>>>OUR COMMENTS:

We want to acknowledge the two of you for taking action to move from what holds you back in having a great relationship--and you can stop beating yourselves up that you haven't truly "got it" all the time.

None of us get it perfect all of the time.

The trick is to have it better and better more of the time.

And what a great question--

Why do we keep repeating the same bad patterns?

The short answer is that it's just more comfortable and easier to allow yourself to go on auto-pilot and react from old habits.

It's not so comfortable to challenge old habits, thoughts, ideas and fears--and go beyond the edge of what's "comfortable."

Somewhere inside us, we "know" what this habitual way of being will bring us (even if it's negative) and are not sure what making a change will bring.

We humans are creatures of habit--and even though on the outside, we may look like we're industrious, productive and innovative--most of us are quite lazy.

We're lazy in an unconscious way.

When we're tired, stressed or triggered, we go on "default" and whatever old tapes we're still carrying around with us get played.

Here's what we mean...

Let's take the "tone of voice" that comes out when you least expect it--and you know separates you from your loved one.

Both of us have struggled with this one.

It just seems to come out all on its own and we have no control over it.

Or do we?

When the two of us took a close look at what was happening at those times when we each had a tone of voice that made whatever tension there was between us worse---

We realized that even though we each had a tone of voice that said "I'm right (superior)--You're wrong (inferior)"--at those times, we were actually feeling fearful or threatened.

We were actually afraid that we wouldn't get what we wanted and that "tone of voice" was an unconscious way that we had learned to get what we wanted.

Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't--and even if it didn't, it all seemed to happen by default or habit.

If you want to stack the odds of creating a closer and more connected relationship in your favor, we suggest that you pick up a copy of our "Restart The Spark" program.

Here are a few suggestions from that program that have been helpful for us in our relationship as well many of
our relationship breakthrough coaching clients...

1. Look at your desire to change.

Now be honest with yourself. How important is it to you to make the change that you know you need to make?

We've discovered that the payoff for changing has to be really, really good in order to make changes in our habits.

Your relationship is a lot like your health...

If your doctor told you that it was likely you would go into kidney failure soon unless you changed your diet, if you
had a strong desire to live an active life, we're guessing that the payoff would be so great that you would make the changes, even though they might be difficult.

Be honest with yourself what's in it for you if you change.

2. Make your commitment

Make an honest commitment with each other about how you want your relationship to be and what you're each going to do to make it that way.

Are you going to slip up?

Of course you are.

Making changes is just like learning to ride a bike--you usually don't learn in one try.

When your body finally gets the knack of what it takes to keep the bike upright and going forward, you get it!

But you have to be committed to keep trying and keep discovering what may be holding you back.

3. Tackle your beliefs

Part of discovering what may be holding you back is really looking at your beliefs.

Let's go back to our "tone of voice" challenge...

When we got to the bottom of our beliefs that were underneath all that rightness and superiority, we realized the unconscious belief was that we had to "puff" ourselves up bigger than we were to prove a point, get listened to and get what we wanted.

Unconsciously, we believed that we weren't enough without all this "puffing up" as we call it.

When we both saw what we were doing, we could practice recognizing when the desire to "puff up" came on us, stop ourselves, and choose to listen and stay open instead.

As we said before, this didn't happen overnight but we rarely, if ever, use the "tone of voice" with each other anymore.

4. Create your Restart the Spark plan

Sit down together and actually come up with a plan how you're going to change in situations that come up over and over.

Write down what happens when you each get triggered, your particular "relationship dance" and what you each are each going to do to change.

Be sure to include why you are making these changes and your payoff.

Open to embodying your learning by tuning into your body to discover what's underneath all of your actions that keep the two of you separate.

Open to having the courage to stop yourself when you feel yourself going into your old habit.

Open to being kinder to yourself and to your partner.