2 Communication Strategies that Usually Backfire
There are two typical ways you (and almost everyone else) reacts to relationship challenges and issues (especially if you want to keep the peace)...
The first way is to "withdraw" or "retreat"...
And the second way you most often react is by lashing out, striking back or complaining...
If your typical pattern in relationships is to "withdraw" or step back and NOT always say what's important to you or what's on your mind--then you do what we call "talking on eggshells."
This is just as destructive for your relationship as what the flip side of this (which we'll talkabout in a moment...
What we've found is...
It's always better to say what's on your mind in your relationship than to hold it in--don't you agree?
The problem is there's usually a right way and a wrong way to do it.
So what about the other strategy we often use that almost never works?
Of course we're talking about complaining...
You may complain more or less than other people--but if you're human, you probably do it from time to time.
Besides, complaining to the right person--someone who will lovingly nod when you pour out your heart--just plain feels good...
But does it?
It's kind of like eating that thing that you know will upset your stomach later--but it looks so good and tastes so good going down that you eat it anyway.
Complaining can be fun while you're doing it--in an odd sort of way--but afterwards, you're left with an empty
feeling that something isn't quite right.
That warm, fuzzy feeling just slips away.
Somehow we think that if we complainn loud enough and often enough, we'll get our point across--but it usually
doesn't turn out that way.
We all complain for various reasons even if we're not aware of them...
1. We get validation that we are "right."
2. We get love and sympathy.
3. We get attention--even if it's negative
and given grudgingly.
But there's a downside to complaining...
It keeps you stuck in the past and keeps you from going for what you want.
How can you possibly create what you want if you're constantly talking about what hurts, what you don't have or what you have that is really painful?
You can't.
You have to stop complaining if you want changes to happen for the better in your life.
But here's the Catch 22...
Does that mean that you have to put a smiley face on when you're with other people and never let them know how
you REALLY feel?
Do you have to wear this false face of optimism and never let them see the real you?
Of course not.
That's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about a simple change of focus.
Here's a story that might make it a little clearer...
Rachel and Joe have been married for 15 years and both would say that they were happy in their marriage...
Except when Rachel gets "bossy" and tries to "force" Joe into doing things her way.
Joe usually shuts down and pulls away from her when he hears her complaints that he isn't doing it "right."
Sometimes she gets her way but often times, Joe sulks, digs in his heels and won't do what she wants.
It turns into a vicious cycle.
As Rachel pushes harder to get Joe to see that her way is "right," he moves further away from her and gets angry.
Rachel complains to her friends and they all sympathize because they have problems of their own with their spouses.
But none of this is working.
Rachel and Joe are both frustrated.
They love each other but don't know how to step out of their drama.
With a little help, Rachel decided to go cold turkey and stop complaining--to everyone about Joe and to Joe himself.
Even though it was a little awkward with her friends, she stopped herself from complaining about Joe every time
the urge came to her.
When her friends were complaining about their husbands, Rachel kept quiet.
When Joe lost his job, she decided to stop her complaints and do it differently.
Before, if this had happened, Rachel would have told him exactly what he needed to do to get his next job and
then get mad and complain when he didn't do all the things she suggested.
This time, she chose to use a few of our "Magic Relationship Words" to open the conversation with him to hear how he wanted to be supported and what his next steps might be.
She said, "Please tell me how I can support you right now."
It took a lot of courage on her part to just stay quiet as he began to talk--tentatively at first--but she did.
Every time she got scared that he wasn't going to get another job because he wouldn't do it "her" way, she stopped herself.
She took a breath and silently said "I love you" to herself and to Joe--and she listened to his ideas.
In the next couple of months, as Joe was job-hunting, every time her fears got the better of her and she wanted
to complain to her friends or to Joe that he didn't have a job yet--she took a breath and said "I love you."
She also started focusing on some things she could so that just involved her to help their temporary situation.
Joe and Rachel broke their negative pattern. Rachel stopped complaining and Joe started opening more to her.
So, here's an important question for you about your relationships...
Can you see any place in your life where complaints keep you from what you want?
If so, here are a few suggestions to help you stop so you can create more of what you want instead of what you don't want...
1. Start with one particular issue and take the "no complaint" pledge--starting for one week.
It might be that you are constantly complaining about your body size or some particular thing that really irritates you about your partner.
Identify one area of your life thatncould improve if you stopped complaining about it.
Why keep doing it because your complaining hasn't worked up until now?
2. When the urge to complain comes up, take a breath and choose a phrase to tell yourself instead.
You might use the "I love you" phrase as we described above or something else that speaks to you--that will stop your negative thoughts about the situation.
3. If you need to make a request, make it a true request and not a complaint disguised as a request.
If you've been saying something like this...
"Nobody ever takes the garbage out but me!"
Try this instead...
"Let's talk about how we can all share in the household chores like taking out the garbage."
That way you're not trying to guilt-trip the other person into doing what you want but you are rather being honest and opening up the opportunity for a conversation about the issue.
The key here is to listen to each other and then make an agreement about what will work best.
Complaints never get you what you truly want--there are always strings attached.
You always feel like you have to keep complaining to keep getting what you want--if it happens at all.
If this hasn't worked for you, try our "no complaint" challenge and see what happens for the better in your life.
