If you start answering this question for yourself and making some new choices, you'll see your blame game start to dissolve.

And you'll see your love and connection deepen right before your eyes.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's a fact.

Arguments happen in relationships....

There's nothing new about this.

The challenge is...

What do you do when you have a disagreement or difference of opinion with someone?

One thing you DON'T want to do is what we call "talk on eggshells".

"Talking on eggshells" is to keep silent and NOT say what's true or what's coming up for you out of fear of what your partner will say, what they'll think or how they'll react.

And most of us find that we do "talk on eggshells" after an argument.

What do you do to work through arguments when they happen AND keep or regain your connection--even when you have a difference of opinion?

This is such a great question and...

Believe it or not--what you do in the split second that you feel a disconnection with another person, especially your loved ones, will determine how long you stay disconnected and distant--and if you ever feel truly close again.

Take a second right now and think about a time when you felt triggered or disconnected from a loved one.

What did you do?

Rewind the tape of the incident in your mind and slow it down so you can really see it.

We're guessing that unless you're really highly evolved and very self-aware, your initial reaction was one of three responses in some form or the other...

Fight, flight or freeze

And you might have different reactions in different situations with different people but there's probably one of these that you can pin-point that happens inside you more often.

Do you see which reaction you have most of the time?

We want to tell you which reactions the two of us have fallen into most of the time and how we work through any problems, challenges or misunderstandings that come up because of these reactions...

Consider using our example we're about to share to help you change any negative patterns in your relationship that happen when challenges come up for you.

In the past, when we have had misunderstandings and disagreements, Otto's habitual pattern has been to come toward Susie with a lot of intensity.

His physical body and mind races--his voice gets louder and his energy intensifies.

He becomes overpowering and pushing toward her because that's his unconscious way of getting what he wants--re-connection.

But of course it doesn't work that way!

On the other hand, Susie's knee-jerk, habitual response is to leave--to walk out of the room, to leave the situation.

As with most people, our responses were formed long before our current relationship.

When we looked at our previous relationships, we had similar reactions when things got tough with our previous partners.

It's just that in our relationship, we decided together that we couldn't have the relationship we wanted and still act out from our habitual responses.

We decided we had to learn to "stay."

We had to learn how to identify what we each do that takes us away from connection when we're upset and find a way to listen to and understand each other to find a solution to the situation.

As time has gone on--and with practice--Otto's gotten better at noticing when he's pushing and his intensity is "over the top."

Susie has gotten better at feeling the urge to run when things get tough. She's learned to calm her body and her mind so she can listen and speak from her heart.

To help our situation, Otto's agreed to calm down his intense energy when Susie makes a downward motion with her hand--as in turning down the volume on a stereo--in an open, loving way.

And then we do everything we can to stay open to each other and talk until we understand each other's motivation and point of view so we can feel the connection we love again.

We use "Magic Relationship Words" like "What's most important to you about _____?" to help us stay open and moving toward understanding one another.

Here are some ideas for you to try if you want to get out of your habitual ways and reconnect quicker and more easily when you feel at odds with one another...

1. Recognize what you do that takes you further from what you want.

It takes courage to do this and then change it--especially if your partner isn't buying into any of this.

But you know what?

If you hang on to what you always do, nothing will change.

2. Breathe when you notice you've gone into that familiar place.

At first, you may not be so good at catching yourself because the habit is so ingrained in you.

But if you keep at it, you'll begin to realize when you get the urge to leave, fight or when you freeze.

3. Bring yourself into the present situation and commit to staying present to what's in front of you.

Of course if you are in a dangerous situation--if the other person is a real threat to you, either emotionally or
physically, don't stay but get help as soon as possible.

If possible, both of you commit to "staying" with the process of listening and understanding one another--when you're not in the situation.

If your partner doesn't agree, you can still commit to yourself to learn how to stay open to listening and speaking your truth.

This doesn't mean that you agree with the person. It may mean that you set some loving boundary for yourself.

But it does mean that you are more conscious and able to respond from a centered place than from your habitual responses.

4. If you or your partner need to calm down and you can't do it in that moment, agree to come back together at a later time to discuss this issue.

Sometimes it's just impossible to get anywhere when emotions are high.

Just be clear when you're going to come back together and don't be tempted to sweep the issue under the rug, hoping it will go away if you ignore it.

It probably won't but will only get bigger.

We invite you to learn how to stay in the moment so you can get new understandings of your partner and of yourself.

After all, that's where the growth and connections are.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What do you do when you're in a relationship that's got some aspect to it that's "OK" but you find that you're still wanting more?

No matter what that one part is...

You're got to be able to identify what it is you want more of and to think that it's possible to get it.

We know what it's like...

Maybe you're like the person who wrote us today--who had worked through her jealousy but she's frustrated because she can't get her partner to share his feelings with her.

Maybe you and your partner have the same fight over and over and you can't seem to agree--but a lot of your relationship is good.

Maybe you love each other and you don't want to leave but sometimes you wonder just who this person is and why you are with him or her.

If you can relate, we know what you mean because we've been there.

We were there most of the time in both of our previous marriages...

We know what it feels like to love someone and your relationship to be "okay" but you want something more--but maybe don't know what it is or how to go about getting it.

Our question to you is this...

Are you feeding and expanding your relationship potential?

And another important question for you is...

Do you believe that more is possible for you in your relationship or marriage?

For most people, the sad truth is that they DON"T believe more is possible and that's why they settle for mediocrity.

Today, we watched a great online video by one of our favorite teachers Tony Robbins about what keeps you from succeeding in what you want.

He said that success usually happens when people hit rock bottom and they say to themselves that they are sick of this--and then they start changing themselves.

They start doing the "rituals"--1 thing a day or 1 thing a week--to follow-through to get to their goal.

These rituals become "musts" and not "maybes."

More importantly, they changed the way they thought of their potential for success in their minds.

Okay, so let's translate this to your relationship.

If you have an "okay" or "not-too-bad" marriage or relationship, you probably haven't hit rock bottom and you may or may not be at the point where you're saying to yourself, "I'm sick of this!"

We're suggesting that even though you may not be at that point (and great if you aren't because it can be pretty traumatic if you are)--we invite you to consider making a shift in what you see your potential in your relationship to be.

Take action from the place inside you that you can see the potential for what you want--and it you don't know what that is, go search for it.

When we were first together, we didn't have a clue what we wanted for our relationship. We just knew that we wanted something deeper, more passionate, and more connected than we had in our previous relationships.

We had to see the potential for something greater.

Separately, before we got together, we read Gary Zukav's "Seat of the Soul," among other books that started us creating our vision for what is possible in relationships.

From that point, we continually expand this vision--and that's part of the magic that keeps us loving and growing together over the years.

So in this area of our lives, we've been able to do as Tony explained...

We saw and felt the potential of a great relationship, we took action toward it, we got results which re-enforced beliefs that it is possible.

Now, what we do every day is to be constantly looking for evidence of how great the other is while at the same time be looking outside ourselves for new models and ideas of how to expand our love and connection beyond the level it is now (which is pretty high.)

So what if you're in a situation like the woman who contacted us...

What if your partner doesn't express his emotions to your satisfaction or you can't talk to one another or the thrill is gone--and you don't want to leave?

What then?

Here are some ideas...

1. First off, commit to an expanded vision of what's possible for you in relationship.

Where do you find that vision if all you've seen so far is relationships that are just okay or even really bad?

Start reading books that will stimulate the potential for more inside you and maybe even inside your partner.

For instance, if you're interested in a deeper, closer, more passionate relationship, you might check out our "Red Hot Love Relationships" for some tasteful ideas about how to create deeper intimacy.

Don't be depressed that it isn't happening right now for you.

Just get that picture for what you want and start feeling even a glimmer inside you that it is possible.

2. Take action toward your goal

Actually do what Tony Robbins suggests about creating "rituals" every week or every day.

Ask yourself-- "What continual actions can take me toward what I want."

You might decide to practice appreciating your partner 3 times every day in a genuine way.

You might decide to have a date night every week and stick to it.

You might start working through a communication course that will help you get closer and understand each other better.

If you start working on a course like our "Red Hot Love Relationships" or our communication
course "Stop Talking on Eggshells" at
--who knows, your partner might surprise you and decide to go through it with you.

3. Watch for results.

Be on the look out for results that you can point to--no matter how small--that show that you are moving toward your goal.

Many of us have the unfortunate habit of looking at the glass half empty and not half full. In other words, we see and focus on what's wrong rather than notice what's going right.

If you want more of what's going right, start acknowledging that something IS going right!

4. As you move along in this process, notice how your beliefs change for what's possible.

It's a cycle that can either propel you toward what you want or keep you mired in what you don't want.

The choice is really yours.

We invite you this week to expand what you think your potential is for your life and for your relationships.

We invite you to expand your ideas of having greater love in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)