By using this phrase, this woman's husband--as well as anyone else who says this to a jealous partner-- does not seem to be willing to look at his contribution to the situation.

He also is either tired of trying to support his wife (which from her perspective, he never did) or he is unwilling to find out how he can support her in healing her jealousy--and then do anything to help her.

We realize that we only heard her "side" of the issue, but we're guessing that we're probably pretty close in our estimate of their particular situation.

He's tired of hearing her complaints, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, and he just wants her to stop being jealous.

The only problem in this thinking is that his words and actions will only make their situation worse.

By using those words, "just get over it," he's turning his back on her when all she wants is for him to turn toward her.

So let's get back to her question...

How you can tell the difference between jealousy that's triggered from past events and jealousy that's based in the reality of what's happening right now.

Let's get something straight...

Two people can look at the same event and each see something entirely different.

One can be triggered by it and another may not--all because of their different values, beliefs and experiences.

If a couple has a spoken or unspoken agreement that touching people of the opposite gender, getting close and being what might be considered flirtatious is okay, then it's usually not an issue for them.

But as in this case, this woman has an issue with this kind of behavior from her husband with other women--and he doesn't.

Or at least he doesn't have an issue with it when he's doing it. We don't know how he'd feel or react if he saw his wife doing the same things he does--and we're certainly not recommending that she do them!

To her, when her husband behaves in this way, he's saying that he prefers to give someone else this kind of attention instead of her.

She doesn't feel respected or honored, she's probably a little embarrassed (if not a lot) about his actions, and she
probably fears that he'll meet someone he likes better than her.

In those moments, even though he would probably deny it--to her, he's choosing another woman over her.

We're putting words in her mouth but we've heard this scenario many times and it's probably true in their case as well.

So it comes down to this...

There's a difference in their values and beliefs about what his actions mean.

And because of this difference, if they want to stay in their relationship and have any sort of ease and happiness together, it is an issue that both of them have to tackle together.

If he's unwilling to look at his conduct and make any changes to come toward her, he's telling her what the "rules" of their relationship will be.

And she has to decide if she wants to live by those rules or not.

If you're in a relationship situation similar to the one we just described, here's one thing you can do that has worked wonders for many couples...

You can reach into the core of who you are and explain to your partner that you appear to have different beliefs about what is appropriate--and describe your pain that you feel in those situations.

You can tell your partner what their conduct shows about your relationship--and that you'd like more of your partner's attention (or whatever else you'd like more of from them.)

If you find that saying how you feel or letting your partner know what's going on for you is difficult--we offer a lot of great tips on how to do this here Stop Talking On Eggshells

If your partner is open and will listen to you, he or she could ask you any of these kinds of questions when jealousy pops up...

"How can I help you?"

"How can I love and support you in times like these?"

"What can I do to make you feel more connected to me right now?"

And then the two of you could make some agreements about how you'd like to be in those situations.

We've said it many times...

You cannot change anyone.

People only change because they want to and there's got to be something in it for them to do it.

We all choose the way we want to live and the trick is to make conscious choices instead of unconscious ones.