Jealousy: 3 Mistakes you could be making if you're with a jealous partner
If you're jealous or you're with a jealous partner, we don't have to tell you how painful it is when jealous explosions hit your relationship. If you're tired of jealousy ruling your life, check out our "No More Jealousy" program.
Right now, we're going to speak to the person who's with a jealous partner....
But if you're someone who's jealous, you'll also want to keep reading because we're pretty sure that you'll get
some valuable insights that may help you heal jealousy as well.
As we've worked with people who have jealousy issues in our Relationship Breakthrough coaching practice, we've seen quite a few "mistakes" that people with jealous partners make that actually make the situation worse and not better.
If you're the partner of someone who's jealous--we certainly don't want to start blaming you exclusively for this painful situation because ultimately...
...it IS the jealous person who has to be willing to get help and be committed to doing what it takes to make shifts and changes that will stop it.
We also recognize that if you're with someone who has deeply-rooted jealousy issues from the past carried over to your relationship, it may be that no amount of assurances on your part will be enough.
But no matter what your situation is--we think it's going to be incredibly valuable to you to look at a few "mistakes"
people with jealous partners make and a few suggestions to change them.
Here are some common mistakes made by people in relationships with jealous partners...
1. Thinking "It's all my partner's problem..."
Our philosophy is that we are in relationships to heal, learn and grow--sometimes it's fun and sometimes it isn't.
But whatever it is, it's always an opportunity to look at the situation and ask yourself this question...
"What can I learn from this?"
You might look at your situation and say to yourself something like this...
--"I need to learn how to slow down and communicate what I'm thinking and not make my partner try to read my mind."
or
--"I need to set some boundaries about how I want to be treated."
or
--"I need to take an honest look at myself to see if there's any truth to my partner's fears and suspicions. I need to be really honest with myself about my needs and motivations."
or
You might also ask yourself...
-- "How could my actions or behaviors be giving my partner the wrong impression or idea about my interactions
and intentions as I interact and communicate with other people?"
Make a pledge to yourself to look at what you might learn from this situation and what you might change that would make a difference in your life.
2. Lying or omitting details that might upset your partner
One of the biggest land mines we see couples with jealousy problems stumble into goes something like this...
You omit details or you even lie about a potentially volatile situation, thinking that you can avoid upsetting your jealous partner--
But, your partner finds out and the eruption is only bigger and your relationship gets worse--not better.
It's the old chicken and the egg story--
The jealous person doesn't trust because once again, their partner lied...
And the person with the jealous partner doesn't trust that their partner can hear the truth without blowing up.
Both of you have a trust problem.
In order to start trusting, the two of you can create some agreements that you both can and want to keep.
And one of those agreements needs to be that both of you are honest with each other.
(if you'd like some help in thinking about and creating agreements that really work to rebuild trust and dissolve jealousy...there's a whole section on creating agreements in our "Relationship Trust Turnaround" program.
So if you're with a jealous partner, you might make this pledge to yourself and to your partner...
"I will be honest about who I'm with and what I do--even if I think you'll get upset with me. I want you to know so that you will trust me."
Is being honest when you've been afraid to be easy?
Of course not, but it's certainly a start to healing the hurt that jealousy and mistrust causes in your relationship.
3. Ignoring your knee-jerk reactions to your partner's jealousy
When there's jealousy in a relationship, the focus is usually on the jealous person's reactions--because they are usually what get the most attention.
But we invite you to take this opportunity to look at your own reactions and how they might help keep the jealousy drama alive in your relationship.
What do you do when your partner reacts?
Does what you do help or hurt the situation?
Does it make it better or worse?
If you're like most of us, you probably either get angry that you're once again accused of something you didn't do or you close up and withdraw.
You might have even been patient and understanding for awhile but your patience is running thin--and you're being sarcastic or condescending with your partner now.
Whatever your response, take a look at what is triggered inside you at those times.
Instead of making yourself and your reactions right or wrong when jealousy erupts, try just stopping the "normal" way you react and just breathe.
We've found that it only takes one person to change their reaction--to step out of the way they normally respond--for a situation to start changing.
So if you are making any of these "mistakes," we invite you to change them and try something new.
Healing jealousy can start anywhere and with either of you.
Take a step toward what you want rather than staying stuck in what you don't want!
