1. "It's all your fault!"

Placing all the blame for something that happened onto someone else, even if you are irritated or upset with them, is a recipe for disaster.

The other person gets defensive and you are no where in finding a resolution or way out of the problem.

Take your share of responsibility for what happens in your life--no more and no less.

Your contentious situation will soften if you do.

2. "You should..." or "You have to..."

No one likes being told what they "should" or "have to" do.

Inflicting guilt is one way to get someone to do something that you want them to--but it always backfires when you least expect it to.

The other person may (or may not) do what you want but there could be passive aggressive action tied to it or even some sabotage mixed in.

Make a request and ask the other person's thoughts and opinions.

You'll get a lot further if you do.

3. "You always" or "You never"

Anytime you find that you are making a global statement like these with words like "always" and "never," you can bet that if you look hard enough, you'll be able to find instances when the statement WASN'T true.

It's tempting to use "always" and "never" to emphasize how "bad" the other person is and how exasperated you are.

But when you over-embellish by using these phrases, you set yourself up to just get more of what you don't want.

The other person either feels so badly that he or she shrinks further into a defeatist attitude (which is probably what you don't want) or he or she feels like there's no pleasing you, and stops trying.

Probably not what you want either.

So instead of global statements, be specific about the concern and what you want.

4. "How could you after all I've ever done for you?"

This is a great guilt-inducing phrase and one that parents love to use with their kids--but also with spouses and intimate partners.

It can be spoken or many times it's unspoken--which can be just as damaging because the other person has no clue why you are cold, distant or angry.

When this is spoken (or unspoken), there is an unspoken barter system that's been violated and the other person may not even be aware that such a system was in place.

In other words, something like this might be the assumption that's made...

"I'll make love with you (or take care of our children, etc) if you be kind to my parents (or stay sober or faithful.)"

Again, leave the drama out of it and specifically address the problem and what you want.

5. "You're such a _____."

Fill in the blank with whatever you might be tempted to call your partner at times-- a slob, a pack-rat, a mess, a liar, a prude, a s*e*x* maniac, a lazy bum, air-head, loser.

Name-calling might make you feel better in the moment but doesn't help your situation.

We know we sound like a broken record but skip the drama--and what comes out of your mouth from habit (maybe it's what you heard people in your family call each other.)

Just address and deal with the current situation without making it worse, saying what's true for you and what you'd like.

Name-calling makes openness between two people pretty impossible so don't unconsciously shoot yourself in the foot before you even get started in trying to find a resolution to an issue.

We invite you this week to listen to yourself and to others to see if you hear any of these phrases.

If you do, stop the action and take a different course toward love and connection.