1. One person says or does something that you perceive
blames you for a situation or in some way you feel put
down, diminished or not "right."

2. You get triggered and react (perhaps with anger, hurt
or sarcasm) from some unconscious place inside you
(past experiences, old beliefs) and you say or do
something that is a perceived "put down" or blame by
the other person.

3. Both of you get defensive, shut down to one another
and the anger, sarcasm, hurt and miscommunication
escalates until one of you leaves the room.

4. The two of you hold onto the anger and hurt until
you decide you don't want to anymore or something
happens that brings you together--until the next time
you play the "blame game."

If you don't stop, your relationship either ends or you keep playing it for years and years--and you are STILL miserable.

So if this is how it's played--and if it's a relationship killer, why do we keep it going and how do we stop it?

We keep the "blame game" going because we don't know how to stop it. We want to be "right" and we don't want it to seem like we are caving in to the other person, becoming a doormat.

We keep it going because we keep hoping that the other person will tell us we were "right" after all.

We keep it going because we keep reacting from the place of hurt and fear deep inside us.

We keep it going because we don't want to look at ourselves and it's easier to point the finger outward at someone else.

The big question is...

How do we stop playing the "blame game"?

In order to help explain how to stop it, we'll tell you a story about Karen and Bill.

Karen and Bill have been married for 15 years and have 2 children. To the outside world, they looked like a happily-married couple--and they did have times that they felt close to one another--but more and more of the time they couldn't talk with one another without a fight.

Whatever the topic, their reactions were usually the same. Karen would use sarcastic and cutting remarks to get her point across and Bill would feel hurt and get a "What's the use--I'm always wrong" attitude--and clam up.

When this pattern came up, they would walk around the house for days, not speaking to one another except for quick questions and "yes" or "no" answers.

Nothing would ever get resolved and their marriage was starting to show the signs of strain--even to the outside world.

They wanted help from us before it was too late and asked us for suggestions...

One suggestion we made was that they pick up a copy of our "Communication
Magic" and "Stop Talking On Eggshells" programs.

We know they were committed because they went through the "Communication Magic" program literally in one evening and "Stop Talking On Eggshells" in just a few days after that.

The changes (for the better ) then started happening pretty quickly and here's what they told us they did to make such a huge difference...

If you've got any kind of communication challenges or upsets in your relationship you can do this as well...

1. They both looked at their reactions and
patterns to see how they each acted in the
throes of one of their disagreements. They
took a specific situation and dissected it--
slowing it down so they could really see
what each of them did, without blame.

2. They each looked at what triggered
them and what thoughts were there when
it happened. They came up with some ways
to recognize the moment when they were
triggered and to stop themselves from
what they normally do.

Karen liked using her breath to calm her
down when she got a tight feeling in her
chest.

Bill noticed that when he felt attacked
by Karen, his stomach area tightened.
At those times, he chose to tell himself
that he really wasn't under attack and
he could decide how he would respond.

3. They came to realize that they were
making up a lot of untrue stories about
the motivations behind the other person's
words and actions.

They decided to try listening to each other
instead of justifying their beliefs and
positions and making assumptions up
about the other.

They decided that they would both hold
the thought that they each had choice
and that it's okay for the other person to
hold a different opinion.

4. They began to look at themselves
as being on a team instead of two
people who are out for themselves
and on separate, warring teams.

They began to find alternatives
to their disagreements that they had
never considered.

They began to love each other
again and feel connected most of
the time.

This sounds like some kind of a fairy tale ending and we're certainly not going to suggest that they will
never have another disagreement, upset or argument.

They might.

What we've seen from them so far seems to be a big shift in both of them to a feeling of much greater closeness and connection than before.

Can this happen in your life?

Sure it can.

Any one of us can drop our defenses and come into a heart-centered space with another person.

We're not saying to be boundary-less or not get your wants, needs and desires met.

We're saying that it is possible to create more peace in a relationship and stop playing the "blame game" if you just have the courage to do it!