Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If you're jealous or you're with a jealous partner, we don't have to tell you how painful it is when jealous explosions hit your relationship. If you're tired of jealousy ruling your life, check out our "No More Jealousy" program.

Right now, we're going to speak to the person who's with a jealous partner....

But if you're someone who's jealous, you'll also want to keep reading because we're pretty sure that you'll get
some valuable insights that may help you heal jealousy as well.

As we've worked with people who have jealousy issues in our Relationship Breakthrough coaching practice, we've seen quite a few "mistakes" that people with jealous partners make that actually make the situation worse and not better.

If you're the partner of someone who's jealous--we certainly don't want to start blaming you exclusively for this painful situation because ultimately...

...it IS the jealous person who has to be willing to get help and be committed to doing what it takes to make shifts and changes that will stop it.

We also recognize that if you're with someone who has deeply-rooted jealousy issues from the past carried over to your relationship, it may be that no amount of assurances on your part will be enough.

But no matter what your situation is--we think it's going to be incredibly valuable to you to look at a few "mistakes"
people with jealous partners make and a few suggestions to change them.

Here are some common mistakes made by people in relationships with jealous partners...

1. Thinking "It's all my partner's problem..."

Our philosophy is that we are in relationships to heal, learn and grow--sometimes it's fun and sometimes it isn't.

But whatever it is, it's always an opportunity to look at the situation and ask yourself this question...

"What can I learn from this?"

You might look at your situation and say to yourself something like this...

--"I need to learn how to slow down and communicate what I'm thinking and not make my partner try to read my mind."

or

--"I need to set some boundaries about how I want to be treated."

or

--"I need to take an honest look at myself to see if there's any truth to my partner's fears and suspicions. I need to be really honest with myself about my needs and motivations."

or

You might also ask yourself...

-- "How could my actions or behaviors be giving my partner the wrong impression or idea about my interactions
and intentions as I interact and communicate with other people?"

Make a pledge to yourself to look at what you might learn from this situation and what you might change that would make a difference in your life.

2. Lying or omitting details that might upset your partner

One of the biggest land mines we see couples with jealousy problems stumble into goes something like this...

You omit details or you even lie about a potentially volatile situation, thinking that you can avoid upsetting your jealous partner--

But, your partner finds out and the eruption is only bigger and your relationship gets worse--not better.

It's the old chicken and the egg story--

The jealous person doesn't trust because once again, their partner lied...

And the person with the jealous partner doesn't trust that their partner can hear the truth without blowing up.

Both of you have a trust problem.

In order to start trusting, the two of you can create some agreements that you both can and want to keep.

And one of those agreements needs to be that both of you are honest with each other.

(if you'd like some help in thinking about and creating agreements that really work to rebuild trust and dissolve jealousy...there's a whole section on creating agreements in our "Relationship Trust Turnaround" program.

So if you're with a jealous partner, you might make this pledge to yourself and to your partner...

"I will be honest about who I'm with and what I do--even if I think you'll get upset with me. I want you to know so that you will trust me."

Is being honest when you've been afraid to be easy?

Of course not, but it's certainly a start to healing the hurt that jealousy and mistrust causes in your relationship.

3. Ignoring your knee-jerk reactions to your partner's jealousy

When there's jealousy in a relationship, the focus is usually on the jealous person's reactions--because they are usually what get the most attention.

But we invite you to take this opportunity to look at your own reactions and how they might help keep the jealousy drama alive in your relationship.

What do you do when your partner reacts?

Does what you do help or hurt the situation?

Does it make it better or worse?

If you're like most of us, you probably either get angry that you're once again accused of something you didn't do or you close up and withdraw.

You might have even been patient and understanding for awhile but your patience is running thin--and you're being sarcastic or condescending with your partner now.

Whatever your response, take a look at what is triggered inside you at those times.

Instead of making yourself and your reactions right or wrong when jealousy erupts, try just stopping the "normal" way you react and just breathe.

We've found that it only takes one person to change their reaction--to step out of the way they normally respond--for a situation to start changing.

So if you are making any of these "mistakes," we invite you to change them and try something new.

Healing jealousy can start anywhere and with either of you.

Take a step toward what you want rather than staying stuck in what you don't want!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the biggest dating questions that can be pretty confusing to figure out is this...

Is it love or is it lust?

You might feel a terrific connection in the bedroom but wonder if it's really going to go any further than that.

You may even wonder how long this terrific attraction (or lust for each other) will last.

Here are a couple of checklists to know if it's love or is it lust...

1. Lust is satisfying an itch at a surface level and you don't necessarily feel a deep connection, friendship, or want to be with the other person and enjoy their company--outside of the bedroom.

Don't get us wrong--lust is fun and you can experience lust within love--but if there's nothing deeper going on, lust by itself can be pretty shallow.

Check to see if any of these apply to your relationship...

**You only get together every now and then and not necessarily on weekends.
**Your dates always involve making love and end up in the bedroom.
**You don't have a lot to talk about and you don't talk about your future together.
**There is a feeling that something is missing
**You don't feel important outside of the bedroom
**If you raise the topic of commitment, one of you runs.
**You do not share any interests outside of s*e*x

2. Love is in the eye of the beholder so it's important to find out what love means to you.

Make a list of what love means to you and be specific like this...

**You feel important to each other
**Being supportive like a true friend would
**Being honest when you made a mistake
**You want to just be together and doesn't always involve love-making (but can)
**You can talk to one another
**Calling when you're going to be late
**You feel a deep connection
**You are kind toward one another
**You like to touch one another

Check this list against what's happening in this relationship right now--and don't be blind and kid yourself.

Be honest!

Okay, so now that you have a better idea of what's going on, you can make a more conscious choice.

As we said, you can feel lust for each other and be in love--even after many years of being together!

We do.

But you have to have the solid foundation of a love that grows--and be in agreement about what love means.

We invite you to open to the idea that both are available to you and you can have what you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you're a woman who thinks he's looking at and paying too much attention to "other" women OR...If you're a man who feels you're being constantly accused of paying too much attention to other women, then you might want to check this out... Wandering Eyes

In relationships, when should you "trust" your gut instincts?

When you know you have jealousy and trust issues, when do you believe what your "gut" tells you and when do you not pay attention to it?

For that matter, HOW do you turn off those feelings?

What we're talking about here are those nagging feelings that won't go away--the feeling that something bad is about to happen (or already has happened)--and you're constantly on the look out for evidence to prove it!

Here's a question from a guy who is struggling with this issue and our take on it...

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"Well I feel like I am always trying to prove my gut instincts right. It makes me feel unloved when I get this way. Yet I have never had any reason to prove my partner is doing anything wrong."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

This is a problem we've heard over and over, especially when there are jealousy and trust issues.

Before we get into some practical tips, we want to help you get really clear where your "gut instincts" are coming
from--because they may or may not be reliable information to pay attention to.

According to a recent study from the journal "Nature Neuroscience," when we have gut instincts, we may be
accessing memories we're not even aware of.

So if you have been cheated on in the past or found out that your parent cheated, you may have absorbed those
memories into your subconscious mind and probably your conscious mind as well.

You might not even be aware of where these "memories" came from.

When a situation comes up that triggers a recognition of something from a past memory that may not even be
conscious--maybe your partner working late or even talking with someone in a quiet voice on the phone, your gut
instincts kick in and you get that old, familiar feeling of fear and dread.

You feel like you have to be hyper-vigilant because it's just happening again.

You feel like you'll be cheated on and left--again.

So if your gut instincts draw on memories, conscious and subconscious ones, when do you act on them and
trust them and when do you disregard them?

The truth is that sometimes your gut instincts really do serve you and you need to pay attention to them--but how do you know the difference?

When do you know when to listen and when not to?

What do you do with your gut feelings if you choose to ignore them?

Here are some pointers to help you decide whether to listen to what your gut is telling you...

1. Identify if maybe what you are calling your "gut instincts" might really be voices of the ghosts of the past that you may be hearing in your head.

We're not talking about mental illness here, we're talking about what we call our "self-talk" (we all do it) and what's
interesting is--sometimes this "self-talk" can be pretty negative about our ability to find and keep love.

Because of experiences of the past, you might tell yourself that you aren't lovable, everyone cheats, you have to be constantly on the look out for signs of cheating--and if you let down your guard, it will happen.

So, take a moment and listen to whether you're hearing negative, head-based self-talk or something else.

That's not to say that you aren't feeling real sensations of probably fear in your "gut" but it is saying that these
sensations may come from what's going on in your head.

If you're listening to negative self-talk and you know this talk to be unfounded in the reality of your current situation,
you can change it--and you do it by challenging one thought at a time.

2. Listen to your gut when you can see some signs to substantiate it, especially if you have a history of allowing
unfounded fear to rule your life.

If you actually see signs like these, then pay attention:

--your partner is avoiding you, is choosing other activities rather than being with you

--criticizes you or fights with you more frequently

--talks a lot about a co-worker or a friend of the opposite sex and you're not feeling close and connected

If you see signs like these, it's time to talk with your partner about your relationship and what you'd like it to be--and some ways to improve it.

If you need some help with communication, check out our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program.

If you don't see these signs and know that you are creating the turmoil inside you, take some steps to stop it.

Besides taking the time to actively change your thoughts each time they come up, you can learn some breathing
techniques that will help you to stay in the present moment.

It really comes down to if you want to keep re-creating false fears in your body and then acting on them--or if you want to choose freedom and to change.

Change can happen--and it can happen one moment at a time.

So what about your gut instincts?

Your "gut instincts" can your best friend or they can be your worst enemy--and they can change from moment to
moment and day to day.

We suggest that you pay attention to your gut instincts through a filter of whether there's any evidence whatsoever to back up your feelings or not--and whether they have led you down the wrong path time and time again.

These gut feelings might be showing you what to pay more attention to or they could be the places that need to
be healed inside you so that you can enjoy the love that you want and deserve.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a great communication trick you can try to help improve communication and create a closer and more connected relationship...

It's the idea of using "Magic Relationship Words" to draw the two of you closer, build or rebuild trust, stop jealousy and much more.

There are a lot of different ways you can use this idea and in a moment, we're going to give you an example of what these "magic words" are and how to use them.

But, before we give you that example...

We want to let you know that tomorrow night (Wednesday) May 6th at 9 PM Eastern Time and 6PM Pacific time we're going to be doing special 60 to 70 minute web audio cast and teleseminar about these "magic words."

You can either call in by phone, listen by computer, or if you can't be there live, you can download or listen to the audio at a later time.

We're going to give you as many of these "magic relationship words" phrases and sentence starters in that hour as we possibly can so you can start using and applying them in your relationship to make it better.

And here's some good news...

These "magic words" are much easier to create and use than you might think and if you haven't signed up to get this new info from us, you can do that here...
Magic Relationship Words

So, what about the example we promised you?

Here it is...

"I know it's not your intention... but this is how I feel when you say or do___________________?"

You can use these magic words when you're in the uncomfortable and often scary position of trying to tell
your partner or anyone how you felt when he or she said or did something that didn't feel good to you.

The powerful key words here are "I know it's not your intention?"

When you use this phrase, you are giving the other person the benefit of the doubt because the truth is you don't
really know what another person's intention is for what he or she says or does.

You can guess and make up stories but when you're in a relationship with and you're trying to communicate with
someone else--you don't really know.

When you use this phrase, you are avoiding putting him or her on the defensive at the onset of the discussion. Because when one person goes on the defensive, there is no communication.

There's either an argument or one or both people withdraw from each other and no communication happens.

If you use this phrase "I know it's not your intention," you are saying that even though I was hurt (or whatever your feeling was), I know that you weren't trying to hurt me. You get to say what you need to say and there's a greater chance that the other person will stay open to listening to you if they don't feel attacked.

You are simply offering information and an opportunity for understanding.

Here's an example of it in action?

Joanie felt excluded when she and her partner Sam were in social situations and he focused his conversation and attention on another person, especially another woman.

At those times, she didn't feel like she was good enough, smart enough and not important to him.

Here's what Joanie told Sam before the next party they were invited to?

"I know that it's not your intention but I feel left out sometimes when we go to parties and I walk up when you're talking to someone else and I'm not included in the conversation."

Although Sam became a little defensive, he was still open to listening to what she had to say because she had first acknowledged that he hadn't meant to exclude her.

And he really hadn't meant to exclude her.

It was important to Sam that he felt that Joanie wasn't "blaming" him--so when she told him that she really didn't
think it was his intention to exclude her, he could relax and listen to what she had to say.

She then said?

"The next time this happens, would you include me in some way--put your arm around me or maybe just tell me a little of what the two of you have been talking about so I can join in? Does any of that feel like you could do it or do you have some other ideas? Maybe we can try some at this next party."

This is a sample of one of many magic relationship words, phrases and sentence starters we'll be sharing with you in our webcast and teleseminar to help you rebuild trust and improve your communication and connection.

So we invite you to join us tomorrow (Wednesday) evening May 6th and find out how you can create a
little more ease in your relationship and life.

To sign up...go here
Magic Relationship Words

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)