Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Last week, we took a much needed day off and the two of us--along with Otto's son --took a "road trip" to Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to see the Bruce Springsteen exhibit.

With all the music being played and exhibits that had music in them, we certainly came home with our share of "ear worms" ...

If you're not familiar with what an ear worm is...

It's a song that gets in your head and plays over and over--and over.

You usually can't get rid of it until you exorcise it by listening to another song or in some cases actually listening to a recording of the song that's been driving you crazy--or you get focuses on something else.

For us, Bruce Springsteen songs often become ear worms.

While there's nothing wrong with them, it can get annoying to have the same song playing over and over in your mind until you do something about it to change your focus.

An ear worm doesn't have to be a song.

It can be something that someone says to you--usually it's something critical that you've taken in and repeated over and over to yourself until you believe it.

For example, someone might make an off-handed remark about your hair and it stays with you all that day and can even run your life for years!

You might be wondering right now what a "jealousy ear worm" is...

A jealousy ear worm is a jealous thought or worst-case scenario that is replayed in your thoughts many times, even over the span of years.

Unlike regular "song" ear worms, these jealousy ones usually don't leave on their own--unless you take some action.

These jealousy ear worms are similar to the ones we get going when we hear a critical remark and take it in.

They just keep coming up in our thoughts.

We received an email message from a woman we'll call Carol and her story explains this better than we can...

"From the very beginning of our marriage my husband enjoyed paying a lot of attention to other women. I didn't like it but I could live with it until almost twenty years ago when a woman who become my best friend came into our lives.

"She and I walked together in the mornings. While we walked, she enjoyed telling me stories about men being attracted to her and their wives being jealous. I sided with her that she couldn't help it that she was so cute and charismatic until I started noticing that my husband was paying more and more attention to her.

"It was very difficult because my life was so intertwined with hers. We were neighbors. We belonged to the same church and belonged to the same square dance club and we had the same friends.

"You can imagine my relief when she moved to the other end of the state a little over five years ago.

"But the damage was done. I was changed. Before she came into my life I don't think that I had a jealous bone in my body. Now I don't think that I have a bone is that is not jealous. I was trusting and used to feel secure. Now I
am not and I compare myself unfavorably to every woman that I see.

"My husband has not changed. He still enjoys admiring and giving other women attention, but now I go berserk and would rather just stay home than put myself through the emotional upset that I experience in social settings."

What's really clear from "Carol's" story is that for the last five years, she's had an ear worm that says that her husband will leave her for someone else, she isn't good enough and she's jealous.

The only thing that's changed from before she became friends with this woman is what she tells herself.

Her husband hadn't changed but Carol had-- and not in a good way.

After all, as we think about her, how could she have NOT changed?

They were best friends and they spent a lot of time together.

You've probably noticed things like this that have happened in your life.

You become friends with someone, start spending more time with them and before you know it, they've really made a big impact on you.

You've been influenced by this person in a lot of different areas of your life.

As time goes on-- you unconsciously start to think more like them, act more like them and be more like them.

When these changes take place in ways we consider to be good--it's no problem.

However, when they have a more negative impact on us-- sometimes we don't realize it until it's almost too late.

That's what happened in Carol's case....

We can all look back at times in our lives and recall actually enjoying things we no longer enjoy and liking things we no longer like and the question is...

Why?

Whether it's your relationships, the music you listen to, the food you eat or the beliefs you have...

One BIG reason why we think the way we think and believe what we believe is as a result of the people in our lives.

Think about it...

Because Carol had bought into what her friend had continued to tell her about herself and how powerless men were in the face of an attractive woman like her, it caused major problems in her marriage.

None of the things Carol's friend said were necessarily true but she created a story or a "jealousy ear worm" that told her they were true.

But Carol didn't let her jealousy ear worm stop her from having the kind of relationship she really wanted....

She got help.

She started reading information that we've written about jealousy and ordered our "No More Jealousy" course.

Here's what she said about how "No More Jealousy" info helped her...

"I was so frozen in fear when jealousy feelings came that I couldn't think. I could only react. Low and behold in what I heard in the CDs and read in the book--lots of people react when those emotions come exactly as I did.

"I became quiet and numb and withdrew just to lash out in anger at home. I appreciated the explanation that all of
these behaviors are ways to shield, protect and insulate from the pain that is being felt inside......and I know that it is true that I was putting up walls and distance was being created to self-protect and feel like I had some control in the situation.

"In listening and reading, it seemed strange to be looking on the outside of a situation that I had been in over and over again but had no idea what was really going on and where I was coming from because I was so frozen in fear that I could not think.

"The most important statement that I read yesterday was 'Understanding this behavior and what is underneath it are the beginning steps to healing it'.

"Thank you so much for the 'No More Jealousy' Course."

Carol told us that she is now focusing on what is right with her husband and with her relationship rather than what is wrong.

She said that she had been holding on to hurt that had occurred over the years that had caused her to close her heart to her husband and now she's being fed thoughts that are opening her heart and feelings of love are being restored.

In other words, she's stopping those negative jealousy ear worms that have been keeping her from love and connecting with her husband.

Does that mean that he (or any partner) can act inappropriately with others and Carol (or anyone) should just accept it and just keep positive thoughts going?

Of course not.

Sometimes your jealousy is a signal that you need to address what's happening that violates agreements that the two of you have in your relationship.

Sometimes your jealousy is a signal that you need to change your thinking.

Always, jealousy is a signal for you to stop, take a mental and emotional step out of your situation and get a clear view of where you want to go--and what your next action might be.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You'd have to be on another planet right now if you haven't heard that reality stars Jon and Kate Gosselin are getting a divorce after what's perhaps the most public break-up imaginable.

If you watched their reality show, you got to see a real-life drama of infidelity and break-up happen right before your very eyes.

With years of allowing their family life to be on display for all of us to see, could they have stopped this divorce train from happening.

We think so but here's what they could have done...

1. Off camera, they could have talked honestly about what they each wanted in their relationship and their lives. The keyword here is honesty--without cameras rolling and without acting a part.

2. They would have to take their lives offline for their to be real healing between them. While a public reconciliation and healing would be great to watch--to show others a way to heal their relationships after affairs, somehow we doubt that authentic feelings, words and actions would happen in front of the cameras.

3. Jon and Kate would need to commit to loving each other and to their relationship--and what that meant to each of them. Jon would need to be very honest about why his affair happened and Kate would need to truly listen to him. They would need to find a point where they wanted to move toward the same kind of love and relationship between the two of them and then do what it takes to move in that direction.

4. They would need to rebuild trust with each other by learning how to create agreements and keep them. They would need to learn how to communicate from a very different place than where they are right now.

5. Jon and Kate would need to commit to each other and to their relationship. They would need to put their relationship first and not the television program that has been their lives for so many years.

It looks like Jon and Kate lost their connection with each other in the process of having eight kids and living their lives for all to see. What we saw on the show was of course highly edited--edited for what would help ratings we're sure--and not "real life" but it did show us what can happen to a relationship.

Don't let your relationship be another divorce statistic. Do something today to bring it back on the track of love.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

When you're in the middle of intense feelings of jealousy, it can seem like it will be that way forever.

But it doesn't have to be that way...

You can do something to change your life and one of best ways to help yourself is to start learning new skills. If you're ready, check out our "No More Jealousy" course.

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"Can I have some reassurance that it [jealousy] will go away from my life? I guess it's all about learning to love yourself and building your self esteem, isn't it? Will that help eliminate the problem?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

The first thing we'll say about jealousy is that NO ONE is born jealous.

This is good news because what this means is...

While we can't say with certainty that jealousy will stop in your particular situation, we can say that the odds are in your favor if you are willing to make your healing your focus and your practice.

You're exactly right that it start with learning to love yourself and building self-esteem.

Because here's the thing...

When you're jealous, you see someone or something else getting what you want--or you fear that it will happen
sometime in the future.

Even when there's no truth to your suspicions--and you know it--somewhere inside you, you are fearful that you won't get your needs met.

What does this have to do with self-esteem and not loving yourself?

Let's get this straight...

We all--whether we have jealousy issues or not--experience times in our lives when we don't love and don't feel very good about ourselves.

So self-esteem issues and not loving yourself are really part of being human--and some of us are better at loving ourselves than others.

Some of us have had better life experiences than others.

Some of us have had partners (and others) lie to us, cheat on us and have affairs and these kinds of things can certainly make trusting difficult.

Some of us have been exposed to beliefs that foster and strengthen self-esteem as opposed to those beliefs that tear it down.

And all of this can change in the present moment.

It's an absolute fact that no matter how hard you try--your past will never change.

Your past is just as over as the revolutionary war and...

Maybe, your past experiences won't change but what can change are your beliefs--your beliefs about yourself and what's possible.

Let's get practical now...

If you are afraid of being jealous forever, here are some ways to begin changing your beliefs so that you can see a glimmer of truth that you can stop being jealous.

1. First of all, take "forever" out of the equation
because anything can change at any time.

Nothing lasts forever--the "good" in our lives as
well as the "bad."

Stopping jealousy may not happen over night, but
it can and does happen.

So we invite you to challenge that thought--that
your jealousy will last forever--whenever it comes
up.

Yes, people can hold onto jealousy for a lifetime
but deciding not to can be a conscious choice
that you can make.

Whenever the thought of "forever jealous" comes
up, shift your focus to what you want instead.

Find at least two examples of what you want in
your life and focus on them.

Start small.

It might be a smile from the clerk at the drug
store or a hug from someone you love.

Replace your jealous thoughts with images that
support you rather than tear you down.

2. Somewhere along the way, you "learned" to be
jealous.

Whether it was what you witnessed by watching
a family member, you had experiences in your
own life that caused you to come to the
conclusion that you weren't going to get your
needs met.or your jealousy could still be alive in
you because a negative or unwanted relationship
experience that you continue to relive over and over--

The fact is jealousy hasn't gone away just yet.

To be really simplistic about this...

You can "learn" another way.

You can learn to care about yourself in a different
way.

Does that mean that a blatantly flirting or cheating
partner will magically stop doing those things so
you can stop being jealous?

No--it just means that when those jealous thoughts
come up, you can treat them differently.

Instead of allowing them to rule you, you can learn
to allow them to be there while getting to the truth
of the matter and having the courage to choose
what your next action will be.

3. The big secret about building self-esteem and
self-love is that you do it in every moment, inside
you.

And there are many ways to go about it.

It might be straightening your slumping posture
when you notice yourself in a mirror.

It might be giving someone a smile or a "thank you"
and a kind word instead of shrinking and ignoring
other people because you feel bad.

It might be challenging the truth of those thoughts
that come up in your mind that you really don't
think are true but you hang onto them anyway--
because it's what you've thought for a long time.

If you've been jealous and secretly have feared
that you'll never get rid of those feelings, take
heart and get into action.

Start doing something today to feel better in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's not even summer yet and the temperatures are heating up where we live in Ohio and this is bad if you've got jealousy issues in your relationship.

We've noticed that very often it's not just the temperature that heats up this time of year.

It's jealousy and issues around trust that seem to heat up too.

If you're in a relationship where jealousy and trust are problems, this probably doesn't come as any shock to you.

You're probably feeling the effects of it already.

Here are a few reasons we've observed...

1. When it's warm, people are wearing fewer
clothes and the clothes they are wearing is
more revealing.

If you're insecure about your appearance,
your weight, or your desirability factor,
your insecurity will more than likely
go off the charts when you see other
people who in your eyes have better bodies
or look more desirable than you.

2. Many people attend more social gatherings
during summer months--gatherings of all
types such as weddings, outdoor cookouts,
festivals, street fairs, art walks,
graduation parties and of course, reunions.

If you have feelings of jealousy, these
social gatherings can be miserable affairs
because of the fear (either imagined or
real) of your worst nightmares coming true.

You might fear the possibility of running
into your partner's ex or dread his or her
flirtatious actions at those gatherings.

Whatever the reason for your jealousy and
mistrust, you're probably on pins and needles
and can't wait for the social event to end
because of it.

3. Even though many people may have more
free time in the summer months, it may be
that there is less connection between couples
because of all the things that they think
have to be done.

Many people keep themselves busy throughout
the year--no matter what the season--but
summer can offer so many more opportunities
to "do" and places to go that there seems
to be little time to actually spend together
connecting with each other.

When this happens, jealousy and mistrust
can get much worse.

So what can you do about it?

Here are a few ideas that have worked for
us and for our coaching clients...

1. If you are insecure about your
desirability to your partner and possibly
your weight or appearance, decide today
to take one step toward what you want
instead of looking at others and putting
yourself down or even hating yourself.

First of all, your insecurity could
completely be your perception and not that
of your partner's.

Get clear about what's true. Is this how
your partner feels or is it completely
your poor perception of yourself?

Whichever is true, what is one thing you
can do to help yourself to feel better
and more self-assured?

*Is it to go to the gym a few times a
week?

*Is it to start loving yourself by
making better food choices?

*Is it to start walking every day?

*Is it to borrow a book or audios on
self-esteem from the library?

Decide what way you are going to start
loving yourself more and then commit
to doing it. It's not too late!

If your partner is insecure and nothing
you say or do changes that, encourage
him or her to get some help.

We know this is a touchy subject but
you might say something like this...

"I love you and I've noticed that you
put yourself down a lot before and after
we go to parties--and you end up not
trusting me. I want us to feel really
close again so I'm wondering if you're
open to getting some help--maybe a
book?

2. If social gatherings heat up your
jealousy and mistrust, talk it over
with your partner in such a way that
you are not pointing a finger at his
or her actions but rather from a more
positive approach.

Talk about each of your expectations
for the event before it happens and
then tell your partner one thing
you'd like that would help you to
feel better at the event.

You might ask to simply connect
briefly every now and then--with maybe
a short hug or even the two of you
making a connection with your eyes.

You have to figure out what would
support you and what you'd like from
your partner instead of what you
don't want--and then ask for it.

If you are the kind of person who finds it
difficult to talk to other people especially
around those "touchy" subjects that you
find difficult...

Then you'll find a lot of wonderful tools
for communicating with someone you care
about in "touchy" or difficult situations in
our program-- "Stop Talking On Eggshells"
available here

If your partner is jealous, talk it
over before you go out and find out
what would support him or her.

You might be amazed that if you make
some agreements ahead of time, how
your problems can disappear pretty
quickly.

3. Talk with your partner about how
the two of you can create time each
day to connect.

We've discovered that a lot of
"jealousies" are simply cries for more
time and attention from their partner.

If this is your issue--if this is
underneath your mistrust and jealous
thoughts, actions, and words, take
the time to find out what you want
and then talk about it with your
partner.

Make sure you are open to listening
what he or she wants.

We hope that these ideas have inspired
you to work on and overcome your
jealousy and trust issues this summer
season.

Know that it is possible to overcome
jealousy and build more trust no matter
what time of year it is.

If you want more tips and suggestions
for overcoming jealousy and building
trust, we recommend...

How To Build or Rebuild Trust in Any Relationship
Visit --> http://www.relationshiptrustturnaround.com

How To Overcome and Eliminate Jealousy From
Your Relationship and Your Life...
Visit --> http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What nasty game are we talking about?

It's a "game" that many couples play that ALWAYS creates major problems for them and their relationship and STILL yet--most couples continue to do it even after this "game" has sucked the life out of their relationship
or marriage.

So, what is this "game" and how can you make sure this doesn't cause problems for you in your relationship?

It's easy...

The name of the game is the "blame game" and it can absolutely destroy a relationship.

Here's how the "blame game" is played and how one couple stopped playing...

1. One person says or does something that you perceive
blames you for a situation or in some way you feel put
down, diminished or not "right."

2. You get triggered and react (perhaps with anger, hurt
or sarcasm) from some unconscious place inside you
(past experiences, old beliefs) and you say or do
something that is a perceived "put down" or blame by
the other person.

3. Both of you get defensive, shut down to one another
and the anger, sarcasm, hurt and miscommunication
escalates until one of you leaves the room.

4. The two of you hold onto the anger and hurt until
you decide you don't want to anymore or something
happens that brings you together--until the next time
you play the "blame game."

If you don't stop, your relationship either ends or you keep playing it for years and years--and you are STILL miserable.

So if this is how it's played--and if it's a relationship killer, why do we keep it going and how do we stop it?

We keep the "blame game" going because we don't know how to stop it. We want to be "right" and we don't want it to seem like we are caving in to the other person, becoming a doormat.

We keep it going because we keep hoping that the other person will tell us we were "right" after all.

We keep it going because we keep reacting from the place of hurt and fear deep inside us.

We keep it going because we don't want to look at ourselves and it's easier to point the finger outward at someone else.

The big question is...

How do we stop playing the "blame game"?

In order to help explain how to stop it, we'll tell you a story about Karen and Bill.

Karen and Bill have been married for 15 years and have 2 children. To the outside world, they looked like a happily-married couple--and they did have times that they felt close to one another--but more and more of the time they couldn't talk with one another without a fight.

Whatever the topic, their reactions were usually the same. Karen would use sarcastic and cutting remarks to get her point across and Bill would feel hurt and get a "What's the use--I'm always wrong" attitude--and clam up.

When this pattern came up, they would walk around the house for days, not speaking to one another except for quick questions and "yes" or "no" answers.

Nothing would ever get resolved and their marriage was starting to show the signs of strain--even to the outside world.

They wanted help from us before it was too late and asked us for suggestions...

One suggestion we made was that they pick up a copy of our "Communication
Magic" and "Stop Talking On Eggshells" programs.

We know they were committed because they went through the "Communication Magic" program literally in one evening and "Stop Talking On Eggshells" in just a few days after that.

The changes (for the better ) then started happening pretty quickly and here's what they told us they did to make such a huge difference...

If you've got any kind of communication challenges or upsets in your relationship you can do this as well...

1. They both looked at their reactions and
patterns to see how they each acted in the
throes of one of their disagreements. They
took a specific situation and dissected it--
slowing it down so they could really see
what each of them did, without blame.

2. They each looked at what triggered
them and what thoughts were there when
it happened. They came up with some ways
to recognize the moment when they were
triggered and to stop themselves from
what they normally do.

Karen liked using her breath to calm her
down when she got a tight feeling in her
chest.

Bill noticed that when he felt attacked
by Karen, his stomach area tightened.
At those times, he chose to tell himself
that he really wasn't under attack and
he could decide how he would respond.

3. They came to realize that they were
making up a lot of untrue stories about
the motivations behind the other person's
words and actions.

They decided to try listening to each other
instead of justifying their beliefs and
positions and making assumptions up
about the other.

They decided that they would both hold
the thought that they each had choice
and that it's okay for the other person to
hold a different opinion.

4. They began to look at themselves
as being on a team instead of two
people who are out for themselves
and on separate, warring teams.

They began to find alternatives
to their disagreements that they had
never considered.

They began to love each other
again and feel connected most of
the time.

This sounds like some kind of a fairy tale ending and we're certainly not going to suggest that they will
never have another disagreement, upset or argument.

They might.

What we've seen from them so far seems to be a big shift in both of them to a feeling of much greater closeness and connection than before.

Can this happen in your life?

Sure it can.

Any one of us can drop our defenses and come into a heart-centered space with another person.

We're not saying to be boundary-less or not get your wants, needs and desires met.

We're saying that it is possible to create more peace in a relationship and stop playing the "blame game" if you just have the courage to do it!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)