Marriage Advice: When libido dies--What to do
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
"I have a question which possibly reflects other relationships & hope you may have some suggestions.
"We are a couple married about 7 years, both in our mid 50s. My first wife passed away 10 years ago, my current wife had a 20 year marriage which she chose to end, then a 7-year relationship which she was left behind.
"We have no children living with us from either of our earlier marriages & we are very much in love.
"My problem is however the loss of her libido. We had a fully satisfying physical side to our courtship & early married years, but over the past 2 - 3 years her desire has dwindled to zero.
"I am not interested in going outside the marriage for satisfaction. We have talked this over repeatedly but despite her wishing to be my mate in the fullest sense, there has been no regular positive reaction to my approaches.
"I am not demanding. I believe I am fully understanding. If anything, I take the earliest signs of her discomfort & back off without further pushing my desire.
"I love this woman & she loves me. Is there anything you think can help?"
>>>OUR COMMENTS:
Thanks for your question--And you are so right!
You are one of many living with the same question--
There's love--but how do you deal with your partner's lower libido?
And it's a very frustrating situation.
You don't want to leave or go outside the relationship.
You just want to have that special, intimate connection that you used to have with your beloved.
Since we don't have a special crystal ball that shows us exactly what's going on in your relationship, we can't say for sure but here are some possible reasons for lower libido that other people have expressed and some suggestions for what to do about it...
1. Physical issues
Anything from physical aches and pains of any kind to sometimes painful menopausal symptoms can kill desire.
As a body's chemistry changes, there may not be enough build up to the actual love-making act--which can be a contributing factor to lower desire.
What used to be instant, may now take some time and loving attention.
The fear of experiencing physical pain while making love can certainly keep you from fully participating in love-making that used to come so easily.
Of course, certain prescriptions drugs can have a physical effect on libido also.
2. Emotional issues
Whether you are a man or a woman--unfinished business and unresolved emotions and issues from this relationship or past relationships can come between the two of you and make love-making impossible.
They can come up at any time too. Even if things have gone along really well for many years, those old ghosts can come up unexpectantly and stay until they are dealt with and put to rest.
There can also be a feeling of lack of safety and trust in the relationship (or in life or in the other person)--and opening yourself to physical intimacy may not be possible because of the protective shield you put up.
A big emotional issue that can put an end to desire is the gradual end of connection and intimacy OUTSIDE the bedroom.
Many couples simply stop opening to each other in that way and keeping their love alive.
They rely on coming together every now and then for physical love-making--when it fits into both busy schedules.
You can't keep desire alive that way!
3. Mental issues
Negative self-talk can certainly kill libido--whether it be "My body is changing and I'm not as attractive as I once was" or "I'm too old (too fat, too plain) to be desirable."
You might even have the reoccurring thought that you don't want to disappoint your partner--that you're not _________enough (fill in the blank)--so why even try.
Of course these aren't the ONLY reasons that a person's libido can change over time.
Our culture says that older people have less desire as the years go by and that desire lessens (and dies) between two people as the years go by.
We get brainwashed.
We don't believe it!
There are too many exceptions to that "rule" to make it absolutely "true" for everyone's experience.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Here's one final possibility why libido is lower...
4. The sexual polarity is gone...
This idea of "sexual polarity" is way bigger and more complex than we can completely go into here but here's a quick explanation of this idea...
Otto once attended a workshop by David Deida where he said that "Sexual attraction is based on sexual polarity, the force of passion that arcs between masculine and feminine poles."
What this essentially means is...
Just like the battery in your car or the electrical outlet in your home has both positive and negative poles that create an electrical flow-- In the same way, masculine and feminine poles between people create the flow sexual
polarity.
If the energy of both people has "evened out" and is the same-- then that "arc" that causes passion and the spark will no longer be there.
Libido is one of the first things to go when this happens.
So let's back up and we'll give some tips on regaining the spark in your relationship...
1. Ask with an open heart--"What would you like in this situation?"
This is one of those phrases that we talk about in our "Magic Relationship Words"program that can gently open the other person to share his or her inner thoughts and desires.
If you are the one whose partner seems to have less desire than you want, it's time to create a safe space for listening to your partner--allowing him or her to speak what's truly in their heart--without judging or retreating.
Don't get defensive--Just listen with love and really take in what's being said. It will give you a clue what the next step needs to be for the two of you.
Then ask if your partner is willing to hear your ideas and if so, share what vision you have for the two of you and for your relationship.
If you are the person whose desire seems lower than your partner's, be willing to search inside yourself for what you are feeling. Don't hide it from yourself or your partner.
Be willing to share what is real for you and also be willing to listen.
We know this might take courage.
It doesn't mean you have to do anything to satisfy your partner's needs, but if you want to stay in a relationship that grows, you will need to truly listen to what's in your partner's heart and also what's in your own.
2. Create a mutual commitment.
From what you both learned from each other, create a commitment around your intimate relationship.
It might be that you read some books that will help you both "get on the same page" and put some life back into your relationship.
There are many tasteful books out there and it can even be fun to go to a bookstore to browse "that" section.
We wrote our "Red Hot Love Relationships" book for just this reason--to give 77 ideas (not positions or techniques) for re-igniting the passion that was once there.
But both of you have to WANT to re-ignite it.
That's why making a loving commitment to each other is so important.
And that commitment can be as simple as spending 15 minutes each day just sitting holding hands or looking into each other's eyes.
3. Start slow but don't retreat.
When there's a difference in desire, it's really important to take some steps back and start slow with each other.
It's equally important to not retreat at the first sign of discomfort or unease.
You might think you're being "kind" but "retreating" can feel very lonely to both of you.
If you think you are "pushing" your desire, how about a reframe?
How about reframing it to finding a way that you both can feel comfortable connecting intimately?
If you are both committed to regaining the passion that once was (could even look very different), it's helpful if part of your commitment to each is to not run away or retreat.
We're not saying to ignore boundaries or the other person's wishes.
We're saying to start slow--by making eye contact, connecting and touching only (non-private parts to begin with)--and when "discomfort" comes up, to stay.
We use this idea in our own relationship.
What "staying" means to us is this...
As soon as a person feels discomfort or whatever the feeling is that comes up to kill intimacy and desire--go inside (without beating yourself up) and simply feel what's there.
It may be that words need to be said or not.
The other person can ask the question we gave you earlier--"What would you like right now?"--and then wait for an answer.
It might be to simply be held.
In those times, make the commitment to come toward each other rather than away from.
You do this with love, understanding and openness.
Our final words of advice are...
If you love each other, don't give up.
Back up, start over and open yourselves to what's there right now and what can be there.
