Love and Relationship Advice Blog

What do you do when your partner isn't making it easy for you to stop being jealous?

What do you do next to stop the jealousy and put this behind you forever?

Let's look at your best case scenario...

A "best case" scenario for healing jealousy is when you and your partner work together to make the changes in your relationship that help each of you feel loved and supported--but what happens when you don't get that support?

What happens when you want to stop feeling your intense, sometimes out-of-control jealous feelings but your partner tells you it's your problem--not his or her's?

What happens when you want to get over jealousy and your partner keeps doing what he or she has been doing that brings up jealousy and refuses to stop doing it?

Your partner may even be saying or doing things that undermine your self-confidence, self-esteem, love and connection and..

How does that make you feel that your partner--the one that you love-- isn't supporting you in ways that would help both of you and the relationship?

Frustrating and upsetting probably wouldn't even begin to describe how you feel inside about this situation.

Recently, a woman wrote to us telling us that her partner wasn't making it easy for her to stop being jealous--and she wanted some advice.

If you are in this kind of situation right now, you certainly know how this woman feels.

We're guessing that you feel very alone, frustrated and don't know where to turn.

You've probably tried to talk with your partner about it but it doesn't seem to do any good; in fact, he or she just gets angry and moves further from you.

As you can guess, there is no easy answer.

It would be nice if your partner made it "easy" for you to trust and not be jealous...but that's just not what's happening.

What's happening is that you are left to deal with this by yourself.

But strange as it sounds, that doesn't have to stop you from healing jealousy--and here's how...

You can find the support you need inside yourself.

Sound impossible?

It doesn't have to be and here's why...

When you're facing a brick wall (your uncooperative partner), no amount of pushing will get you what you want.

You may want your partner to "change," but he or she simply refuses to--and no amount of trying to manipulate and control gives you want you want.

You have to change your tactics and look within you.

If you can relate to any of this, here are some ideas to help you...

1. Make the commitment to yourself to do what it takes to stop jealousy in your life, no matter what others are or are not doing.

You might need to "prove" to your partner by your actions that you are changing for the better.

You might need to become trustable before they give you the support you so want.

We know that sounds backwards but it could be what's going on.

Next...

2. Stop generalizing when you talk to your partner about getting his or her support as you learn how to stop your jealousy.

If you say something like--"I want your support to stop jealousy" or even "If you would only support me, I could stop being jealous!"--that's way too general to get you what you want.

It can also some across as accusatory and just create the opposite of what you want.

Instead, ask yourself what support would look like to you in specific situations.

Really get specific and make requests from an open place inside you.

You could use a phrase like "What I'd really like in this situation is_____..."

...and then tell them specifically and exactly what you want from them and how they can best help and support you.

If you find that you sometimes struggle for the "right" words to say in situations like these-- "Magic Relationship Words" can help you.

3. If you have known deep inside you that your partner is acting in ways that are destroying your relationship and
you haven't known what to do, it may be time for you to decide whether to stay in this relationship or not.

If you need support with this decision, our "Should you stay or should you
go?" course was created to help you make your best decision possible about whether to stay in or leave your relationship.

While we always suggest that you turn toward your relationship to see what's there, we know that having some support to sort it all out can be helpful.

If you're finding that your partner isn't making it easy for you to stop being jealous, stop focusing on that idea and start focusing on the idea that you can stop jealousy.

You really can--whether you have a cooperative partner or not.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There are two typical ways you (and almost everyone else) reacts to relationship challenges and issues (especially if you want to keep the peace)...

The first way is to "withdraw" or "retreat"...

And the second way you most often react is by lashing out, striking back or complaining...

If your typical pattern in relationships is to "withdraw" or step back and NOT always say what's important to you or what's on your mind--then you do what we call "talking on eggshells."

This is just as destructive for your relationship as what the flip side of this (which we'll talkabout in a moment...

What we've found is...

It's always better to say what's on your mind in your relationship than to hold it in--don't you agree?

The problem is there's usually a right way and a wrong way to do it.

So what about the other strategy we often use that almost never works?

Of course we're talking about complaining...

You may complain more or less than other people--but if you're human, you probably do it from time to time.

Besides, complaining to the right person--someone who will lovingly nod when you pour out your heart--just plain feels good...

But does it?

It's kind of like eating that thing that you know will upset your stomach later--but it looks so good and tastes so good going down that you eat it anyway.

Complaining can be fun while you're doing it--in an odd sort of way--but afterwards, you're left with an empty
feeling that something isn't quite right.

That warm, fuzzy feeling just slips away.

Somehow we think that if we complainn loud enough and often enough, we'll get our point across--but it usually
doesn't turn out that way.

We all complain for various reasons even if we're not aware of them...

1. We get validation that we are "right."
2. We get love and sympathy.
3. We get attention--even if it's negative
and given grudgingly.

But there's a downside to complaining...

It keeps you stuck in the past and keeps you from going for what you want.

How can you possibly create what you want if you're constantly talking about what hurts, what you don't have or what you have that is really painful?

You can't.

You have to stop complaining if you want changes to happen for the better in your life.

But here's the Catch 22...

Does that mean that you have to put a smiley face on when you're with other people and never let them know how
you REALLY feel?

Do you have to wear this false face of optimism and never let them see the real you?

Of course not.

That's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about a simple change of focus.

Here's a story that might make it a little clearer...

Rachel and Joe have been married for 15 years and both would say that they were happy in their marriage...

Except when Rachel gets "bossy" and tries to "force" Joe into doing things her way.

Joe usually shuts down and pulls away from her when he hears her complaints that he isn't doing it "right."

Sometimes she gets her way but often times, Joe sulks, digs in his heels and won't do what she wants.

It turns into a vicious cycle.

As Rachel pushes harder to get Joe to see that her way is "right," he moves further away from her and gets angry.

Rachel complains to her friends and they all sympathize because they have problems of their own with their spouses.

But none of this is working.

Rachel and Joe are both frustrated.

They love each other but don't know how to step out of their drama.

With a little help, Rachel decided to go cold turkey and stop complaining--to everyone about Joe and to Joe himself.

Even though it was a little awkward with her friends, she stopped herself from complaining about Joe every time
the urge came to her.

When her friends were complaining about their husbands, Rachel kept quiet.

When Joe lost his job, she decided to stop her complaints and do it differently.

Before, if this had happened, Rachel would have told him exactly what he needed to do to get his next job and
then get mad and complain when he didn't do all the things she suggested.

This time, she chose to use a few of our "Magic Relationship Words" to open the conversation with him to hear how he wanted to be supported and what his next steps might be.

She said, "Please tell me how I can support you right now."

It took a lot of courage on her part to just stay quiet as he began to talk--tentatively at first--but she did.

Every time she got scared that he wasn't going to get another job because he wouldn't do it "her" way, she stopped herself.

She took a breath and silently said "I love you" to herself and to Joe--and she listened to his ideas.

In the next couple of months, as Joe was job-hunting, every time her fears got the better of her and she wanted
to complain to her friends or to Joe that he didn't have a job yet--she took a breath and said "I love you."

She also started focusing on some things she could so that just involved her to help their temporary situation.

Joe and Rachel broke their negative pattern. Rachel stopped complaining and Joe started opening more to her.

So, here's an important question for you about your relationships...

Can you see any place in your life where complaints keep you from what you want?

If so, here are a few suggestions to help you stop so you can create more of what you want instead of what you don't want...

1. Start with one particular issue and take the "no complaint" pledge--starting for one week.

It might be that you are constantly complaining about your body size or some particular thing that really irritates you about your partner.

Identify one area of your life thatncould improve if you stopped complaining about it.

Why keep doing it because your complaining hasn't worked up until now?

2. When the urge to complain comes up, take a breath and choose a phrase to tell yourself instead.

You might use the "I love you" phrase as we described above or something else that speaks to you--that will stop your negative thoughts about the situation.

3. If you need to make a request, make it a true request and not a complaint disguised as a request.

If you've been saying something like this...

"Nobody ever takes the garbage out but me!"

Try this instead...

"Let's talk about how we can all share in the household chores like taking out the garbage."

That way you're not trying to guilt-trip the other person into doing what you want but you are rather being honest and opening up the opportunity for a conversation about the issue.

The key here is to listen to each other and then make an agreement about what will work best.

Complaints never get you what you truly want--there are always strings attached.

You always feel like you have to keep complaining to keep getting what you want--if it happens at all.

If this hasn't worked for you, try our "no complaint" challenge and see what happens for the better in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"I have a question which possibly reflects other relationships & hope you may have some suggestions.

"We are a couple married about 7 years, both in our mid 50s. My first wife passed away 10 years ago, my current wife had a 20 year marriage which she chose to end, then a 7-year relationship which she was left behind.

"We have no children living with us from either of our earlier marriages & we are very much in love.

"My problem is however the loss of her libido. We had a fully satisfying physical side to our courtship & early married years, but over the past 2 - 3 years her desire has dwindled to zero.

"I am not interested in going outside the marriage for satisfaction. We have talked this over repeatedly but despite her wishing to be my mate in the fullest sense, there has been no regular positive reaction to my approaches.

"I am not demanding. I believe I am fully understanding. If anything, I take the earliest signs of her discomfort & back off without further pushing my desire.

"I love this woman & she loves me. Is there anything you think can help?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Thanks for your question--And you are so right!

You are one of many living with the same question--

There's love--but how do you deal with your partner's lower libido?

And it's a very frustrating situation.

You don't want to leave or go outside the relationship.

You just want to have that special, intimate connection that you used to have with your beloved.

Since we don't have a special crystal ball that shows us exactly what's going on in your relationship, we can't say for sure but here are some possible reasons for lower libido that other people have expressed and some suggestions for what to do about it...

1. Physical issues
Anything from physical aches and pains of any kind to sometimes painful menopausal symptoms can kill desire.

As a body's chemistry changes, there may not be enough build up to the actual love-making act--which can be a contributing factor to lower desire.

What used to be instant, may now take some time and loving attention.

The fear of experiencing physical pain while making love can certainly keep you from fully participating in love-making that used to come so easily.

Of course, certain prescriptions drugs can have a physical effect on libido also.

2. Emotional issues

Whether you are a man or a woman--unfinished business and unresolved emotions and issues from this relationship or past relationships can come between the two of you and make love-making impossible.

They can come up at any time too. Even if things have gone along really well for many years, those old ghosts can come up unexpectantly and stay until they are dealt with and put to rest.

There can also be a feeling of lack of safety and trust in the relationship (or in life or in the other person)--and opening yourself to physical intimacy may not be possible because of the protective shield you put up.

A big emotional issue that can put an end to desire is the gradual end of connection and intimacy OUTSIDE the bedroom.

Many couples simply stop opening to each other in that way and keeping their love alive.

They rely on coming together every now and then for physical love-making--when it fits into both busy schedules.

You can't keep desire alive that way!

3. Mental issues

Negative self-talk can certainly kill libido--whether it be "My body is changing and I'm not as attractive as I once was" or "I'm too old (too fat, too plain) to be desirable."

You might even have the reoccurring thought that you don't want to disappoint your partner--that you're not _________enough (fill in the blank)--so why even try.

Of course these aren't the ONLY reasons that a person's libido can change over time.

Our culture says that older people have less desire as the years go by and that desire lessens (and dies) between two people as the years go by.

We get brainwashed.

We don't believe it!

There are too many exceptions to that "rule" to make it absolutely "true" for everyone's experience.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Here's one final possibility why libido is lower...

4. The sexual polarity is gone...

This idea of "sexual polarity" is way bigger and more complex than we can completely go into here but here's a quick explanation of this idea...

Otto once attended a workshop by David Deida where he said that "Sexual attraction is based on sexual polarity, the force of passion that arcs between masculine and feminine poles."

What this essentially means is...

Just like the battery in your car or the electrical outlet in your home has both positive and negative poles that create an electrical flow-- In the same way, masculine and feminine poles between people create the flow sexual
polarity.

If the energy of both people has "evened out" and is the same-- then that "arc" that causes passion and the spark will no longer be there.

Libido is one of the first things to go when this happens.

So let's back up and we'll give some tips on regaining the spark in your relationship...

1. Ask with an open heart--"What would you like in this situation?"

This is one of those phrases that we talk about in our "Magic Relationship Words"program that can gently open the other person to share his or her inner thoughts and desires.

If you are the one whose partner seems to have less desire than you want, it's time to create a safe space for listening to your partner--allowing him or her to speak what's truly in their heart--without judging or retreating.

Don't get defensive--Just listen with love and really take in what's being said. It will give you a clue what the next step needs to be for the two of you.

Then ask if your partner is willing to hear your ideas and if so, share what vision you have for the two of you and for your relationship.

If you are the person whose desire seems lower than your partner's, be willing to search inside yourself for what you are feeling. Don't hide it from yourself or your partner.

Be willing to share what is real for you and also be willing to listen.

We know this might take courage.

It doesn't mean you have to do anything to satisfy your partner's needs, but if you want to stay in a relationship that grows, you will need to truly listen to what's in your partner's heart and also what's in your own.

2. Create a mutual commitment.

From what you both learned from each other, create a commitment around your intimate relationship.

It might be that you read some books that will help you both "get on the same page" and put some life back into your relationship.

There are many tasteful books out there and it can even be fun to go to a bookstore to browse "that" section.

We wrote our "Red Hot Love Relationships" book for just this reason--to give 77 ideas (not positions or techniques) for re-igniting the passion that was once there.

But both of you have to WANT to re-ignite it.

That's why making a loving commitment to each other is so important.

And that commitment can be as simple as spending 15 minutes each day just sitting holding hands or looking into each other's eyes.

3. Start slow but don't retreat.

When there's a difference in desire, it's really important to take some steps back and start slow with each other.

It's equally important to not retreat at the first sign of discomfort or unease.

You might think you're being "kind" but "retreating" can feel very lonely to both of you.

If you think you are "pushing" your desire, how about a reframe?

How about reframing it to finding a way that you both can feel comfortable connecting intimately?

If you are both committed to regaining the passion that once was (could even look very different), it's helpful if part of your commitment to each is to not run away or retreat.

We're not saying to ignore boundaries or the other person's wishes.

We're saying to start slow--by making eye contact, connecting and touching only (non-private parts to begin with)--and when "discomfort" comes up, to stay.

We use this idea in our own relationship.

What "staying" means to us is this...

As soon as a person feels discomfort or whatever the feeling is that comes up to kill intimacy and desire--go inside (without beating yourself up) and simply feel what's there.

It may be that words need to be said or not.

The other person can ask the question we gave you earlier--"What would you like right now?"--and then wait for an answer.

It might be to simply be held.

In those times, make the commitment to come toward each other rather than away from.

You do this with love, understanding and openness.

Our final words of advice are...

If you love each other, don't give up.

Back up, start over and open yourselves to what's there right now and what can be there.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"I have a question. I have read many articles about emotional affairs. The emphasis is always on how wrong they are, how destructive of marriage, and of course I can't help but agree with that. But the advice is always to end it as soon as possible and re-cement the marriage.

"What about the other person in the emotional affair? Does one bear no responsibility to that person at all? He/She may not be married and may have nothing to fall back on, no relationship to go back and reestablish.

"So, that is my question. Not how a person who is abandoned by another in an emotional affair can handle it (that's the usual case of what to do when you're dumped) but what the person who is opting out of the emotional affair can do or say to make it easier on the other person.

"It seems to me it's very selfish to think only of saving your marriage and basically telling the other person they can now go to hell, so to speak. I'm curious what you have to say about this."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

We're glad you asked that question because in our articles, we often talk to the person who is jealous and fearful that a partner is cheating but not to the other people in the triangle.

There's no getting around it--whenever there's an emotional affair (or even a physical one), there are 3 people--plus their families--affected in different ways.

Now of course, if you have ever been cheated on, you would probably not have much (if any) compassion for the person who is the "other woman (or man)" in a situation like this.

You might be saying right now--"She (he) gets what she deserves if he goes back to his spouse."

But it's not quite as simple as that and here's why...

Stopping the affair, whether it's emotional or physical, and focusing on the marriage or primary partnership to see if it's possible to rebuild it is more than the "moral" thing to do.

It's also about clearing up unfinished business that will not only make or break your primary relationship or marriage but will also determine to a great degree your happiness as well.

Our society (and the relationship rules most of us try to live by) is very clearly based on monogamy--this means 1 partner and 1 relationship at a time--but we all know that there's also a lot of cheating that goes on.

With that cheating comes emotional turmoil for everyone involved because at some level, there's a lot of anguish as a result of breaking vows--even unspoken ones--and not being monogamous.

We're not saying that any of this is easy for any of the people involved.

If you've been attracted to someone else and you've acted on that attraction, you've undoubtedly felt torn between not wanting to hurt your partner or the new person you're attracted to--and you don't know what to do.

If you've gotten with someone who is already in a committed relationship, you may feel torn also--partly ashamed, partly wanting the love that's given, and partly wanting more.

The big word here is "part"--because you only have part of him or her.

And of course if your partner is cheating on you, you may have a sense that he or she is not completely IN the relationship and you are probably afraid of losing what you have to someone else. You are also torn apart.

Because of all of these "torn apart" feelings swirling around in this kind of situation, we suggest facing what's there-- and that starts with turning toward the primary relationship.

The truth is that none of the people involved can truly know what they each want and move from the limbo place that they find themselves in until a certain period of time is focused on the committed relationship or marriage--and possibly getting some help to sort it all out.

Okay, so with that being said, it doesn't mean that if you are ending an emotional or physical affair with the third person in the triangle, that you have to do it in a hurtful, mean way--although that no matter what's being said, it may feel that way to the "other woman or man."

The key here is honesty--with everyone involved.

Of course we don't know what words need to be said in specific situations but here's something that might be said that's honest but not intentionally meant to hurt that other person.

"I care deeply about you and I have allowed myself to act on those feelings and have allowed those feelings to grow deeper. I want to feel complete and honest in my life and to do that I need to turn my focus toward my marriage to see what's there or what can be there."

We have plenty of suggestions about how to speak from your heart so that someone can hear and understand you in our "Stop Talking On Eggshells" book & audio program and also in our "Magic Relationship Words" book and audio program.

If you have been in an emotional affair with someone who is in a committed relationship--and you are being told something like what we wrote above--

You have to opportunity to choose how you want to react.

You can look at it like you have been dumped--again--or you can look at it another way.

You can look at it, as one of our teachers said, as being released from an "entanglement" where you can't have completely what you want--and that you deserve more.

You deserve someone who can fully commit to you--and not half in and half out.

You deserve to be with someone who will love only you--and that person is out there.

If you think that it's selfish to think only of saving the marriage...

We say "you're right" and that's a good thing.

We say that it's far more "selfish" (or just plain crazy) to continue in a limbo situation where everyone involved is fearful and wants more--or to move on to a new relationship without truly resolving the previous one.

No one wins when that's the case.

If you doubt us, just look at the divorce statistics for second or third marriages.

You have to deal with the relationship you're in--or you just carry those emotions and patterns into your new one.

If you need help in healing your relationships from the past, check out our "How to Heal Your Broken Heart" program.

As we said, no one truly "wins" when there's infidelity--either emotional or physical--until there's honesty about what you truly want--and then giving that a shot.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)