Kindness.

That's right.

In researcher David Buss's study of global s*e*x*u*a*l preferences he found that "kindness" was the single most important feature desired by both men and women in every one of the 37 cultures he studied.

Kindness ranked above intelligence, above beauty, and above status.

When we think about kindness, we don't mean just being nice--or what Susie's long-time friend's mother always used to tell her daughter--"Be pleasant, Melissa."

There are pitfalls in "being nice" and "being pleasant" when there are strong emotions that are being pushed down and not expressed.

You can wear a veneer of "niceness" and "pleasantness" that usually doesn't fool anyone--and usually catches up with you.

If you're pushing down feelings of anger to not "rock the boat" and keep your relationship on an even keel, it's inevitable that they come out in other ways...

Maybe impatience with your kids or your co-workers or maybe distance and separation from your partner.

So when we talk about kindness, it's not that.

If both men and women from all around the world rank kindness as the most desired attribute in an intimate partner, what does it mean?

While we can't speak for those people in the study, we can speak from the experience of our own partnership and the experiences of the people we encounter in our Breakthrough Coaching practice.

Here are a few examples of what we mean by "kindness"--to yourself and to others...

1. Learning how to speak your truth in a way that your partner can hear--without blame but rather from a place inside you that is the core of who you are.

If you learn this skill, you bypass the incessant stories that are make up and assumptions that are created that lead to misunderstandings and distance.

Our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program can give you some tools to help smooth out your communication and create deeper connection.

When you withhold your truth, you are really withdrawing and shutting down who you really are from your partner.

When you express your truth from a place inside you that is real, it doesn't have to be done in anger--as it usually
is if you think you can't get your way otherwise.

When you learn how to speak from the certainty of that core place inside you, it can be from kindness even though it might be a subject that used to cause contention.

2. Looking at your patterns to see where you might be kinder to your partner.

When you are with your partner for many years, the tendency is to take him or her for granted.

And the first thing that goes when that happens is simple kindness.

Ask yourself how you greet your partner when he or she comes home in the evening--or you come home.

Do you not even make eye contact but immediately launch into what has to be done that evening--dinner, cart the kids to practices, grocery shop, problems at work?

If you have fallen into this trap, climb out now and start looking up from what you are doing when your partner enters the room or comes in the door--or you come in the door.

Feel inside yourself for the feeling of gladness to see him or her--no matter what happened in your day--and express it in your way.

This is kindness.

When the two of us were together for awhile, Susie started falling into the habit of treating Otto like she had treated her ex-husband.

As she talked to Otto (and her ex), she would continue whatever she was doing--not giving him her full attention.

When Otto pointed out what she was doing, we made some agreements that we've kept since that time.

We greet each other--verbally and physically--when one of us returns home--and when we talk to one another, we give the conversation our full attention.

Sometimes we're better at it than others but that piece of kindness and respect does a lot to keep our love and connection alive and growing.

3. Remembering why you love your partner, even when it's tough.

So often we hear from people who live in relationships that are anything but kind.

These people describe unjust treatment but also say they love each other.

This isn't love.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is not put up with mistreatment.

Sometimes love is remembering why the two of you love each other and then acting from that place.

Kindness to us is a starting place and an important ingredient in building and rebuilding trust and connection.

It doesn't mean giving over your power.

In fact, it means just the opposite.

Our wish for you is that you experience and give kindness in a new way to strengthen your trust and love for each other.