>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Thanks so much for your question!

It does seem that ex's and old "friends" pop up when you least expect them--and can certainly throw a monkey wrench into your relationship.

Without knowing the truth of the situation, on the surface, we certainly agree that a phone message of "nite-nite" seems very intimate and certainly not one that an ex (and co-worker) should be sending someone who is in a committed relationship.

And this IS a red flag to be paid attention to.

And it is completely appropriate for you to tell him your boundaries and what you want.

But there may be other red flags that you may not be aware of...

Here's something to make sure you do...

1. Get the full story before you speak

Of course we don't know the entire story and we don't know how much conversation there was on this topic with your fiance--

What we do know is that issuing a "command" that someone has to do something without listening to the other person usually doesn't work--

Even though it's usually the knee-jerk reaction that a lot of us would have in a similar situation.

It usually pushes the other person away (and we know from past experience.)

In this situation--if you haven't found out how he feels about her, have that talk.

Just listen to him talk about her and then tell him how this message sounds to you and how you feel about this kind of communication with her.

In other words, tell him how it makes you feel--and what you want.

Something like--"When you get messages like this from your ex, I feel really fearful and think that you want to be with her more than me--and I think that you aren't committed to being with just me."

Then see if he's willing to make an agreement with you about her.

If he's not, then you really need to pay attention to the red flag and reconsider your relationship!

Remember, commands are no way to begin a marriage or more deeply committed relationship that's filled with love, connection, communication and trust.

2. Trust does not mean surrender and it also doesn't mean spying.

Even though you say that you trust your fiance, your actions show otherwise and at some level you really don't trust him if you're checking his cell phone for calls or text messages from other women.

So it's better for your relationship if you admit even to yourself that the two of you need to focus on building trust
with each other.

This lack of trust is a red flag for the health of your relationship--

Something to pay attention to.

Next, we don't know if these "nudges" you're getting are from past experiences with other partners you've had or if you're getting clear signals that your fiance isn't as he seems to be.

Part of learning to trust each other is separating the past from the present.

So start there to discover where your mistrust is coming from.

If it's coming from the past, learn how to let go of the past and if you don't know where to start, check out our
"Relationship Trust Turnaround."

We give you some great ways to deal with past experiences when your trust has been violated.

If your "nudges" are clearly about what your current partner is doing or not doing, get those nudges on paper and look at them.

The more specific the better--and decide what needs to be addressed and what doesn't.

Does trust mean surrender?

The dictionary says that surrender means "yield to the power of another."

That's certainly NOT what we mean when we talk about trust.

In a close, connected relationship, trust is a two-way street.

It's creating a bond, one moment at a time, where you each believe that both of you will honor your agreements and act in integrity to keep those agreements, keeping the health of the relationship a priority.

And trust is NOT checking your partner's cell phone to catch him doing something you fear he might be doing.

If you trust each other, you don't have the urge or the need to check out what might be hidden in personal email or cell phones.

Does that mean you NEVER check your partner's cell phone?

If you have reason to suspect your partner is cheating on you and you want proof, it might be a way to get the proof you need to validate your concerns.

But we also know that spying can be very addictive.

It can take the place of communicating honestly, creating agreements and following through on learning how to trust one another.

3. Decide what you want more of and communicate that.

In these kinds of situations, it's tempting to simply talk about what you don't want--for this woman to not text him
any more of these types of messages.

But there's probably something more.

If you look more deeply at your relationship, there's probably something you'd like more of--maybe it's more time
together, more fun together, deeper friendship, more love-making, deeper intimacy.

When you talk about this with your partner, don't put him on the defensive but rather be specific about ways that the two of you could create more of what you want.

It's also important to get a buy-in from him--to find out if he wants the same things.

To find the "right" words to say, check out our new "Magic Relationship Words" program.

While saying what you DON'T want is important, it's just as important or even more so to say what you do want.

So pay attention to red flags--but look at all of them and take some proactive steps to create the kind of relationship
that you really want.