Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Most of us, you probably included, have been in relationships where when we look back, there were glaring red flags that we chose to ignore at the time.

The reverse is also a common experience...

Where we've made a "big deal" out of something that turned out not to be such a big deal.

So the question is...

Is this a red flag to pay attention to in your relationship or is it something benign that you should just ignore?

Here's one woman's description of her situation that seems similar to what many people are faced with--and our answer...

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"Back in late December of last year I met this wonderful man, we began dating, all went well and he proposed marriage to me for next year.

"However, there is a co-worker that recently sent him a txt message to his personal phone saying "nite-nite".

"At the beginning of our relationship one of his friends told me she was happy I was in his life because the person he was dating previous to me was not being too nice to him.

"His friend also told me his previous girlfriend was this woman from work that sent him the txt.

"How should I deal with this? I trust him but something is nudging me behind my head. I told him he should tell her not to txt him. And to keep it professional.

"Also, when you trust, does that mean I can't check his phone? Does trust mean surrender? Because if it is then this will be a challenge."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Thanks so much for your question!

It does seem that ex's and old "friends" pop up when you least expect them--and can certainly throw a monkey wrench into your relationship.

Without knowing the truth of the situation, on the surface, we certainly agree that a phone message of "nite-nite" seems very intimate and certainly not one that an ex (and co-worker) should be sending someone who is in a committed relationship.

And this IS a red flag to be paid attention to.

And it is completely appropriate for you to tell him your boundaries and what you want.

But there may be other red flags that you may not be aware of...

Here's something to make sure you do...

1. Get the full story before you speak

Of course we don't know the entire story and we don't know how much conversation there was on this topic with your fiance--

What we do know is that issuing a "command" that someone has to do something without listening to the other person usually doesn't work--

Even though it's usually the knee-jerk reaction that a lot of us would have in a similar situation.

It usually pushes the other person away (and we know from past experience.)

In this situation--if you haven't found out how he feels about her, have that talk.

Just listen to him talk about her and then tell him how this message sounds to you and how you feel about this kind of communication with her.

In other words, tell him how it makes you feel--and what you want.

Something like--"When you get messages like this from your ex, I feel really fearful and think that you want to be with her more than me--and I think that you aren't committed to being with just me."

Then see if he's willing to make an agreement with you about her.

If he's not, then you really need to pay attention to the red flag and reconsider your relationship!

Remember, commands are no way to begin a marriage or more deeply committed relationship that's filled with love, connection, communication and trust.

2. Trust does not mean surrender and it also doesn't mean spying.

Even though you say that you trust your fiance, your actions show otherwise and at some level you really don't trust him if you're checking his cell phone for calls or text messages from other women.

So it's better for your relationship if you admit even to yourself that the two of you need to focus on building trust
with each other.

This lack of trust is a red flag for the health of your relationship--

Something to pay attention to.

Next, we don't know if these "nudges" you're getting are from past experiences with other partners you've had or if you're getting clear signals that your fiance isn't as he seems to be.

Part of learning to trust each other is separating the past from the present.

So start there to discover where your mistrust is coming from.

If it's coming from the past, learn how to let go of the past and if you don't know where to start, check out our
"Relationship Trust Turnaround."

We give you some great ways to deal with past experiences when your trust has been violated.

If your "nudges" are clearly about what your current partner is doing or not doing, get those nudges on paper and look at them.

The more specific the better--and decide what needs to be addressed and what doesn't.

Does trust mean surrender?

The dictionary says that surrender means "yield to the power of another."

That's certainly NOT what we mean when we talk about trust.

In a close, connected relationship, trust is a two-way street.

It's creating a bond, one moment at a time, where you each believe that both of you will honor your agreements and act in integrity to keep those agreements, keeping the health of the relationship a priority.

And trust is NOT checking your partner's cell phone to catch him doing something you fear he might be doing.

If you trust each other, you don't have the urge or the need to check out what might be hidden in personal email or cell phones.

Does that mean you NEVER check your partner's cell phone?

If you have reason to suspect your partner is cheating on you and you want proof, it might be a way to get the proof you need to validate your concerns.

But we also know that spying can be very addictive.

It can take the place of communicating honestly, creating agreements and following through on learning how to trust one another.

3. Decide what you want more of and communicate that.

In these kinds of situations, it's tempting to simply talk about what you don't want--for this woman to not text him
any more of these types of messages.

But there's probably something more.

If you look more deeply at your relationship, there's probably something you'd like more of--maybe it's more time
together, more fun together, deeper friendship, more love-making, deeper intimacy.

When you talk about this with your partner, don't put him on the defensive but rather be specific about ways that the two of you could create more of what you want.

It's also important to get a buy-in from him--to find out if he wants the same things.

To find the "right" words to say, check out our new "Magic Relationship Words" program.

While saying what you DON'T want is important, it's just as important or even more so to say what you do want.

So pay attention to red flags--but look at all of them and take some proactive steps to create the kind of relationship
that you really want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Thanks to everyone who entered our contest to win one of the copies of
our "Magic Relationship Words" downloadable book and audio program...

We are both humbled and gratified by the kind comments that were said
about us and our work.

Here is a list of the five winners of the program...

Christina Bratton, Kathy Waugh, Gwen S. from Logan, Utah, Jessica
Gammie and Tanic

If you'd like to read their comments and the other entries that were written, see
the comments in the previous post where we announced the giveaway.

If you didn't win or didn't enter, you can get your copy of "Magic Relationship Words"
starting tomorrow, Monday July 27th, 2009 from our web site at
http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com

Thanks again for your kind words.

Our Best, Susie and Otto

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Our new ebook and audio program "Magic Relationship Words" is just about ready to be released and we had a great idea you're going to love...

We're giving-away 5 free programs to 5 lucky people and we'll choose the winners this Sunday, July 26.

Here's all you have to do to enter...

Leave your comments by clicking on the "comments" link at the end of this article, telling us why you want this "Magic Relationship Words" book and audio program and how you think it will help you in your relationship and life.

This ebook has over 100 words, phrases, questions and sentence-starters to help you say it "right" every time. If you have trouble saying what you mean or being understood by the people you love, this program can help.

Be sure to submit your comments between now and Sunday, July 26, 12 noon eastern because we'll be choosing the 5 lucky winners and posting them here later in the day on Sunday. Please only 1 entry per person.

So check back with us to see if you are picked to receive your free copy of the program.

Be sure to include your name and where you're from because that's how we'll identify the winners.

Our best to you, Susie and Otto

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (232)

Have you ever said something that after you said it, you wished you could have "taken it back"?

Or maybe you (or your partner) said one thing that was the "last straw" and a relationship ended or was severely
damaged because of it?

The good news is that we all have done this--sometimes intentional but many times from old family "tapes" that we've accessed unconsciously.

The "better" news is that it doesn't have to ever happen again.

As we've been working on our new book and audio project called "Magic Relationship Words," we've been not only focused on the "magic" words to use to create open, loving communication but we've also looked at what NOT to say.

Here are 5 communication no-no's for couples who want to connect ..(No, they aren't "new" but we all could stand to be reminded not to use them!)

1. "It's all your fault!"

Placing all the blame for something that happened onto someone else, even if you are irritated or upset with them, is a recipe for disaster.

The other person gets defensive and you are no where in finding a resolution or way out of the problem.

Take your share of responsibility for what happens in your life--no more and no less.

Your contentious situation will soften if you do.

2. "You should..." or "You have to..."

No one likes being told what they "should" or "have to" do.

Inflicting guilt is one way to get someone to do something that you want them to--but it always backfires when you least expect it to.

The other person may (or may not) do what you want but there could be passive aggressive action tied to it or even some sabotage mixed in.

Make a request and ask the other person's thoughts and opinions.

You'll get a lot further if you do.

3. "You always" or "You never"

Anytime you find that you are making a global statement like these with words like "always" and "never," you can bet that if you look hard enough, you'll be able to find instances when the statement WASN'T true.

It's tempting to use "always" and "never" to emphasize how "bad" the other person is and how exasperated you are.

But when you over-embellish by using these phrases, you set yourself up to just get more of what you don't want.

The other person either feels so badly that he or she shrinks further into a defeatist attitude (which is probably what you don't want) or he or she feels like there's no pleasing you, and stops trying.

Probably not what you want either.

So instead of global statements, be specific about the concern and what you want.

4. "How could you after all I've ever done for you?"

This is a great guilt-inducing phrase and one that parents love to use with their kids--but also with spouses and intimate partners.

It can be spoken or many times it's unspoken--which can be just as damaging because the other person has no clue why you are cold, distant or angry.

When this is spoken (or unspoken), there is an unspoken barter system that's been violated and the other person may not even be aware that such a system was in place.

In other words, something like this might be the assumption that's made...

"I'll make love with you (or take care of our children, etc) if you be kind to my parents (or stay sober or faithful.)"

Again, leave the drama out of it and specifically address the problem and what you want.

5. "You're such a _____."

Fill in the blank with whatever you might be tempted to call your partner at times-- a slob, a pack-rat, a mess, a liar, a prude, a s*e*x* maniac, a lazy bum, air-head, loser.

Name-calling might make you feel better in the moment but doesn't help your situation.

We know we sound like a broken record but skip the drama--and what comes out of your mouth from habit (maybe it's what you heard people in your family call each other.)

Just address and deal with the current situation without making it worse, saying what's true for you and what you'd like.

Name-calling makes openness between two people pretty impossible so don't unconsciously shoot yourself in the foot before you even get started in trying to find a resolution to an issue.

We invite you this week to listen to yourself and to others to see if you hear any of these phrases.

If you do, stop the action and take a different course toward love and connection.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Imagine just for a moment...

You're in a relationship and you're jealous...

Here's what you don't want...

You don't want sharp, cutting, uncaring, negative words from the people close to you that tear you down...

What you do want is this...

You want help in overcoming your jealousy...

You want kind words, encouragement and most of all solutions for stopping it now.

Sadly enough, most people who are jealous don't get "kind words" and encouragement from their partners and the other important people in their lives.

The fact is-- very often in many relationships, when jealousy and trust issues are present, there are things the partner of a jealous person does and says (often without even knowing it) that are killing their relationship.

If there's one phrase we hear over and over from our Relationship Breakthrough Coaching clients and newsletter subscribers that people say to their jealous partners that is simply NOT helpful...

It's being told these 4 simple words...

"Just get over it!"

This is a common comment from someone who's with a jealous partner--and they don't want to deal with the situation (or their partner's fears and complaints) anymore.

If you hear this phrase and you're jealous, you probably shut down and you feel like you are completely on your own in solving this issue--and you feel that the "fault" is yours and yours alone.

We spoke with a woman yesterday who said that her husband told her to, "Just get over it"--referring to her jealousy that came up when she thought he was a little too "touchy-feely" with other women when they went out to bars.

She was confused and she felt very alone.

Her question to us was one that we've heard time and time again...

"How do you know the difference between jealousy triggered from the past (and it's only YOUR problem) and inappropriate actions that your partner's doing that needs to stop?"

We'll talk about this difference in just a moment but first, we want to make a few comments about this phrase--"Just get over it!"

By using this phrase, this woman's husband--as well as anyone else who says this to a jealous partner-- does not seem to be willing to look at his contribution to the situation.

He also is either tired of trying to support his wife (which from her perspective, he never did) or he is unwilling to find out how he can support her in healing her jealousy--and then do anything to help her.

We realize that we only heard her "side" of the issue, but we're guessing that we're probably pretty close in our estimate of their particular situation.

He's tired of hearing her complaints, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, and he just wants her to stop being jealous.

The only problem in this thinking is that his words and actions will only make their situation worse.

By using those words, "just get over it," he's turning his back on her when all she wants is for him to turn toward her.

So let's get back to her question...

How you can tell the difference between jealousy that's triggered from past events and jealousy that's based in the reality of what's happening right now.

Let's get something straight...

Two people can look at the same event and each see something entirely different.

One can be triggered by it and another may not--all because of their different values, beliefs and experiences.

If a couple has a spoken or unspoken agreement that touching people of the opposite gender, getting close and being what might be considered flirtatious is okay, then it's usually not an issue for them.

But as in this case, this woman has an issue with this kind of behavior from her husband with other women--and he doesn't.

Or at least he doesn't have an issue with it when he's doing it. We don't know how he'd feel or react if he saw his wife doing the same things he does--and we're certainly not recommending that she do them!

To her, when her husband behaves in this way, he's saying that he prefers to give someone else this kind of attention instead of her.

She doesn't feel respected or honored, she's probably a little embarrassed (if not a lot) about his actions, and she
probably fears that he'll meet someone he likes better than her.

In those moments, even though he would probably deny it--to her, he's choosing another woman over her.

We're putting words in her mouth but we've heard this scenario many times and it's probably true in their case as well.

So it comes down to this...

There's a difference in their values and beliefs about what his actions mean.

And because of this difference, if they want to stay in their relationship and have any sort of ease and happiness together, it is an issue that both of them have to tackle together.

If he's unwilling to look at his conduct and make any changes to come toward her, he's telling her what the "rules" of their relationship will be.

And she has to decide if she wants to live by those rules or not.

If you're in a relationship situation similar to the one we just described, here's one thing you can do that has worked wonders for many couples...

You can reach into the core of who you are and explain to your partner that you appear to have different beliefs about what is appropriate--and describe your pain that you feel in those situations.

You can tell your partner what their conduct shows about your relationship--and that you'd like more of your partner's attention (or whatever else you'd like more of from them.)

If you find that saying how you feel or letting your partner know what's going on for you is difficult--we offer a lot of great tips on how to do this here Stop Talking On Eggshells

If your partner is open and will listen to you, he or she could ask you any of these kinds of questions when jealousy pops up...

"How can I help you?"

"How can I love and support you in times like these?"

"What can I do to make you feel more connected to me right now?"

And then the two of you could make some agreements about how you'd like to be in those situations.

We've said it many times...

You cannot change anyone.

People only change because they want to and there's got to be something in it for them to do it.

We all choose the way we want to live and the trick is to make conscious choices instead of unconscious ones.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

When it comes to jealousy...

This is the worst thing that could possibly happen!

When stress, run-away thoughts of jealousy and feelings that your world is crumbling around you merge-- the worst can happen...

And for one couple this week, jealousy did cause the worst to happen and it played itself out on the national and network news outlets.

So what is it we're talking about here that was such a big tragedy?

We're talking about the death of retired NFL star quarterback Steve McNair.

According to an Associated Press report and the police, McNair was shot and killed by "a 20 year-old girlfriend distraught about mounting financial problems AND her belief that he was seeing someone else."

Although this is an extreme case of jealousy in action, we bring this up because there are some lessons to be learned from it.

Even though your jealousy and mistrust issues will hopefully not result in this type of tragedy, it could be time for you to do something about your situation--no matter how weak your symptoms appear to be.

If the woman who allegedly killed McNair had gotten help for her anger and jealous-- and learned how to deal with her financial problems, both of them would perhaps still be alive.

What pain this woman must have been in to do this extreme act and what pain McNair's and this woman's family must be in now!

All of it didn't have to happen.

Jealousy and this woman's other problems were so big in her mind that (according to police reports) they caused her to take the life of Mr. McNair and then herself.

This is tragic and here's what we'll say to you if jealousy or lack of trust is an issue for you in your life...

No matter how severe your jealousy is, here are some ways you can begin to tackle it...

Here's what we'll suggest...

1. Take a good look at your situation. Write it on paper. For now, leave out your emotion and just write the facts of what's happening right now.

Be sure you separate out fact from fiction.

Really take a look at what you are making up and the facts of your situation.

Getting a clear idea of your problem will help you to know what information you'll need to help you move out of it toward what you want.

If you've been cheated on before--either by your current partner or by someone in a past relationship--or you may be getting clear messages that it might be happening right now, check this out...

"What to do about your jealousy if you've been cheated on before"

2. Learn some ways to deal with your stress and thoughts that get out of control.

There are many methods and resources available to help you deal with stress--

The trick is to practice them when your stress comes up.

We created a technique we call the "3 minute Jealous Thought Stopper" that you can start practicing when your
jealous thoughts cloud your reasoning powers and cause you to say and do things that you wouldn't normally do.

It's available free about a quarter of the way down on that web page.

3. Reach out and ask for help and support in making the changes that you know you need to make.

If you are feeling out of control at times with your jealousy or mistrust, ask for help and support in making changes.

If you truly want to change, there is usually someone in your life who will support you in those changes.

If no one in your life is open or able to support you, hire a coach or therapist--or just keep reading material that will
uplift you and give you the advice you
need.

That's one reason we continue to send you information about jealousy--to give you the impetus and the hope
that you can let go of jealous feelings and move on to create the life you want.

Our wish for you is that you take this opportunity to do whatever it takes to do that!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Imagine just for a moment that you are the contestant in
a new TV game show about relationships and we'll be the hosts...

Since you've decided to play along, here's our question for you...

What do you think is the single most important feature desired in a s*e*x*u*a*l or Intimate partner by BOTH men and women?

Is it...

A. Beauty?
B. Intelligence?
C. Status?
Or
D.Something else?

Beauty is a good answer because after all, we ALL want an attractive or good-looking partner, don't we?

Intelligence is a good answer because who doesn't want a partner who is smart, can figure things out and have the intelligence to work with you to create the best life possible for the two of you (and your family, if you have kids.)

Some people might also think status is the most important feature in attracting a relationship partner or in the one you have.

After all, isn't the success you have in life and the future you create for yourself and your family affected greatly by status?

Of course it is...

But when it comes to the #1 single most important feature in a relationship, there is one thing that trumps, beauty, brains, social status and everything else in the desirability area of relationships and attraction.

So, what is it that trumps all the things we just mentioned?

The answer may surprise you...

It certainly surprised us when we first read about this study about what people (and couples) want in relationships...

And it just might have a huge impact on your relationship or your future relationship!

The answer is...(Drum Roll Please) ...

Kindness.

That's right.

In researcher David Buss's study of global s*e*x*u*a*l preferences he found that "kindness" was the single most important feature desired by both men and women in every one of the 37 cultures he studied.

Kindness ranked above intelligence, above beauty, and above status.

When we think about kindness, we don't mean just being nice--or what Susie's long-time friend's mother always used to tell her daughter--"Be pleasant, Melissa."

There are pitfalls in "being nice" and "being pleasant" when there are strong emotions that are being pushed down and not expressed.

You can wear a veneer of "niceness" and "pleasantness" that usually doesn't fool anyone--and usually catches up with you.

If you're pushing down feelings of anger to not "rock the boat" and keep your relationship on an even keel, it's inevitable that they come out in other ways...

Maybe impatience with your kids or your co-workers or maybe distance and separation from your partner.

So when we talk about kindness, it's not that.

If both men and women from all around the world rank kindness as the most desired attribute in an intimate partner, what does it mean?

While we can't speak for those people in the study, we can speak from the experience of our own partnership and the experiences of the people we encounter in our Breakthrough Coaching practice.

Here are a few examples of what we mean by "kindness"--to yourself and to others...

1. Learning how to speak your truth in a way that your partner can hear--without blame but rather from a place inside you that is the core of who you are.

If you learn this skill, you bypass the incessant stories that are make up and assumptions that are created that lead to misunderstandings and distance.

Our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program can give you some tools to help smooth out your communication and create deeper connection.

When you withhold your truth, you are really withdrawing and shutting down who you really are from your partner.

When you express your truth from a place inside you that is real, it doesn't have to be done in anger--as it usually
is if you think you can't get your way otherwise.

When you learn how to speak from the certainty of that core place inside you, it can be from kindness even though it might be a subject that used to cause contention.

2. Looking at your patterns to see where you might be kinder to your partner.

When you are with your partner for many years, the tendency is to take him or her for granted.

And the first thing that goes when that happens is simple kindness.

Ask yourself how you greet your partner when he or she comes home in the evening--or you come home.

Do you not even make eye contact but immediately launch into what has to be done that evening--dinner, cart the kids to practices, grocery shop, problems at work?

If you have fallen into this trap, climb out now and start looking up from what you are doing when your partner enters the room or comes in the door--or you come in the door.

Feel inside yourself for the feeling of gladness to see him or her--no matter what happened in your day--and express it in your way.

This is kindness.

When the two of us were together for awhile, Susie started falling into the habit of treating Otto like she had treated her ex-husband.

As she talked to Otto (and her ex), she would continue whatever she was doing--not giving him her full attention.

When Otto pointed out what she was doing, we made some agreements that we've kept since that time.

We greet each other--verbally and physically--when one of us returns home--and when we talk to one another, we give the conversation our full attention.

Sometimes we're better at it than others but that piece of kindness and respect does a lot to keep our love and connection alive and growing.

3. Remembering why you love your partner, even when it's tough.

So often we hear from people who live in relationships that are anything but kind.

These people describe unjust treatment but also say they love each other.

This isn't love.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is not put up with mistreatment.

Sometimes love is remembering why the two of you love each other and then acting from that place.

Kindness to us is a starting place and an important ingredient in building and rebuilding trust and connection.

It doesn't mean giving over your power.

In fact, it means just the opposite.

Our wish for you is that you experience and give kindness in a new way to strengthen your trust and love for each other.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)